Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

My mom's Month's Mind Mass was today.

And God was it tough. Didn't have a decent nights sleep either. A few family members were absent, because weather and travel conditions were harsh today. And I felt 'off' the whole day.

Month's Mind Masses are always hard, because it feels like you're putting a 'full stop' on things, and people expect you to 'move on' and get over things. I know that's not how things work, but it's how it feels. And it makes me angry-seeing folks move on and it feels like Mom is being forgotten.

We went out for dinner, to get out of the house. Saw all these families celebrating, folks who've travelled home for Christmas and with small children. And it just reminded me of being a kid-hugging your parents and feeling loved and safe. A grown adult being jealous of a child… It's like a bad joke.

Even napping this evening, I saw her face again. That smile of pride, of being proud or being happy to see us happy. It flashed in front of my eyes. And I couldn't take a nap anymore.

Woke up today, initially feeling okay. Nothing major, but as the day went on, it started taking a toll on me. I saw memories of my childhood, and moments of being with my Mum. It's strange, I watched Back to the Future, yesterday, and that hit me. Like strange emotional pangs, I think connecting with your parents again, that kind a deal. And I remember playing the video games, back in the day. My parents got them for me, to 'keep me out of trouble'. I'd never get into trouble, but I think it was to just keep us occupied. My Mum loved us.

My emotions were bubbling up for the whole of today.

We got to talking about my Mum, my brother and me, and talking about the end of the year. It feels like it's my mom's 'last breath'. Her last year, and we have to put her away, 'in a box', forever. When he left, I felt this major pang of depression. An extreme lonely feeling. And it stayed there, all day.

I had to go get groceries. And on the way there, I got emotional. Just talking about things, about the past. Getting the shopping, I was on autopilot. I was just not really operating.

And we decided to visit my mom's grave. And the emotions that had been bubbling up, came out. And it was just crying and tears, and apologising from me. My brother gave me time, on my own, to just speak to my parents. I just bawled. I haven't done that in weeks. The idea of a 'year ending' and 'leaving her behind', that's not fair. That angers me. That makes me want to scream. My Mum saved lives. That's not an exaggeration, there are people alive who's lives my Mum helped save. And they'd tell you that exact same story.

And she never bragged about it or took credit, but they'd tell you how important she was to their lives.

It's better to get away from people at this time of year, especially if you're not feeling the festivities.

Got irritated tonight, over a really ridiculous, stupid thing between my brother and me.

I'm a mild hypochondriac. I hate people getting head-colds or flus, and my brother has a head-cold at the moment. And I said some stuff that just… it was idiotic. Plain stupid and idiotic.

It was entirely my fault, and I said stupid stuff that would normally be brushed off or retorted with a good line. The usual brother dynamic. Even a punch in the arm that would be laughed off and we'd get back to normal.

But things aren't the same right now, they're not normal. And my brother broke into tears, just a real meltdown crying kind of moment. Told me at times he's barely holding it together. And it's been a while since I felt that sh*t in my life. Like a monster. I apologised, and apologised, and apologised. But it doesn't feel enough.

It brought me back to when my father passed away. We had to be careful what we said to my Mum, because it could upset her. Usual stuff, again, that would be brushed off with a stern giving out to, would instead be upsetting.

And my Mum would often be a mediator to us. She'd know how to make us calm down and get over this nonsense. To put stupid stuff aside. She did it for all the family, whether it was my dad or my brother and me. And that dynamic, it's gone. I was worried that without her, something like this would happen.

We talked about it, today, and he said it's the first time he's been sick and our mother not being here. It's a strange sensation, but it took him back to being a child, getting sick, and being cared for.
The usual stuff, the hot whiskey or the vicks on the chest and nose.

She could be a terrible patient herself, when it came to headcolds, but she'd always make sure we took the remedies.

It's those little things that remind you how lucky we were, and also that that love and support isn't there anymore. It's a dreadful, sorrowful feeling. Just horrible.

You did what you could.

A lot of frustrating thoughts the last few days. The question 'did we do enough?' for Mum, keeps springing up between my brother and me. Talking about how there were questions we asked, and answers we never got from certain medical professionals. It's like a broken record, but it's the brain going through the grief over and over again, asking the questions. But still not quite sure of the answers, if any.

And for all the care she gave us throughout our lives, and for others, we couldn't do similar for her. Like her needs went above our capabilities. But then looking at things, from the past. When my father was ill, there were three of us to manage his health. And yet we couldn't do the same for Mum. For all the times she helped us, I'm angry at myself that I could not do the same for her. She was in a nursing home, and she was the only member of her family in one. And the guilt about that consumes me.

There's this frustrating element of asking for help (from services, not from individual people, majority of people were very helpful) and being met with roadblocks. From what I've seen, with other people looking after family members, the services available have gotten a lot worse. When my dad was ill, over 18 years ago, there was more help available. A lot more services. My Mum, on the other hand, there was not. Instead it was private and expensive. We met with a lot of obstacles. Frustrating obstacles, people telling us her care was 'beyond our capabilities'. She had her mind, her mental faculties, but an infection would cause delerium, and they could be scary. Then there was trying to adapt the house for her needs. We were getting there, and then something would crop up. Apparently, her GP had said she was at risk of pneumonia, and had previously had a stroke. (The timeline of which we don't know-it could have been decades ago). We don't know how long ago that information was known, but my brother only found out a few months ago.

I was recording a 'diary' entry on my phone. It was just something I felt would be quicker to record than it would be to write down. And I found two recordings, that I forgot I had. They were of me and my mom. Talking. From just over a year ago… It sent me down a black depression chasm and I slept so long in bed, it was about midnight before I could drag myself out of it. And my sleep and appetite has gone to crap.

