Husband is no help with baby

Big Bag of Chips

TheodoreT, you have received multiple warnings in this forum about how you impart 'advice'. Telling an already distressed poster "you've nobody to blame but yourself" is not constructive advice.

Please adjust your posting style or a ban from the forum will be the next step.

kerryjack

It is just the way he was brought up and probably spoiled be his own mum. I see it myself here I have 3 sons and they are treated like 3 prize bulls by herself, everything is done for them, cooking, cleaning shoffered about the place, madness to me and no respect for it. There still is a few lads like the OPs husband, that moved from mommy to his new wife and expected the same treatment, never lived on there own or house shared, never traveled. The kids will get bigger and easier and you could join him in his hobby farming, for now I would get some young one in that's just Finnished school to give you hand give her some money book a house somewhere for a week with some friend or family member, don't bring him don't invite him let him simmer there for the week with out ye he might cop on a bit.

Wanderer78

kerryjack wrote:

It is just the way he was brought up and probably spoiled be his own mum. I see it myself here I have 3 sons and they are treated like 3 prize bulls by herself, everything is done for them, cooking, cleaning shoffered about the place, madness to me and no respect for it. There still is a few lads like the OPs husband, that moved from mommy to his new wife and expected the same treatment, never lived on there own or house shared, never traveled. The kids will get bigger and easier and you could join him in his hobby farming, for now I would get some young one in that's just Finnished school to give you hand give her some money book a house somewhere for a week with some friend or family member, don't bring him don't invite him let him simmer there for the week with out ye he might cop on a bit.

Or both could decide to be adults, and sit down to discuss the matter, and come up with a workable plan to resolve the issue......

kerryjack

Wanderer78 wrote: »

Or both could decide to be adults, and sit down to discuss the matter, and come up with a workable plan to resolve the issue......

Wouldn't it be great but can't see him changing, he is probably in too deep in to the whole farming thing and unless your a farmer yourself you wouldn't under stand, there is always something to be done and some people just can't walk away and leave stuff for tomorrow, my own father was like that he wasn't a happy man sitting in the house always out doing something on his little small farm but he was content. Its possible that OP husband is unaware of the situation and thinks he is playing a blinder working away and proving for his family.

Wanderer78

kerryjack wrote: »

Wouldn't it be great but can't see him changing, he is probably in too deep in to the whole farming thing and unless your a farmer yourself you wouldn't under stand, there is always something to be done and some people just can't walk away and leave stuff for tomorrow, my own father was like that he wasn't a happy man sitting in the house always out doing something on his little small farm but he was content. Its possible that OP husband is unaware of the situation and thinks he is playing a blinder working away and proving for his family.

oh im sure farming is not easy at all, long hours have always been the way, but if a couple truly want their marriage to last, women no longer put up with this kinna sh1t, and rightfully so....

i do suspect you could be right though, i suspect this chap may not be aware at all of his wifes unhappiness, and actually thinks hes playing a blinder alright, so a frank discussion is need asap

zapper55

In her first post she said that she's begged him to change. He knows there's a problem he's choosing to ignore it.

OP if you are still reading, I hope the responses have made you realise that your demands are very reasonable, and you are holding an incredible burden at the moment. I also hope you confide in someone about this.

osarusan

zapper55 wrote: »

In her first post she said that she's begged him to change. He knows there's a problem he's choosing to ignore it.

This is a key point for me. There are people working all hours but they have no choice and would only love to be able to spend more time at home.



The OP and him have talked about this, and he said he'd make changes, but hasn't done so.


He's out of the house all day, with a chunk of that time spent on a 'hobby farm', and he knows the OP is absolutely fed up with it, but he won't alter his own lifestyle.

chattering

OP, you have got plenty of advice - can you implement it?
If your partner is unavailable to help the household, then you must "buy in" the services you need, also availing of any offers of help from family/friends. Your partner is not putting you first, but is putting his own wishes for his lifestyle first, so if you are happy to make the best of things then simply book and pay for the help you need, and accept that your partner will continue his chosen lifestyle.
If you want to confront your partner hoping that he will change, go ahead and do that, but dont expect him to change without his genuinely wanting to change. The first step in your partner committing to change would be his deciding to sell the hobby farm.
I suggest you go ahead and make the arrangements you need around the house. If your partner complains say " I needed X to be done and you were not around to discuss it". I wish you all the best.

Big Bag of Chips

How would you feel about getting an au pair in to help you around the house and with the children? You say he doesn't want anyone else minding your dsughter. That's fine for him to say when he's not the one doing all the actual work.

If I were you I would tell him that you are considering gettimg somebody in to the house to help out (in the old days, that he seems to be stuck in, young local girls would often be sent to live and work with neighbours to help out. I'm not suggesting you go looking for a local 12/13 year old to move in as home help, but you know what I'm saying!!). He will probably disagree strongly to the suggestion, so you tell him he has 2 weeks, from today to sort himself out or you will be going ahead with getting someone in.

And give him 2 weeks. If significant changes haven't happened in that time, go ahead and look for an au pair.

Nobody NEEDS to be out of the house for that long. Some people however WANT to be. And there's a huge difference. He doesn't want to be at home with you and the baby (babies). If he did, he would be.

Edit: by the way, i don't mean give him 2 more weeks of carrying on like this and then he has to stop, I mean give him two weeks to prove to you that he will be home more often - that means starting from tomorrow he is home more often. He has made promises and never followed through. Time for him NOW to start following through. If after 2 weeks nothing much has changed, take matters into your own hands.

AckwelFoley

Your husband is a being a prick but probably isn't aware of it.

I'm quite like your husband but I'm aware of it and do try.

As my wife said, "I'd love to be able to go to work for a break"

Raising kid is tough, especially solo, his 15 hours per day isn't an ly more valuable to the family than you time with the kids. He needs to know that.

Bobtheman

You need childcare that's obvious. Especially with a second kid on the way.

Are you happy otherwise? It just seems you don't spend much time together?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117411114#Comment_117411114

In the old days, men like the OP's husband would regularly get the girl sent to help out "in trouble", at least they did in my part of Ireland. I'd caution against any live-in help in a relationship where communication is so ineffective.

qwerty13

Ah Harvey, while I agree that the OP’s husband has incredibly old fashioned views, and that he is treating their family unit as second best, it’s a bit of a leap to suggest that he’d just hop on a young female employed to help out. I don’t think that’s a fair comment, or helpful to the OP.

ElizaBennett

I do agree with HarveyHunt that having a stranger in the home where the relationship is alreaday severely challenged would not be a good move. Most people would struggle with a third adult living with them, unless the house was a mansion with a completely separate space for the live-in worker. Anyway, I'm fairly sure that the concept of au pair no longer exists now that child care workers have to be paid the minimum wage at least and they're no longer an option as skivvies to be used and abused by unscrupulous people who don't want to pay a fair salary to someone minding their children.

But I do think there is a strong case here for throwing some money at the problem. If you have your own job and wages, OP, presumably going into your own account, why not pay for a cleaner and some creche or minder hours to help keep you sane. It woudl be a start at least and a bit of a wake-up call for himself.

Big Bag of Chips

It's 2 months since the thread was started. The OP hasn't been back fr quite a while. To save the thread turning into a discussion that the OP is no longer part of I'll lock the thread.

OP, if at any time you would like to reopen it for further advice please contact me or any of the PI Moderators.