Article: "Having a kid is probably my biggest life regret: ‘Wife concurs’"

Articles like this are why open discussions of being childfree are important. Society does look to make you feel like you need to have kids so having an alternative point of view might help some people.

One point in the article that I wholeheartedly believe in is that there is almost an active cover-up of the realities of parenting.

I had a lot of friends had kids in secondary school, I can't imagine how terrified they were when certain things happened to them. I'm in my 30s and only recently learned of some of the physical aspects of pregnancy and childbirth. Girls need to be told at a young age, why hide the physical consequences? I get that it might be embarrassing to talk about incontinence, trauma, tearing etc etc but I really think it should be part if what girls are informed about at a young age.

And when it comes to raising kids, there are even more aspects I've learned from friends I'd absolutely no clue about. Like apparently you shouldn't even leave them alone so you can shower?!! I meab that is the low end of the scale of some of the stuff I've heard. But the biggest one for me is the parents I see who are still looking after their children or grandchildren. It isn't always 18 years and then everything is rosy and you can get back to how things were before. Having a child is literally lifechanging and there is no going back.

It is unfortunate that society really does shy away from open discussion. I mean it would be devastating for a child to find out their parents regretted them but maybe if there was more acceptance of things not always being easy or great, people would make more informed decisions.

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Articles like this are why open discussions of being childfree are important. Society does look to make you feel like you need to have kids so having an alternative point of view might help some people.

One point in the article that I wholeheartedly believe in is that there is almost an active cover-up of the realities of parenting.

I had a lot of friends had kids in secondary school, I can't imagine how terrified they were when certain things happened to them. I'm in my 30s and only recently learned of some of the physical aspects of pregnancy and childbirth. Girls need to be told at a young age, why hide the physical consequences? I get that it might be embarrassing to talk about incontinence, trauma, tearing etc etc but I really think it should be part if what girls are informed about at a young age.

And when it comes to raising kids, there are even more aspects I've learned from friends I'd absolutely no clue about. Like apparently you shouldn't even leave them alone so you can shower?!! I meab that is the low end of the scale of some of the stuff I've heard. But the biggest one for me is the parents I see who are still looking after their children or grandchildren. It isn't always 18 years and then everything is rosy and you can get back to how things were before. Having a child is literally lifechanging and there is no going back.

It is unfortunate that society really does shy away from open discussion. I mean it would be devastating for a child to find out their parents regretted them but maybe if there was more acceptance of things not always being easy or great, people would make more informed decisions.

Well having kids certainly changes things, but, pretty much, you cant just leave them on their own when they are babies, you need to be there somewhere in the background when they are resting/sleeping, but certainly around when they are awake, their environment needs to be safe and they need to be kept safe.
It should be a personal choice, I could have continued without having a child, never really thought of it as a life step I had to take, but in the end I participated in planning for a child, my life would have been different and easier in ways, but since, I wouldnt change it.
Whether a child is planned or not, the parents outlook to it happening is what will colour their future impression, if ever its a situation that its always touted (or seems to the parent) as an essential life step and they are someone that needs convincing, then I think that person should do everything to avoid it, others will plan and others will be less cautious and deal with what happens.
An adult (presumably we are talking about mature reasonably responsible people and not underage pregnancies) engaging in intercourse knows the potential outcome of that, a person cant just assume everything they hear being all sweetness and nice is true, its hard work. I get that people will gush over the nice stuff, but I think it is in our genetic makeup to downplay the not so nice parts so we forget the difficult parts and hard work, as we are predisposed to procreating.


How much/long someone ends up looking after their own kids or further future generations might depend on how they raise them, what values they instill in them, mainly in terms of how much they promote education imo, and you still might encounter something different than planned.


I would never have thought it is for me, but the joys and highs outweigh the problems imo, but there will always be lows and problems.
Some people could do without the lows and problems, anyone could really, but others dont need or have the want to have a child and thats ok.
What I dont get is people pushing others as to how great it is, sometimes the people that push it so much, you'd nearly think they are trying to dupe people to go along as they are not so convinced themselves, where others just get on with it.

I started late so I doubt I'll be able to look after grandkids or ever know of them, which is ok by me.

GreeBo wrote: »

To be fair, I dont think any of those realities are hidden, if you actually go and look you can find details of childbirth going into all sorts of graphic detail, such as the pros and cons of a cut vs a tear...

