Husband is no help with baby

3DataModem · 10-06-2021 09:23AM

bones123 wrote: »

have considered childcare to help but he is also very proud and doesn't want someone else minding our baby.

A person working from 8am to 11pm does not get to veto you on this decision, imo.

Dtp1979 · 10-06-2021 09:23AM

I missed the part about the cable tied car seat to the tractor. That’s obviously a tactic from the husband to make the wife so fearful that she’ll just give in and not let it happen again. It’s just a more extreme version of doing something badly so you won’t be asked to do it again

iamwhoiam · 10-06-2021 09:41AM

Dtp1979 wrote: »

I missed the part about the cable tied car seat to the tractor. That’s obviously a tactic from the husband to make the wife so fearful that she’ll just give in and not let it happen again. It’s just a more extreme version of doing something badly so you won’t be asked to do it again

Its also a very high risk for the baby he loves . No one who loves their child puts them at risk like that

noplacehere · 10-06-2021 09:46AM

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Its also a very high risk for the baby he loves . No one who loves their child puts them at risk like that

Cable ties in this day and age. Like really, my parents think things are a bit overkill with car seats (we did extended rear facing to age four with ours) but not in a million years would they condone anything even remotely that ridiculous

shesty · 10-06-2021 10:09AM

To be honest with you OP, you will have 2 kids under 2 and that will be the breaking point. One small kid is stressful, two under two will result in a showdown of some sort in this situation and I can tell you now that is inevitable.
Better off to have the conversation now. His hours have to go. Some of the time working those hours is one thing - all of the time is an absolute no. He now has other responsibilities and he needs to accept that. Some men just don't realise that they have to stop putting themselves and their wants first all of the time once babies arrive.

IF he simply cannot give up those hours, then I suggest a couple of hard compromises are needed - a combination of one or all of the below:

First, (if he really must) that he only works til 11pm one or 2 days of the week. If he expects to be working til 11pm Monday to Friday, then he MUST be at home or with the child all day Saturday and Sunday - not anywhere near the farm/office/work at any point.

Second, if he cannot manage even that, then you must be allowed get childcare, use a laundry service and have a cleaner once every week or 2 weeks.
Third, he must take care of the house. DIY, grass, whatever - his problem. Push some of the load onto him.

Fourth - you are going to book at least 2 hours once a week for you, where he must sit at home or go out somewhere safe (not a farm, office, tractor or anything) with the child.

It is the most ridiculous thing in the world to have to do, but if he simply won't see it then it better be put down in writing, marked on calendars or whatever. His behaviour isn't good enough and the arrival of the second child will be the breaking point. Who is going to mind the first child when you are in hospital with the second???Start with that question and take it from there.

noplacehere · 10-06-2021 10:16AM

I agree with all of what Shesty has posted except with one change. The first one has to be done AS WELL as some of the 2nd/3rd/4th. Working those hours is madness no matter what other changes need to be made

Idle Passerby · 10-06-2021 10:17AM

I could be wrong here but this thread is reminding me of a woman a few years back who was engaged to a man like this, very traditional farmer, wouldn't live together before marriage, his mother did all his cooking, cleaning and the understanding was it would become his wife's job once they were married despite her being in full time employment. If this isn't the same person, I'm betting that scenario turned out much like this one.

Dtp1979 · 10-06-2021 10:21AM

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Its also a very high risk for the baby he loves . No one who loves their child puts them at risk like that

Ah Shur he only had to do it the once to teach her a lesson.

Just to note, I absolutely don’t agree with what he did

The Mighty Quinn · 10-06-2021 10:28AM

"traditional" man = man who doesn't do enough leg work around the house, suits himself.

Ms. Newbie18 · 10-06-2021 10:32AM

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you are dealing with all this.

From reading your posts, its sounds like both of you wanted and agreed to have children. Once the kids arrive, i'm sorry, but all hobbies take a back seat to the needs of the child. Why should your husband get to keep his hobby farm while you lose all your interests and have to handle home life + a FT job. That is a NO for me. Sit him down and lay it out. Hours spent away from the family need to be cut down drastically. You won't have a family if you don't spend quality family time together. You also won't have personal relationship or happy (long lasting) marriage if changes are not made. Even when/if your OH cuts back on hours, I would still look into getting help with the kids - so you can crave out time for yourself.

