Marriage in doubt over relocation.

francie81

Hi

I need help. Am from Ireland married with 3 kids and I have being separated since the weekend back living in my moms for now. So the problem here is about a relocation, my wife is originally from Pakistan whom I brought here 8 years ago to my small village and in late March she started the process of moving to Dublin City which I did not want (dragging my heels along the way) and still don’t want because my job is here and I just simply don’t like city life it’s not what I wished for my small kids going from a 3 bed house into a 2 bed apartment up 4 flights from of stairs.

She has her reasons for wanting to move to city however I do not think they are valid enough it’s not as though it’s for career or family reasons and she would use ‘I left everything for you to come here so can’t you do this for me, your still in your country’ when discussed.

I would have no problem moving to the bigger towns either side next to my village if she felt living somewhere with abit more life but this is a big jump especially with the way our finances are.
We are also on the social housing list in the area for few years now. Alot of people my family members and people who know me thought it was strange and would ask what has what has taken you there.

Since we moved I have being showing resentment towards my wife and just feeling miserable in general I just can’t help feeling this way she has being chasing me (as she says) but it’s not helping so now she told me to go back since am ruining her happiness. She also tells me that as a single mother that she would be better off financially thus not relying on me.

Should I really feel guilty for this, is it time to go our separate ways and have arrangements in place with the kids?

YellowLead

Don’t feel guilty. It sounds like there is a fundamental incompatibility between you two.

I would say did you not discuss all of this before you got married? But to be fair I am aware that people can change over time and clearly the two of you cannot reach a compromise on this one.

Was there ever genuine love there or did you just want a wife and she wanted to move to Ireland?

I think you gave it a good shot, you moved for her sake, but it’s made you miserable. Unless all the other elements of the marriage are happy, which in this case it sounds like they are not, you are better off continuing down the path of a split for your own sake. Plenty of people would like to live in Dublin but cannot afford to - surely a compromise could have been moving closer to Dublin or as you said a larger town and not your village.

It will not be be easy co parenting when you are both in different regions so have a good think about what you would like to see happen here. Best thing is you try and remain friends with your ex and prioritise the children’s well being.

Xterminator

Hi Op

let me sum this up.

your wife moved across the world to be with you. she wants to live in a city, but you don't. Since you reluctantly moved to the city, you have been "feeling miserable" and "showing resentment" to you wife. Finally you have made married life such a misery she has told you she thinks she would be happier without you.

Well - you have managed to take all the good from the situation and turn it bad.

As i see it you have 2 choices. stop acting like a spoilt child dragging down your wife with your childish 'showing resentment'. Apologieze and promise to try to make it work. Maybe do some couples therapy and work on your communication skills.

or

Go back home alone and think about what could have been.

o1s1n

How far away from Dublin is your job?

If it's commutable then I'd say you should try to give city living a go for your wife. As the previous poster noted, she literally moved to a different continent for you, the least you can do is try to live on a different part of a tiny island.

Seems like there should be a compromise between living with kids in an apartment in dublin and living in a small country town

Its not a lot of credit to either of ye that ye havent found it

If the both of you want to salvage this it should be doable, but you havent given her reasons for wanting to be in dublin so its hard to say more than that

YellowLead

For those saying OP should suck it up because his wife moved continents for him - we don’t know the circumstances there.

Sure she might have been from a wealthy background over there but chances are she was not and moving to Ireland was a huge bonus for her, she did well out of that deal and now OP has fulfilled his purpose in bringing her to a first world country and having children with her born here.

We just don’t know.

Surely if one person wants to live in a small rural village and the other wants the capital city - a compromise of a smaller city or large town is fair?

o1s1n

YellowLead wrote: »

For those saying OP should suck it up because his wife moved continents for him - we don’t know the circumstances there.

Sure she might have been from a wealthy background over there but chances are she was not and moving to Ireland was a huge bonus for her, she did well out of that deal and now OP has fulfilled his purpose in bringing her to a first world country and having children with her born here.

We just don’t know.

Surely if one person wants to live in a small rural village and the other wants the capital city - a compromise of a smaller city or large town is fair?

