Marriage in doubt over relocation.

francie81 · 02-07-2021 11:49AM #1

Hi

I need help. Am from Ireland married with 3 kids and I have being separated since the weekend back living in my moms for now. So the problem here is about a relocation, my wife is originally from Pakistan whom I brought here 8 years ago to my small village and in late March she started the process of moving to Dublin City which I did not want (dragging my heels along the way) and still don’t want because my job is here and I just simply don’t like city life it’s not what I wished for my small kids going from a 3 bed house into a 2 bed apartment up 4 flights from of stairs.

She has her reasons for wanting to move to city however I do not think they are valid enough it’s not as though it’s for career or family reasons and she would use ‘I left everything for you to come here so can’t you do this for me, your still in your country’ when discussed.

I would have no problem moving to the bigger towns either side next to my village if she felt living somewhere with abit more life but this is a big jump especially with the way our finances are.
We are also on the social housing list in the area for few years now. Alot of people my family members and people who know me thought it was strange and would ask what has what has taken you there.

Since we moved I have being showing resentment towards my wife and just feeling miserable in general I just can’t help feeling this way she has being chasing me (as she says) but it’s not helping so now she told me to go back since am ruining her happiness. She also tells me that as a single mother that she would be better off financially thus not relying on me.

Should I really feel guilty for this, is it time to go our separate ways and have arrangements in place with the kids?

YellowLead · 02-07-2021 11:57AM

Don’t feel guilty. It sounds like there is a fundamental incompatibility between you two.

I would say did you not discuss all of this before you got married? But to be fair I am aware that people can change over time and clearly the two of you cannot reach a compromise on this one.

Was there ever genuine love there or did you just want a wife and she wanted to move to Ireland?

I think you gave it a good shot, you moved for her sake, but it’s made you miserable. Unless all the other elements of the marriage are happy, which in this case it sounds like they are not, you are better off continuing down the path of a split for your own sake. Plenty of people would like to live in Dublin but cannot afford to - surely a compromise could have been moving closer to Dublin or as you said a larger town and not your village.

It will not be be easy co parenting when you are both in different regions so have a good think about what you would like to see happen here. Best thing is you try and remain friends with your ex and prioritise the children’s well being.

Xterminator · 02-07-2021 12:15PM

Hi Op

let me sum this up.

your wife moved across the world to be with you. she wants to live in a city, but you don't. Since you reluctantly moved to the city, you have been "feeling miserable" and "showing resentment" to you wife. Finally you have made married life such a misery she has told you she thinks she would be happier without you.

Well - you have managed to take all the good from the situation and turn it bad.

As i see it you have 2 choices. stop acting like a spoilt child dragging down your wife with your childish 'showing resentment'. Apologieze and promise to try to make it work. Maybe do some couples therapy and work on your communication skills.

or

Go back home alone and think about what could have been.

o1s1n · 02-07-2021 12:22PM

How far away from Dublin is your job?

If it's commutable then I'd say you should try to give city living a go for your wife. As the previous poster noted, she literally moved to a different continent for you, the least you can do is try to live on a different part of a tiny island.

02-07-2021 12:26PM

Seems like there should be a compromise between living with kids in an apartment in dublin and living in a small country town

Its not a lot of credit to either of ye that ye havent found it

If the both of you want to salvage this it should be doable, but you havent given her reasons for wanting to be in dublin so its hard to say more than that

YellowLead · 02-07-2021 12:27PM

For those saying OP should suck it up because his wife moved continents for him - we don’t know the circumstances there.

Sure she might have been from a wealthy background over there but chances are she was not and moving to Ireland was a huge bonus for her, she did well out of that deal and now OP has fulfilled his purpose in bringing her to a first world country and having children with her born here.

We just don’t know.

Surely if one person wants to live in a small rural village and the other wants the capital city - a compromise of a smaller city or large town is fair?

o1s1n · 02-07-2021 12:33PM

YellowLead wrote: »

For those saying OP should suck it up because his wife moved continents for him - we don’t know the circumstances there.

Sure she might have been from a wealthy background over there but chances are she was not and moving to Ireland was a huge bonus for her, she did well out of that deal and now OP has fulfilled his purpose in bringing her to a first world country and having children with her born here.

We just don’t know.

Surely if one person wants to live in a small rural village and the other wants the capital city - a compromise of a smaller city or large town is fair?

Whether she was rich or poor, she still left her family and friends behind. As someone married to a person from another continent, I can tell you now that this isn't easy and never really gets easy. It's such a huge decision, especially now with covid and being unable to travel.

