Husband is no help with baby

bones123

As the title says, my husband is no help with our baby. Our much longed for baby is nearly a year and is the absolute light of our lives. He adores playing with her but does absolutely nothing to help out. He works very long hours, self employed in agriculture so is mostly gone at 8am and not home till 11pm. He does come home for his dinner in the middle of the day which I make everyday. There are no weekends off except the very odd Sunday and he may finish at 10pm on a Sat night. The odd day he will call for half an hour at another point in the day. I also work but as I am pregnant again I am out on high risk leave. I was looking forward to going back to work for a break to be honest. I'm worn out, I have no free time to so much as go for a walk by myself. I did ask him to take her one evening a week so I could meet friends to do an activity, he did this but refused to stay at home so she could sleep in her cot, instead drove her around with him doing jobs and i then had to drive to collect her from him, meaning on those nights her sleep was terrible so i decided it wasnt worth it to keep going to the activity.
He himself grew up in a family where his mom was very much the doer for everyone. I feel like a single mother, without the potential financial implications of that. I am at my wits end. I was worried that he would be no help while I was pregnant with our first baby and he swore blind he would be great. That hasn't happened. I also believe he suffered from pnd when she was born, he took no time off work, I had had an emergency section, so I found it very tough. He also slept in the spare room until she was 4.5 months old as she was a terrible sleeper. He does love her but has no idea what's involved in actually caring for her. I've tried the nagging, have been upset, have begged him to change, but work is genuinely his life. He actually asked me what would he do if he took time off. I take care of all the housework, including cutting the grass, diy, painting etc while our baby sleeps. It's draining and I'm dreading to think how I'll cope with 2. Any advice on how to convince a husband to help?

Tzardine

Apologies in advance, because I am probably going to sound like a dick, but I don't mean to.

But if he is working 15 hour days, and you are not working (outside the home), I think you have to expect that he is not going to be able to do much.

I think you are being unreasonable based on how you describe his work routine.

banie01

He is by your 8am - 11pm reckoning, working 15hrs a day.
He is perhaps focused to tightly on providing for you both?
But if those are the hours he needs to work to keep afloat?
He clearly needs to reassess hi approach to farm management, but until such time as he does?

What time does he have to actually spend with baby?

The Mighty Quinn

I don't know what to say other than I feel for your situation. We've a newborn and a 16 month old. It's tough going and I really wish you the best.

In essence you are a single mother really if he turns up for his dinner, his sleep and off again to do what he wants to do. You'll be told you knew what you were walking in to if he works in agriculture, and maybe you did but being told or thinking what it's going to be like is a lot easier than living what it's like with small children.

JPup

If he is really working as much as you describe it sounds like he might be a workaholic. Does he never take any time off?

If it is an addiction, then they can be hard to break. You need the addict to admit it and want to change.

In the short term, is there anyone else around who can help you? Family or friends?

Otherwise you should look into a child minding service. You badly need a break for your sake and your babies!

iamwhoiam

At what time do you expect him to look after the baby ? He is gone from 8-11 so has barely time to sleep and eat

Maybe sitting down and talking about help on the farm or time management would help you both understand how his hours are simply too long to have any family life

Have you anyone who could take the baby for a few hours for you ?

The Mighty Quinn

iamwhoiam wrote: »

At what time do you expect him to look after the baby ? He is gone from 8-11 so has barely time to sleep and eat

I'd still be questioning those hours. I know many working farms and yes the days can be long, but 15 hour days every day is not the norm..

YellowLead

It sounds like you are going through a really tough time. Have you any support outside of your husband - family or friends- nearby?

With you doing all of the housework is this how it was before baby was born - ie. you both worked but you carried the full load of the housework? If so, did you discuss that this might need to change or did you just assume it would?

To be fair to your husband it sounds like he works every hour he is awake. Having grown up on a farm myself I know that this is a reality with agricultural work. So it’s not like he is out having fun while you toil. Doesn’t make it any easier for you though, I know. I do think you are being a bit unreasonable regarding him taking the baby out and about - that is what happened with us growing up on the farm and it didn’t do us any harm. We all parent in our own way and he is entitled to his view on what is appropriate too. Though if you have any child safety concerns then of course that doesn’t apply.

Is there any way you could afford a bit of help once your second baby is born and you go back to work - a nanny that could do some housework too?

Hannibal_Smith

Can you get help? Do you have any family close by that you could ask for help to maybe take the baby for a couple of hours? What was the childcare set up when you went back to work initially? If you're out of work with a high risk pregnancy and a husband working such long hours and no family around you, I would look at availing of some sort of childcare even for a couple of mornings a week.

There's not much your husband can do if he's working such long hours. Equally I completely understand you need a break. Talk to your him about the different options you can explore so that you get that break.

