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Am I unreasonable



  • Registered Users Posts: 18 discoinferno

    He’s saying what he thinks are the “right things” but truth be told, actions speak louder than words and the minute you go home, he’s back scrolling with his legs up on the couch with a cup of tea and you’ll be a distant memory until the next encounter. I’ve been there, I know what I’m talking about.

    If he “cared” or “loved” you, you wouldn’t even feel the need to ask it because he wouldn’t be doing it in the first place because he would be into you and enjoying the relationship and you would also be happy and enjoying yourself. In other words, he would be geniune.

    Would you prefer he said he loved you and treated you like shite? Been there - it doesn’t work. They’re just words with no substance behind it. You’d feel worse and more mind f*cked.

    Why are you waiting for him to decide? You’re in this too and you have a say. What’s done is done. You should drop him, stay silent and move on. No more texts, calls, “likes” etc. Move on without him. Delete him from socials. If he reaches out (when he’s not succeeding or fooling anyone else) you ignore him and block him. Don’t be a fall back. Even if you are still single, meeting no one - you still keep that boundary up.

    I’ve been doing serious reflection and soul searching since I broke up with my BF and my eyes have been opened by my family, friends, boards and counsellor. I literally was a shell of myself towards the end. I put up with a lot of crap, was manipulated and my confidence eroded, hoping he would just cop on one day. Breaking up with him was the best thing I did.

    Trust me- this guy is a player and he’s playing you. Move on and work on yourself, spend time with your friends, flirt and date a few men and listen to how YOU FEEL, not “oh does he like me”. How do YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM? And be honest with yourself. Don’t commit until they give you a solid reason to commit. Don’t commit because you want to force a relationship. It doesn’t work.

  • Registered Users Posts: 18 discoinferno

    Dating isn’t horrible. It can be fun. You just have to get better at recognising the walking red flags and when you hear something or see something “off”, note it and listen to your feelings. Call it a day if it compromises your standards.

    Date a few men at the same time also. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

  • Registered Users Posts: 296 ✭✭ Carlowgirl

    Ok so there was nothing in the messages with the ex . Am I unreasonable for asking if he still has contact with the dating app women on Instagram . Is that an unreasonable question ? He said it was and thst I was accusing him of sleeping with them which I wasn’t . In any event he doesn’t love me so I guess when you don’t love someone you won’t commit to them

  • Registered Users Posts: 296 ✭✭ Carlowgirl

    Thanks I’m questioning myself because he told me I’ve no right to ask him who he is following and to get with the 21 st century and I do believe there is nothing in it but it’s the fact thst his reaction was to dump me rather than reassure me . He dumped me first then sent screenshots of conversations with s girl . He says I ask two many questions but I feel he ask s questions too and I don’t make an issue I just answer them 🤷‍♀️ I’m nearly blaming myself now 🙈

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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,871 ✭✭✭ Jequ0n

    Why are you pursuing him for answers when he has called off the relationship already?

  • Registered Users Posts: 296 ✭✭ Carlowgirl

    True there was a bit of texting after and I was trying to explain I just asked like he asked questions etc . I guess I felt I needed to explain myself

  • Posts: 8,856 ✭✭✭ Selena Narrow Tenseness

    Book a short break with a girly friend and forget about the whole thing. It sounds like you need to wind down a bit - you’re fixating on your own behaviour in a relationship that was not beneficial to your mental health- it’s him not you- move on and best of luck 🙂

  • Registered Users Posts: 18 discoinferno

    What ages are you?

    Sounds like you just want someone here to tell you to crawl back after him and apologise and it’ll all work out. You’re allowing someone tell you to “get with it” and accept the 21st century according to him? Stop blaming yourself and see this for what it is.

    He doesn’t love you or respect you. You questioned him and he doesn’t like that one bit. Hence the manipulation.

