Article: "Having a kid is probably my biggest life regret: ‘Wife concurs’"

04-06-2021 10:04am

JimmyVik wrote: »

What ????
Cop on to yourself there.
Nobody is patronising or having a go at you.
Have kids if you want them. Dont if you dont want them.
But there is no need to attack people who have the opposite experience as yourself.

This is a child free by choice forum.
Do you think posters need to be told how wonderful having kids is? We know, we get it, we still don't want them.
Your post is patronising considering where you are posting.

seamus · 04-06-2021 10:08am

There is a common thread running through that article. Every person they quote, didn't have kids because they wanted them. They self-admittedly didn't really do their research into it at all, just went with the crowd or they did it to make someone else happy even though they knew they didn't want it, or they did it because they felt pressured to do it.

It points to the need for anyone thinking of having kids to really understand the commitment that they're making, and not walk blindly into it.

Some people complain that nobody tells you what it's like, but that's just not the case, as an earlier post mentions. There is no end of in-depth discussion about it. The main problem is that reading about it doesn't really do it justice. Until you're elbow-deep in it you don't really understand how bad (and good) it actually can be.

For those who do regret it, they need to speak to a therapist. Not because they're crazy. But regretting a decision which is done and irreversible, is pissing in the wind. It's self-flagellation. Life has been changed permanently. You need to learn to accept the new circumstances, or make more changes that make it bearable for you. Walk away, leave, move to another country if you have to. An absent parent is better than a resentful parent.

Or learn to move past your regret and accept your circumstances. But wallowing in your regret and not talking about it with a professional is a sure path to a miserable life for you and your family.

04-06-2021 10:44am

JimmyVik wrote: »

Jesus there is a lot of animosity towards anyone who states that they might be happy to have kids in this thread.

Might be happy to have kids?

If you said 'my life is better', that makes sense, that's comparing your own personal experience, past vs. present. No argument from me.

Saying it's a better life in general (which is what you did) compares every person without kids to every parent. That's a very different statement, and given the forum title you've gotta know what kind of reaction to expect.

I actually love kids, but I know I wouldn't be able for my own. My mother minded a lot of kids in our house when I was growing up so I've done plenty of minding myself. I'm not talking babysitting; I've taken care of sick kids, changed countless nappies, managed tantrums, teething, and the good stuff, and I know I couldn't hack that 24/7.

This continuous message I get from friends and colleagues that:
a) having kids changes you and makes you a better person, and I've no idea how fulfilling it is;
b) having kids is the hardest thing in the world and I have no idea how difficult it is and that nothing could ever possibly prepare me; and
c) when I get older (I'm 30) I'll change my mind, and if not, sure accidents happen;

drives me nuts. There's no way to win, no way to get respect, except to just have kids.

So yeah, I stand by my reaction to hearing about 'a better life'.

LillySV · 04-06-2021 10:58am

Himnydownunder wrote: »

Governments need babies to be born, so that they have a tax paying workforce to pay for pensioners and civil servants. That is a big source of the societal pressure to have a child. Also regarding others putting pressure on you to have a child, people will always pester you about something. When you are in your late teens it’s “what college course are you interested in?” When you finish said college course it’s “have you got a job with your degree yet?” Then it’s “where are you working?” Add in “are you seeing anybody?” When you are seeing somebody “when are ye getting married?” And so on and so forth till you die.

Are u in baby infants yourself ? If your mammy and daddy didn’t have kids , u wouldn’t be here right now... I don’t think pensioners or civil servants would be impacted too much ... u on the other hand would not be here filling boards with such fantastic commentary ... and if every other parent at time had decided not to have kids... we wouldn’t be here either ... so eventually all living humans will die... extinction will occur... human race over ... I think this reason is why humans naturally want to reproduce ...