Whether she was rich or poor, she still left her family and friends behind. As someone married to a person from another continent, I can tell you now that this isn't easy and never really gets easy. It's such a huge decision, especially now with covid and being unable to travel.

I find it surprisingly that it wasn't discussed beforehand, maybe she was expecting to land in a first world cosmopolitan city and got a bit of a shock when she met small town Ireland? As you said, we don't really know the details.

RStoneX

francie81 wrote: »

Hi

I need help. Am from Ireland married with 3 kids and I have being separated since the weekend back living in my moms for now. So the problem here is about a relocation, my wife is originally from Pakistan whom I brought here 8 years ago.

She has her reasons for wanting to move to city however I do not think they are valid enough it’s not as though it’s for career or family reasons and she would use ‘I left everything for you to come here so can’t you do this for me, your still in your country’ when discussed.

Since we moved I have being showing resentment towards my wife and just feeling miserable in general She also tells me that as a single mother that she would be better off financially thus not relying on me.

Yep! Not relying on you instead relying on me and 80% of this forum contributors. :pac: Such a great outlook... #SpongeLife

Thanks for bringing her to Ireland OP. Enjoy living at home with your mother for the next 10+ years.

francie81

Thanks for the replies guys.

Well in regards to discussing possible relocations it wasn’t really discussed in a serious way but rather in a fantasy way.
She was aware enough I came from a small place and will say now that she was only putting on a happy front when deep down she wasn’t with regards to where we live. Am I making a big deal out of moving to Dublin I mean what would you do in this situation would you just go with it?

YellowLead

francie81 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies guys.

Well in regards to discussing possible relocations it wasn’t really discussed in a serious way but rather in a fantasy way.
She was aware enough I came from a small place and will say now that she was only putting on a happy front when deep down she wasn’t with regards to where we live. Am I making a big deal out of moving to Dublin I mean what would you do in this situation would you just go with it?

Do you love her or not???

Is it the only issue? If everything else is grand I’d probably suck it up and try and make the best of it for the kids sake, but have a deep conversation and try and work out other big compromises in life. Will she support you in future etc etc.

If she is negative about all of your ideas and you in general and always wants her own way, that’s a different story.
It’s not a good sign she wasn’t truthful with you before. Communication issues can kill a marriage so if you are staying together you both need to sort that.

francie81

RStoneX wrote: »

Yep! Not relying on you instead relying on me and 80% of this forum contributors. :pac: Such a great outlook... #SpongeLife

Thanks for bringing her to Ireland OP. Enjoy living at home with your mother for the next 10+ years.

Well she is an influencer albeit not in a career sense and is looking to start a brand trying in this way so you should retract such a comment.

francie81

YellowLead wrote: »

Do you love her or not???

Is it the only issue? If everything else is grand I’d probably suck it up and try and make the best of it for the kids sake, but have a deep conversation and try and work out other big compromises in life. Will she support you in future etc etc.

If she is negative about all of your ideas and you in general and always wants her own way, that’s a different story.
It’s not a good sign she wasn’t truthful with you before. Communication issues can kill a marriage so if you are staying together you both need to sort that.

Well she has good traits but in terms of vision for the future am not soo sure, she has this idea to be successful in business which she is looking to start a brand in what she is into in the hope is works out you know.
Am almost 40 there is 10 years between us.

YellowLead

francie81 wrote: »

Well she has good traits but in terms of vision for the future am not soo sure, she has this idea to be successful in business which she is looking to start a brand in what she is into in the hope is works out you know.
Am almost 40 there is 10 years between us.

It’s great that she has aspirations and dreams. I definitely wouldn't knock that.

But loads of young women are vying to become influencers these days and it’s actually incredibly difficult to break through and make a success of it.
Therefore I think she should be taking you and the children into account - still aspiring and going for it but maybe making the move to Dublin once she has found some level of success. Or she may be the sorry one to have lost a husband and have nothing to show for it.

You say she has good traits - do you love each other and outside of this decision I’ve where to live issue can you see yourselves growing old happily together?

