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One-Liner Jokes

1…159160162164165…205

Comments

  • #4832
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The person who invented February was fired for taking a few days off.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4833
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,068 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Just found out the company that produces yardsticks won't be making them any longer.



  • #4834
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Went to the bank to sort out my mortgage and got directed to someone dressed as a cowboy.

    Think he was the loan arranger

    Post edited by MonkieSocks on

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4835
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,877 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/NIAMHBL/status/1503159105350946819


    ...



  • #4836
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,877 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    I think I tried to post this, but I'm not sure it did.


    https://twitter.com/Sarahjanecares/status/1493596361496973322?


    Post edited by Victor on


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  • #4837
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I logged into a web site “We buy any car”, entered the details.


    They sent me an email asking if the tank was full or empty

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4838
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Alligators can live to be 100 years old, which is why there is an increased chance that they will see you later.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4839
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,068 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Met a Scouse Girl and asked her “Do you like Avacado?”


     


    She said “No, I can’t drive”



  • #4840
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Husband “When I die I’d like to die having sex”

    Wife “At least we know it’ll be quick”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4841
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,068 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Bumped into my one armed mate in Town yesterday and asked him “What are you up to?”


    He said “I’m going to change a lightbulb this afternoon”


    ”Bet that’s going to be a bit tricky for you?”


    ”No, I’ve still got the receipt!”



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  • #4842
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,068 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I went to see that new Elbow tribute band called Arse?


     


     


    They're so good you can't tell them apart.



  • #4843
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Scientists studying the effect of cannabis on seabirds have left no Tern unstoned

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4844
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,533 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I phoned my vet to have my cat put down and he said I need to make 9 appointments.



  • #4845
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I used to be a member of a secret cooking society but they kicked me out for spilling the beans.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4846
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,068 ✭✭✭xlogo


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118840832#Comment_118840832


    Did they grill you first?



  • #4847
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,877 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    Two dung beetles meet up at lunchtime.

    Beetle 1: Was that your second dung ball of the morning I just saw you with there?

    Beetle 2: No, would you believe, that was my turd!



  • #4848
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Does anyone know what a Rorschach ink blot test is?

    I Googled it, but all I can find are pictures of my parents yelling at me

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4849
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,068 ✭✭✭xlogo



    My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying; 'It isn't working. I'm going back to my mums'

    I opened it, the light was on, the beer was cold; what is she on about?



  • #4850
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 79,784 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Irish potatoes are to die for!













    (Sorry...)



  • #4851
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Good thing Chris Rock didn’t make fun of Alec baldwins wife.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4852
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,068 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Went to the ‘Helium Museum’ yesterday.


     


     


    I can’t speak highly enough of the place...



  • #4853
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4854
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,876 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    What has 2 wings and a halo?


    A Chinese phone

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #4855
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A nine year old girl disappeared today after using her mums moisturising cream it said “Makes you look ten years younger”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4856
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,621 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    My wife wanted a Jaguar for her birthday this year. It ripped her to shreds.

    I probably should have bought her a car instead.



  • #4857
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Bread is a lot like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4858
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,068 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I have this weird talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present…


    It's a gift!



  • #4859
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,621 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    My dog ate a full bag of scrabble tiles earlier. Took him to the vet and left him there. No word yet.



  • #4860
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,068 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class.


    So I slid 20 pounds across the table and said, “What about now…?”



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  • #4861
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,877 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    I was watching the sport at the weekend. Two fell at the first jump and were put down by a vet.

    Harshest athletics meeting I've ever seen.



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