I find it surprisingly that it wasn't discussed beforehand, maybe she was expecting to land in a first world cosmopolitan city and got a bit of a shock when she met small town Ireland? As you said, we don't really know the details.

RStoneX · 02-07-2021 12:33PM

francie81 wrote: »

Hi

I need help. Am from Ireland married with 3 kids and I have being separated since the weekend back living in my moms for now. So the problem here is about a relocation, my wife is originally from Pakistan whom I brought here 8 years ago.

She has her reasons for wanting to move to city however I do not think they are valid enough it’s not as though it’s for career or family reasons and she would use ‘I left everything for you to come here so can’t you do this for me, your still in your country’ when discussed.

Since we moved I have being showing resentment towards my wife and just feeling miserable in general She also tells me that as a single mother that she would be better off financially thus not relying on me.

Yep! Not relying on you instead relying on me and 80% of this forum contributors. :pac: Such a great outlook... #SpongeLife

Thanks for bringing her to Ireland OP. Enjoy living at home with your mother for the next 10+ years.

francie81 · 02-07-2021 12:34PM

Thanks for the replies guys.

Well in regards to discussing possible relocations it wasn’t really discussed in a serious way but rather in a fantasy way.
She was aware enough I came from a small place and will say now that she was only putting on a happy front when deep down she wasn’t with regards to where we live. Am I making a big deal out of moving to Dublin I mean what would you do in this situation would you just go with it?

YellowLead · 02-07-2021 12:36PM

francie81 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies guys.

Well in regards to discussing possible relocations it wasn’t really discussed in a serious way but rather in a fantasy way.
She was aware enough I came from a small place and will say now that she was only putting on a happy front when deep down she wasn’t with regards to where we live. Am I making a big deal out of moving to Dublin I mean what would you do in this situation would you just go with it?

Do you love her or not???

Is it the only issue? If everything else is grand I’d probably suck it up and try and make the best of it for the kids sake, but have a deep conversation and try and work out other big compromises in life. Will she support you in future etc etc.

If she is negative about all of your ideas and you in general and always wants her own way, that’s a different story.
It’s not a good sign she wasn’t truthful with you before. Communication issues can kill a marriage so if you are staying together you both need to sort that.

francie81 · 02-07-2021 12:39PM

RStoneX wrote: »

Yep! Not relying on you instead relying on me and 80% of this forum contributors. :pac: Such a great outlook... #SpongeLife

Thanks for bringing her to Ireland OP. Enjoy living at home with your mother for the next 10+ years.

Well she is an influencer albeit not in a career sense and is looking to start a brand trying in this way so you should retract such a comment.

francie81 · 02-07-2021 12:48PM

YellowLead wrote: »

Do you love her or not???

Is it the only issue? If everything else is grand I’d probably suck it up and try and make the best of it for the kids sake, but have a deep conversation and try and work out other big compromises in life. Will she support you in future etc etc.

If she is negative about all of your ideas and you in general and always wants her own way, that’s a different story.
It’s not a good sign she wasn’t truthful with you before. Communication issues can kill a marriage so if you are staying together you both need to sort that.

Well she has good traits but in terms of vision for the future am not soo sure, she has this idea to be successful in business which she is looking to start a brand in what she is into in the hope is works out you know.
Am almost 40 there is 10 years between us.

YellowLead · 02-07-2021 12:56PM

francie81 wrote: »

Well she has good traits but in terms of vision for the future am not soo sure, she has this idea to be successful in business which she is looking to start a brand in what she is into in the hope is works out you know.
Am almost 40 there is 10 years between us.

It’s great that she has aspirations and dreams. I definitely wouldn't knock that.

But loads of young women are vying to become influencers these days and it’s actually incredibly difficult to break through and make a success of it.
Therefore I think she should be taking you and the children into account - still aspiring and going for it but maybe making the move to Dublin once she has found some level of success. Or she may be the sorry one to have lost a husband and have nothing to show for it.

You say she has good traits - do you love each other and outside of this decision I’ve where to live issue can you see yourselves growing old happily together?