Hmm_Messiah

am i reading this right ?
you are from rural Ireland ?
you are from a small village which you love and want to stay living in

yet you met some one from half the world away and "I brought here 8 years ago to my small village" - how were you able to happily remove yourself form your lovely village to meet someone in Pakistan

your situation come across less and less as a love story ( you don't even say if you love her, which is usually the precursor to getting married) and more as you "acquiring" a wife and it not turning out with a happy end


I only mean this from the tone, and limited information you provide

and I am amazed red flags didn't show before the move , and were not discussed - is the lady from a rural remote part of Pakistan or an urban/city area

while some people from the city love and wish to live the rural life and all that comes with it, many would really find it too much a change from what they have experienced

again, and sorry to be blunt, only going on what i have read, looks like you may have made a very big mistake, and what you need to do is acknowledge that and resolve it - either trying properly to give your wife at least part of what she wants, or calling it a day

francie81

YellowLead wrote: »

Therefore I think she should be taking you and the children into account - still aspiring and going for it but maybe making the move to Dublin once she has found some level of success. Or she may be the sorry one to have lost a husband and have nothing to show for it.

This is exactly what I have being saying and wouldn’t have a problem then, where I wouldn’t even have to work and travel 50mins each way.

Her family have being constantly helping us financially throughout the years even with the this move to Dublin now that might give an insight of the circumstances there too.

francie81

Hmm_Messiah wrote: »

am i reading this right ?
you are from rural Ireland ?
you are from a small village which you love and want to stay living in

yet you met some one from half the world away and "I brought here 8 years ago to my small village" - how were you able to happily remove yourself form your lovely village to meet someone in Pakistan

your situation come across less and less as a love story ( you don't even say if you love her, which is usually the precursor to getting married) and more as you "acquiring" a wife and it not turning out with a happy end


I only mean this from the tone, and limited information you provide

and I am amazed red flags didn't show before the move , and were not discussed - is the lady from a rural remote part of Pakistan or an urban/city area

while some people from the city love and wish to live the rural life and all that comes with it, many would really find it too much a change from what they have experienced

again, and sorry to be blunt, only going on what i have read, looks like you may have made a very big mistake, and what you need to do is acknowledge that and resolve it - either trying properly to give your wife at least part of what she wants, or calling it a day

I do love her however as a result of this move giving it is done in the basis of hope than expectation is rather odd and unusual.

She is from Islamabad and would have lived in Saudi Arabia before.

YellowLead

francie81 wrote: »

This is exactly what I have being saying and wouldn’t have a problem then, where I wouldn’t even have to work and travel 50mins each way.

Her family have being constantly helping us financially throughout the years even with the this move to Dublin now that might give an insight of the circumstances there too.

Her family helping you guys out financially throws a whole new light on this. I think I’m light of this there should be more comprise on your part perhaps. If you feel there is marriage to save.

francie81

YellowLead wrote: »

Her family helping you guys out financially throws a whole new light on this. I think I’m light of this there should be more comprise on your part perhaps. If you feel there is marriage to save.

In what way be happy of the move and see how it goes?

_Kaiser_

francie81 wrote: »

Well she has good traits but in terms of vision for the future am not soo sure, she has this idea to be successful in business which she is looking to start a brand in what she is into in the hope is works out you know.
Am almost 40 there is 10 years between us.

You won't like this OP, but tough love time..

So she's not working now(?), is relying on you and her family to support her, and has this idea of living in Dublin as an "influencer" because she's bored with small town life (as most people her age would be).

To be honest it sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do here. An "influencer" isn't a job path for the vast majority of people, and on your side, you need to get over the idea of staying home close to mammy for the rest of your life. You have a family to think of and need to consider what's best for them, not just for you, and you're old enough (even if she's not) to understand this

I think a mid size town that's within relatively easy commuting to your job and Dublin is probably the best compromise from the location and activity perspective, but your post does not read as 2 people who are committed to the best choices and future prospects for your children, never mind yourselves. You're both just looking at it from your own personal wants - which should absolutely be secondary to the needs of your family as a whole.

I think you both need to have a serious discussion about your relationship and its future (and how you'll look after the kids regardless) before you start worrying about where you should live.

francie81

_Kaiser_ wrote: »

You won't like this OP, but tough love time..

So she's not working now(?), is relying on you and her family to support her, and has this idea of living in Dublin as an "influencer" because she's bored with small town life (as most people her age would be).