And tbh the reason why a lot of people in recent years might not want kids is quite simple .... .. lots of manchilds and womanchilds... total focus on themselves and don’t want to be told/ have to factor the needs of anyone else in their lives ... they are happy to be able to carry on playing the PlayStation until all hours of the nite like they did 20 years ago when they were 10... and get to go out and drink shots and get messy in the public park at weekend ... no worries someone else will clean that mess up for them too ...after all they are more important it seems...

meeeeh · 04-06-2021 11:05am

LillySV wrote: »

Are u in baby infants yourself ? If your mammy and daddy didn’t have kids , u wouldn’t be here right now... I don’t think pensioners or civil servants would be impacted too much ... u on the other hand would not be here filling boards with such fantastic commentary ... and if every other parent at time had decided not to have kids... we wouldn’t be here either ... so eventually all living humans will die... extinction will occur... human race over ... I think this reason is why humans naturally want to reproduce ...

And tbh the reason why a lot of people in recent years might not want kids is quite simple .... .. lots of manchilds and womanchilds... total focus on themselves and don’t want to be told/ have to factor the needs of anyone else in their lives ... they are happy to be able to carry on playing the PlayStation until all hours of the nite like they did 20 years ago when they were 10... and get to go out and drink shots and get messy in the public park at weekend ... no worries someone else will clean that mess up for them too ...after all they are more important it seems...

Igotadose and you should get your own thread to cover any generalisation you can think of.

04-06-2021 11:19am

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

It isn't about comparing the two, it's about going on to a specific forum and saying your life is better with kids.

What would happen if I went on to the parenting forum and started talking about how great my life without kids is, all the things i can do and how now that people have kids they just can't understand because they are trapped. It is just rude!

I actually am laughing way too hard imagining how this would go down. It would be a disaster zone.

Thelonious Monk · 04-06-2021 11:45am

LillySV wrote: »

And tbh the reason why a lot of people in recent years might not want kids is quite simple .... .. lots of manchilds and womanchilds... total focus on themselves and don’t want to be told/ have to factor the needs of anyone else in their lives ... they are happy to be able to carry on playing the PlayStation until all hours of the nite like they did 20 years ago when they were 10... and get to go out and drink shots and get messy in the public park at weekend ... no worries someone else will clean that mess up for them too ...after all they are more important it seems...

Ah here.
I think the reason a lot of people have kids is because they are so uncomfortable in their own skin and their own existence, and unhappy in their lives and relationships, and never found anything that makes them happy to be alive, and that they feel incomplete.
So they have a child which gives them purpose and a reason to live and something to love unconditionally. It papers over their insecurities for a while.
I kind of view it as sometimes being a bit of a cop out to self-actualisation and I think I should be entitled to that view in a child free forum.

04-06-2021 11:52am

meeeeh wrote: »

That's not true. Whatever issues childfree people have one of the favourite sports in the country is kick the single mother (historically even lock away the single mother). ....................

We've moved away from that now, single mothers get forever homes, financial security etc that allows many of them to lavish presents like scramblers on their kids.

04-06-2021 11:55am

Augeo wrote: »

We've moved away from that now, single mothers get forever homes, financial security etc that allows many of them to lavish presents like scramblers on their kids.

Just a different way to kick single mothers now........

The_Conductor · 04-06-2021 11:57am

Guys- less of the all-encompassing generalisations please- lots of people don't fit the stereotypes that some people seem to have in their minds, and don't appreciate being pigeon holed as such.

The article raises a few valid points, but also paints a picture that some people will recognise, but other people not.

Life isn't a fairy tale for most people- some good things happen, some crap things happen.
In the case discussed in the article- the person I feel sorry for, is not 'James' the person being interviewed (or his estranged ex) - its the little kid.

Having children- or not having children- is a valid decision. However, if you decide to have children, despite not wanting them- you do not get to take it out on the kid- the kid is the innocent one in all of this. I do not feel any sympathy for the guy being interviewed.

04-06-2021 12:15pm

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

It's not surprising that the entitled self obsessed child adults today don't like the responsibility and self sacrifice of children.

Some people are just not emotionally equiped

Not being emotionally equipped is another reason people choose to be childfree. It takes maturity to recognise your own short comings. Having a child because everyone says you should while knowing inside yourself that this is not what you want, I just don't see how anyone can equate that with emotional maturity? It won't just be the parent that suffers.