Hmm_Messiah · 02-07-2021 01:03PM

am i reading this right ?
you are from rural Ireland ?
you are from a small village which you love and want to stay living in

yet you met some one from half the world away and "I brought here 8 years ago to my small village" - how were you able to happily remove yourself form your lovely village to meet someone in Pakistan

your situation come across less and less as a love story ( you don't even say if you love her, which is usually the precursor to getting married) and more as you "acquiring" a wife and it not turning out with a happy end

I only mean this from the tone, and limited information you provide

and I am amazed red flags didn't show before the move , and were not discussed - is the lady from a rural remote part of Pakistan or an urban/city area

while some people from the city love and wish to live the rural life and all that comes with it, many would really find it too much a change from what they have experienced

again, and sorry to be blunt, only going on what i have read, looks like you may have made a very big mistake, and what you need to do is acknowledge that and resolve it - either trying properly to give your wife at least part of what she wants, or calling it a day

francie81 · 02-07-2021 01:12PM

YellowLead wrote: »

Therefore I think she should be taking you and the children into account - still aspiring and going for it but maybe making the move to Dublin once she has found some level of success. Or she may be the sorry one to have lost a husband and have nothing to show for it.

This is exactly what I have being saying and wouldn’t have a problem then, where I wouldn’t even have to work and travel 50mins each way.

Her family have being constantly helping us financially throughout the years even with the this move to Dublin now that might give an insight of the circumstances there too.

francie81 · 02-07-2021 01:17PM

Hmm_Messiah wrote: »

am i reading this right ?
you are from rural Ireland ?
you are from a small village which you love and want to stay living in

yet you met some one from half the world away and "I brought here 8 years ago to my small village" - how were you able to happily remove yourself form your lovely village to meet someone in Pakistan

your situation come across less and less as a love story ( you don't even say if you love her, which is usually the precursor to getting married) and more as you "acquiring" a wife and it not turning out with a happy end

I only mean this from the tone, and limited information you provide

and I am amazed red flags didn't show before the move , and were not discussed - is the lady from a rural remote part of Pakistan or an urban/city area

while some people from the city love and wish to live the rural life and all that comes with it, many would really find it too much a change from what they have experienced

again, and sorry to be blunt, only going on what i have read, looks like you may have made a very big mistake, and what you need to do is acknowledge that and resolve it - either trying properly to give your wife at least part of what she wants, or calling it a day

I do love her however as a result of this move giving it is done in the basis of hope than expectation is rather odd and unusual.

She is from Islamabad and would have lived in Saudi Arabia before.

YellowLead · 02-07-2021 01:23PM

francie81 wrote: »

This is exactly what I have being saying and wouldn’t have a problem then, where I wouldn’t even have to work and travel 50mins each way.

Her family have being constantly helping us financially throughout the years even with the this move to Dublin now that might give an insight of the circumstances there too.

Her family helping you guys out financially throws a whole new light on this. I think I’m light of this there should be more comprise on your part perhaps. If you feel there is marriage to save.

francie81 · 02-07-2021 01:26PM

YellowLead wrote: »

Her family helping you guys out financially throws a whole new light on this. I think I’m light of this there should be more comprise on your part perhaps. If you feel there is marriage to save.

In what way be happy of the move and see how it goes?

_Kaiser_ · 02-07-2021 01:40PM

francie81 wrote: »

Well she has good traits but in terms of vision for the future am not soo sure, she has this idea to be successful in business which she is looking to start a brand in what she is into in the hope is works out you know.
Am almost 40 there is 10 years between us.

You won't like this OP, but tough love time..

So she's not working now(?), is relying on you and her family to support her, and has this idea of living in Dublin as an "influencer" because she's bored with small town life (as most people her age would be).

To be honest it sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do here. An "influencer" isn't a job path for the vast majority of people, and on your side, you need to get over the idea of staying home close to mammy for the rest of your life. You have a family to think of and need to consider what's best for them, not just for you, and you're old enough (even if she's not) to understand this

I think a mid size town that's within relatively easy commuting to your job and Dublin is probably the best compromise from the location and activity perspective, but your post does not read as 2 people who are committed to the best choices and future prospects for your children, never mind yourselves. You're both just looking at it from your own personal wants - which should absolutely be secondary to the needs of your family as a whole.

I think you both need to have a serious discussion about your relationship and its future (and how you'll look after the kids regardless) before you start worrying about where you should live.

francie81 · 02-07-2021 02:12PM

_Kaiser_ wrote: »

You won't like this OP, but tough love time..

So she's not working now(?), is relying on you and her family to support her, and has this idea of living in Dublin as an "influencer" because she's bored with small town life (as most people her age would be).

