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Article: "Having a kid is probably my biggest life regret: ‘Wife concurs’"

135

Comments

  • #62
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    Mr. Incognito wrote: »
    It's not surprising that the entitled self obsessed child adults today don't like the responsibility and self sacrifice of children.

    Some people are just not emotionally equiped

    Not being emotionally equipped is another reason people choose to be childfree. It takes maturity to recognise your own short comings. Having a child because everyone says you should while knowing inside yourself that this is not what you want, I just don't see how anyone can equate that with emotional maturity? It won't just be the parent that suffers.


  • #63
    Thelonious Monk
    Registered Users Posts: 13,702 ✭✭✭✭Thelonious Monk


    So it's only emotionally equipped people who are having children and not every kind of f*ck up on the planet, that's hilarious :D


  • #64
    The_Conductor
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 32,278 Mod ✭✭✭✭The_Conductor


    Thelonious Monk wrote: »
    So it's only emotionally equipped people who are having children and not every kind of f*ck up on the planet, that's hilarious :D

    Not at all.
    All sorts of people have children- or not, as the case may be.
    When someone has children but is not sufficiently emotionally mature- the kid suffers- which isn't fair on the kid.

    Its not an ideal world- and all sorts of crap situations happen.
    All bystanders can do in situations like this- is their best for the innocent party in all of this.

    Having a kid is not like waving a magic wand- it doesn't change how people are, how they behave or whether they are self-obsessed or suddenly altruistic towards the world at will. Lots of parents are appalling parents- and lots of people who don't have children- psychologically, would give children an excellent upbringing.

    We are all dealt random hands of cards- sure, some people get to game the system, others don't.

    Life is not a wonderful smorgasbord where you get to pick and choose- and when you do get to pick and choose, often you end up with something you least expect.

    A measure of how mature we are- is a measure of how resilient we are to dealing with random situations that get thrown at us. It doesn't mean you have to thrive on mayhem- it means you have to learn how to pick yourself up and move on.


  • #65
    Addle
    Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle


    Maybe having kids is a thing it’s better to regret not doing, than regret doing.


  • #66
    Thelonious Monk
    Registered Users Posts: 13,702 ✭✭✭✭Thelonious Monk


    I was just responding to someone saying childfree people are not emotionally equipped to have children, but not being emotionally equipped doesn't seem to stop many others. I've known some right nutters that have had children.


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  • #67
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    Thelonious Monk wrote: »
    I was just responding to someone saying childfree people are not emotionally equipped to have children, but not being emotionally equipped doesn't seem to stop many others. I've known some right nutters that have had children.

    You should probably read my post again, clearly this time.


  • #68
    Thelonious Monk
    Registered Users Posts: 13,702 ✭✭✭✭Thelonious Monk


    budgese wrote: »
    You should probably read my post again, clearly this time.

    I wasn't responding to you or your post


  • #69
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    Thelonious Monk wrote: »
    I wasn't responding to you or your post

    My bad, yes your post makes more sense now it's in context.


  • #70
    notsoyoungwan
    Registered Users Posts: 614 ✭✭✭notsoyoungwan


    Isn’t it sad that in a forum called “Childfree by choice”, those of us who the very forum was created for, are not spared the same old, tired cliches and generalisations that we get in real life. I’d love to know what motivates someone to come on to a forum that’s clearly not relevant to them and try to convince the users of the fallacy of their views. I mean, I wouldn’t go onto the parenting forum and talk about how wonderful I feel my childfree life is. I wouldn’t go onto the tattoo forum and voice my opinion that tattoos are manky and repulsive, that I’ve never seen a tattoo I liked, that they get worse looking as they age, that people regret them later in life and that my clear un-inked skin is the better option. It wouldn’t cross my mind to do so. But any time I’ve ever been on a discussion about being childfree, there is inevitably a cohort of parents who can’t resist pontificating at us. It’s bizarre really and makes me wonder if it’s a case of protesting too much?


  • #71
    Igotadose
    Registered Users Posts: 12,914 ✭✭✭✭Igotadose


    notsoyoungwan wrote: »
    Isn’t it sad that in a forum called “Childfree by choice”, those of us who the very forum was created for, are not spared the same old, tired cliches and generalisations that we get in real life. I’d love to know what motivates someone to come on to a forum that’s clearly not relevant to them and try to convince the users of the fallacy of their views. I mean, I wouldn’t go onto the parenting forum and talk about how wonderful I feel my childfree life is. I wouldn’t go onto the tattoo forum and voice my opinion that tattoos are manky and repulsive, that I’ve never seen a tattoo I liked, that they get worse looking as they age, that people regret them later in life and that my clear un-inked skin is the better option. It wouldn’t cross my mind to do so. But any time I’ve ever been on a discussion about being childfree, there is inevitably a cohort of parents who can’t resist pontificating at us. It’s bizarre really and makes me wonder if it’s a case of protesting too much?