To be honest it sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do here. An "influencer" isn't a job path for the vast majority of people, and on your side, you need to get over the idea of staying home close to mammy for the rest of your life. You have a family to think of and need to consider what's best for them, not just for you, and you're old enough (even if she's not) to understand this

I think a mid size town that's within relatively easy commuting to your job and Dublin is probably the best compromise from the location and activity perspective, but your post does not read as 2 people who are committed to the best choices and future prospects for your children, never mind yourselves. You're both just looking at it from your own personal wants - which should absolutely be secondary to the needs of your family as a whole.

I think you both need to have a serious discussion about your relationship and its future (and how you'll look after the kids regardless) before you start worrying about where you should live.

I agree the maturity here is very low. With regards to the kids she will say they will have a better mindset by growing up in the city opposed to that of village or town.
I would have much preferred to move into Drogheda which is only 10mins from my job however my wife did not want this and although she said try Dublin for a year (at a time I was stubborn about the move) and if if doesn’t work out we will come back but that has even gone out the window now that she is there and her happiness of being where she wanted to us fulfilled. Her reason for being there everything is next to you, more of her own minority, colleges, feeling safe, different mindsets etc.

Oh and currently I have nowhere else to go except my moms who is at an advanced stage with MS so the family is actually selling up the house soon and the plan is for her to go to a log cabin in my sisters so I will have to look for another place very soon anyway since am in this situation.

Am really at a crossroads of what to do or am I just thinking I am?

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Yellow Card for RStoneX for breaching the Forum Charter. Please do not post in this thread again.

HS

tara73

just to clarify: you are already living in Dublin? For me, it read in your opening post like this was the plan, but not actually living in Dublin yet

So do you live in rented accommodation in Dublin City? for a family of 5, it must be at least a 3 bed apartment, or a house? The rent for that is at least 2000€/per month, I guess more. Are you paying this or the parents of your wife?

if you are already living in Dublin and can afford the rent, why not staying there for the time being? Have to agree with other posters, it's very childish behaviour of yourself to run away to mammy, leaving the kids and the wife on her own in the house.

whole behaviour seems immature, you have to work on yourself and your wife too. Wanting to be an influencer...:rolleyes:

But the will has to be there, don't see much hope for it otherwise. Sorry to be blunt, but I pity the kids in this.

francie81

tara73 wrote: »

just to clarify: you are already living in Dublin? For me, it read in your opening post like this was the plan, but not actually living in Dublin yet

So do you live in rented accommodation in Dublin City? for a family of 5, it must be at least a 3 bed apartment, or a house? The rent for that is at least 2000€/per month, I guess more. Are you paying this or the parents of your wife?

if you are already living in Dublin and can afford the rent, why not staying there for the time being? Have to agree with other posters, it's very childish behaviour of yourself to run away to mammy, leaving the kids and the wife on her own in the house.

whole behaviour seems immature, you have to work on yourself and your wife too. Wanting to be an influencer...:rolleyes:

But the will has to be there, don't see much hope for it otherwise. Sorry to be blunt, but I pity the kids in this.

I didn’t run I was told to leave because of my discontent. We went from a 3 bed house to a 2 bed apartment up 4 flights of stairs bang in city centre.

o1s1n

francie81 wrote: »

I didn’t run I was told to leave because of my discontent. We went from a 3 bed house to a 2 bed apartment up 4 flights of stairs bang in city centre.

I went from a three bed house to a 1 bed apartment up 4 flights of stairs in the city centre, absolutely love it

Just gotta make the most of being in the city. It's a bit annoying at the moment with covid but there's rakes of stuff to do. Do you not get out and about?

YellowLead

o1s1n wrote: »

I went from a three bed house to a 1 bed apartment up 4 flights of stairs in the city centre, absolutely love it

Just gotta make the most of being in the city. It's a bit annoying at the moment with covid but there's rakes of stuff to do. Do you not get out and about?

o1s1n do you have young children? That sort of changes things esp with apartment.

If you can’t afford private schools you are really taking a chance with schooling. But more so space wise apartments aren’t as ideal as houses for play.