    Open your eyes.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 296 ✭✭ Carlowgirl

    Thanks Im

    wondering if this guy is a narcissist. The bad reactions to question s he told me he never loved anyone . He’s in his late 30 s . The problem with me is that he is making out it’s my insecurities and that if I didn’t ask him questions everything would be fine so I m second guessing myself 🤷‍♀️

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,613 ✭✭✭ spaceHopper

    It could be worse, you could have found out what he was like after a year. He sounds like a narcissist and is gaslighting you. Sorry he hurt you but move on and don't look back.

  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Regional East Moderators Posts: 11,130 Mod ✭✭✭✭ miamee

    Look, he showed some insecurities asking about your ex, you were kind and reassured him he had nothing to worry about and that was that.

    You showed some insecurities asking about girls he follows on social media, he flipped, he was angry and he dumped you for asking "too many questions".

    Does this sound like an equal and balanced relationship to you? You deserve someone to be as kind and patient with you as you were with him, you deserve better and he has done you a favour by ending things. Please do not let him weasel his way back in once he realises that you are not coming crawling back - he will probably try it.

  • Registered Users Posts: 485 ✭✭ timmyjimmy

    As a man who used to be in a similar position as your boyfriend, I was looking at Tinder while going out with my ex. I know this was wrong and it's not excusable. I think i was doing it as my ex hurt me in many ways and I couldn't back out of the relationship due to low self esteem, it was probably a covert way of hurting her, I should have just left and stop us hurting each other.

    In hindsight, we were just not compatible which was really hard for me to see and I think I was on Tinder as a way to self destruct the relationship. Moving forward, I have work to do but I now know what to look for in a potential partner.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,871 ✭✭✭ Jequ0n

    Nobody here knows the person, so it would be utterly unfair to diagnose him with anything. The fact that you are still second guessing yourself, despite all comments on this thread, makes you look like a very appetising target for an abuser though.

  • Registered Users Posts: 252 ✭✭ Bricriu

    Life was also much more decent before we had all these morons talking about and searching for Red Flags!

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,667 ✭✭✭ Tork

    It doesn't matter what this guy is, be it a narcissist or whatever other label you want to apply to him. Maybe trying to diagnose him with something is easier than the self-reflection you need to do. You need to find out why you ignored the many warning signs that were there, right before your eyes. This thread reads like something an inexperienced, naive person would write. Are you fearful of ending up alone, by any chance? Do you think your chances of meeting somebody before you get too old are diminishing before your eyes? There has got to be a reason why you put up with all this muppetry.

  • Registered Users Posts: 18 discoinferno

    In his late 30s? Creeping online? Getting defensive like a teenage boy? Late 30s?! Not to be questioned by anyone?

    I wouldn’t walk. I would RUN and thank my lucky stars he “dumped” me. Lucky escape if only you would listen to good sense.

    What woman wants to be mixed up with someone like that?

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,387 ✭✭✭ YellowLead

    wrong thread oops :)

  • Registered Users Posts: 14,457 ✭✭✭✭ Loafing Oaf

    Are you fearful of ending up alone, by any chance? Do you think your chances of meeting somebody before you get too old are diminishing before your eyes? There has got to be a reason why you put up with all this muppetry.

    This is the spectre that seems to me to be lurking in the background of the countless threads in this forum in a similar vein to the OP's. They all run like this: OP recounts episodes of abhorrent behaviour by (sometimes on-off) boyfriend, asks "Should I dump in him?" 50 posters come back with something along the lines of

    I wouldn’t walk. I would RUN

    But what is the point of this really? These women (or the vast majority) aren't stupid or naive; at some level they all know the guy is a jerk, and yet they cannot bring themselves to cut the cord. So should the 'advice' focus on the questions you pose Tork? Or is this appropriate when the posters haven't explicitly brought up these questions themselves?

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  • Registered Users Posts: 12,839 ✭✭✭✭ recode the site

    He’s a collector, just wants to line his mantelpiece with trophies. Time to take yourself down from the line-up.

