How should married couples conduct their financial affairs?

He should, but then again, some people manage to spend every cent they have regardless of their income. The OP could well be one of those people which is why I suggested recording everything she buys. Partners shouldn't be encouraged to supplement poor spending habits.

The amount of people in this thread where both incomes go into a joint account is crazy.

Yes, have a joint account that the bills and mortgage come out of.

But both of you have your own account you are paid into.

Have a monthly budget to figure out what your bills/family food shops come to, both send that to the joint account each month and that's that. Everything else you earn is yours.

The idea of adults getting some kind of allowance is laughable.

Hi Weesie,

I know you posted re how couples managed their finances and, as you'll have seen from the responses so far, people have so many different approaches.

What jumps out at me from your message is that you aren't happy. And that's something you can start looking at now. Can I suggest that you take steps to get a good counsellor? And yes I know you don't think you have the time or money. (I've made the same arguments in the past !). But you need to make time with an independent qualified professional that will help you figure out what exactly your red line issues are and a plan on how to address them.

It's the best money and time I have ever spent.

That’s incredibly sad. Our joint income in the 2010s was about 65k. We managed a family holiday with 4 kids, usually to a campsite in France or Italy. I think your husband is being unbelievably unfair to you and your kids.

When I was a kid in the 70s quite a few of the men I knew lived the life of a single man while enjoying the benefits of marriage ie they kept most of their salaries for their own benefit. The wives managed as best they could. Disgraceful situation.

Time to tell your husband to shape or ship out. You’ve put up with it long enough.

Reading all these comments makes me think I’m the odd one here.

We have one account and everything goes into it. My wife had to stop working once kid number 2 arrived as we couldn’t afford the childcare. My earnings have paid for everything as it’s a partnership. I don’t check and it’s a very ordinary wage.

We talk about our finances and have equal access to the account to see comings and goings. Again, we don’t generally check although it has got a bit low at times and we had to curb spending to recover. She has spent freely, as do I. Common sense is the control.

She has only just got back to work as the kids are now teenagers. We save for one big holiday a year, if you consider a family holiday for a week in Lanzarote a big holiday ! We do.

If you can’t trust the person you sleep beside every night, it is not a marriage. It’s not perfect but not arguing about money is a godsend.

Whats your solution when he couldn't be arsed doing the cleaning.

Let the place go to sh1te. Why would she keep enabling him if he isn't going to contribute. She can clean it up later after she gets rid of him and keeps the house.

😕🤔

He is making sure he has enough to start again if the marriage breaks down. And is right If ye split up he will be sleeping in tent.

Lots of strange logic in this thread.

I pay 90 percent of the expenses in our house. Lucky enough to be able to afford to do maybe my perspective would be different if I couldn’t afford to pay the way. I work damn **** hard though which my wife facilitates (but sometimes does realise or appreciate that fact). Sure, I could work less and spend a little more time at home. But also when a child decides the want to do a masters that cost 50k or to buy a house and needs a leg up. I will be there. I also remember 10 years ago when my wife carried more of the can as I couldn’t afford it.

To the OP…..from your perspective does he “waste” excessive amount of money on what you consider frivolous activities? Or if needed that a child needed surgery in the US on Tuesday that he would be able to shell out for it?

Its an interesting thread. How measured marriages are for a lot of people.

OP I think you are far more concerned about the state of the marriage in general than who pays for what. You’re not happy in the marriage in general.

For what’s it’s worth it seems a little odd you are struggling despite your husbands salary including the fact you also earn too - expensive tastes on yours, his or both sides?

Your statement that you thought he would change when you got married is really telling - you knew that kind of person he was before you got married yet you pressed on regardless. Why???

Op, my sister’s husband is exactly as you describe. It is extremely frustrating for her, their money is managed like an emotionless business where every item expense must be shared. I notice it when we go out for dinner, he will order for her and I can hear him telling her what their portion of the meal comes to, so they can split it later.

Initially I worried for her, but he is a genuinely really nice guy, treats her well, is a great father, it’s just that he is rigid about money. She told me it had to do with his upbringing, they had nothing, money was always in short supply and he is afraid that one day they would be the same.

I'm the one who mentioned an allowance. Whatever you call it, we each receive a payment from the joint account. My wife gets a bigger payment than me in proportion to what we earn.

We never argue about money and have never missed a direct debit. If we're out separately for drinks or buying something for ourselves we use our own N26 accounts. But everything family related is on the joint credit card and this is cleared every month.

Don't know why people have secrets in a marriage.

We're very similar here.

And I would echo the sentiment. Not sure I could have married without that kind of trust