Thelonious Monk · 04-06-2021 12:19pm

So it's only emotionally equipped people who are having children and not every kind of f*ck up on the planet, that's hilarious

The_Conductor · 04-06-2021 12:27pm

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

So it's only emotionally equipped people who are having children and not every kind of f*ck up on the planet, that's hilarious

Not at all.
All sorts of people have children- or not, as the case may be.
When someone has children but is not sufficiently emotionally mature- the kid suffers- which isn't fair on the kid.

Its not an ideal world- and all sorts of crap situations happen.
All bystanders can do in situations like this- is their best for the innocent party in all of this.

Having a kid is not like waving a magic wand- it doesn't change how people are, how they behave or whether they are self-obsessed or suddenly altruistic towards the world at will. Lots of parents are appalling parents- and lots of people who don't have children- psychologically, would give children an excellent upbringing.

We are all dealt random hands of cards- sure, some people get to game the system, others don't.

Life is not a wonderful smorgasbord where you get to pick and choose- and when you do get to pick and choose, often you end up with something you least expect.

A measure of how mature we are- is a measure of how resilient we are to dealing with random situations that get thrown at us. It doesn't mean you have to thrive on mayhem- it means you have to learn how to pick yourself up and move on.

Addle · 04-06-2021 12:29pm

Maybe having kids is a thing it’s better to regret not doing, than regret doing.

Thelonious Monk · 04-06-2021 12:30pm

I was just responding to someone saying childfree people are not emotionally equipped to have children, but not being emotionally equipped doesn't seem to stop many others. I've known some right nutters that have had children.

04-06-2021 12:42pm

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

I was just responding to someone saying childfree people are not emotionally equipped to have children, but not being emotionally equipped doesn't seem to stop many others. I've known some right nutters that have had children.

You should probably read my post again, clearly this time.

Thelonious Monk · 04-06-2021 12:51pm

Deleted User wrote: »

You should probably read my post again, clearly this time.

I wasn't responding to you or your post

04-06-2021 12:55pm

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

I wasn't responding to you or your post

My bad, yes your post makes more sense now it's in context.

notsoyoungwan · 04-06-2021 2:51pm

Isn’t it sad that in a forum called “Childfree by choice”, those of us who the very forum was created for, are not spared the same old, tired cliches and generalisations that we get in real life. I’d love to know what motivates someone to come on to a forum that’s clearly not relevant to them and try to convince the users of the fallacy of their views. I mean, I wouldn’t go onto the parenting forum and talk about how wonderful I feel my childfree life is. I wouldn’t go onto the tattoo forum and voice my opinion that tattoos are manky and repulsive, that I’ve never seen a tattoo I liked, that they get worse looking as they age, that people regret them later in life and that my clear un-inked skin is the better option. It wouldn’t cross my mind to do so. But any time I’ve ever been on a discussion about being childfree, there is inevitably a cohort of parents who can’t resist pontificating at us. It’s bizarre really and makes me wonder if it’s a case of protesting too much?

Igotadose · 04-06-2021 3:05pm

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

Isn’t it sad that in a forum called “Childfree by choice”, those of us who the very forum was created for, are not spared the same old, tired cliches and generalisations that we get in real life. I’d love to know what motivates someone to come on to a forum that’s clearly not relevant to them and try to convince the users of the fallacy of their views. I mean, I wouldn’t go onto the parenting forum and talk about how wonderful I feel my childfree life is. I wouldn’t go onto the tattoo forum and voice my opinion that tattoos are manky and repulsive, that I’ve never seen a tattoo I liked, that they get worse looking as they age, that people regret them later in life and that my clear un-inked skin is the better option. It wouldn’t cross my mind to do so. But any time I’ve ever been on a discussion about being childfree, there is inevitably a cohort of parents who can’t resist pontificating at us. It’s bizarre really and makes me wonder if it’s a case of protesting too much?