I mean a lot of people make it work but it certainly would be why some people chose to move from city to suburbs once kids are in the mix.

o1s1n

YellowLead wrote: »

Do you have young children? That sort of changes things esp with apartment.

If you can’t afford private schools you are really taking a chance with schooling. But more so space wise apartments aren’t as ideal as houses for play.

I mean a lot of people make it work but it certainly would be why some people chose to move from city to suburbs once kids are in the mix.

Ah crap, I didn't pick up on there being 3 kids. That changes things entirely, I'd never dream of raising kids in an apartment if I'd the option of a house.

francie81

o1s1n wrote: »

I went from a three bed house to a 1 bed apartment up 4 flights of stairs in the city centre, absolutely love it

Just gotta make the most of being in the city. It's a bit annoying at the moment with covid but there's rakes of stuff to do. Do you not get out and about?

When I hear ‘1 bed apartment’ perhaps your just like the many that I have seen around me there with no responsibilities please don’t compare such to my situation.

francie81

YellowLead wrote: »

Do you have young children? That sort of changes things esp with apartment.

If you can’t afford private schools you are really taking a chance with schooling. But more so space wise apartments aren’t as ideal as houses for play.

I mean a lot of people make it work but it certainly would be why some people chose to move from city to suburbs once kids are in the mix.

Yes boys 7, 5 Tuesday and 1 year old.

Well I don’t know best so if you don’t like go back that’s what I get.

_Kaiser_

francie81 wrote: »

I agree the maturity here is very low. With regards to the kids she will say they will have a better mindset by growing up in the city opposed to that of village or town.
I would have much preferred to move into Drogheda which is only 10mins from my job however my wife did not want this and although she said try Dublin for a year (at a time I was stubborn about the move) and if if doesn’t work out we will come back but that has even gone out the window now that she is there and her happiness of being where she wanted to us fulfilled. Her reason for being there everything is next to you, more of her own minority, colleges, feeling safe, different mindsets etc.

Oh and currently I have nowhere else to go except my moms who is at an advanced stage with MS so the family is actually selling up the house soon and the plan is for her to go to a log cabin in my sisters so I will have to look for another place very soon anyway since am in this situation.

Am really at a crossroads of what to do or am I just thinking I am?

No you're definitely at a crossroads, but it's a lot more fundamental than the living arrangements.

Firstly, you need to consider what's best for your kids and while a small apartment in Dublin isn't great, a small village may not be the answer either from a schools and socialising perspective. No matter what you and your wife decide, they have to come first.

You'll also have to pay child maintenance regardless if you do split up with your wife - as well as possibly maintenance/alimony (is that a thing in Ireland?) for her as she's not working and "wannabe influencer" is unlikely to be counted as means either.

I think Drogheda is a fair compromise to be honest. It's been years since I've been there admittedly but it's certainly big enough to have the facilities/services you'd both need, and has regular solid transport links to Dublin with the M1, rail and buses

I'm sorry to hear about your mam but as you say, you'll need to move soon anyway and you should be factoring the above considerations into account.

Fundamentally though, it seems to me like you and your wife are just too different to make it work. As well as the age/different stage of life gap, there's the cultural/urban vs rural divide, and neither of you seem to be willing to compromise - which to be honest really makes me worry for your kids.

So, I think my suggestion is to talk to your wife once more about this and if ye still can't meet halfway, you need to start thinking about an official separation and divorce proceedings - bearing in mind that you will not come out well from this with kids and a dependent wife involved, but unfortunately I don't see any other option.

I imagine being Pakistani and living in a small rural town she feels more out of place than in Dublin which has become quite multicultural and has many people from her home county. She will always feel like the odd one out in killmucksavage. Go with her or wish her luck. I'm also from a small rural area and my missus is not Irish and we have a good life together in Dublin but both have good jobs as it is expensive so if you can't do that honestly you will end up in an area that a country boy who has enjoyed his home comforts all his life will struggle to adapt to as it will be on the rougher side of things.

Becoming an influencer is a hope not a plan and with 3 kids that is 100% your main priority. If they will have a better life down your way you should stay there until the day you have the income you need to make a proper go of it in Dublin.

francie81

whatnow! wrote: »

I imagine being Pakistani and living in a small rural town she feels more out of place than in Dublin which has become quite multicultural and has many people from her home county. She will always feel like the odd one out in killmucksavage. Go with her or wish her luck. I'm also from a small rural area and my missus is not Irish.

