Am I unreasonable

Carlowgirl · 06-09-2022 2:33pm #1

Been seeing a guy for six months . Was in a long term relationship and he often ask s questions about him like would we ever get back together or go off with each other . I answer him and reassure him .

ive been having friend suggestions from models that he is linked with on social media and girls that are his exes . When I looked further or snooped they are still liking each other others pictures . I asked him is he still in contact with these women I felt it was a basic question and he dumped me by text and said he was sick of my questions and that he doesn’t have contact with them and that I have trust issues . I explained he often asked me questions and i didn’t fly off the handle and he said it’s different cos my relationship was long term . Am I unreasonable for asking why all these women are coming up as suggestions . I have other male friends that are single thst are on dating apps so I knew these women were from apps . I met him on an app . He dumped me by text over it 🤷‍♀️

evolvingtipperary101 · 06-09-2022 2:39pm

Over reaction = over protective = something to hide = Move on.

Carlowgirl · 06-09-2022 2:46pm

Ya it seems unreasonable thst he can ask questions but I can’t

GavPJ · 06-09-2022 2:49pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119579583#Comment_119579583

Sounds like it.

Wasn't life a lot simpler before social media.

CrookedJack · 06-09-2022 2:54pm

You're not being unreasonable, if it's really as you say - that you only asked him once, and gently, then of course this is a massive overreaction on his part. Unless you were really hounding him all the time I can't see this as anything other than an overreaction.

Other posters have suggested that maybe this indicates something else is going on, and that might be so, but you'll likely never know. What is certainly true is that he is conditioning you not to ask him uncomfortable questions. He's training you that he can ask you whatever he likes but you'll have a row if you ask him something he doesn't want you to. He's trying to create a relationship where he does what he likes and you sit and stew about it, not wanting to ask for fear of the blow-up.

So no not unreasonable, and frankly better off out of it.

evolvingtipperary101 · 06-09-2022 3:50pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119579672#Comment_119579672

I don't know. Perhaps, it's just relationships are really difficult no matter what the media or time.

theteal · 06-09-2022 4:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119579646#Comment_119579646

Indeed. Likely dodged a bullet. Onwards and upwards

NiceFella · 06-09-2022 4:13pm

Yeah he sounds like a tool. Leave him at it.

Tombo2001 · 06-09-2022 4:17pm

The question you should ask yourself is why you are asking questions about yourself....

Carlowgirl · 06-09-2022 4:21pm

Thanks I have asked him questions before like why he is still shown on dating apps even though he wasn’t using it snd he freaked . Asked him about the models before she he flipped and asked him about the dating app girls this week so ya I have asked questions but they are about different things . I asked him before was I right to turn down a date when we started seeing each other and he flipped . He flips when I ask a question basically but he asks me questions. He told me it’s red flag for asking why he’s friends with dating app girls on social media . Basically I’m the red flag 🚩 but he asked me woukd i end up in bed with my ex if we were together etc . He’s never shown me on social media and i has to ask him to remove his single status in fb . I didn’t even ask him to say he’s in a relationship just to remove the single status

Dial Hard · 06-09-2022 4:25pm

Forget the questions thing, the real issue was the fact that he still had a profile on the apps after 6 months. He was 100% keeping his options open. Block and move on.

06-09-2022 4:29pm

“He Flips”

your words not mine.

That’s all you need to know. You’ve dodged a bullet - sounds like a complete cad coupled with a potential domestic abuser.

Carlowgirl · 06-09-2022 5:13pm

Ya the tinder thing was about four months into dating I asked him why he was still up on it . He flipped first and then explained he was on it but not using it

Jequ0n · 06-09-2022 5:15pm

Ah, I do the angry flipping and blame shifting when I am cornered and can’t get out of it, but it sounds like he wasn’t even bothered to hide that he was still on the lookout.

You’ll be better off blocking him before he reconnects with you and comes up with an elaborate and sorry tale.

Donald Trump · 06-09-2022 5:17pm

The reason he doesn't want you to be in contact with your ex is that he assumes you'd be at the same craic he is at

06-09-2022 5:30pm

Jaysis, he flips a lot, doesn't he.

Move on, and count yourself lucky that you only wasted six months on him.

Carlowgirl · 06-09-2022 5:31pm

Oh god I feel so silly now 🙈

06-09-2022 6:03pm

I'd say you dodged a bullet alright. Though, in future maybe hold off on connecting on social media, WhatsApp etc for as long as you can. The amount of "I can see he's online, it's been three hours, why hasn't he texted me" stuff on here is nuts.