    Do one thing every day that scares you

  • Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭ Kurooi

    No you're not unreasonable. If he broke a 6 month relationship over this, it didn't matter to him. Over text? Awful. There is no need to go into investigating whether he was faithful or not, he's a sad dating prospect.

    You lost nothing of value, really this is a blessing.

  • Registered Users Posts: 296 ✭✭ Carlowgirl

    Thanks for all the comments . Ya this has happened before with him I question something he flips turns it around on me then apologies a few days later . He always accuses me of being insecure and paranoid and then thst makes me insecure because I’m being labelled with that so I become more insecure . Ya I know I need to work on my boundaries I literally set none from the start because after a very long relationship I was naive and a bit vulnerable . I am to Blame to . He told me his best friend dumped a girl over Asking too many questions about Instagram . It seems Instagram is causing a lot of problems 😊

  • Registered Users Posts: 18 discoinferno

    The best friend story is rubbish. He wanted to test the waters to see what you would say or think about the given scenario. What you would and wouldn’t accept. In other words, what can I and can’t I get past this one. It sounds like a warning shot to me.

    For a fella in his late 30s, sounds like a bit of a creep tbh! And most women in their 30s would run a mile.

    You need to stop saying your naive and vulnerable as if it’s to excuse to continue the way you are! How many more close calls do you need to experience before opening your eyes?

    Establish some boundaries and cop on to yourself. Stop entertaining bottom of the barrel clowns just because they give you crumbs of attention. I mean, come on like! Do you really think decent and worthwhile men are crawling around on dating apps and liking different women all over Instagram? They aren’t. Any “love story” or happy ending which turned out genuine from tinder are rare exceptions. They unfortunately are not the majority of stories. The sooner you get your head around this and want more for yourself, the better.

    in regards to tinder, from my POV and IMO - I used it on and off for years and it really is a sess pit. 90% are time wasters, lurkers, liars and cheaters, users, people who just want sex (which is fine if the other match is down for that) or to creep on people. You also get your fair share of nut jobs and addicts unfortunately because it’s unregulated and a free for all.

    I would say the rare 10% are looking for something real but end up very disillusioned. Like yourself

    Unless of course, this guy is of your standard and if that’s the case, keep chasing him, punishing yourself and accepting bad behaviour by all means.

    Change your mindset and work on yourself for a while or you will find yourself in queer streets with a nasty fella you can’t get away from.

  • Registered Users Posts: 296 ✭✭ Carlowgirl

    Ya he’s not daring other people as far as I know . My issue was I asked him is he still in contact on Instagram with women from apps and he broke up with me . He said it was my second question about Instagram . My first one was a few weeks ago I asked if the models are only fans instead of explaining he flipped . He broke up with me before because when we started seeing each other I was asked out to the cinema and I said it to him to see were both on the sane page that I said no that we are not doing that . He wouldn’t talk to me fir about a week . He said I worded it badly snd should nt have mentioned that someone asked me out to the cinema .

  • Registered Users Posts: 18 discoinferno

    Yeah we know your issue. You’ve wrote the same thing a couple of times and posters have already told you this guy isn’t right for you and he’s not into you.

    Whats done is done. Take your dignity and move on. Or not. Either way, it’s up to you. Do you want to be treated like a fool or do you want to keep your self respect?

    Theres better out there for you if you would just believe in yourself!

  • Registered Users Posts: 296 ✭✭ Carlowgirl

    Ok thanks

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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,667 ✭✭✭ Tork

    I have never seen anybody as obsessed with Instagram as you are. Seriously, would you listen to yourself? It is not the reason for any of your woes. He'd use something else to trawl around if it didn't exist. Was your previous relationship as unbalanced as this one seems to have been? It sounds like you were so desperate to stay in this one that you put up with being called insecure, paranoid and tolerated his anger when you dared to ask him what he was up to. For somebody who was in a long-term relationship, you don't seem to know what a good relationship entails.