    FWIW I have been on reddit.com/r/childfree, which moderates very tightly and is very supportive of the childfree. Here, anyone can 'seagull' unfortunately, the mod does ask for good behavior, but it's voluntary. If you're looking for a good source of supportive discussion on living child free I'd recommend the reddit. If you live in the US, it is an excellent source of information on doctors that perform sterilizations, for example.


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  • #72
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    I think a lot of posters here see the thread on their homepage and start reading and replying whilst being unaware of which forum they're in.


  • #73
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    notsoyoungwan wrote: »
    Isn’t it sad that in a forum called “Childfree by choice”, those of us who the very forum was created for, are not spared the same old, tired cliches and generalisations that we get in real life. I’d love to know what motivates someone to come on to a forum that’s clearly not relevant to them and try to convince the users of the fallacy of their views. I mean, I wouldn’t go onto the parenting forum and talk about how wonderful I feel my childfree life is. I wouldn’t go onto the tattoo forum and voice my opinion that tattoos are manky and repulsive, that I’ve never seen a tattoo I liked, that they get worse looking as they age, that people regret them later in life and that my clear un-inked skin is the better option. It wouldn’t cross my mind to do so. But any time I’ve ever been on a discussion about being childfree, there is inevitably a cohort of parents who can’t resist pontificating at us. It’s bizarre really and makes me wonder if it’s a case of protesting too much?

    Just to point out that I was replying to thread that was about how parents feel about their kids and how many regret them. That's not discussion about being childfree but exactly the opposite. In case of myself I never made any comments elsewhere in the forum and I wouldn't comment on this but I despise the attitude of: 'xyz destroyed my life and now I'm gong to wallow'.

    You can't make assumptions about others and then demand safe space for yourself.

    Edit: just to add as suggestion because I do accept this forum is primarily for people without kids, you might ask mods to make it only accessible by permission.


  • #74
    Flinty997
    Registered Users Posts: 11,436 ✭✭✭✭Flinty997


    notsoyoungwan wrote: »
    ...I’d love to know what motivates someone to come on to a forum that’s clearly not relevant to them...

    Because unintentionally, its a click bait title that appears in the new posts list which is the default for landing page for many.
    Many will click on it and not look at what forum it is in.
    If we could hide forums that don't want outside opinions, from your new posts especially opinions that that disagree it would fix this issue.
    With the new release the forums, they are unlikely to add it as a feature. Considering many features of this forum are broken and never get fixed.

    I would hide after hours for example.


  • #75
    Flinty997
    Registered Users Posts: 11,436 ✭✭✭✭Flinty997


    Addle wrote: »
    Maybe having kids is a thing it’s better to regret not doing, than regret doing.

    Unfortunately (if you are unsure) (if you are sure you don't want it, you'd know not to try it) you don't know how its going to work out until after you've tried it.
    Nature has a way of throwing unexpected curve balls in life, and especially with kids. But with other things as well.


  • #76
    R.D. aka MR.D
    Registered Users Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭R.D. aka MR.D


    Addle wrote: »
    Maybe having kids is a thing it’s better to regret not doing, than regret doing.

    This is honestly how I view it. Weirdly, in almost every other aspect of my life, I adopt the approach that it is better to regret something you have done than you haven't. Kids are the one exception. For me, every stupid decision I've ever made has been my own making, I have been in the drivers seat. My choices have impacted me and me alone so I get to be carefree in terms of regret, it is my own to deal with. But I cannot imagine imposing my will on another person, making decisions on their behalf, knowing that childhoods shape people therefore any regret would not only be my own but i'd take on the further burden of having inflicted poor decisions on a human being who had no other choice.

    I'm usually a 'give it a go' person but the immense importance of bringing another human being is so irreversible that it is one of the only things I wouldn't even try.

    It is one of the reasons I hate some of the hate you see for parents, people who take that role on willingly and put every effort into it are very brave people. Not everyone does and there are a lot of haphazard parents out there but when you come across those giving it their all, it is impressive.


  • #77
    Himnydownunder
    Closed Accounts Posts: 135 ✭✭Himnydownunder


    LillySV wrote: »
    Are u in baby infants yourself ? If your mammy and daddy didn’t have kids , u wouldn’t be here right now... I don’t think pensioners or civil servants would be impacted too much ... u on the other hand would not be here filling boards with such fantastic commentary ... and if every other parent at time had decided not to have kids... we wouldn’t be here either ... so eventually all living humans will die... extinction will occur... human race over ... I think this reason is why humans naturally want to reproduce ...

