Husband is no help with baby

osarusan · 09-06-2021 08:38PM

Keep a diary of the next week - what time he leaves, gets home, comes home in the middle of the day, and so on. Sit down with him on a Sunday and show it to him, just how little you spend together as a family, the two of you as a couple, and him as a father to his child.

The first thing is to get him to acknowledge that he just needs to be around more. What's happening now is not sustainable.

Did you go back to work after the child was born, and if so, what happened then regarding childcare? After the birth of your second child, are there any plans for when you go back to work?

punisher5112 · 09-06-2021 08:41PM

Was he like that op before the baby?
Some just keep on going and going and going....
Honestly I believe it's a better trait then to have the so many low life's and spongers sitting around doing nothing while the rest of us pay their way through life such as a lovely home for them and their kids.....

If it's getting to you that you would like a break could you get someone in, opair wrong spelling or such to help out.

If he is doing them hours he will be doing quite well insure and sounds like a true workaholic farmer.

09-06-2021 08:41PM

OP, sorry to hear the situation is as it is. The hobby farm has to go, it’s as simple as that. There aren’t enough hours in the day for what he needs to attend to and it’s clearly what’s put him and you in turn where ye are. His pride is not pride, it’s foolishness. Call it what it is. Even without the children, this is daft stuff and there’s no other way to approach it. A good business that’s taken off for him with employees to manage and protect, a patient and supportive wife to love, a young and soon expanding family to be around for.. What the hell is he going to give up there just to let a daft notion of a hobby farm take a place in the priorities list? The farm has to go. Plain and simple.

Can’t understand the notion of a hobby farm. It’s not a hobby. It can’t be. No way a man with the responsibilities he has as listed above can waste any time on a selfish pursuit like it. He’s not alone in that, the whole hobby farm thing is a ridiculous idea for any man to be wasting time at. Leave it for the full-timers with the resources to spend on it, as a number 1 priority and business endeavour. Anyone else playing at it is a fool, a grade A eejit.

The farm has to go. Accept no excuses. Let his pride pay the price. You, his children, his employees, his customers. That’s the pecking order. When he puts 15 hours a day into that, then he can decide if he wants to have a hobby of some sort. Tell him to get this stuff straight in his head or you’ll do it for him by leaving, if that’s what it takes. No more playtime for him. He bloody well knows better.

Stop the farming, rent the land or sell it outright. Residual debt? Suck it up. Refinance that and the pair of ye work it off over the years. It’ll be easier when ye help each other, sleep properly, raise your kids the way they deserve and when he puts his focus on all of that and his business instead of his selfishness, his foolishness and his downright nonsese, AKA his hobby farm.

Tell him to stop being an arse and start being a good husband, father and businessman. Tell him he has your support to do what’s needed to correct course. Tell him you’ll hold him to it, but that he’ll have your absolute respect and admiration for doing the right thing now. Things have changed, so now he needs to change this for the better. Tell him his kids and wife will thank him for it and that he’ll thank himself too when the work to sort out this poxy mess is done too.

The farm goes. No if, ands, buts.

Tzardine · 09-06-2021 08:48PM

JayZeus wrote: »

OP, sorry to hear the situation is as it is. The hobby farm has to go, it’s as simple as that. There aren’t enough hours in the day for what he needs to attend to and it’s clearly what’s put him and you in turn where ye are. His pride is not pride, it’s foolishness. Call it what it is. Even without the children, this is daft stuff and there’s no other way to approach it. A good business that’s taken off for him with employees to manage and protect, a patient and supportive wife to love, a young and soon expanding family to be around for.. What the hell is he going to give up there just to let a daft notion of a hobby farm take a place in the priorities list? The farm has to go. Plain and simple.

Can’t understand the notion of a hobby farm. It’s not a hobby. It can’t be. No way a man with the responsibilities he has as listed above can waste any time on a selfish pursuit like it. He’s not alone in that, the whole hobby farm thing is a ridiculous idea for any man to be wasting time at. Leave it for the full-timers with the resources to spend on it, as a number 1 priority and business endeavour. Anyone else playing at it is a fool, a grade A eejit.

The farm has to go. Accept no excuses. Let his pride pay the price. You, his children, his employees, his customers. That’s the pecking order. When he puts 15 hours a day into that, then he can decide if he wants to have a hobby of some sort. Tell him to get this stuff straight in his head or you’ll do it for him by leaving, if that’s what it takes. No more playtime for him. He bloody well knows better.