FWIW I have been on reddit.com/r/childfree, which moderates very tightly and is very supportive of the childfree. Here, anyone can 'seagull' unfortunately, the mod does ask for good behavior, but it's voluntary. If you're looking for a good source of supportive discussion on living child free I'd recommend the reddit. If you live in the US, it is an excellent source of information on doctors that perform sterilizations, for example.

04-06-2021 3:17pm

I think a lot of posters here see the thread on their homepage and start reading and replying whilst being unaware of which forum they're in.

meeeeh · 04-06-2021 3:18pm

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

Isn’t it sad that in a forum called “Childfree by choice”, those of us who the very forum was created for, are not spared the same old, tired cliches and generalisations that we get in real life. I’d love to know what motivates someone to come on to a forum that’s clearly not relevant to them and try to convince the users of the fallacy of their views. I mean, I wouldn’t go onto the parenting forum and talk about how wonderful I feel my childfree life is. I wouldn’t go onto the tattoo forum and voice my opinion that tattoos are manky and repulsive, that I’ve never seen a tattoo I liked, that they get worse looking as they age, that people regret them later in life and that my clear un-inked skin is the better option. It wouldn’t cross my mind to do so. But any time I’ve ever been on a discussion about being childfree, there is inevitably a cohort of parents who can’t resist pontificating at us. It’s bizarre really and makes me wonder if it’s a case of protesting too much?

Just to point out that I was replying to thread that was about how parents feel about their kids and how many regret them. That's not discussion about being childfree but exactly the opposite. In case of myself I never made any comments elsewhere in the forum and I wouldn't comment on this but I despise the attitude of: 'xyz destroyed my life and now I'm gong to wallow'.

You can't make assumptions about others and then demand safe space for yourself.

Edit: just to add as suggestion because I do accept this forum is primarily for people without kids, you might ask mods to make it only accessible by permission.

Flinty997 · 04-06-2021 3:20pm

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

...I’d love to know what motivates someone to come on to a forum that’s clearly not relevant to them...

Because unintentionally, its a click bait title that appears in the new posts list which is the default for landing page for many.
Many will click on it and not look at what forum it is in.
If we could hide forums that don't want outside opinions, from your new posts especially opinions that that disagree it would fix this issue.
With the new release the forums, they are unlikely to add it as a feature. Considering many features of this forum are broken and never get fixed.

I would hide after hours for example.

Flinty997 · 04-06-2021 3:33pm

Addle wrote: »

Maybe having kids is a thing it’s better to regret not doing, than regret doing.

Unfortunately (if you are unsure) (if you are sure you don't want it, you'd know not to try it) you don't know how its going to work out until after you've tried it.
Nature has a way of throwing unexpected curve balls in life, and especially with kids. But with other things as well.

R.D. aka MR.D · 04-06-2021 4:32pm

Addle wrote: »

Maybe having kids is a thing it’s better to regret not doing, than regret doing.

This is honestly how I view it. Weirdly, in almost every other aspect of my life, I adopt the approach that it is better to regret something you have done than you haven't. Kids are the one exception. For me, every stupid decision I've ever made has been my own making, I have been in the drivers seat. My choices have impacted me and me alone so I get to be carefree in terms of regret, it is my own to deal with. But I cannot imagine imposing my will on another person, making decisions on their behalf, knowing that childhoods shape people therefore any regret would not only be my own but i'd take on the further burden of having inflicted poor decisions on a human being who had no other choice.

I'm usually a 'give it a go' person but the immense importance of bringing another human being is so irreversible that it is one of the only things I wouldn't even try.

It is one of the reasons I hate some of the hate you see for parents, people who take that role on willingly and put every effort into it are very brave people. Not everyone does and there are a lot of haphazard parents out there but when you come across those giving it their all, it is impressive.

Himnydownunder · 04-06-2021 7:13pm

LillySV wrote: »

Are u in baby infants yourself ? If your mammy and daddy didn’t have kids , u wouldn’t be here right now... I don’t think pensioners or civil servants would be impacted too much ... u on the other hand would not be here filling boards with such fantastic commentary ... and if every other parent at time had decided not to have kids... we wouldn’t be here either ... so eventually all living humans will die... extinction will occur... human race over ... I think this reason is why humans naturally want to reproduce ...