Don’t you think there is anything odd about jumping into a city centre with 3 young kids bearing an extra cost in doing without a genuine plan?

francie81

francie81 wrote: »

Don’t you think there is anything odd about jumping into a city centre with 3 young kids bearing an extra cost in doing without a genuine plan?

I just edited my posted before seeing your reply to address this.

Yea it's foolish to come here unless ye have budgeted properly. The low cost areas are rougher and me and the country kids I grew up with would have struggled to adapt to the schools in these areas. The kids here are more street smart and tougher and being under extra financial stress doesn't make sense.

There are a load of girls with sizeable followings now on Instagram in Dublin and they don't make fook all. Hearing about the few that do is misleading.

Need a full time job and do the social media stuff on the side until the day it pays enough on a consistent basis to quit the job.

There is no need to be in Dublin to do this really either as most of the ones I hear about record in their homes. It sounds like she wants to be in a different environment than where she is now as she is not happy and her experience of living there is likely very different from your experience.

If you had a three year sensible plan to get to the financial place you need to be to live here you might be in to something otherwise she will get increasingly unhappy or just leave herself.

Jequ0n

I’m white and foreign and wouldn’t dream about living in rural Ireland.

OP, how did you meet your wife? Has she ever worked before? I could be wrong but it sounds like she has always had the comfort of financial support via her family (and you too). Ambition to become an influencer made me laugh and question her changes at a “real” job.

And have you considered what is best for your children apart from the flat/ house argument? In the city they would “stand out” less than in a small village. Surely they are enrolled in school now and can tell you if they enjoy living in Dublin. A lot of “my way or no other” from both of you tbh

francie81

Jequ0n wrote: »

I’m white and foreign and wouldn’t dream about living in rural Ireland.

OP, how did you meet your wife? Has she ever worked before? I could be wrong but it sounds like she has always had the comfort of financial support via her family (and you too). Ambition to become an influencer made me laugh and question her changes at a “real” job.

And have you considered what is best for your children apart from the flat/ house argument? In the city they would “stand out” less than in a small village. Surely they are enrolled in school now and can tell you if they enjoy living in Dublin. A lot of “my way or no other” from both of you tbh

We initially met online then in person in Dubai the rest is history.

She worked very briefly here in a restaurant and from there to Apache in the town that was actually ran by Pakistanis and she happened to be bullied by them and they say ‘we are from Drogheda’ so she puts it that they adopted the town mindset by saying such a thing just an example of how she even sees the bigger town but to me that’s looking too much into it I don’t know.
Am in the same job for the past 16 years.

She is of belief an apartment is better whereas am all for a house and I think here lies the problem with cultural difference in how she seen it growing up supported by her family at that.

And your right it’s my way of no way both ends but because she came from Pakistan to my village always makes me feel that was her compromise and I should return it in this way.

"The town mindset"

There you go, she feels marginalised and excluded and is hoping for a better more inclusive life in Dublin surrounded by other nationalities and Irish people who are used to being around foreigners and don't look at them as some mysterious exotic thing.

You're coming at this from a financial perspective much like I would do in most situations but if she feels like this money starts to be a lot less important.

I know exactly what the town mindset is as I've heard a lot of people share their mindset with me in the expectation that I would naturally agree with them. I ignore these fools now but it must be really hard for your missus if she has to deal with this regularly after having lived there for years as there is no shortage of these sort of ignorant fools down the country.

Jequ0n

How long did you know each other before you got together?

Look, truth be told your wife would n out have dug her heels in had you both been willing to compromise earlier, so you know that this is where you both failed.

Her Dublin dream is unrealistic and unsustainable unless she becomes the worlds most famous pizza influencer, because she seems to have no proper skill set whatsoever. You can live with your parent for a while and wait till she realises this herself, then use the opportunity to suggest drogheda again.
You might also want to consider how inflexible you are yourself as your only consideration seems to be your commute to a job (first job?). You are restricting your own life a lot.

chattering

Will you be looking for custody of the children if you break up and have you plans for their 24/7 care? I am guessing you would not like her to return to her homeland with the children? Maybe put the children first in all your doings.