Stop the farming, rent the land or sell it outright. Residual debt? Suck it up. Refinance that and the pair of ye work it off over the years. It’ll be easier when ye help each other, sleep properly, raise your kids the way they deserve and when he puts his focus on all of that and his business instead of his selfishness, his foolishness and his downright nonsese, AKA his hobby farm.

Tell him to stop being an arse and start being a good husband, father and businessman. Tell him he has your support to do what’s needed to correct course. Tell him you’ll hold him to it, but that he’ll have your absolute respect and admiration for doing the right thing now. Things have changed, so now he needs to change this for the better. Tell him his kids and wife will thank him for it and that he’ll thank himself too when the work to sort out this poxy mess is done too.

The farm goes. No if, ands, buts.

I would be careful about this approach, you could find that it would end the relationship. From what the OP has said I imagine he would not react well to it.

Don't give an ultimatum unless you intend to follow through.

HildaOgdenx · 09-06-2021 08:49PM

bones123 wrote: »

...have considered childcare to help but he is also very proud and doesn't want someone else minding our baby.

Does he have any inkling of how you feel, and how his behaviour comes across, from your perspective? He doesn't have much to be proud of, the way he is treating you and the baby, imo.

09-06-2021 08:56PM

Tzardine wrote: »

I would be careful about this approach, you could find that it would end the relationship. From what the OP has said I imagine he would not react well to it.

That’s all well and good, but, what relationship? He’s home for 9 hours a night and has his dinner handed to him. Sure what sort of relationship can it be for a wife, let alone for a child and their father, with barely a waking hour to spend together.

The man needs to be one. A husband and a father, an entrepreneur with employees and customers. He may not like being told it but that’s how this stacks up. If he won’t do what he must do to serve his relationships in that order foremost, sure the relationship is as good as ended as it is. Harsh and all as that may seem, I’d think he’s intelligent and clever enough to realise that’s what’s at stake here. Ignoring that just leaves the OP in limbo and won’t help her or her youngsters one bit.

If he’s half the man I reckon he is (which is hardworking and decent, OP), he just needs to realise that enough is enough and the farm is more than that. He has to get rid of it or there’s SFA to be working for.

Ann84 · 09-06-2021 09:02PM

bones123 wrote: »

he is also very proud and doesn't want someone else minding our baby.

Sorry but this is too much - he sounds like a total control freak.
Refuses to mind his kids and then thinks he has a say on who does? Nope - just nope. Put the kids in crèche for a few hours a day/ week and get yourself some personal time.
Also - he is absolutely responsible for helping around the house - if he doesn’t want to do that, he can pay for a cleaner to come in.
Being a mother doesn’t mean you are a full time slave either.

afkasurfjunkie · 09-06-2021 09:15PM

Eh, who does he think is going to mind the baby when you go to hospital to have the second one?

appledrop · 09-06-2021 09:16PM

God almighty OP, I don't know where to start.

So upset for you that your husband is treating his family like this.

You have said you have tried to talk to him but making no difference so I think its time to stop talking and show him you mean business and are not going to take this crap anymore.

You need to stop thinking about what he does and doesn't want and actually start thinking about what you need because he certainly isn't considering you.

First up is childcare. This could be a local childminder for just a few hours but will give you space for yourself.

Next up is a very frank discussion about his job. I'm not from farming background so haven't a clue about ins and out but something has to be given up. He can't continue with these hours/ all these different jobs. Your not a stay at home slave. Minding a child when pregnant is hard work. We are not living in 1950s.

Thirdly under no circumstances give up your job after you next maternity leave no matter what he says.

If things don't improve unfortunately this relationship may not last and you need your own financial independence.

I think you need to decide for yourself what are you going to do if nothing changes? Are you going to just put up with that? That's your decision but you need to be clear what your breaking point is and what that means for your relationship.

Girl Geraldine · 09-06-2021 09:23PM

From what you describe, I would say it is probably a very traditional mindset that he has, especially if he is from a rural farming background himself. That mindset being that the man goes out and works every hour god sends to put the money on the table and the woman does all the household and children stuff. It is probably the way his parents and grandparents before him were and it would be hard wired into his brain.