Good luck OP. I hope it all works out for you

Muahahaha · 10-06-2021 10:42AM

listermint wrote: »

There's no chance this chancer is working these hours .not a hope in this day and age with machinery available.

He's jaunting off probably pissing about in the sheds. Chatting with the neighbours, doing anything he can do to get off house work and generally doing his part for the home.

He knows what he is at frankly and taking you and the family for a ride. There's no positive to come out from this continuing as it will ruin your relationship and his with the children. There's a serious reckoning needed here and it may involve serious ultimatims .

Cant agree more, no way is he working 15 hours a day all year around. If the OP had of said he is in an office in Dublin working 15 hours a day all year round and doesnt arrive home till 11 every night most people would be suspecting he is having an affair or living some kind of double life. As it is I would say your post is dead right, he is calling into neighbours and wasting hours of his day just chatting when he could be at home helping out.

Would agree with others on the hobby farm having to go because it seems he already has a full time job and it is this farm giving him the excuse to never be at home. I hope to god he hasnt taken out some massive loan to buy a tiny 20 acre farm which is not viable to make money. Lots of fellas who 'dream' of farming do this but all their doing is putting in massive hours for little reward, their time would be better spent working elsewhere.

10-06-2021 11:55AM

bones123 wrote: »

have considered childcare to help but he is also very proud and doesn't want someone else minding our baby.

OK, stop right there. As this is affecting you, your health, and your wellbeing, you need to stand up to him strongly on this and basically, overrule him.
So, to proceed -
(1) Organise a babysitter for one evening a week so you can go off an do an activity.
(2) Organise a cleaner once a week, you're going to need it especially after babs no 2 comes along and it can be a lifesaver.
(3) If you can bring a load or two to a launderette once/twice a month this is a great help. I do it with towels and bedlinen, get them washed, dried and folded. Syncronise it so the clean bed linens are ready for when the cleaner comes, so they can change the beds.

Do not accept any promises of "I'll do better" from him, take matters into your own hands, and make the changes you need to make things better for yourself.

Big Bag of Chips · 10-06-2021 03:22PM

Deleted User wrote: »

.... take matters into your own hands, and make the changes you need to make things better for yourself.

And if, for some reason, you don't feel comfortable or 'allowed' to do this then you really need to take a long hard look at your relationship.

I'm sure he doesn't ok things with you before going ahead with doing what he wants.

The_Honeybadger · 10-06-2021 04:01PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I'm sure he doesn't ok things with you before going ahead with doing what he wants.

I think this sums up the issue. The OP is bending over backwards, sideways and every other way to accommodate her husband, yet she is an afterthought in his mind. He does what he wants when he wants and uses manipulation if she looks for something for herself that might inconvenience him, ie taking the baby on the tractor when she is out with friends knowing the OP will be out of her mind with worry.

He does not see himself as having any responsibilities whatsoever in the home. That would not be acceptable to the vast majority of women in this day and age, but now that the foundations for this continued behaviour have been laid it’ll be very hard to change.

SusanC10 · 10-06-2021 04:06PM

The_Honeybadger wrote: »

I think this sums up the issue. The OP is bending over backwards, sideways and every other way to accommodate her husband, yet she is an afterthought in his mind. He does what he wants when he wants and uses manipulation if she looks for something for herself that might inconvenience him, ie taking the baby on the tractor when she is out with friends knowing the OP will be out of her mind with worry.

He does not see himself as having any responsibilities whatsoever in the home. That would not be acceptable to the vast majority of women in this day and age, but now that the foundations for this continued behaviour have been laid it’ll be very hard to change.

I have to agree tbh.

As a SAHM and "dependent" on my Husband financially and in particular having more traditional roles within our marriage in recent years, I have never been made to feel that we are anything other than equal partners.

And I think that this may be part of the problem for the OP. Your Husband seems to just suit himself. This needs to stop and stop now. Before it gets worse.