NiceFella

Hi OP,

It seems there is very poor communication between yourself and your wife. I personally don't believe the only reason your wife wants to live in Dublin is because she wants to be a social influencer.

I'd be willing to bet she feels a tad alienated in small town Irish life and probably craves the broader cultural aspects of a capital. Perhaps more time to meet fellow Pakistanis, or a social life? Maybe she wants to be an influencer, but I hardly think it's the only reason.

The kids are the priority here and I think as long as you have a relatively good relationship with your wife outside of this issue, you should try to make this work.

While I would agree with you about rearing kids in an apartment, have you tried making a compromise? You could live in a commuter town that isn't too far from the city. Would that be an option?

Hannibal_Smith

Did you have any input into the type of home you moved to in Dublin? In fairness to her she did uproot her life and come here. She tried living in your town and didn't like it. Her not liking that town is just as valid as you not liking where she wants to move to. To be fair to her, it sounds like she gave it more of a go than you gave Dublin. I can't blame her for asking you to go if you've done nothing but moan and made the move miserable for the family.

Why can't you come to a compromise where you give Dublin a proper go, but on the basis you find somewhere more suitable to live. If it means moving to the outskirts to find something within your budget (whatever that is), ask her would she be willing to compromise at all.

It seems that separating is a bit extreme when there is plenty of wiggle room between what you both want, if you're willing to look for it.

francie81

chattering wrote: »

Will you be looking for custody of the children if you break up and have you plans for their 24/7 care? I am guessing you would not like her to return to her homeland with the children? Maybe put the children first in all your doings.

Yeah well my biggest fear is obviously if she was to go to her family who reside in Germany and Poland, her mom is here at the moment on visit visa and that’s another thing the plan is to bring her here permanently but only she can do so and to do that you need to be working 3 years.

francie81

NiceFella wrote: »

Hi OP,

It seems there is very poor communication between yourself and your wife. I personally don't believe the only reason your wife wants to live in Dublin is because she wants to be a social influencer.

I'd be willing to bet she feels a tad alienated in small town Irish life and probably craves the broader cultural aspects of a capital. Perhaps more time to meet fellow Pakistanis, or a social life? Maybe she wants to be an influencer, but I hardly think it's the only reason.

The kids are the priority here and I think as long as you have a relatively good relationship with your wife outside of this issue, you should try to make this work.

While I would agree with you about rearing kids in an apartment, have you tried making a compromise? You could live in a commuter town that isn't too far from the city. Would that be an option?

I hear you and yeah it’s not just about the influencer thing and of course I was willing to move into Drogheda but she didn’t want to negotiate this, not that long ago we were in Dundalk and she seen an area of houses next to many shops and said that would be a good spot to live right next tp those shops. I don’t know anymore what to think

She is only 29, she needs to learn some skills that someone will pay her for and when the youngest is in school and she has more time for herself she will be ready to rock. There are a lot of distance education courses that she can do and you can take on more of the child caring duties in the evenings to give her the time to do them.

Might be a male perspective but being stuck in a house in a foreign country looking after 3 kids in a location that I'm not fond of sounds like a recipe for disaster but she has to put the work in to prepare for a working life in 4 years from now if she is starting from zero and she will be much happier being out and about and being surrounded by other people she can socialise with and if her mother comes over that will help with the childcare.

If she wants a certain lifestyle she has to work to contribute towards it and you have to be willing to move to Dublin.

If I was single and meeting someone who told me they were looking to become an Instagram influencer I would wish them the best in life and be gone after than drink:)

Something that I would caution you about is that if you are the sole breadwinner for a family of 5 + her mother you probably don't have much savings or much of a private pension and when you hit pension age she won't be there for another 10 years and at that point she won't have much of a work history and the contributory pension only gives credits up to the youngest kid turning 12. If she is not working towards getting the skills to have a job now you might find yourselves in a very tough situation when you hit 65. I would recommend you really figure out what the situation would be like in scenario A, B, ect.

MissShihTzu

I kind of see it from both sides.

