Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

Gremlinertia

Desperate cliff dive in mood, I feel like I've bottomed out entirely, of course hand in hand is the guilt because nothing has happened so it's a pity party. The internal critic's voice is full fcuking volume..

SuperBowserWorld

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122139742#Comment_122139742

Yup. I try now to ignore it. And also external critics. Also, think advertising and marketing and the competitive culture everywhere trying to make people feel inadequate, insecure and anxious. Nothing seems to be good enough or enough.

RabbleRouser2k

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122139741#Comment_122139741

Hi Grem. I've been numb, emotionally, but thank you for asking.

My mum has been in hospital three weeks now. She's improved a lot. Her appetite is noticeably stronger too. Visited her in hospital Tuesday, and she realised how sick she was. She has improved. The infection was very serious, and we've known some folks who had to stay in hospital, recently, for four months due to an infection.

Went in today, as part of a hospital discharge program/ protocol. To discuss her treatment. She's been doing some physio, in the hospital. They're making her walk to build up strength in her legs. She found the physiotherapy very beneficial. But she's not doing enough of it. She's been resisting doing it, and this is sort of her stubborn nature coming to the fore.

The Doctors and nurses, and physios spoke to us… and it was the most difficult conversation I've ever had in my life. Her siblings, the regional nurse, and one of her in-laws (standing in for a relative who has Covid) were there. They told us about her not doing enough physio. That she needed help getting up and so on.

There are two suspicious lesions on the lung that the doctor wants to keep an eye on it with more scans. At present, they are in one area. He's the second doctor to suspect malignancy. If it's malignant, he won't treat my mother.

As for right now, she can't come home as the home is not in a good enough state for someone who is physically not strong, and is not doing the physiotherapy. Mobility has been an issue for her. and getting about could prove hazardous. In order to be sent to a facility that will do further physiotherapy, she has to engage in the physio she's doing now. Otherwise, it's a nursing home. (The length of stay could be short-term, or permanent).
And having to break that news to her, she started crying. I barely held it together. She was crying before this, she suspected something due to her siblings being there. We held back some of the details, including the suspicious lesions on her lung. At the moment, she does not have symptoms of anything serious, outside of the infection. The physiotherapist has said that my mum gets pain in her back doing physio, but she has had a back issue for many, many years. (A slipped disk decades ago, and a fractured rib years before that.).

Walking away from the hospital, my brother was more optimistic than me. Telling me that we'll have to do some work on the house to make it adaptable to her needs, and that to keep our hopes up- the lesions may not be as serious. An uncle of mine, who had successful treatment for prostate cancer (it was found early and treated) said to me 'you can live years with cancer nowadays, sure I have it myself'. And told me 'keep that on the back burner-don't focus on it'. (Easier said than done).

But all I could do was cry. I feel like I've abandoned her. And if the worst comes to the worst, and if it's cancer… I can't bare to imagine that.

SuperBowserWorld

Taking a break from boards. Just burned out and exhausted. Be kind to yourselves.

Gremlinertia

@RabbleRouser2k @SuperBowserWorld

Lads thinking of ye both, don't be strangers but equally mind yourselves

RabbleRouser2k

@Gremlinertia

Thank you so much for keeping tabs on us. I know everyone has their own problems.

My brother spoke to my mum, the day after we visited her. What I had thought were tears of sadness… they were tears of joy. That's what she told my brother. Seeing her family there, actually caring about her welfare, and seeing so many of us… it really hit home. Folks she thought did not care, were there to boost her wellbeing. Boosted her spirits too. Her appetite is improving. It's even surprised her doctors. She has food she really likes, and when she gets that, she eats it all.

The doctors and staff say that physically, she's able to do the physio. But she has said that she knows she needs the physio, but might have to do it in a nursing home rather than a physiotherapy facility. She's wiped out and tired from her infection (fairly common). And, she's actually okay with going into a nursing home. She's said this to us before. We're going to make sure she gets the best of care in there too. And physiotherapy is part of that. (My brother has said he sees this as temporary, while everything gets adapted).

My brother has been a rock. I can't say enough for him. And he's very optimistic. Depression can certainly create a cloud, and I find it hard to see the sunlight. He, on the other hand, is far more optimistic than me.

Bizarrely, I have trouble going to bed. Often sleeping on the couch. It's not a full sleep.

I sometimes frequent online chat rooms that allow me to discuss my mental health(there are good ones out there, I just find it difficult to speak to folks like the Samaritans). Was in a few that had (unknown to me) medical professionals. They told me some information that gave me some hope. Hope is all I can really maintain right now.

I've been having weird dreams lately. I find that, when I'm overcome, I tend to have dreams of the past. Past moments of my life, or people from the past. I know this happens to me during times of despair.

SuperBowserWorld

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122150917#Comment_122150917

Thanks @Gremlinertia I really appreciate all that you do on here.

Take it easy and see you all in a while.

RabbleRouser2k

Had a therapy session today. Things were hectic, there were a few folks in the house assessing things that might need to be done. I was rushing all over the place to try and get a private space for my appointment. I asked to do it over the phone, as there was a weather warning for thunder, and that tends to always mess with my internet. (I do my sessions over zoom).

She noted I was more optimistic, I wasn't crying like I had been at the last session.

That was a major step.

RabbleRouser2k

It's confirmed. My mum has cancer.

My aunt spoke to me today. She said the hospital were pretty much certain about it. No further tests required.

I told my brother. He collapsed into tears. And he's been crying, devastated. It's been devastating.

We visited my mum in hospital today. She had no energy. No appetite. It was a very difficult visit. It looks like she'll need 24/ 7 care, for the rest of her days. Treatment is not an option.

RabbleRouser2k

Went to see my mum today.

Today was really tough. It started out positively. I went to see my mum in the hospital she's in. She was much improved. She'd slept really well, she had cravings for things like water and tea. Food is still a little hit and miss. She's walking around too, with assistance. But it's good that she's moving. Uses the toilet on her own as well.

I felt really upbeat coming home. She was talking and giving orders, a sign she's improving.

In the evening, things changed. My brother and I, we had a discussion, and my brother started crying. The last few days, they've really hit him hard. It's like a life time of emotion has spilled out of him. Things he didn't get to say that he's afraid he won't get to say. Something as simple as 'I love you Mom'.
All I could was try and listen to him. Not say anything, just listen. Ask him questions. The biggest fears he has. Many of them are my big fears, too.

I'm trying to maintain hope.

Wanderer78

look after yourself rabble, cancer diagnoses and treatment is beyond stressful, and not just for the person with it….