Carlowgirl · 06-09-2022 6:22pm

It’s just awful I get made out to be jealous because I asked him about these girls. He said I accused him of sleeping with them I did. I such thing . I asked if he was in contact with them I didn’t accuse . He was on apps for ten years never had a relationship longer than a couple of months

06-09-2022 6:26pm

The bottom line is, neither of you has any trust in the other. This relationship sounds quite volatile and unhealthy, on both your parts.

From what I can see, I doubt that is going to change, so I think you're better off calling it quits now before you get in any deeper.

Big Bag of Chips · 06-09-2022 6:34pm

A guilty mind accuses others. He was keeping his options open, seeing what was available, possibly even sleeping with others - which is why he believed you were doing the same thing.

My brother-in-law regularly accused his (now ex) wife of cheating on him. Of sleeping with others. Of being the "town bike". He had absolutely no basis for these accusations whatsoever - except that he had a fondness for prostitutes himself.

Move on. Don't go back looking for answers or to make a point. He's not going to hear it.

discoinferno · 06-09-2022 6:55pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058262210/am-i-unreasonable

Take it from someone who had a untrustworthy and deceitful boyfriend (up to recently) who was at this as well as other cagey things. He would get defensive, cry and say anything to manipulate me rather than admitting his behaviour and owning up to it. This guys behaviour and defensive response is a red flag. He did you a favour. Let him off. Who wants to be with someone who creeps online. Major ick. It’s a bit juvenile.

YellowLead · 06-09-2022 7:52pm

Were you actually in a relationship- as in did you agree to be exclusive and by boyfriend and girlfriend, or were you just seeing each other without the conversation? If the latter then it’s no surprise he was still on apps and chatting with whoever he liked.

All you really need to hear from this was him repeatedly flipping - not a good sign in a person, esp so soon in a relationship when things are usually rosy. You are well rid!

On the girls that he was friends with - I think you either trust somebody or you don’t, if you don’t then you dump- it’s not healthy to be stalking them seeing who they are friends with and worrying about it.

It’s a good thing he ended things, now you are free of something that wasn’t a good thing and thankfully it was only 6 months.

Carlowgirl · 06-09-2022 7:59pm

Thanks he admitted he was in contact with her but it was just hello s or whatever . It’s over anyway

Jequ0n · 06-09-2022 8:15pm

No disrespect OP, but maybe you should be a bit more suspicious of people. I just had a look at your post threads and I think you could do with some firmer boundaries without feeling guilty.

Best of luck

Carlowgirl · 07-09-2022 9:47am

Thanks he flipped a few months ago when I heard he was on an app he had told me he deleted . He flipped them explained he had deleted the app and not the profile but there was major flipping and getting defensive . I don’t think or know if there’s anything going on with these app women . He told me one still checks in and says hello but she has a boyfriend . I brought it up before about all the Instagram models he follows as they were coming up as suggestions and only single men I know were following them . I know that’s another debate but his reaction was I can follow who I like not my prob they have no clothes on . He just had no consideration for my feelings for half naked women half our age coming up as suggestions for me and told me I was paranoid .

Neyite · 07-09-2022 10:01am

The first thought in my head reading your post was "projection"

He's projecting onto you the behaviour he himself is doing.

He's following these women (instagram is a way for OnlyFans or Cam workers to attract clientèle) or some women for more of them to come up as suggestions on his algorithim. He knows that behaviour, or chatting to an ex is straying into dodgy territory in a relationship - and he's fine with that. He's keeping his options open and as long as he does, you are wasting your time.

Throw this one back into the sea.

Jequ0n · 07-09-2022 10:06am

I’ll be honest. I’d have a major issue if my partner wanted to dictate who I could follow on social media, particularly if these were public figures. So I don’t think he was unreasonable there but you were.

Carlowgirl · 07-09-2022 10:26am

Hi ya I understand but I didn’t dictate I asked him if these women were only fans and he flipped .i woukd hsve a prob with a boyfriend following only fans models . It’s just not Appropriate so I asked and if he said yes then I had a chance to walk away and had a choice but he flipped when I asked . Too many flips . He asked me all the time about my contact with my ex because we own a house together and I answered him a reassured him .i never flipped . I understood he might be Imsecure . He never liked any of my picture s even though I don post regularly but he likes the exes ones or the ones from the apps and the ones with no clothes on . I have a fit figure and am attractive I just don’t feel the need to post pictures with no clothes on for attention . It’s childish that some men seem to have more respect for these women than real women . It’s sad

discoinferno · 07-09-2022 11:06am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119582991#Comment_119582991

My ex boyfriend did the exact same thing. Caught on dating apps, denied what I had seen until the cows came home and then claimed he couldn’t work his phone. He insulted my intelligence, my eyesight (lol) and clearly had no respect for me or our relationship or frankly, himself. The difference is, I backed down and forgave. Time passed, things never got better. He continued to push boundaries and disrespect me. You are not paranoid, he just got caught out.