FromADistance

Let's say you do convince him to help. What's the financial reality of that? Have you a handle of how the farm is performing? Because that's what it will come down to. We all know farming is a tough game and putting in less hours will ultimately affect the performance of the farming enterprise. I doubt he is putting in 15 hour days for the fun of it but any conversation has to take account of this reality.

bones123

The Mighty Quinn wrote: »

I'd still be questioning those hours. I know many working farms and yes the days can be long, but 15 hour days every day is not the norm..

I should have been clearer about his job, he does have a small farm which he describes as his hobby, but he works in an agri role that involves on call a few nights a week, this can be busier at certain times of the year. I should also have specified that I am on full pay so even though he earns more than me, I bring in a decent wage myself. The on call I can deal with, it's the hobby farm and the endless paperwork that has him away for such long hours, he employs staff and could delegate more hands on work to have time for paperwork but this hasn't happened though it has been promised. I also assist with paperwork where I can, eg invoicing, Vat returns etc. have considered childcare to help but he is also very proud and doesn't want someone else minding our baby.

osarusan

I know in the summer some farmers/agricultural contractors can be incredibly busy with turf, silage and the likes, and as a self-employed person, any job turned down hits you directly in the pocket.

But in winter, when it's dark from 5pm, what is he actually doing until 11? If he's actually working all those hours, it's a terrible situation. Is he?

Hannibal_Smith

have considered childcare to help but he is also very proud and doesn't want someone else minding our baby.

You need a break. He's working all day. Only choice is child care or family. You need to talk to him about the options open to you both. All options. You get a say too.

Sono

He doesn’t want childcare but is not around to help you? If I were you I would tell him the baby is going into childcare cos you can’t deal with everything by yourself. He should not be calling the shots here, you need to do what’s best for you, your baby and your unborn.

Best of luck.

iamwhoiam

He is too proud to have childcare yet is not there for his baby himself ? This needs addressing and a long talk about his family and what you are feeling . A baby should not be carted around at 11 pm at night so he can work , that’s no life for a small baby
A baby needs to be tucked up in his cot in the evening and not in a car seat

Augme

bones123 wrote: »

have considered childcare to help but he is also very proud and doesn't want someone else minding our baby.

I could empathize with him until this part. Doesn't want someone morning his baby but isn't willing to do it himself? Give me a break ffs. His attitude to childcare is ridiculous.

simonw

What were his hours like before the baby arrived? You must have hardly seen him as it was?

fits

A friend of mines husband is a vet and has hours like this too. It’s so tough. Definitely get help with something. I think I’d go mad doing everything with no help.

bones123

simonw wrote: »

What were his hours like before the baby arrived? You must have hardly seen him as it was?

His business has expanded quite quickly and the farm only came about after we were married, I didn't realise when he was buying the farm that any spare time he had would be put into it.

bones123

osarusan wrote: »

I know in the summer some farmers/agricultural contractors can be incredibly busy with turf, silage and the likes, and as a self-employed person, any job turned down hits you directly in the pocket.

But in winter, when it's dark from 5pm, what is he actually doing until 11? If he's actually working all those hours, it's a terrible situation. Is he?

He is, paperwork is what keeps him out till all hours and the software needed is only in the business office, we don't have the internet coverage to install it at home. In fairness he did try to get it up and running at home so he would at least be in the house but it doesn't work.

bones123

iamwhoiam wrote: »

He is too proud to have childcare yet is not there for his baby himself ? This needs addressing and a long talk about his family and what you are feeling . A baby should not be carted around at 11 pm at night so he can work , that’s no life for a small baby
A baby needs to be tucked up in his cot in the evening and not in a car seat

I agree, I also hated the idea of the car seat being tied onto the tractor seat with ties. I didn't feel it was safe, so I stopped my activity to prevent this.

YellowLead

It sounds as like the only reasonable option here is some sort of childcare arrangement rather than asking him to pitch in more.

Have you explained how tired you are and that this isn’t good for your pregnancy or you or your existing baby? His view that a stranger shouldn’t be looking after his child is very old fashioned - what does he expect will happen when you go back to work? Have you had this conversation at all? Or does he expect you to give up your job?

iamwhoiam

bones123 wrote: »

I agree, I also hated the idea of the car seat being tied onto the tractor seat with ties. I didn't feel it was safe, so I stopped my activity to prevent this.

O my god . I am shocked that any father would do this with his own baby .
I think you need to write all this down and have a good long chat about his priorities

Smee_Again

bones123 wrote: »

I agree, I also hated the idea of the car seat being tied onto the tractor seat with ties. I didn't feel it was safe, so I stopped my activity to prevent this.