    And tbh the reason why a lot of people in recent years might not want kids is quite simple .... .. lots of manchilds and womanchilds... total focus on themselves and don’t want to be told/ have to factor the needs of anyone else in their lives ... they are happy to be able to carry on playing the PlayStation until all hours of the nite like they did 20 years ago when they were 10... and get to go out and drink shots and get messy in the public park at weekend ... no worries someone else will clean that mess up for them too ...after all they are more important it seems...

    Jesus the thread hit a nerve with you.


  • #78
    Himnydownunder
    Closed Accounts Posts: 135 ✭✭Himnydownunder


    notsoyoungwan wrote: »
    Isn’t it sad that in a forum called “Childfree by choice”, those of us who the very forum was created for, are not spared the same old, tired cliches and generalisations that we get in real life. I’d love to know what motivates someone to come on to a forum that’s clearly not relevant to them and try to convince the users of the fallacy of their views. I mean, I wouldn’t go onto the parenting forum and talk about how wonderful I feel my childfree life is. I wouldn’t go onto the tattoo forum and voice my opinion that tattoos are manky and repulsive, that I’ve never seen a tattoo I liked, that they get worse looking as they age, that people regret them later in life and that my clear un-inked skin is the better option. It wouldn’t cross my mind to do so. But any time I’ve ever been on a discussion about being childfree, there is inevitably a cohort of parents who can’t resist pontificating at us. It’s bizarre really and makes me wonder if it’s a case of protesting too much?

    Amen. It’s crazy the vitriolic response that people receive here, if they even say anything that is even remotely against having children.


  • #79
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    This is pathetic. Why can't people just respect one another and their choices. I have friends with children and those without. Somehow we manage to all get along without judgment of one another. We'd all agree their are pros and cons to all our lives, we all have our amazing times and we all have our down times. We all have moments where we wonder "what if" and times we are so glad we didn't go down a different route. No one's life is better or worse than anyone else's. Just different.


  • #80
    Flinty997
    Registered Users Posts: 11,436 ✭✭✭✭Flinty997


    Himnydownunder wrote: »
    Jesus the thread hit a nerve with you.

    It could have been said in less inflammatory way. But often in more affluent economies the population profile shifts to a lower birthrate. I think very few decide their family plans based on how best it serves the economy of the country.

    In any case all of that has nothing to with this forum.


  • #81
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    eviltwin wrote: »
    This is pathetic. Why can't people just respect one another and their choices. I have friends with children and those without. Somehow we manage to all get along without judgment of one another. We'd all agree their are pros and cons to all our lives, we all have our amazing times and we all have our down times. We all have moments where we wonder "what if" and times we are so glad we didn't go down a different route. No one's life is better or worse than anyone else's. Just different.


    Amen.

    Anyway I think regret is part of life. Some


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  • #82
    Bobtheman
    Registered Users Posts: 2,632 ✭✭✭Bobtheman


    jimmycrackcorm wrote: »
    One of the biggest problems from a male perspective of having kids is if you split up with your partner. It means you generally are on the hook for the remaining childhood years paying a mortgage for a house you can't live in and high child maintenance payments for more than you'd have to outlay if you were living together. While also having to pay rent for your own space.

    Without kids involved, you could split assets fairly and move on. I have a lodger in this position and he basically has no money to have a life, loves his kids but only had them through an expensive IVF process to make his partner happy.

    Men generally get screwed in this. If we had a proper housing system he would get his own place p.
    Women can be like queen bees. They kill their mates after insemination


  • #83
    Bobtheman
    Registered Users Posts: 2,632 ✭✭✭Bobtheman


    Having a discussion about kids is pointless.
    It's an urge to procreate. Sometimes it's sneaky and you get the unexpected pregnecy etc
    The vast majority of people never regret having them.
    They might regret marriage.
    Unless you never learned biology stop whining.
    Any fool knows its tremendously hard but can be rewarding.
    In the end no kid asks to he born so if you made your bed - lie in it.
    If you were naive to swallow just the positive **** then God help you.
    DNA is selfish and just wants to replicate.
    But jaysus whinging after the fact?
    Our species any species has a massive desire to procreate even though we don't need the numbers.
    Why is porn the number 1 thing on the Internet??
    To swim against this urge takes balls!
    There is no rational reason to have kids.
    But lots of things in life ain't rational!


  • #84
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    eviltwin wrote: »
    This is pathetic. Why can't people just respect one another and their choices. I have friends with children and those without. Somehow we manage to all get along without judgment of one another. We'd all agree their are pros and cons to all our lives, we all have our amazing times and we all have our down times. We all have moments where we wonder "what if" and times we are so glad we didn't go down a different route. No one's life is better or worse than anyone else's. Just different.