Trust yourself. You are right in what you suspected and you are better off without him. It’s only a certain type of person engaging in that shite online and they are bottom of the barrel creeps. Think about it.

Carlowgirl · 07-09-2022 11:32am

Ya he showed me screen shots of one of the exes he talks to Instagram . Said he hasn’t talked to them in a year but the dates were this year . There was nothing in it but my problem was I just asked if he still has contact with these dating app women and he dumped me before explaining . He also told me he didn’t love me after six months but just presumed we’d get on snd it would work out . I told him that I had loved him and it’s not fair to be strung along . He says he’s never loved any woman but cared about me . How could I trust a man thst doesn’t love me . Surely after six months you d have some idea . Was I was supposed to wait for a year and decide if he did then . Dating is horrible. People are so dispensable and mean now 🙄🙈

discoinferno · 07-09-2022 12:09pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119583518#Comment_119583518

He’s saying what he thinks are the “right things” but truth be told, actions speak louder than words and the minute you go home, he’s back scrolling with his legs up on the couch with a cup of tea and you’ll be a distant memory until the next encounter. I’ve been there, I know what I’m talking about.

If he “cared” or “loved” you, you wouldn’t even feel the need to ask it because he wouldn’t be doing it in the first place because he would be into you and enjoying the relationship and you would also be happy and enjoying yourself. In other words, he would be geniune.

Would you prefer he said he loved you and treated you like shite? Been there - it doesn’t work. They’re just words with no substance behind it. You’d feel worse and more mind f*cked.

Why are you waiting for him to decide? You’re in this too and you have a say. What’s done is done. You should drop him, stay silent and move on. No more texts, calls, “likes” etc. Move on without him. Delete him from socials. If he reaches out (when he’s not succeeding or fooling anyone else) you ignore him and block him. Don’t be a fall back. Even if you are still single, meeting no one - you still keep that boundary up.

I’ve been doing serious reflection and soul searching since I broke up with my BF and my eyes have been opened by my family, friends, boards and counsellor. I literally was a shell of myself towards the end. I put up with a lot of crap, was manipulated and my confidence eroded, hoping he would just cop on one day. Breaking up with him was the best thing I did.

Trust me- this guy is a player and he’s playing you. Move on and work on yourself, spend time with your friends, flirt and date a few men and listen to how YOU FEEL, not “oh does he like me”. How do YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM? And be honest with yourself. Don’t commit until they give you a solid reason to commit. Don’t commit because you want to force a relationship. It doesn’t work.

discoinferno · 07-09-2022 12:16pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119583518#Comment_119583518

Dating isn’t horrible. It can be fun. You just have to get better at recognising the walking red flags and when you hear something or see something “off”, note it and listen to your feelings. Call it a day if it compromises your standards.

Date a few men at the same time also. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

Carlowgirl · 07-09-2022 3:57pm

Ok so there was nothing in the messages with the ex . Am I unreasonable for asking if he still has contact with the dating app women on Instagram . Is that an unreasonable question ? He said it was and thst I was accusing him of sleeping with them which I wasn’t . In any event he doesn’t love me so I guess when you don’t love someone you won’t commit to them

Loveinapril · 07-09-2022 4:02pm

Carlowgirl, read through all the responses again. You are not bring unreasonable. This sounds like a total drama fest for 6 months in. Call it a day and maybe look into getting counselling to help you create boundaries and identify red flags.

Carlowgirl · 07-09-2022 4:17pm

Thanks I’m questioning myself because he told me I’ve no right to ask him who he is following and to get with the 21 st century and I do believe there is nothing in it but it’s the fact thst his reaction was to dump me rather than reassure me . He dumped me first then sent screenshots of conversations with s girl . He says I ask two many questions but I feel he ask s questions too and I don’t make an issue I just answer them 🤷‍♀️ I’m nearly blaming myself now 🙈

Jequ0n · 07-09-2022 4:24pm

Why are you pursuing him for answers when he has called off the relationship already?

Carlowgirl · 07-09-2022 4:26pm

True there was a bit of texting after and I was trying to explain I just asked like he asked questions etc . I guess I felt I needed to explain myself

07-09-2022 4:29pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119585306#Comment_119585306

Book a short break with a girly friend and forget about the whole thing. It sounds like you need to wind down a bit - you’re fixating on your own behaviour in a relationship that was not beneficial to your mental health- it’s him not you- move on and best of luck 🙂

discoinferno · 07-09-2022 4:34pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119585270#Comment_119585270

What ages are you?

Sounds like you just want someone here to tell you to crawl back after him and apologise and it’ll all work out. You’re allowing someone tell you to “get with it” and accept the 21st century according to him? Stop blaming yourself and see this for what it is.