And tbh the reason why a lot of people in recent years might not want kids is quite simple .... .. lots of manchilds and womanchilds... total focus on themselves and don’t want to be told/ have to factor the needs of anyone else in their lives ... they are happy to be able to carry on playing the PlayStation until all hours of the nite like they did 20 years ago when they were 10... and get to go out and drink shots and get messy in the public park at weekend ... no worries someone else will clean that mess up for them too ...after all they are more important it seems...

Jesus the thread hit a nerve with you.

Himnydownunder · 04-06-2021 7:22pm

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

Isn’t it sad that in a forum called “Childfree by choice”, those of us who the very forum was created for, are not spared the same old, tired cliches and generalisations that we get in real life. I’d love to know what motivates someone to come on to a forum that’s clearly not relevant to them and try to convince the users of the fallacy of their views. I mean, I wouldn’t go onto the parenting forum and talk about how wonderful I feel my childfree life is. I wouldn’t go onto the tattoo forum and voice my opinion that tattoos are manky and repulsive, that I’ve never seen a tattoo I liked, that they get worse looking as they age, that people regret them later in life and that my clear un-inked skin is the better option. It wouldn’t cross my mind to do so. But any time I’ve ever been on a discussion about being childfree, there is inevitably a cohort of parents who can’t resist pontificating at us. It’s bizarre really and makes me wonder if it’s a case of protesting too much?

Amen. It’s crazy the vitriolic response that people receive here, if they even say anything that is even remotely against having children.

eviltwin · 04-06-2021 7:22pm

This is pathetic. Why can't people just respect one another and their choices. I have friends with children and those without. Somehow we manage to all get along without judgment of one another. We'd all agree their are pros and cons to all our lives, we all have our amazing times and we all have our down times. We all have moments where we wonder "what if" and times we are so glad we didn't go down a different route. No one's life is better or worse than anyone else's. Just different.

Flinty997 · 04-06-2021 7:27pm

Himnydownunder wrote: »

Jesus the thread hit a nerve with you.

It could have been said in less inflammatory way. But often in more affluent economies the population profile shifts to a lower birthrate. I think very few decide their family plans based on how best it serves the economy of the country.

In any case all of that has nothing to with this forum.

meeeeh · 04-06-2021 8:05pm

eviltwin wrote: »

This is pathetic. Why can't people just respect one another and their choices. I have friends with children and those without. Somehow we manage to all get along without judgment of one another. We'd all agree their are pros and cons to all our lives, we all have our amazing times and we all have our down times. We all have moments where we wonder "what if" and times we are so glad we didn't go down a different route. No one's life is better or worse than anyone else's. Just different.

Amen.

Anyway I think regret is part of life. Some

Bobtheman · 04-06-2021 8:09pm

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

One of the biggest problems from a male perspective of having kids is if you split up with your partner. It means you generally are on the hook for the remaining childhood years paying a mortgage for a house you can't live in and high child maintenance payments for more than you'd have to outlay if you were living together. While also having to pay rent for your own space.

Without kids involved, you could split assets fairly and move on. I have a lodger in this position and he basically has no money to have a life, loves his kids but only had them through an expensive IVF process to make his partner happy.

Men generally get screwed in this. If we had a proper housing system he would get his own place p.
Women can be like queen bees. They kill their mates after insemination

Bobtheman · 04-06-2021 8:13pm

Having a discussion about kids is pointless.
It's an urge to procreate. Sometimes it's sneaky and you get the unexpected pregnecy etc
The vast majority of people never regret having them.
They might regret marriage.
Unless you never learned biology stop whining.
Any fool knows its tremendously hard but can be rewarding.
In the end no kid asks to he born so if you made your bed - lie in it.
If you were naive to swallow just the positive **** then God help you.
DNA is selfish and just wants to replicate.
But jaysus whinging after the fact?
Our species any species has a massive desire to procreate even though we don't need the numbers.
Why is porn the number 1 thing on the Internet??
To swim against this urge takes balls!
There is no rational reason to have kids.
But lots of things in life ain't rational!