Thelonious Monk · 10-06-2021 06:36PM

I am reminded of this comic strip

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

zapper55 · 10-06-2021 10:47PM

I've a child near your childs age and the cable ties for the car seat made me feel ill. He was willing to endanger his child to manipulate you into giving up the small amount of time you have to yourself.

I think you are understandably so caught up in it all you don't really see how unequal or toxic it all is. Could you and the child stay with a friend or relative for a night or two to give yourself a break and get some much needed headspace.

Jequ0n · 11-06-2021 06:16AM

zapper55 wrote: »

I've a child near your childs age and the cable ties for the car seat made me feel ill. He was willing to endanger his child to manipulate you into giving up the small amount of time you have to yourself.

I think you are understandably so caught up in it all you don't really see how unequal or toxic it all is. Could you and the child stay with a friend or relative for a night or two to give yourself a break and get some much needed headspace.

I don’t have experience with children or tractors but use cable ties for many many reasons and would deem them very solid. There you go, you can fall me an idiot now. For all we know the OPs husband has as little experience with kids too, since he doesn’t spend any time with his. I find it difficult to pinpoint this as a deliberate attempt to manipulate her because he might not have realised.

11-06-2021 06:26AM

The Mighty Quinn wrote: »

I'd still be questioning those hours. I know many working farms and yes the days can be long, but 15 hour days every day is not the norm..

id be assuming he is some sort of contractor,spreading slurry/making bales and hedgecutting etc

The hours arent unheard of at tillage certain times of year,if he is self-employed and only working on his own farm,its time to trim back,or hire some help for few days a week,theres companies specilise this (or hire someone to help with contracting)

Id be wary of advocating curtailing farm at the min,as the payments scheme is being reformed/updated and can have consequences for next 20 years

Meeoow · 11-06-2021 06:56AM

Jequ0n wrote: »

I don’t have experience with children or tractors but use cable ties for many many reasons and would deem them very solid. There you go, you can fall me an idiot now. For all we know the OPs husband has as little experience with kids too, since he doesn’t spend any time with his. I find it difficult to pinpoint this as a deliberate attempt to manipulate her because he might not have realised.

It's not the cable ties that are the issue, but a tractor doesn't have the same suspension or shock absorbers as a car. It is a shaky ride, not suitable for a small baby. It would be shaken quite hard, especially in an uneven field.

Caranica · 11-06-2021 07:22AM

Meeoow wrote: »

It's not the cable ties that are the issue, but a tractor doesn't have the same suspension or shock absorbers as a car. It is a shaky ride, not suitable for a small baby. It would be shaken quite hard, especially in an uneven field.

I would consider what he did to be worthy of reporting to child protective services. The cable ties are absolutely an issue, have you ever seen one in a car? Isofix systems for cars are infinitely stronger ace safer than cable ties.

OP you need to consider the safety and well-being of your child, your baby that's on the way and you. I don't consider the situation you're in to be safe on a number of levels. Think of what advice you'd give your friend, or a sister if they were telling you this story.

ShaShaBear · 11-06-2021 08:10AM

Cable ties on a car seat and shaky tractor. That is literally one of Ireland's famous farming "tragic accidents" waiting to happen.

Nobody on this planet with good intentions and a lick of sense would for a second even consider that to be a good idea with the amount of children and babies who have suffered horrific and untimely ends on the family farm. As another poster said, if I caught my own husband taking safety liberties like this with any of my kids, he'd have to fight his way through every court in the country to be allowed near them again.

Faith · 11-06-2021 08:27AM

OP, I had a look at your previous posts to see if there was some context to your husband behaving like this (eg is this a change for him or a pattern of behaviour) and I was struck by a post of yours in a thread from 2015 where you'd identified him (presumably the same person) as being unable to compromise on small things, and you'd reflected that it was a sign he'd struggle to compromise on big things.

Six years ago, you'd identified him as someone who won't compromise. You chose to stay with him, and that's absolutely a valid decision, but you knew who he was before you had a baby. You knew you'd have a struggle on your hands to get him to compromise on meeting your needs.