He doesn’t love you or respect you. You questioned him and he doesn’t like that one bit. Hence the manipulation.

Open your eyes.

Tork · 08-09-2022 1:03am

OP, I remember a previous thread of yours where you went on a first date with a guy you hardly knew, ended up in his car and had to fend off his very amorous advances. Yet, you were still wondering if you should go on a second date with him. Now this... If you didn't say you were in your late 30s, I'd have assumed you were a naive young person in their late teens or early twenties. You don't seem to be very good at establishing boundaries or seeing the warning signs that you should. That makes you a prime candidate for ending up in future bad relationships where you'll find yourself second-guessing yourself, minimising bad behaviour and ignoring each and every warning sign. I don't know what the answer is but you probably need to spend more time being single and to stop ignoring your gut when something doesn't feel right. This fella did you a favour by dumping you but you might not be as lucky next time.

Carlowgirl · 08-09-2022 9:52am

Thanks Im

wondering if this guy is a narcissist. The bad reactions to question s he told me he never loved anyone . He’s in his late 30 s . The problem with me is that he is making out it’s my insecurities and that if I didn’t ask him questions everything would be fine so I m second guessing myself 🤷‍♀️

spaceHopper · 08-09-2022 10:00am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119588412#Comment_119588412

It could be worse, you could have found out what he was like after a year. He sounds like a narcissist and is gaslighting you. Sorry he hurt you but move on and don't look back.

miamee · 08-09-2022 10:17am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119588412#Comment_119588412

Look, he showed some insecurities asking about your ex, you were kind and reassured him he had nothing to worry about and that was that.

You showed some insecurities asking about girls he follows on social media, he flipped, he was angry and he dumped you for asking "too many questions".

Does this sound like an equal and balanced relationship to you? You deserve someone to be as kind and patient with you as you were with him, you deserve better and he has done you a favour by ending things. Please do not let him weasel his way back in once he realises that you are not coming crawling back - he will probably try it.

timmyjimmy · 08-09-2022 11:15am

As a man who used to be in a similar position as your boyfriend, I was looking at Tinder while going out with my ex. I know this was wrong and it's not excusable. I think i was doing it as my ex hurt me in many ways and I couldn't back out of the relationship due to low self esteem, it was probably a covert way of hurting her, I should have just left and stop us hurting each other.

In hindsight, we were just not compatible which was really hard for me to see and I think I was on Tinder as a way to self destruct the relationship. Moving forward, I have work to do but I now know what to look for in a potential partner.

Jequ0n · 08-09-2022 11:49am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119588412#Comment_119588412

Nobody here knows the person, so it would be utterly unfair to diagnose him with anything. The fact that you are still second guessing yourself, despite all comments on this thread, makes you look like a very appetising target for an abuser though.

Bricriu · 08-09-2022 12:00pm

Life was also much more decent before we had all these morons talking about and searching for Red Flags!

Tork · 08-09-2022 1:29pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119589014#Comment_119589014

It doesn't matter what this guy is, be it a narcissist or whatever other label you want to apply to him. Maybe trying to diagnose him with something is easier than the self-reflection you need to do. You need to find out why you ignored the many warning signs that were there, right before your eyes. This thread reads like something an inexperienced, naive person would write. Are you fearful of ending up alone, by any chance? Do you think your chances of meeting somebody before you get too old are diminishing before your eyes? There has got to be a reason why you put up with all this muppetry.

discoinferno · 08-09-2022 5:45pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119588412#Comment_119588412

In his late 30s? Creeping online? Getting defensive like a teenage boy? Late 30s?! Not to be questioned by anyone?

I wouldn’t walk. I would RUN and thank my lucky stars he “dumped” me. Lucky escape if only you would listen to good sense.

What woman wants to be mixed up with someone like that?

YellowLead · 08-09-2022 8:17pm

wrong thread oops :)

Loafing Oaf · 09-09-2022 10:02am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119589470#Comment_119589470

Are you fearful of ending up alone, by any chance? Do you think your chances of meeting somebody before you get too old are diminishing before your eyes? There has got to be a reason why you put up with all this muppetry.

This is the spectre that seems to me to be lurking in the background of the countless threads in this forum in a similar vein to the OP's. They all run like this: OP recounts episodes of abhorrent behaviour by (sometimes on-off) boyfriend, asks "Should I dump in him?" 50 posters come back with something along the lines of

I wouldn’t walk. I would RUN

But what is the point of this really? These women (or the vast majority) aren't stupid or naive; at some level they all know the guy is a jerk, and yet they cannot bring themselves to cut the cord. So should the 'advice' focus on the questions you pose Tork? Or is this appropriate when the posters haven't explicitly brought up these questions themselves?

Am I unreasonable

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