Am I unreasonable

Carlowgirl

hi No the funny thing is I was never insecure with other women in my previous relationship. For some reason I felt very insecure with this guy . Maybe because he’d been on dating apps for ten years . I was never insecure about other women before abd with this guy I felt like every other woman was more attractive than me . It’s strange snd I was convincing myself it was because I was insecure because of my last relationship. We were out walking one day and he made a very derogatory comment about an over weight girl that walked past use and I fejt it was a red flag . Like he objectified women . I think some men in their thirties thst are single and are so used to porn Instagram and models dating apps that their brains are wired for objectification. By that’s another discussion . Some of the women on the pages looked very young and were doing belly dances in bikinis . They were actual models . Maybe I’m old fashioned but I just feel it’s wrong . He had liked them before we were together but I just couldn’t get comfortable with it . Maybe I’m old fashioned . Plus fancying a 18 year old on love island also gave me the ick

Jequ0n

Seriously, if you have an issue with pictures he liked before you were together then you are definitely insecure.

And by the way: my own official social media presence is low key and carefully monitored, so you wouldn’t be able to find anything unsavoury on me if you were to trawl. Anything else happens via different channels/ personae and remains well hidden from most people, including partners. If you think that this guy was dodgy because he openly liked pictures you need a wake up call because he clearly didn’t even try to properly hide what he might have been up to.

Sounds like you just weren’t right for each other and time to move on.

Carlowgirl

And sorry the reason I keep questioning myself is because he was texting saying it was all my fault he broke up with me for asking him and not trusting him snd thst his friend just broke up with his girlfriend for the same reason and women get all paranoid and if course I was questioning myself . I’m moving on from him my confidence was low when I met him and I think I just wanted company . Hungry people make poor shoppers as they say 😊

YellowLead

‘Hungry people make poor shoppers’ - I love that one :) And it’s good to see you realise that! It can take a long time to find somebody compatible - don’t be afraid to be single for a while and take a light approach to dating while you figure out what you want, and walk at the first red flag next time :)

Tork

I saw a meme the other day that said "Dating after 40 is like trying to find the least damaged thing at a thrift store that doesn't smell". Depending on where you are in life, you'll laugh, cry or nod. What people dating in this age bracket are hoping for is to meet one of the "good ones" who's back on the market or the rarer "good ones" for whom the stars never aligned. But also you'll find a load of people who are single for very valid reasons. This guy sounds like one of those cliché'd eternal bachelor commitmentphobes who'll never settle down. They might occasionally snag a woman but always, they're looking around for the next one. Social media is making it easier for them these days but they've always been around. I remember them creeping in the nightclubs back in the day.

If this guy is the same age as you and has been on the dating apps for a decade, I'd be asking questions. Did he have any girlfriends in these years or was he forever scrolling, scrolling, scrolling? Even in the early years when there were far more available young women online and offline? I don't think any woman will be enough for him. Not for now anyway. Not while he's still relatively young and thinks he still has it.

Carlowgirl

Hi he actually describes himself as ugly which is strange . He never lived with a partner never had a girlfriend for longer than three months . He said no woman asked as many questions as I did . Was talking to him this eve as I asked him to block me on everything cos I know I’d end up texting him . He told ne he’s back on apps again . Said he spoke to a friend about me asking about Instagram and he said his friend said get rid of her . His friend just broke off a two year relationship because his girlfriend asked who were the new women he was adding .

anyway I m blocked on everything now . I ll miss him bit after talking to him tonight I do wonder if I was over reacting because he said he’s not in contact with any of the women and they were added before me .

I have to remind myself this msn broke up with me told it was over because I questioned him and what’s the point in being with someone like thst . He just convinced me that I was insecure . If he’s never had s relationship he doesn’t know how to understand someone else’s feelings really and it’s really immature to be 39 and on dating apps ten year s . Most of the women he met Woukd text him after dates and say we’ll just be friends etc . Maybe their radar is better than mine . I really liked him but I determined to he over it . It’s hard to go from having contact every day for six months to no contact but in a few days it should all become clearer . Thanks for all the help here x

Carlowgirl

He also Woukd by post any pics I was in online cos he said if we break up he’d have to take them down so I guess we were always looking at a break up .