If you succeeded in convincing him to stay home a few more hours or spend "quality time" as you see it, in his mind it is probably just another job to have to schedule into the day and he'd be counting down the minutes until he could go back out at the farming. And in typical fashion he'd be telling them down at the mart that his wife is making him do x,y,z. Just look at his reaction when you got him to do things with the child - he said he didn't know what the hell he was supposed to be doing, the whole thing of minding a child as alien to him. To the point that he cable tied the child into the tractor. ffs you couldn't make it up. Did he even feed or change to poor child during that time? Poor child was probably exhausted and traumatised after it.

Honestly, I've seen this before. Fellas like this are very set in their values, beliefs and ways. Caveman mentality. There is no changing them. A lot of them won't even talk about it because they don't talk about things like that. If you push them too hard they could end up getting angry or going on the drink.
I would guess that if it came to making a choice between the land and the wife he would choose the land, because what would the neighbours think if you sold the land. You'd be the talk of the mart for years.

It sounds crazy - but with dyed in the wool rural farming traditionalists, that is just the reality a lot of the time.

So I don't know what advice to give you. I doubt there's much scope for any voluntary change. Honestly, I'd say it could well come down to a case of either take it and accept it, or leave it and move on from the relationship. But of course he wouldn't want that either because of what would the neighbours think of a broken home and he'd have no-one at home to boil his spuds or wash his clothes.

Do you mind me asking what age is this man?

Eh, who does he think is going to mind the baby when you go to hospital to have the second one?

Not him anyway because if I have the vibe right he will be working while she is in the hospital having the baby.

appledrop · 09-06-2021 09:46PM

Maybe if he is so obsessed with the farm maybe spell it out to him that if things don't change that will mean the end of relationship which will mean the dividing up of assets including the land!

Maybe he will care then!

SmallgirlBigcity · 09-06-2021 09:50PM

Sorry to hear about your situation OP. It doesn't sound normal to me at all. It's not normal to live like that. You need support. I would definitely put your foot down about the childcare situation,especially with another one on the way. Please have the conversation with him and put your needs first. You need to mind yourself so you are healthy and in a good place to mind the children. This might have been the way a farmers wife lived back in the 50's but things have changed! There are supports there for a reason.

On a side note. I'm absolutely horrified with your comment about the car seat and the tractor. To be honest, if my child's father did this, I would leave him immediately and I wouldn't leave the child with him again. The fact that he did this shows his absolute lack of understanding of the basic safety needs of a child. Sorry, don't mean to be harsh. But my god that's frightening. Best of luck to you anyway. I hope you the help you need and deserve.

listermint · 09-06-2021 09:58PM

There's no chance this chancer is working these hours .not a hope in this day and age with machinery available.

He's jaunting off probably pissing about in the sheds. Chatting with the neighbours, doing anything he can do to get off house work and generally doing his part for the home.

He knows what he is at frankly and taking you and the family for a ride. There's no positive to come out from this continuing as it will ruin your relationship and his with the children. There's a serious reckoning needed here and it may involve serious ultimatims .

Sonic the Shaghog · 09-06-2021 10:15PM

OP it's very hard to judge without knowing his full-time gig, is he a vet, a contractor who rents out off sort of machinery or does he drive a track machine etc?

Had he a any land beforehand or did he just randomly buy this farm?

Antares35 · 09-06-2021 10:19PM

bones123 wrote: »

I should have been clearer about his job, he does have a small farm which he describes as his hobby, but he works in an agri role that involves on call a few nights a week, this can be busier at certain times of the year. I should also have specified that I am on full pay so even though he earns more than me, I bring in a decent wage myself. The on call I can deal with, it's the hobby farm and the endless paperwork that has him away for such long hours, he employs staff and could delegate more hands on work to have time for paperwork but this hasn't happened though it has been promised. I also assist with paperwork where I can, eg invoicing, Vat returns etc. have considered childcare to help but he is also very proud and doesn't want someone else minding our baby.

It seems unreasonable that he isn't around (whether by choice or necessity is a separate matter) to mind the baby, but also feels he can dictate that nobody else can mind the baby. It's all well and good being proud when he isn't there 15 hours a day.

topmanamillion · 09-06-2021 10:45PM

osarusan wrote: »

I know in the summer some farmers/agricultural contractors can be incredibly busy with turf, silage and the likes, and as a self-employed person, any job turned down hits you directly in the pocket.