meeeeh · 04-06-2021 8:15pm

eviltwin wrote: »

This is pathetic. Why can't people just respect one another and their choices. I have friends with children and those without. Somehow we manage to all get along without judgment of one another. We'd all agree their are pros and cons to all our lives, we all have our amazing times and we all have our down times. We all have moments where we wonder "what if" and times we are so glad we didn't go down a different route. No one's life is better or worse than anyone else's. Just different.

Amen.

Anyway I think regret is part of life. Somebody might regret changing jobs however that doesn't mean they won't work hard in the new job. Regret by itself is part of life, the important bit is how you deal with it.

I'm actually bit ambivalent about kids, I love mine to bits and nothing terrifies me as much as a thought of losing them. However I think I could be happy not having kids too. I look at friends of mine who were trying for children and going through trauma of miscarriages and ivf before giving up. They feel the loss (for them) but they are not moping around complaining, they are making the best out of not having kids. You can do everything right and the life will surprise you in a good or bad way. It's on us to make best out of it.

I always thought regrets and what ifs were pointless unless you do something about them.

Bobtheman · 04-06-2021 8:24pm

The root of suffering is attachment.
Everyone wants more.
We think having x will bring joy.
The Chinese curse - may you get what you want!

Vaccinated30 · 04-06-2021 8:52pm

This came up in my home page so I clicked in. I am aware this is a forum for people who choose not yo have kids and I 100% respect and support anyones decision and would never try change anyones mind.
Its different but similar to myself, who has dealt with 'don't have kids live your life, oh have 1 more,don't have another, are you sure you can handle 3,definitely don't have 4th, are you sure your done now etc etc'. I absolutely hate these comments,its nobodies business who does and dosnt want to have kids except for the People involved in making and raising them. There are pros and cons to all choices. My pro is the absolute love and happiness I feel everyday, my con is I can't just drop everything and have a night in the cinema. My OH works nights and life is very different for us as a couple than it was 10 years ago. But we love each other more than ever.
For me personally , I would never regret having a child but I'd always regret if I didn't. I am a very maternal woman but I was an unwanted kid, well they wanted a son tbh. I definitely think there should be more open discussion about people who choose not to have kids and none of the unwanted and unneeded opinions.

shesty · 04-06-2021 9:31pm

I don't think it matters where you are in life, there are always people who ask you questions that are none of their business...when are you getting married?When are you having a baby?When are you giving it a sibling?Are you going for a third one, that's a big family?oh you have 2 boys, would you not go for the girl (or vice versa)...and so on.
Having kids or not doesn't give you a monopoly on being fed up with questions.Your decisions are your own and you don't owe anybody an explanation.But equally you aren't the only one being pestered with unfeeling remarks.
As my husband liked to say in response to comments about when we were having kids "and please, do tell me how things are going in your sex life?".
Tended to stop any conversation in its tracks.

04-06-2021 10:52pm

My reply to any family that start questioning me about when I'll be having kids is to reply "When you get a dog". None of my family like dogs bar me and my own mother. They gave up asking after a year.

notsoyoungwan · 05-06-2021 9:03am

Deleted User wrote: »

I think a lot of posters here see the thread on their homepage and start reading and replying whilst being unaware of which forum they're in.

Surely though, context is important and a bit of awareness wouldn’t go astray. To continue my tattoo forum analogy, if I saw a thread called “would you get a face tattoo?”, I’d possibly post if it was in AH, fashion & appearance or the ladies lounge. I wouldn’t post if it was in the tattoo forum. Read the room, etc!

eviltwin · 05-06-2021 10:01am

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

Surely though, context is important and a bit of awareness wouldn’t go astray. To continue my tattoo forum analogy, if I saw a thread called “would you get a face tattoo?”, I’d possibly post if it was in AH, fashion & appearance or the ladies lounge. I wouldn’t post if it was in the tattoo forum. Read the room, etc!