The same is true for the lack of "me time" and showering with the door open and a kid on a bouncer, going to the jacks with an audience etc, etc.

Parents who are still looking after adult children or grandchildren are doing it because they want to, I would class that as a positive example of what having children means to some people, rather than a negative aspect to it.

A counter point might be more discussions on the reality of not having children and the reality of what that might mean in your later years. (note that this doesnt in any way mean that you should have children so they can look after/help/support you, it is however a reality)

That might be true now with the internet but it certainly wasn't always the case. I recently read that some women even suffer PTSD, it would be interesting to know how many women actively try to research the risks themselves or if they just listen to the platitudes.

I'm afraid I'll have to disagree on choice, i have the experience in my own family of parents looking after grandchildren due to the alternative of those children going into care. Of course they made the choice to keep them but what kind of a choice is that. All their other kids are mostly fine but there is one who unfortunately has issues. Maybe you can blame them, maybe you can't. My own parents were lucky to have two independent children straight away when they got to adulthood, it isn't always the case. I just think that assuming you're kids will be no hassle after 18 is optimistic.

Oh there are definitely downsides to not having kids, but those downsides will be suffered by you personally. You won't go creating another life who may or may not be impacted negatively by your choice to create them and how you choose to raise them. I support people speaking out but every single time I think how sad it is that those children have a parent who regrets them, they got no choice in that.

One of the biggest problems from a male perspective of having kids is if you split up with your partner. It means you generally are on the hook for the remaining childhood years paying a mortgage for a house you can't live in and high child maintenance payments for more than you'd have to outlay if you were living together. While also having to pay rent for your own space.

Without kids involved, you could split assets fairly and move on. I have a lodger in this position and he basically has no money to have a life, loves his kids but only had them through an expensive IVF process to make his partner happy.

GreeBo wrote: »

A counter point might be more discussions on the reality of not having children and the reality of what that might mean in your later years. (note that this doesnt in any way mean that you should have children so they can look after/help/support you, it is however a reality)

It's something both side needs to be careful of. The child you spent all of your life and money rearing could feck off to Australia, never to be seen of again in your elder years. They might have a falling out with you and become estranged etc.

Meanwhile, your childfree friend might be sitting in a beautiful retirement home with all the money they invested in stock and property rather than children.

o1s1n wrote: »

It's something both side needs to be careful of. The child you spent all of your life and money rearing could feck off to Australia, never to be seen of again in your elder years. They might have a falling out with you and become estranged etc.

Meanwhile, your childfree friend might be sitting in a beautiful retirement home with all the money they invested in stock and property rather than children.

Sure enough, but I think thats stats would show that children leaving to never be seen again is rarer than your alternative suggestion

(i have zero evidence to back this up, other than anecdotal)

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I think that some people get pressured by society, some people find themselves in the position of parenthood through lack of proper sex education, some people are coerced by family or partners into keeping a child. I just don't think it is as black and white as people just moaning.

I agree people should think about having children more than they do but societal and family pressures are real. I don't think it is maturity a lot of the time but strength. I'm lucky that I had positive role models in my life from a young age, not everyone does.

I think if an article like this is out there at least it disrupts some the common narratives you hear about how once the baby arrives you'll love it, you'll feel fufilled and whole and it's different when it's your own.

I don't know about being fulfilled but I would say even majority of people who regret having kids love their kids and feel different towards their own kids. People who regret having kids can still be good parents. They might not be as happy as they could be.

I don't accept that it's someone else's fault (unless there is a deception, rape or lack of access to abortion). I especially dislike 'my wife made me do it'. Healthy sane adults are responsible for our own actions although we might not be happy with the result.

Edit: there is also misconception that people feel the same all the time. I didn't regret having kids but I definitely didn't enjoy it when they were babies. Some will never regret having kids, some will regret it at some stage and some will always regret it. Nobody however enjoys it all the time and is happy all the time.

o1s1n wrote: »

Indeed they are, however unfortunately a lot of people don't have your mental fortitude when it comes to resisting pressure like this. Be it by society, their family, their partner etc.

People cave on issues due to pressure and they do it all the time. Couple that with constantly being told 'ah you don't know what you're missing! and 'everyone does it, you'll be grand, it's normal!' definitely results in a lot of people ending up with children they probably would have been better off without.