Carlowgirl

There are so many threads on line about Instagram and relationships and women feeling uncomfortable with them . I think if my ex was on it and following women I wouldn’t have minded cos I trusted him in thst way for some reason I fejt like every woman was a competition for me and I’m not normally like that . I blamed myself because my confidence is low after my long term relationship ended but I can honestly say I never felt jealous or insecure about my looks or thst he’d cheat on me 🤷‍♀️

Jequ0n

He literally told you with every action and word that he didn’t see you as an official gf/ long term partner material. And you still couldn’t walk away and had to ask him to block you because you couldn’t or wouldn’t. Sorry @Carlowgirl you were lucky and you are so primed to end up with someone who is actually bad for you. Since you don’t want to look at yourself I’ll wish you the best of luck because you will need it.

Carlowgirl

I went to counselling Over the last few months since my last relationship and she was telling me to give him a chance and thst I kept looking for something wrong . I was going since my last relationship ended . I am also work ing other work on my myself. A Family member was an alcoholic growing up hence my unhealthy relationship styles . I’ve tried so hard . At time’s I knew he was wrong snd the counsellor said I shouldn’t care if he watches porn etc it’s none of my business 🙈

Tork

OP, I think the help you need is beyond what anybody on boards can offer. Also, you don't appear to have taken a word of the advice here on board.

Even now you don't seem to have any understanding of the sort of relationship you were in and why. You have learned absolutely nothing from this experience and that is an ominous sign for the future. You sound very lost and unsure of yourself. As JequOn above has rightly pointed out, you are at high risk of ending up in a really bad relationship. You really should stay single for the foreseeable future and work on yourself. Your confidence is low, you're confused, you're blaming yourself for the demise of this relationship, you're not taking personal responsibility for your actions and you've admitted to having an unhealthy relationship style. The only thing you seem to have decided from all of this is that asking questions of your partner is the wrong thing to do. If you were to do this this relationship all over again, you'd shut your mouth and never question anything, would you?

It might also be worth thinking about trying a new therapist. If this therapist knows what we do, yet she was still advising you to give him a chance, I'd question her decision making. Not all therapists are good and maybe you'd benefit from trying a different one.

Carlowgirl

Yup I take that on board . I’m still going around questioning myself thst if I didn’t ask a question it woukd all be ok . But it’s ok I’ve decided to go back to classes for the winter and focus on myself , stay away from dating and work on being on my own . I’ll be fine . I have good friends and a good job and can pay my own bills etc I’m just a bit naive 😬when someone is telling me it’s my fault for asking a question I blame myself and question myself but I’ve gone no contact and gonna focus on myself .

discoinferno

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119606730#Comment_119606730

Stop saying you’re naive and do something about it.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605791#Comment_119605791

Yep it's pretty sad really. It tends to be women who have a problem with it because men are the ones who do it. No doubt if women were following loads of men/young men/18 and 19 year old boys and liking all of their topless gym photos and thirst traps then a lot of men would have a huge problem with this too and see it as cringy/embarrassing/disrespectful and so on.

You were unlucky with the counsellor you went to. Many people end relationships for the same issue...so it was odd that your counsellor said you were just looking for something wrong.

screamer

”He dumped me by text”…….. and you’re wrecking your head over him? That’s not a guy worth bothering with TBH. Move on and find someone who acts like a grown up and treats you with respect.

Carlowgirl

Hi just checking in I saw the last comment . He is back on apps he wanted to be friends I said no . Blocked him on everything and focusing on myself . I had a counselling session and back doing hobbies . Feeling more present and grounded and less anxious all ready . I know it wasn’t me being insecure about the Instagram it was inappropriate. One of the pages I went into was an American girl doing a belly dance in literally a thread of a bikini and was prob about 17 or 18 . Not for me thanks . I’m happy and contact in myself to be single at the moment. I am sad at times and I just let myself be bad but I already find it easier to get out of bed in the morning and have less anxiety . So I know over the next week or two I’ll feel better about everything .