But in winter, when it's dark from 5pm, what is he actually doing until 11? If he's actually working all those hours, it's a terrible situation. Is he?

Is he hell. He has a clearly defined role for himself and the missus by the looks of it and that's heavily based on what he saw growing up ie his own mother being the "doer" as the OP put it or in other words the skivy as the OP is finding out.

Not a whole lot has changed in his life since the birth of his child. He's still pursuing his interests with very little interference from his home life.
The complete opposite of what has happened to the OP.

OP of course you should discuss this with your husband and see if things change. Your attempts in the past have failed and its unlikely there will be change only empty promises. The child minder stuff just shows how far off base he is.

Big Bag of Chips · 10-06-2021 05:45AM

bones123 wrote: »

have considered childcare to help but he is also very proud and doesn't want someone else minding our baby.

bones123 wrote: »

I also hated the idea of the car seat being tied onto the tractor seat with ties. I didn't feel it was safe, so I stopped my activity to prevent this.

He is absolutely 100% taking the piss. Doesn't want anyone else minding the baby. Makes sure you will not be able to go out, even once a week for a break for yourself. A tractor is not a smooth ride! I cannot believe he put a small baby into one past bedtime to drive around shaking the sht out of child.

He wants the little woman in her place, at home, handing his dinner up to him and providing an heir for his hobby.

He either pays someone to help him so he's home (and helping) at a reasonable time. Or he pays someone to come into the house and help you do the stuff that he's not doing.

I think a very stern chat is needed here. Think about what you want. Think about realistically what you think you can achieve together and think what alternatives need to be put in place if he refuses to step up.

He sounds like a very controlling man, and it sounds like you might be discouraged from going back to work after baby 2.

Who minded the baby while you went back to work before this leave?

Dtp1979 · 10-06-2021 05:56AM

listermint wrote: »

There's no chance this chancer is working these hours .not a hope in this day and age with machinery available.

He's jaunting off probably pissing about in the sheds. Chatting with the neighbours, doing anything he can do to get off house work and generally doing his part for the home.

He knows what he is at frankly and taking you and the family for a ride. There's no positive to come out from this continuing as it will ruin your relationship and his with the children. There's a serious reckoning needed here and it may involve serious ultimatims .

Absolutely agree with this.

He’s even invent little jobs to keep himself busy I’d say. There was never a truer saying “work to live, don’t live to work”

10-06-2021 06:09AM

I'm surprised he has time to play with your daughter and make a second

Jequ0n · 10-06-2021 06:12AM

Why did you decide to have a second child if he showed no interest in the first one?
Sounds like a pattern here: he wants something and you give in in the end, no matter what it is about. He has no incentive to want to change this until you stop playing along.

Wanderer78 · 10-06-2021 06:29AM

Something seriously needs to change here, having more kids is not gonna resolve them, there's fundamental issues in your marriage that require urgent attention. Op you're deeply unhappy, and understandable so, your husband needs to cut back his working hours, you need more support from him, financial support is only one critical aspect of being a partner, emotional support probably being more critical, he's failing on this, but cannot offer it under his current working conditions. You need to have a frank discussion with him about this, or your marriage may not survive, and you may collapse in the process. He may feel he's doing the right thing by providing, but again he's missing a trick, emotional support, best of luck

eviltwin · 10-06-2021 06:51AM

It’s like a form of coercive control. You have effectively been cut off from anything outside the family home. That’s no life. Do you intend to be tied to the kitchen for the next 18 years?

Of course he gets to go off and do god knows what. I don’t believe he’s actually working the entire time he’s out.

Wanderer78 · 10-06-2021 06:53AM

eviltwin wrote:

Of course he gets to go off and do god knows what. I donâ€™t believe heâ€™s actually working the entire time heâ€™s out.

He could very well be, you d be surprised how hard some people work, worked with a farmer before, after doing a full shift, he d be off to the farm, always wondered if he slept!

Jequ0n · 10-06-2021 07:18AM

eviltwin wrote: »

It’s like a form of coercive control. You have effectively been cut off from anything outside the family home. That’s no life. Do you intend to be tied to the kitchen for the next 18 years?

Of course he gets to go off and do god knows what. I don’t believe he’s actually working the entire time he’s out.