You’ve got bigger problems than just the childcare.

jay1988

bones123 wrote: »

I agree, I also hated the idea of the car seat being tied onto the tractor seat with ties. I didn't feel it was safe, so I stopped my activity to prevent this.

Surely this wasn't actually discussed as a serious option?

jlm29

I could have written a lot of parts of your post, my husband works awfully long hours too, and I’m home alone with the kids a good bit.
I’m struggling to understand who would be minding your child if you were at work? Would your husband be too proud to have childcare if you were in work?
I have found the best solutions for my mental health, and for the sake of my marriage to be a) regular childcare even when on mat leave (not daily, but at least 1-2 days) b) a cleaner every week for a couple of hours c) the odd day when back at work to take a days holidays and ship the kids off to the minder so I can catch up on life and d) taking a couple of baskets of washing to the launderette every couple of weeks in winter to keep on top of that. Your husband doesn’t have the right to be too proud to ask for help if he hasn’t got time to do his share. It’s as simple as that IMO. And if those things are too expensive to pay for when he’s working those kind of hours, then he’s wasting his time at work and something has to give.
Also, if family offer help. Take it.
Finally, I will say, its a hard couple of years but when your kids get older it’s definitely easier and it’s nice for them to be able to be involved on the farm.

Idle Passerby

He tied the car seat into a tractor and drove around with a child in that til all hours at night?! That's absolutely insane. Not a chance in hell would I take this person's opinions on childcare into account.

You need help OP, he clearly can't be bothered. It doesn't sound like you are struggling financially and he only bought the farm as a hobby after you married. He's not interested in having a family I'm afraid. I wouldn't be surprised if the hobby farm is an escape from you and the baby. Get help, his opinion on it doesn't matter since he's not prepared to help himself.

lisasimpson

osarusan wrote: »

I know in the summer some farmers/agricultural contractors can be incredibly busy with turf, silage and the likes, and as a self-employed person, any job turned down hits you directly in the pocket.

But in winter, when it's dark from 5pm, what is he actually doing until 11? If he's actually working all those hours, it's a terrible situation. Is he?

100% agree with this grew up on a farm and its still.in the family. Absolutely no need for those hours. Fair enough for a few months during calving season or the few days when silage is going on but not 12 months for the year. Forget about family life its not right for his own health and safety thats how serious farm accidents happen. He needs to sit down and have a serious think of what he is doing. Also plenty od students in rural ireland would be gald of some cash for a few hours work. Or get in the farm relief for a few hours or the odd day here and there so he can spend quality time with you and the family. Farm is not the place for young kids like that either.

Ann84

bones123 wrote: »

he is also very proud and doesn't want someone else minding our baby.

Sorry but this is too much - he sounds like a total control freak.
Refuses to mind his kids and then thinks he has a say on who does? Nope - just nope. Put the kids in crèche for a few hours a day/ week and get yourself some personal time.
Also - he is absolutely responsible for helping around the house - if he doesn’t want to do that, he can pay for a cleaner to come in.
Being a mother doesn’t mean you are a full time slave either.

The Mighty Quinn

Idle Passerby wrote: »

I wouldn't be surprised if the hobby farm is an escape from you and the baby

Sounding a little like that isn't it.
We all have interests. This hobby shouldn't be keeping him from his young family. They'll never know their father if he's never around. When does it stop?

Does he see you taking up all hours of the day and night with any of your hobbies? No.

The_Honeybadger

My sister in law is in the same situation. I grew up on a busy farm and ran a mile from it as soon as I could. My brother inherited it, loves the life, but he has kids with my sister in law that he never sees, hardly knows them, it’s completely ridiculous in this day and age and I can see my sister in law is worn out from it. She does absolutely everything, all the school runs, all the lunches, activities etc. She has lost touch with any friends she had, has gained weight, is continually complaining that she never sees him and just looks so miserable.

That said, 8-11 is utterly crazy and not sustainable. I seriously doubt it’s that way year round? In the spring and summer it can be, but there are down times as well on most farms.

I don’t really have any advice for you OP except to sit your husband down, make it very clear how exhausted and unhappy you are and that something has to change. If he can’t do that then know that things are going to get worse, not better. I dont know how far you are willing to go but don’t make ultimatums unless you intend to follow through on them.

Edit: was responding to the original post above and am only now seeing the additional posts about the hobby farm, being too proud to pay a childminder and attaching the child seat to the tractor with ropes. That is completely bonkers and sounds downright dangerous.

The hobby farm has to go, lease it, sell it, whatever. He doesn’t have the time, end of. Get a childminder or au pair to take the pressure off you, and get a cleaner in for an afternoon. If he doesn’t like it let him do it himself.