I'm from a different country, and a different ethnicity. I am married to an Irishman, and moved here from the UK where I am from. Before I moved over, we discussed and debated in great detail what the move would look like and how I would cope with life, where there are far less black and brown people here than at home. Getting my kind of food, hairdressing, beauty treatments, social life - you name it? We beat the subject to death. Did you discuss any of this in detail before you married? From what you've posted, I guess the answer's 'No'. Your wife is bringing up three small children in a village where the world seems very small to her. Yes - you have a house, but does your wife have friends and the ability to socialise in your village?

It's good to have dreams and aspirations, but I think your wife is being a little unrealistic with the idea of becoming an 'influencer'. As others have said - It's bloody hard work for little reward. The ones who've made it have been doing the graft for years. Is this something she's prepared to do??

I think she needs to find something else to do, bring in some money and maybe work on her idea on the side.

For yourself OP - Why have you left the house and left your wife alone with 3 small children? What kind of example are you setting for them - the pair of you? If I can't get my way I'll just leave??

Both of you seem to have a lot of growing up to do. Life is about compromises. Marriage is about compromises, especially as you have small children. It's not about what YOU want. It's not about what SHE wants. The children have to come first in any decision you make. Their wants and needs override yours whilst they are so small. Why can't the pair of you compromise and find somewhere to live that will suit BOTH of you? I would agree a small flat isn't an ideal place, (I'm thinking about space for the children to play, and you could have reasonable expectations of privacy) but maybe you could find a nice house within the commuter belt that all of you could feel comfortable and happy in?

You have to get together, and really TALK about this.

I hope it works out for you.

francie81

So am going to my kids today and staying till Sunday and perhaps we could have a constructive talk.

francie81

Phil.x wrote: »

Tell her to go jump.

Why?

lovebump

How long did you know her before you got married? From whats been said you met up with her in Dubai were you over there on a holiday visa? Did you go back and forth a few times before you married her? I'm getting the impression that you and her rushed into marriage.

I think you both are fundamental incompatible with each either , completely different mindsets and outlooks on life

Honestly I think you two should separate if just figuring out where to live is causing this much strain on the relationship it would probably be the best to call it a day while the both of still can before it gets resentful and bitter, better for the kids and yourselves

francie81

lovebump wrote: »

How long did you know her before you got married? From whats been said you met up with her in Dubai were you over there on a holiday visa? Did you go back and forth a few times before you married her? I'm getting the impression that you and her rushed into marriage.

I think you both are fundamental incompatible with each either , completely different mindsets and outlooks on life

Honestly I think you two should separate if just figuring out where to live is causing this much strain on the relationship it would probably be the best to call it a day while the both of still can before it gets resentful and bitter, better for the kids and yourselves

Just over a year before we married and just met that one time. Maybe but it would look like a waste if we could not meet half way on this so we are both happy.

Jequ0n

francie81 wrote: »

Just over a year before we married and just met that one time. Maybe but it would look like a waste if we could not meet half way on this so we are both happy.

Are you more interested in being happy or looking happy?

francie81

francie81 wrote: »

Just over a year before we married and just met that one time.

I wish you luck Francie especially for the sake of the kids but whatever ye decide they are young and will adapt quickly.

_Kaiser_

francie81 wrote: »

Just over a year before we married and just met that one time. Maybe but it would look like a waste if we could not meet half way on this so we are both happy.

I'm sorry OP, but what on Earth were you thinking?!

You married a girl from halfway around the world that you only actually met once beforehand?? Why??

The more details you post, the more strange this story becomes.

This is never going to work OP. You're at different stages of life, completely different backgrounds, have very different ideas and goals and you didn't even know each other properly (that old phrase "if you want to know me, come live with me" was never more apt) before you rushed into marriage and kids!

Forget trying to reconcile with your wife. She doesn't want to compromise on her wants, and you don't want to compromise on yours. As I said previously, it's your kids I'm concerned about more so.

Get yourself a divorce lawyer and start talking about what needs to be done to separate from this woman with the least possible damage while still retaining access to your kids - I'm assuming you want that right? It's just that you still only seem to be thinking about you and your wife. What about your relationship and future with them?