I think when you have posters who refer to parents as "nests of breeders" and other pejorative terms it - understandably - invites response. Just because the forum is aimed at childfree people doesn't mean its limited to those posters.

Tbh, threads like this will never end well so I don't know why people are surprised when parents post their experiences. Unless the only parents welcome here are the ones who can't stand their kids and wished they had never had them?

magicbastarder · 05-06-2021 10:09am

eviltwin wrote: »

Tbh, threads like this will never end well so I don't know why people are surprised when parents post their experiences. Unless the only parents welcome here are the ones who can't stand their kids and wished they had never had them?

though tbf, it's like a theoretical thread (again in the tattoo forum) 'tell us about a tattoo you really regret' being posted in by people declaiming 'i've loads of tattoos and i've never regretted a single one'.
to which the other posters might respond 'well, yes, that's great for you but that's ignoring what the thread is about'.

eviltwin · 05-06-2021 10:15am

magicbastarder wrote: »

though tbf, it's like a theoretical thread (again in the tattoo forum) 'tell us about a tattoo you really regret' being posted in by people declaiming 'i've loads of tattoos and i've never regretted a single one'.
to which the other posters might respond 'well, yes, that's great for you but that's ignoring what the thread is about'.

A regret thread in the tattoo forum would make sense because its full of people with tattoos. But this is the child free forum so why would a parent who regrets their child post here in the first place?

I'd see more of a use of it in the personal or parenting forums rather than here. Why post a cautionary tale to people who never intend to have kids in the first place, surely it makes more sense to post in a thread where people might stop and think about why they are trying to have a baby.

Look I get that people shouldn't spam the forum with their amazing experiences of parenthood, that's not what this forum is for. But I don't think it should be a surprise either to expect some backlash when crass generalisations are put out there. You can talk about your lifestyle without running down people who choose a different one. Seems like everyone here has already made up their minds anyway so an article about having kids is moot imo.

I think the comment about nest of breeders just got my ire...I work with parents and I see them as my colleagues rather than people with kids.

magicbastarder · 05-06-2021 10:29am

oh, i'd agree with you that some of the language has been unhelpful/idiotic.

Faith · 05-06-2021 11:19am

eviltwin wrote: »

I think the comment about nest of breeders just got my ire...I work with parents and I see them as my colleagues rather than people with kids.

I totally agree that language like "breeders" is derogatory and toxic. I've reported it for mod attention and I'm a bit surprised that nothing has been done about it. When I suggested this forum, it was discussed in that thread at length that toxic and hateful language about parents wouldn't be tolerated.

eviltwin wrote: »

A regret thread in the tattoo forum would make sense because its full of people with tattoos. But this is the child free forum so why would a parent who regrets their child post here in the first place? I'd see more of a use of it in the personal or parenting forums rather than here. Why post a cautionary tale to people who never intend to have kids in the first place, surely it makes more sense to post in a thread where people might stop and think about why they are trying to have a baby.

I do understand your point, and I hesitated before posting the article here. The reason I did so was mostly because I suspect this forum would attract a (possibly silent) audience of people who are ambivalent or unsure about having kids and this article provides some food for thought if you're in that group. I think an article about parental regret is a touchy subject for many, and I didn't think it was appropriate to post it in the Parenting forum because it would look like trolling. At least by posting it here it wouldn't be as touchy and potentially hurtful as it might be posting it in other forums, but it's also providing an opportunity for a discussion around the topic without riling up the core group of posters that the forum is aimed at.

05-06-2021 11:36am

It's a tad naive/idealistic to expect an anonymous internet forum to ' I suspect this forum would attract a (possibly silent) audience of people who are ambivalent or unsure about having kids' IMO.

eviltwin · 05-06-2021 11:52am

Faith wrote: »

I totally agree that language like "breeders" is derogatory and toxic. I've reported it for mod attention and I'm a bit surprised that nothing has been done about it. When I suggested this forum, it was discussed in that thread at length that toxic and hateful language about parents wouldn't be tolerated.