    Amen.

    Anyway I think regret is part of life. Somebody might regret changing jobs however that doesn't mean they won't work hard in the new job. Regret by itself is part of life, the important bit is how you deal with it.

    I'm actually bit ambivalent about kids, I love mine to bits and nothing terrifies me as much as a thought of losing them. However I think I could be happy not having kids too. I look at friends of mine who were trying for children and going through trauma of miscarriages and ivf before giving up. They feel the loss (for them) but they are not moping around complaining, they are making the best out of not having kids. You can do everything right and the life will surprise you in a good or bad way. It's on us to make best out of it.

    I always thought regrets and what ifs were pointless unless you do something about them.


  • #85
    Bobtheman
    Registered Users Posts: 2,632 ✭✭✭Bobtheman


    The root of suffering is attachment.
    Everyone wants more.
    We think having x will bring joy.
    The Chinese curse - may you get what you want!


  • #86
    Vaccinated30
    Registered Users Posts: 389 ✭✭Vaccinated30


    This came up in my home page so I clicked in. I am aware this is a forum for people who choose not yo have kids and I 100% respect and support anyones decision and would never try change anyones mind.
    Its different but similar to myself, who has dealt with 'don't have kids live your life, oh have 1 more,don't have another, are you sure you can handle 3,definitely don't have 4th, are you sure your done now etc etc'. I absolutely hate these comments,its nobodies business who does and dosnt want to have kids except for the People involved in making and raising them. There are pros and cons to all choices. My pro is the absolute love and happiness I feel everyday, my con is I can't just drop everything and have a night in the cinema. My OH works nights and life is very different for us as a couple than it was 10 years ago. But we love each other more than ever.
    For me personally , I would never regret having a child but I'd always regret if I didn't. I am a very maternal woman but I was an unwanted kid, well they wanted a son tbh. I definitely think there should be more open discussion about people who choose not to have kids and none of the unwanted and unneeded opinions.


  • #87
    shesty
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,891 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    I don't think it matters where you are in life, there are always people who ask you questions that are none of their business...when are you getting married?When are you having a baby?When are you giving it a sibling?Are you going for a third one, that's a big family?oh you have 2 boys, would you not go for the girl (or vice versa)...and so on.
    Having kids or not doesn't give you a monopoly on being fed up with questions.Your decisions are your own and you don't owe anybody an explanation.But equally you aren't the only one being pestered with unfeeling remarks.
    As my husband liked to say in response to comments about when we were having kids "and please, do tell me how things are going in your sex life?".
    Tended to stop any conversation in its tracks.


  • #88
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    My reply to any family that start questioning me about when I'll be having kids is to reply "When you get a dog". None of my family like dogs bar me and my own mother. They gave up asking after a year.


  • #89
    notsoyoungwan
    Registered Users Posts: 614 ✭✭✭notsoyoungwan


    budgese wrote: »
    I think a lot of posters here see the thread on their homepage and start reading and replying whilst being unaware of which forum they're in.

    Surely though, context is important and a bit of awareness wouldn’t go astray. To continue my tattoo forum analogy, if I saw a thread called “would you get a face tattoo?”, I’d possibly post if it was in AH, fashion & appearance or the ladies lounge. I wouldn’t post if it was in the tattoo forum. Read the room, etc!


  • #90
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    notsoyoungwan wrote: »
    Surely though, context is important and a bit of awareness wouldn’t go astray. To continue my tattoo forum analogy, if I saw a thread called “would you get a face tattoo?”, I’d possibly post if it was in AH, fashion & appearance or the ladies lounge. I wouldn’t post if it was in the tattoo forum. Read the room, etc!

    I think when you have posters who refer to parents as "nests of breeders" and other pejorative terms it - understandably - invites response. Just because the forum is aimed at childfree people doesn't mean its limited to those posters.

    Tbh, threads like this will never end well so I don't know why people are surprised when parents post their experiences. Unless the only parents welcome here are the ones who can't stand their kids and wished they had never had them?


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  • #91
    magicbastarder
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 48,234 CMod ✭✭✭✭magicbastarder


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Tbh, threads like this will never end well so I don't know why people are surprised when parents post their experiences. Unless the only parents welcome here are the ones who can't stand their kids and wished they had never had them?
    though tbf, it's like a theoretical thread (again in the tattoo forum) 'tell us about a tattoo you really regret' being posted in by people declaiming 'i've loads of tattoos and i've never regretted a single one'.
    to which the other posters might respond 'well, yes, that's great for you but that's ignoring what the thread is about'.


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