No surprise that I managed to get sick too. And my brother was right… it is very depressing, it does take you back to being a child and helpless. And you do miss your Mum.

Went out to check on my dogs. A sheepdog, and a terrier. Our sheepdog, she was my Mum's pride and joy. Taught her all these tricks. Made her a house and everything. Mum brought her home, on her lap, as a little puppy. And she's always asked us how she's doing, and how she was getting on. My Mum would easily give her dinner to that dog if she helped her. I'm talking in present tense, about my Mum, I know. It'll make sense in a minute, not really.

Our sheepdog, she's been acting strange these last few weeks. Restless. Not going to her usual places. Both of them were agitated, like they knew something is off. But our sheepdog, she was a little more 'off', than her usual self. She kept getting out of her home, going to places. Barking. It's been something we've noticed since my Mum passed. The vet might give us a tablet to help her. Sometimes it would help.

Well, tonight, we noticed she was not herself, at all. She wasnot really moving. Not alert. Not eating. And I called my brother, I know the signs. I've seen this before.

She's dying. By the time I noticed the signs, we asked the vet to have a look. It was like 1 am. So we've made her comfortable. My brother put some old shirts on her. If nothing improves, we'll call the vet again, make sure there's no suffering. She's 13, almost 14, but she's been through some battles in her time. She even had her own puppies, who'll carry on her legacy. We had words with her, we said how much we loved her, and that we know Mum will be waiting for her. (I'm sorry if I get spiritual, I know that's not everyone's cup of tea.) Sprinkled holy water on her.

This is an especially hard blow, because it feels like my Mum is calling her dog and friend home. She hadn't seen her in months, and it feels like they both want to be together. Like the only thing keeping our dog on this earth was seeing my Mum one last time. And then she knew that that wouldn't happen, when she never smelled her on us again. Years ago, when my Dad died, his steadfast sheepdog companion, who was always at his side, passed away about 6 months before him. We always said it was like he was 'checking the road ahead' of him. Which is what he would do - he'd go ahead, check on things. So him going before my Dad, it felt spiritual.

My brother and me, we spent a good two hours tonight, talking, getting emotional. Hug your pets, and tell your loved ones you love them.

Thank you. She passed away during the night. There was an incredible bond between my Mum and that dog. From the first second she saw my Mom. And this is a double blow.

We held a ceremonial burial for our dog, Monday. I didn't sleep, the night before. Was restless, to be honest. It was late in the evening, and my brother had already dug a hole to bury her in. Made a little place-marker too.

I read out a piece I had written, put some mementos in with her. Some little keepsakes. And sprinkled some holy water too. Our other dog and our cat joined us.

And then, for the rest of the day, I just sat in a chair. Lingered here, really. I went to bed early, like 11 pm, which is much earlier than my usual time. Woke up at 6am, went back to bed, and just slept off and on. Stayed in bed until 3 am. But as a former therapist told me, 'get up, no matter how late, get up'. It's tricky, because the weather is aggravating my head-cold, particularly making me 'croaky and phlegmy'. I'm taking lozenges, which help. And hydrating.

But it's hard to keep going. Just tormenting, really. Trying to find a meaning. Wishing the world would stop spinning. And it's odd. I have had moments of depression for our dog, but I haven't been able to shed tears. At times, I hate myself. I booked a session with my therapist, for next week. I knew it would be needed.

Just depressed the whole day. Made dinner tonight, and stuffed up the recipe. It was 'off' in either the cooking or the seasoning.

Got reading last night, and read up on my Mum's condition. Or at least the main conditions she suffered from. A deep dive if you will. On average, folks don't live too long after being diagnosed with what my Mum had. That made things even more frustrating. The odds were always against us.

And as I went to sleep last night, I realised that on Friday, it's been two months since her stroke. And on Sunday, it will be two months since her passing. And I carry this enormous weight, of grief, of guilt, of anger. And a sadness that that can just erupt at times.

Mum was our rock. And I worry what things will be like without her.

And being an 'orphan' now feels so strange. Even grocery shopping, you wander around and think 'Mum might need this'. Or my brother has said to me, he often thinks 'Oh, better give mum a phone call'… and then gets the realisation.

Also, have to register my Mum's death to get the certificate to prove her passing. Already there are letters coming with stuff like 'you owe us money', because my Mum's death isn't official. And the registrar is out sick, so might have to make the physical journey further afield.

There wasn't anything that set off my depression, so to speak… but it just stayed there. Talking helps. But then you find something that belonged to Mum, or you get this memory. The many times when she made us laugh, or had a go at people. It was her affectionate way of joking with you. And there's gratitude for having positive memories, like, not everyone gets those. I think we all know someone who had a bad relationship with one or both parents, and that it never mended.

When my father passed away, weeks after his passing, my Mum had a 'bonfire'. She didn't burn all his belongings, but she burnt the stuff that reminded her of his illness, stuff from the last year of his life. She didn't want to remember that. I wouldn't dream of doing that to my Mum's stuff, but I understand why she did that. When the HSE folks collected the medical bed and other things, I remember my mom had to go into a room and cry. I think after that she had the bonfire. But to her it was losing a connection, and not her choice. The bonfire was just to burn all the horrible memories, I think. When the cancer was killing him, and taking away our 'real' dad.

And we get people saying 'Oh, that's a great age' but then we get other people saying 'Oh, she was young'… That stuff stings. Like feeling you were 'robbed' of time with your parents, compared to others.

..