Maybe, maybe not.
Either way it takes two to tango and only the OP can change this.

noplacehere · 10-06-2021 07:34AM

This is insane. Every bit of it. My husband works long hours in a different industry. But the hours yours is working?? That’s mental. He works smarter or he gives something up. No excuses. My husband has a tendency to drift up in hours over a year or two and a sit down discussion is had to correct it. The first time this was needed I clocked his hours for a week and sat him down with it! Haven’t needed to since, just a reminder is fine.

However the car seat? Interfering with bedtime?? No helping with the kids? Or telling me I can’t get help? Hell no. He wouldn’t dream of it. I had childcare for my second pregnancy (wouldn’t have functioned without it). We have a fortnightly cleaner. And no matter if he has to go back out for work he tries to be there for bedtime every night to read stories/baths/teeth etc and to catch up on the news of the day

Your husband barely sees the baby with those hours? And that’s not going to get better, even when the baby gets to school age sure he won’t see him.

I am loath to comment on these posts and particularly suggesting drastic action but this needs drastic action and some very blunt ‘this is what is happening’ discussion at least in relation to getting you help now

The Mighty Quinn · 10-06-2021 07:45AM

You say he loves and plays with the child... While working/being out of the home for 100+ hours a week..

How does that work?

hurleronditch · 10-06-2021 08:45AM

I think the hobby farm here has to go. Assuming it’s a hobby and not a significant income generator for the family he might as well be on a golf course or in the pub 7 nights a week from your perspective. He’s doing it for his own interest, no other reason, whilst you’re begrudgingly permitted a few hours once a week, during which time he takes unacceptable risks with your child, disrupting their sleep and generally trying to make you not want to leave the child with him.

You need a fairly frank conversation, and quickly. Two children, whilst recovering from the birth in the first few weeks is unmanageable in the real world. He needs to know he’ll be solo parenting for the few days you’re in, and that bedtimes, dinners etc for your older child will be all him for the foreseeable.

Having a “traditional” relationship where one partner works outside the home and the other takes care of the primary homemaking and childminding is much, much less common nowadays. Whilst this doesn’t mean it can’t work (and it likely does work for countless families around the country), society has moved on from this being the expected norm, and he needs to understand that quickly.

Sono · 10-06-2021 09:05AM

A lot of home truths in the replies for the OP to take in, must be hard to read.

SusanC10 · 10-06-2021 09:06AM

OP - I really think that you need to sit down with him and have a chat. Soon. And certainly before your second child arrives.

Do you make joint decisions ? On big and/or important things? Do you pool finances and make large financial decisions together?

I am from a farming background so I understand long hours and the commitment involved. But it seems that your Husband made this decision to buy a farm (rather than inheriting) after you were married. Were you involved in this decision including financially?
Does he feel that you as a family need the extra Income from the farm ? Do you ?

I am a SAHM. It wasn't the plan but I took redundancy when our youngest child was very young. My Husband, until the Pandemic hit, worked very long hours and commuted meaning he was often gone 13 hours a day. He also travelled a lot abroad for work. We have no family nearby.
So, I understand the feeling of being like a single parent some of the time.

But, we made the decision together that I take the redundancy. We made the decision together that I stay SAHM for a few years while he provided financially for us.
We also used part-time childcare and had a babysitter. While we don't have a regular Cleaner since I stopped working, I got the house deep-cleaned every 3 months and used a laundry service when needed.
And my Husband when at home was and still is fully hands-on with the kids.

I don't even know what to say on the car seat cable-tied to the tractor. That can never happen again.

I think a sit-down and a proper chat with a plan going-forward are needed. Or things are only get worse when your second child arrives.
For me, I found it particularly hard at that point and I was still working then.

Wishing you the best.

HildaOgdenx · 10-06-2021 09:11AM

Just to add, OP, I worked with a guy some years ago, who spent extremely long hours at his desk, when his children were small. I'm talking ridiculous hours. We all knew what he was at, avoiding being at home with a newborn, and a small child. He wasn't known as the hardest of workers tbh.

So, while I understand that farming hours, on top of his other job, are a bit different, he wouldn't be the first or last to use work as an excuse to avoid the daily grind.

If a conversation doesn't change things, you need to start looking out for yourself, getting paid help to mind the children, so that you can have a life, including getting back to work, and being able to enjoy leisure activities. His 'pride' is no help, so it will have to come second, imo.

Husband is no help with baby

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