I do understand your point, and I hesitated before posting the article here. The reason I did so was mostly because I suspect this forum would attract a (possibly silent) audience of people who are ambivalent or unsure about having kids and this article provides some food for thought if you're in that group. I think an article about parental regret is a touchy subject for many, and I didn't think it was appropriate to post it in the Parenting forum because it would look like trolling. At least by posting it here it wouldn't be as touchy and potentially hurtful as it might be posting it in other forums, but it's also providing an opportunity for a discussion around the topic without riling up the core group of posters that the forum is aimed at.

To be honest Faith I think no matter where you put it it's going to ruffle feathers. Having a kid is a completely unique experience, it can't be compared to anything else. Its not like having a dog or a tattoo or babysitting for a mate, you can't replicate the experience ahead of time and if it turns out to be a mistake you can't undo it.

People can only post about their own experience, is it helpful though? I mean you can't judge how you will feel about having a child based on someone else's experience of it. So I'm just not sure how helpful those kinds of articles are unless its to show people feeling the same that they aren't freaks for feeling how they do and not alone.

Faith · 05-06-2021 12:48pm

eviltwin wrote: »

People can only post about their own experience, is it helpful though? I mean you can't judge how you will feel about having a child based on someone else's experience of it. So I'm just not sure how helpful those kinds of articles are unless its to show people feeling the same that they aren't freaks for feeling how they do and not alone.

I personally do think it’s helpful, yeah, when it’s phrased as “my experience is…”. I really enjoy hearing about personal experiences from all sides, even if it’s not a topic I’m going to change my mind on.

(What I don’t like, and I’d wager most of us are the same, is being told my experience is wrong by someone else, or being lectured to by someone convinced they are right and I am wrong regarding a personal choice.)

05-06-2021 1:22pm

Does anyone have a problem with parents coming in and posting about their positive experience? I certainly don't. There has been unhelpful labels thrown about by both sides. Is that not what has got so many heckles raised?

Igotadose · 05-06-2021 1:24pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Does anyone have a problem with parents coming in and posting about their positive experience? I certainly don't. There has been unhelpful labels thrown about by both sides. Is that not what has got so many heckles raised?

I would. Plenty of parenting threads and resources out there. I'd rather be able to discuss childfree issues without parents chiming in.

rainbowtrout · 05-06-2021 1:43pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Does anyone have a problem with parents coming in and posting about their positive experience? I certainly don't. There has been unhelpful labels thrown about by both sides. Is that not what has got so many heckles raised?

But what is the point of a Childfree by Choice forum if every thread is going to end up having parents posting going 'I have kids and I think they are great, no regrets'. They have a parenting forum for that. Let the people who don't want to have kids get on with discussing aspects of life that they experience without having kids.

People who don't have kids are more than aware that there are loads of parents who are happy with their decision to have kids. Having those parents posting that in various threads in the forum doesn't add to the discussion.

R.D. aka MR.D · 05-06-2021 1:45pm

eviltwin wrote: »

To be honest Faith I think no matter where you put it it's going to ruffle feathers. Having a kid is a completely unique experience, it can't be compared to anything else. Its not like having a dog or a tattoo or babysitting for a mate, you can't replicate the experience ahead of time and if it turns out to be a mistake you can't undo it.

People can only post about their own experience, is it helpful though? I mean you can't judge how you will feel about having a child based on someone else's experience of it. So I'm just not sure how helpful those kinds of articles are unless its to show people feeling the same that they aren't freaks for feeling how they do and not alone.

I think regret experiences are important because there is a narrative pushed that people don't regret kids and the minute you have them you will fall in love with them. It is a counterbalance to that.

In my early/mid 20s, I wasn't as confident in asserting my choice and feeling comfortable that there isn't in fact anything wrong with not wanting kids, these kind of articles helped with expressing myself when so many responses are 'oh but kids are the best, you'd be a great parent, you'll feel differently once you have them'.

Article: "Having a kid is probably my biggest life regret: ‘Wife concurs’"

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