To be honest it sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do here. An "influencer" isn't a job path for the vast majority of people, and on your side, you need to get over the idea of staying home close to mammy for the rest of your life. You have a family to think of and need to consider what's best for them, not just for you, and you're old enough (even if she's not) to understand this

I think a mid size town that's within relatively easy commuting to your job and Dublin is probably the best compromise from the location and activity perspective, but your post does not read as 2 people who are committed to the best choices and future prospects for your children, never mind yourselves. You're both just looking at it from your own personal wants - which should absolutely be secondary to the needs of your family as a whole.

I think you both need to have a serious discussion about your relationship and its future (and how you'll look after the kids regardless) before you start worrying about where you should live.

I agree the maturity here is very low. With regards to the kids she will say they will have a better mindset by growing up in the city opposed to that of village or town.
I would have much preferred to move into Drogheda which is only 10mins from my job however my wife did not want this and although she said try Dublin for a year (at a time I was stubborn about the move) and if if doesn’t work out we will come back but that has even gone out the window now that she is there and her happiness of being where she wanted to us fulfilled. Her reason for being there everything is next to you, more of her own minority, colleges, feeling safe, different mindsets etc.

Oh and currently I have nowhere else to go except my moms who is at an advanced stage with MS so the family is actually selling up the house soon and the plan is for her to go to a log cabin in my sisters so I will have to look for another place very soon anyway since am in this situation.

Am really at a crossroads of what to do or am I just thinking I am?

Hannibal_Smith · 02-07-2021 02:14PM

Mod Note

Yellow Card for RStoneX for breaching the Forum Charter. Please do not post in this thread again.

HS

tara73 · 02-07-2021 02:54PM

just to clarify: you are already living in Dublin? For me, it read in your opening post like this was the plan, but not actually living in Dublin yet

So do you live in rented accommodation in Dublin City? for a family of 5, it must be at least a 3 bed apartment, or a house? The rent for that is at least 2000€/per month, I guess more. Are you paying this or the parents of your wife?

if you are already living in Dublin and can afford the rent, why not staying there for the time being? Have to agree with other posters, it's very childish behaviour of yourself to run away to mammy, leaving the kids and the wife on her own in the house.

whole behaviour seems immature, you have to work on yourself and your wife too. Wanting to be an influencer...:rolleyes:

But the will has to be there, don't see much hope for it otherwise. Sorry to be blunt, but I pity the kids in this.

francie81 · 02-07-2021 03:03PM

tara73 wrote: »

just to clarify: you are already living in Dublin? For me, it read in your opening post like this was the plan, but not actually living in Dublin yet

So do you live in rented accommodation in Dublin City? for a family of 5, it must be at least a 3 bed apartment, or a house? The rent for that is at least 2000€/per month, I guess more. Are you paying this or the parents of your wife?

if you are already living in Dublin and can afford the rent, why not staying there for the time being? Have to agree with other posters, it's very childish behaviour of yourself to run away to mammy, leaving the kids and the wife on her own in the house.

whole behaviour seems immature, you have to work on yourself and your wife too. Wanting to be an influencer...:rolleyes:

But the will has to be there, don't see much hope for it otherwise. Sorry to be blunt, but I pity the kids in this.

I didn’t run I was told to leave because of my discontent. We went from a 3 bed house to a 2 bed apartment up 4 flights of stairs bang in city centre.

o1s1n · 02-07-2021 03:34PM

francie81 wrote: »

I didn’t run I was told to leave because of my discontent. We went from a 3 bed house to a 2 bed apartment up 4 flights of stairs bang in city centre.

I went from a three bed house to a 1 bed apartment up 4 flights of stairs in the city centre, absolutely love it

Just gotta make the most of being in the city. It's a bit annoying at the moment with covid but there's rakes of stuff to do. Do you not get out and about?

YellowLead · 02-07-2021 03:51PM

o1s1n wrote: »

I went from a three bed house to a 1 bed apartment up 4 flights of stairs in the city centre, absolutely love it

Just gotta make the most of being in the city. It's a bit annoying at the moment with covid but there's rakes of stuff to do. Do you not get out and about?

o1s1n do you have young children? That sort of changes things esp with apartment.

If you can’t afford private schools you are really taking a chance with schooling. But more so space wise apartments aren’t as ideal as houses for play.

I mean a lot of people make it work but it certainly would be why some people chose to move from city to suburbs once kids are in the mix.

o1s1n · 02-07-2021 03:57PM

YellowLead wrote: »

Do you have young children? That sort of changes things esp with apartment.

If you can’t afford private schools you are really taking a chance with schooling. But more so space wise apartments aren’t as ideal as houses for play.

