How should married couples conduct their financial affairs?

Another here where everything gained is pooled, and everything to pay comes from the pool. For large things, we ok it with the other person in case they disagree. And for longer term, we sit down and agree priorities which gives us a guide for where the big money is going, savings or debt.

Like someone else mentioned we've both had periods of unemployment where the other carried the can entirely, and of course maternity, another reduced income time. If we had nothing tomorrow we would likely discuss it the same as when we have plenty. I think the counselling sounds like a great starting point.

Yes, the high earner should pay more (just like they do in tax), but that shouldn't be expected to be the normal. In the OPs case, they both have high salaries and servicing a mortgage and other essential items should be easily covered with each partner having a considerable amount left over. My concern on the financial side of things is that the OP is flittering money away and justifying the spend because its on the house or the kids. She buys her clothes in pennies. OK....but that doesn't mean she's not spending a lot in pennies.

My OH and I don't have a rigid 50/50 model, but it probably works out about half. She earns more as a civil servant. She has my tax credits which made sense when I was a mature student after a career change. She covers mortgage, most of the groceries and the childcare is covered by children's allowance thanks to family setup. She tends to buy most of the kids cloth too, but only because she is the one to go shopping for clothes. We have more kids than OP does.

I pay for everything else. Bins, Gas, Electric, phones, broadband, cars and anything done to the house, such as decoration or big ticket items like the extension we got done. I end up covering stuff she covers when she overspend on the kids by sending them to very expensive extracurricular activities which I often communicate disagreement over. Its marriage. Give and take and compromise and have eachothers backs even when the other messes up.

The OP needs to make tough decisions about her marriage, but she first needs to be honest about herself.

I have never really understood such rigidity and conformance and precision as regards monies between people as close to each other as being married.

Like an OCD almost. Married persons are supposed to be one unit, joined, together, equal , transparent. That’s really what the bond/commitment is.

Sorry, a wife or a husband who is so set in their ways here, rigid and exact, and either deliberately not attuned to their spouses’ situation(s), or ignorantly not attuned, needs clear addressing.

Single most important trait in any marriage, after trust, is flexibility and communication and compromise. And I am not saying independent cannot exist with this.

I think the fact that your kids have never been on a holiday abroad despite the high household income is quite sad. I'd start saving money separately and bring them away myself. Holidays are some of best family memories to have and if you can afford a week or two away, you should do it.

With penny pinchers, you need to show them what's being spent. You could do a spreadsheet of income/outgoings across a typical year including all the extras you pay for and highlight exactly where he is not contributing and when you are ending up in the red.

I think there are a lot of issues here.

You want to be a team, so let's start here. You say you have been married for ten years and that you are now in your 40s, so you weren't terribly young when you got married. It might be a bit late in the day, but maybe you should think back to before you got married. Did you not discuss any of this at that stage, or was it a whirlwind romance (you don't sound like the type, but who knows!) Is he usually a calculating type? There are a lot of those in the corporate world, many of them on the narcissistic-sociopathic spectrum.

Another issue is feeling used/left out/disrespected. You really need to work out what you get from the relationship. What it provides you with now, not what it provided you with initially. You might want to balance that against stability for the kids. If he is a great father, would he still be a great father if you lived separately? Coming back to the corporate aspect of your OH's job - do either of you travel much for your work? If the answer is yes - who is away most, and who looks after the kids when you or he is away?

Money seems to be a big problem in your life, or at least in the way you present the situation. You have €225k between you, but as he only contributes on an equal basis to yourself, it is as though you were on €150k, and you say your mortgage is €450k, which is three times this "notional" income. That's not a bad place to be, it should be totally affordable for you. If you can only afford to dress from Penney's and can't afford a foreign holiday, I'd say money is leaking out somewhere - clubs, expensive cars and school fees are two things that spring to mind although there are many other possibilities. Because you individually are on a salary that is double the average industrial wage.

Many families have less than your salary to live on. I'm wondering if there isn't some other aspect of your situation that is worrying you but that you haven't mentioned here.

This one is a complete no brainer for me.

Set up a joint account and pay an appropriate amount into it each month (i.e. in proportion to your earnings). Pay all bills etc. from this account. Each has a card from this account to use at the shops, etc. At the same time maintain your own accounts from which you can spend from on whatever you please and without consultation, assuming of course that the joint account always has enough funds to cover all required joint expenses.

For larger expenses such as holidays etc. you can top up the joint account with larger payments that usual for that month, etc.

I am baffled why anyone would want or choose to do anything different. It is a great way to control your spending as the worst case scenario is that the joint account will be suddenly empty.

What I find strange is that people who have joint accounts are so dogmatic about it. As if a particular financial arrangement were itself the basis for marriage.

We are married 12 years and have always had a joint account. We just take whatever is needed when we need it from there, seems weird to me that married couples would do it differently. I earn far more than my wife but we're married who earns what just doesnt come into it as it all ends up in the one account.

I think that some people seem to think that those who do not pool absolutely everything together are somehow lacking in trust, or do not understand 'what it means to be married'.

My thoughts on this are,

if you are a working couple & each earn in or around the same then 50/50 is grand on everything or pool your resources & both work out of it, all transactions visible to both & have conversations about purchases / expenses some people like to spend, some don’t , if one person wants to blow a few hundred on clothes, then the other should get to keep a few hundred to spend at a later date if they wish,

If one income with the other working in the home, keeping the house, looking after the kids etc, then the one income belongs to both of you, after the bills are paid, what’s left is divided between the two equally, jointly save for the future if you wish.

Then the tricky one

If both working, one on 100k, the other on say 40k, 50/50 sometimes doesn’t really work, the high earner may feel resentful at seeing a higher % of their income going into the household, my own personal opinion on this is that you are either in it together or you are not, maybe a little old fashioned……….

I agree with most of what you are saying with regards job sharing and family impact/finances etc. Sometimes however there are circumstances where one partner is just bad with money and manages to flitter it away every month. This is why I said the OP first needs to examine her own spending habits before blaming her lack of money at the end of the month on her husband. We don't know the full story...far from it. Though I suspect that the husband is just a penny pincher, I wouldn't rule out poor spending habits from the OP who has admitted she has a very good income in her own right. With 2 kids and that level of of mortgage, she should have plenty left over at a 50/50 split....so where is it all going?

When I was at college, my Wife was paying the mortgage not much less than that of the OP. She is a civil servant too and we have more kids to feed than the OP. We still managed a holiday every year or 2 on a budget.

while I have no idea what a masters costs these days but 50k over two years to include fees, expenses and accommodation def ain’t out off the question in any city in Ireland.

Why pay so much? Well not all masters are equal. I have a friend who paid 100k for an MBA from some private French school. Let’s just say the doors it opened for him probably makes it look a bargain.

Up to each couple how they want to manage credit cards, there isn't some dogmatic rulebook.

Obviously if one partner isn't earning, then it doesn't make sense to use that approach. Again, it's not something that HAS to be followed verbatim, it's just a common approach that works for many people.

Is that OK with you?

'pocket money ' for adults, really?

Just have your own account with your own money and a joint account for bills. It's not complicated.