Carlowgirl

I just wanted to check in with everyone that replied to my post so kindly . It’s been around two months now . God it was no joke getting over that . I’m convinced I was trauma bonded . My confidence was low after my long term relationship ended and I didn’t see the red flags. It hasn’t been an easy two months and there has been a bit of contact but I wouldn’t go back there . I can finally breathe and laugh again . No dating at the moment or distractions with any men . I think I had withdrawals from him the anxiety and even stomach pain and beating myself up that I did something wrong . I’m only coming out the other side of it . Haven’t seen him since and don’t plan on it either . If I had known at the time it would take me so long to get over it 🙄 I can laugh and breathe agsin and yes it’ll prob stay in my thoughts for another bit but I’m not consumed by them . Starting to look foreward again after a dark couple of months

Carlowgirl

Would ye believe this guy crawled out of the woodwork after I had a close death in my family at x mas . Wanted to meet to sympathise and I said I don’t think it necessary or appropriate after everything that was done and said . Asked me what he did wrong thst everyone dumps by text snd you just get over it I brought up about the three some comments with my friends and he said that s a perfectly normal thing to say and any guy would say it and I should have had that conversation with him if I couldn’t take the answer .it was him that brought it up not me ! Anyway I got really mad not something I’m proud of but called him a perv and a porn addict and told him to stick his sympathy up his [email protected]@. He blocked me then . Real nice stuff for someone that’s grieving 🤷‍♀️I’m embarrassed I had the row and didn’t ignore him but my immediate family member had just died .

Tork

I'm sorry for your loss. Christmas is a particularly crappy time to lose a loved one. Be gentle on yourself because it takes a while to get over a bereavement. Watch out especially for the months after the month's mind has passed.

What you really should be asking yourself from this encounter is why it happened in the first place. He wouldn't have crawled out of the woodwork if he had no means of contacting you. You never blocked him anywhere, did you? Why? You don't have to give us the answer but you need to give it to yourself. Although you have regrets about how this turned into a row, it could be a blessing in disguise. Hopefully he won't be coming back.

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120111447#Comment_120111447

This is a horrible way to go on but you can see his true colours now in all that. I wouldn’t have engaged him to this depth though. You owe him nothing. These kind of people are like that though- once they feel you slipping away from them they’ll try the indirect direct approach (the fake sympathy over a bereavement) to reel you back in and re-exert that control they crave. He sounds like a particularly narcissistic toxic individual

Carlowgirl

Hi thanks for the replies yes I regret the way I reacted but being told “get over it everyone dumps by text and then any man would sleep sigh no friends if we were drunk” really triggered me .

nope hadn’t blocked on email but everything is blocked now . He actually blocked me first . It’s very innapropriate to start a row with someone that just has the closest family member die . I was vulnerable and got drawn in . I’m kinda forgiving myself now .

YellowLead

Sorry for your loss OP.

it was completely inappropriate timing for him to have asked to dissect the relationship and ask what he did wrong. Ideally he would leave you alone, but if he did want to sympathise a quick - sorry for your loss’ would have done, and not using the opportunity to try and wrangle his way back in. It’s just another sign of him being a bad egg.

Time now to forget about this and if he manages to contact you again just ignore it, so not engage in any capacity even to argue. Just be done.

road_high

To dismiss and mock a recent bereavement in such a cruel manner is particularly low and shows someone devoid of compassion and empathy. A real low in my opinion

recode the site

Sorry for your loss, as well as the inappropriate return of the narcissist. You did nothing wrong calling him put in your frustration and under circumstances of bereavement. That individual is solely concerned for his own feelings, that’s what people like him are all about.

Carlowgirl

Was just re reading this . What s total narcissist 🙄 if anything it led me to work on my issues of putting up with bull . It was a completely manipulative controlling situation 🙄

was watching the murdaugh Murders the other night and Paul actually reminded me of him . Breaking up with his girlfriend every weekend , spoilt and unable to take accountability for anything 🙄