It's nothing to do with mental fortitude. We don't make decisions in isolation, I accept that, but the easiest thing is to blame ex (parents, society, friends) for everything that went wrong. In the end it's ourselves who do or don't do something.

o1s1n wrote: »

Is it their responsibility? Of course, I don't disagree with you there. Can people be coerced into things and routes they probably shouldn't have gone down? Most definitely. I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting you made a wrong choice and the reason you made that choice was down to pressure from another party. It definitely doesn't make you a 'weakling'.

Mental fortitude is how you deal with things after they don't go your way. I know a man who blamed his employers (multiple) for lack of success, ex for lack of a relationship, claimed others are more successful because of their parents and so on. It was always someone else until you realise you are just dealing with a weak person who needs something to excuse his failings.

Things go wrong in life. Some whinge and blame others and some make the best out of the situation. There is nothing wrong in admitting you regret having children but don't blame it on everyone but yourself.

Addle wrote: »

It’s so sad.
No way kids don’t pick up on their parents feelings.
Resentment leading to more resentment.

I think some parents are still very good parents despite regretting having kids. And there are rubbish parents who don't regret having kids. However if someone blames their ex or family for having kids you can be sure they will blame kids next.

Igotadose wrote: »

Really? Can't think of any. Made the decision early in life to not have kids, now 60+ years old. Can enumerate hundreds of lives I know ruined by the decision to have kids.

So, tell me, what are these downsides to not having kids? About the only one I can think of is the "breeder mafia" controlling promotions/perks at work kind of thing, but that wasn't a huge downside in my experience, if I ended up working in a nest of breeders I moved on.

I think for me as a women, the older I get the less seriously I'm taken because I don't have nor want children. Somehow I have less of an idea about the world because I couldn't possibly know anything because I don't have kids. Again, I am in my 30s now and have hardly any good friends because they all have kids and their lives revolve around that.

Decisions need to be made about our retirement etc. We have vastly more options but we need to make sure to save the additional money we have by not having kids to ensyre we're not stuck in late retirement with no one around to help us cook/drive etc.

Anecdotally I've heard people can find it difficult to find partners etc. I didn't have that issue but I can believe it is difficult for some.

I completely agree that I see more people unhappy with kids, especially lots of people with lost opportunity etc. But I definitely think there are downsides to being Childfree, not as devastating as having kids you don't want but still not all smooth sailing.

Igotadose wrote: »

Really? Can't think of any. Made the decision early in life to not have kids, now 60+ years old. Can enumerate hundreds of lives I know ruined by the decision to have kids.

So, tell me, what are these downsides to not having kids? About the only one I can think of is the "breeder mafia" controlling promotions/perks at work kind of thing, but that wasn't a huge downside in my experience, if I ended up working in a nest of breeders I moved on.

That's an entertaining post. One would expect to have an advantage at work if you don't have commitments kids bring. Just admit you were not really that good at what you do if every parent got promoted ahead of you.

Disclaimer: I haven't read the full article, only the extracts in OP.
But it seems this is a person who didn't want kids, who had a child and essentially had before confirmed that they wish they didn't have a child.
All that says to me is of you don't want kids, don't have kids I'm not sure there is a deeper message.

I wanted to have kids, I have kids, and I love having kids.

People should do what they believe they want to do, and accept the consequences. Obviously this doesn't take into consideration unplanned or uncontrolled circumstances, but I didn't get the impression this came into the article either.

I've two children, both around 20 years old now.
Today I can say they are my greatest achievement in life and now they are young adults making their own way in life they are both a source of great joy and pride to me.
However....
If you asked me for the first 7-8 years of their existence if I regretted having children I would have said yes, immediately.
The early years are hell but it gradually gets easier and more rewarding.

This forum in my opinion should be about the positives of being child free and how best to take advantage of that.

Way too focused on kids and parenting.

If you have made a life choice thats made you happy. There is no need to constantly reaffirm that choice. If there are people and family who constantly try to do this to you. Have minimal or no contact with them. It may not be easy but it's necessary.

Its not good to be constantly focused on negativity, as some on this forum seems to tend to do.

There was some good discussion on traveling during school time and adult only hotels, restaurants etc. Things like that are excellent.