I mean a lot of people make it work but it certainly would be why some people chose to move from city to suburbs once kids are in the mix.

Ah crap, I didn't pick up on there being 3 kids. That changes things entirely, I'd never dream of raising kids in an apartment if I'd the option of a house.

francie81 · 02-07-2021 04:16PM

o1s1n wrote: »

I went from a three bed house to a 1 bed apartment up 4 flights of stairs in the city centre, absolutely love it

Just gotta make the most of being in the city. It's a bit annoying at the moment with covid but there's rakes of stuff to do. Do you not get out and about?

When I hear ‘1 bed apartment’ perhaps your just like the many that I have seen around me there with no responsibilities please don’t compare such to my situation.

francie81 · 02-07-2021 04:21PM

YellowLead wrote: »

Do you have young children? That sort of changes things esp with apartment.

If you can’t afford private schools you are really taking a chance with schooling. But more so space wise apartments aren’t as ideal as houses for play.

I mean a lot of people make it work but it certainly would be why some people chose to move from city to suburbs once kids are in the mix.

Yes boys 7, 5 Tuesday and 1 year old.

Well I don’t know best so if you don’t like go back that’s what I get.

_Kaiser_ · 02-07-2021 04:23PM

francie81 wrote: »

I agree the maturity here is very low. With regards to the kids she will say they will have a better mindset by growing up in the city opposed to that of village or town.
I would have much preferred to move into Drogheda which is only 10mins from my job however my wife did not want this and although she said try Dublin for a year (at a time I was stubborn about the move) and if if doesn’t work out we will come back but that has even gone out the window now that she is there and her happiness of being where she wanted to us fulfilled. Her reason for being there everything is next to you, more of her own minority, colleges, feeling safe, different mindsets etc.

Oh and currently I have nowhere else to go except my moms who is at an advanced stage with MS so the family is actually selling up the house soon and the plan is for her to go to a log cabin in my sisters so I will have to look for another place very soon anyway since am in this situation.

Am really at a crossroads of what to do or am I just thinking I am?

No you're definitely at a crossroads, but it's a lot more fundamental than the living arrangements.

Firstly, you need to consider what's best for your kids and while a small apartment in Dublin isn't great, a small village may not be the answer either from a schools and socialising perspective. No matter what you and your wife decide, they have to come first.

You'll also have to pay child maintenance regardless if you do split up with your wife - as well as possibly maintenance/alimony (is that a thing in Ireland?) for her as she's not working and "wannabe influencer" is unlikely to be counted as means either.

I think Drogheda is a fair compromise to be honest. It's been years since I've been there admittedly but it's certainly big enough to have the facilities/services you'd both need, and has regular solid transport links to Dublin with the M1, rail and buses

I'm sorry to hear about your mam but as you say, you'll need to move soon anyway and you should be factoring the above considerations into account.

Fundamentally though, it seems to me like you and your wife are just too different to make it work. As well as the age/different stage of life gap, there's the cultural/urban vs rural divide, and neither of you seem to be willing to compromise - which to be honest really makes me worry for your kids.

So, I think my suggestion is to talk to your wife once more about this and if ye still can't meet halfway, you need to start thinking about an official separation and divorce proceedings - bearing in mind that you will not come out well from this with kids and a dependent wife involved, but unfortunately I don't see any other option.

02-07-2021 04:30PM

I imagine being Pakistani and living in a small rural town she feels more out of place than in Dublin which has become quite multicultural and has many people from her home county. She will always feel like the odd one out in killmucksavage. Go with her or wish her luck. I'm also from a small rural area and my missus is not Irish and we have a good life together in Dublin but both have good jobs as it is expensive so if you can't do that honestly you will end up in an area that a country boy who has enjoyed his home comforts all his life will struggle to adapt to as it will be on the rougher side of things.

Becoming an influencer is a hope not a plan and with 3 kids that is 100% your main priority. If they will have a better life down your way you should stay there until the day you have the income you need to make a proper go of it in Dublin.

francie81 · 02-07-2021 04:39PM

whatnow! wrote: »

I imagine being Pakistani and living in a small rural town she feels more out of place than in Dublin which has become quite multicultural and has many people from her home county. She will always feel like the odd one out in killmucksavage. Go with her or wish her luck. I'm also from a small rural area and my missus is not Irish.

Don’t you think there is anything odd about jumping into a city centre with 3 young kids bearing an extra cost in doing without a genuine plan?

Marriage in doubt over relocation.

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