I suppose my question is, what have you done in the past to get him to hear you, and can you do that again now?

11-06-2021 08:54AM

Jequ0n wrote: »

I don’t have experience with children or tractors but use cable ties for many many reasons and would deem them very solid. There you go, you can fall me an idiot now. For all we know the OPs husband has as little experience with kids too, since he doesn’t spend any time with his. I find it difficult to pinpoint this as a deliberate attempt to manipulate her because he might not have realised.

Cable ties are fairly strong alright (depending on the material/width) but it's still an incomprehensible risk to take simply because safety seats aren't designed to be affixed with them, so you've no way of knowing if the forces etc will be displaced correctly, or if the plastic edges of the seat could cause them to cut due to friction etc (ime, cable ties are also easily cut). It's a mindbogglingly stupid thing to do. Anyone who works with machinery, even on a casual basis, should have enough cop on to know that if the machine jolts due to whatever reason, the ties could possibly sheer.

I tend to side with the people who say he's using work to avoid you and the kid OP, for whatever reason. I know lads who are always, always ultra busy unless it's something they actually want to do, at which time, time suddenly appears.

Mooooo · 11-06-2021 09:04AM

From my understanding he is running an agri related business with employees, and has then also bought a hobby farm. Tbh if he has to be in the office till 11 every night I'd be scratching my head at what agri related business it is. Fair enough there are those that deal with breakdowns etc but if there is that much work he should be able to employ a secretary/ office manager to cover the paperwork. Possibly needs training himself in terms of managing staff and time if ot has recently grown in scale fast.
The summer is coming and if he is used to employees he should be able to find a young lad nearby to do any time consuming jobs on the hobby farm to get it time efficient. Fencing, handling facilities etc. Use contractors to do machinery work.
How to get this across to him I don't know. Have ye anyone close that ye can confide in.

Perhaps maybe get yourself and the child off the bed early and write a letter with the struggles you are having and leave it sealed on the table for when he comes in. At least if he reads it perhaps on his own where there is no direct reaction to a person he may reflect on it. I dunno.

Also perhaps, don't ask, just get in a cleaner or whatever would take pressure off yourself one day a week or whatever. Just do it, your wages are coming in as well so make life easier for yourself in that regard at least

SusanC10 · 11-06-2021 09:13AM

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

I am reminded of this comic strip

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

That is excellent. Hadn't seen it before.

hurleronditch · 11-06-2021 09:25AM

SusanC10 wrote: »

That is excellent. Hadn't seen it before.

It is excellent.

Whilst I think all dads get tarred with a brush in it, and a lot of us do a lot more than implied in the cartoon and do share at least a reasonable portion of the mental load (I realise it is deploying a stereotype to achieve a positive outcome, rather than being accusatory), it certainly caused me to reevaluate how I address certain aspects of how our household is run.

TheadoreT · 11-06-2021 09:48AM

OP you're miserable and nothing will change here as displayed by previous threads of you being miserable and nothing changing. You've made decisions all along to end up where you are and you've nobody to blame but yourself. By the same token you're the only person that will get yourself out of this mess. You've a husband who's stood by and watched you be miserable this whole time so he's failed at the most fundamental level of being a partner- making you happy.

SteadyNed · 11-06-2021 01:30PM

I'm a part-time farmer, in roughly a similar situation as the OPs family (young child, another on the way), and have suffered from a touch of pnd as a father.

All I can say is that the father needs a sharp kick up the hole, in whatever form necessary.

Nobody needs to work those hours consistently and if they do, it's either gross inefficiency or trying to escape. He needs to be told plainly the effect it's having on you.

Ravendale · 11-06-2021 01:36PM

I'm not sure if those hours are even legal. But besides all that both of you need to sit down and discuss what you need, not want, need. Can you take on enxtra home help one afternoon a week so you can go shopping with your friends or go for lunch etc?

Maybe he can get cover one or 2 evenings a week for some daddy and baby time too. Everyone is different and I couldn't even dream of giving advice as what work for me not work for others.

Take care of your mental health first and stay safe

Husband is no help with baby

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