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Pregnant and alone update

2»

Comments

  • #52
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Fair enough.

    I understand that you want the child to have a father figure, but this man, as he is, is not an appropriate father figure or role model.
    He is a coked out dog addict, and despite how he may act when not stressed, he is still an addict and like all addicts, he will put his addiction before everything. That I can tell your as a certainty. I have seen it so many times with people I know. He will put cocaine before you, be will put cocaine before his own health, and he will put cocaine before the well-being of his own son. And he will do this until he has addressed good addiction in a mall l meaningful way. I have seen all this play out enough times to write a book on it, trust me.

    All I can suggest now is to tell him that he can only go on the birth cert and have supervised access to the baby on the condition that kicks the drug habit and enrolls on a drug rehabilitation program, and sticks to it in a way that is verifiable by you.
    If he is serious about this child, he will make the effort. If he cannot make that effort, will that tells it's own story.

    To be honest, I think you are massively underplaying the significance of his drug addiction. This is not a sly joint here and there....this is heavy, sustained and compulsive use of hard drugs. To the point that his nasal passages are disintegrating leading to the heavy nosebleeds.

    And another thing.... Think of all that money that he blows up his nose.. Wouldn't that be very helpful for paying towards things for the baby?

    Ask yourself this honestly....., if he had €500 in his hand of a Friday evening now, would be likely to buy things to help you with the baby (maybe offer to put it towards a doula) or, would he just snuff the lot up his beak?
    I mean, he knows there's a baby on the way, but Which would he do?


  • #53
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,405 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    Mothers have allot to answer for. They let their bratty sons get away with everything, do everything for them then they grow up into spoiled immature men/children that cant take any responsibility for themselves.
    If it was me in your position, I would keep the relationship with the father casual, I wouldnt want to be with him romantically and my only ties to him would be the child & keeping a friendly/civil relationship for the sake of the baby. Id consider him a casual friend that you happen to share a child with. He doesnt seem dependable or the relationship type and he's put you through hell so why give him that chance again?


  • #54
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,405 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    Fair enough.

    I understand that you want the child to have a father figure, but this man, as he is, is not an appropriate father figure or role model.
    He is a coked out dog addict, and despite how he may act when not stressed, he is still an addict and like all addicts, he will put his addiction before everything. That I can tell your as a certainty. I have seen it so many times with people I know. He will put cocaine before you, be will put cocaine before his own health, and he will put cocaine before the well-being of his own son. And he will do this until he has addressed good addiction in a mall l meaningful way. I have seen all this play out enough times to write a book on it, trust me.

    All I can suggest now is to tell him that he can only go on the birth cert and have supervised access to the baby on the condition that kicks the drug habit and enrolls on a drug rehabilitation program, and sticks to it in a way that is verifiable by you.
    If he is serious about this child, he will make the effort. If he cannot make that effort, will that tells it's own story.

    To be honest, I think you are massively underplaying the significance of his drug addiction. This is not a sly joint here and there....this is heavy, sustained and compulsive use of hard drugs. To the point that his nasal passages are disintegrating leading to the heavy nosebleeds.

    And another thing.... Think of all that money that he blows up his nose.. Wouldn't that be very helpful for paying towards things for the baby?

    Ask yourself this honestly....., if he had €500 in his hand of a Friday evening now, would be likely to buy things to help you with the baby (maybe offer to put it towards a doula) or, would he just snuff the lot up his beak?
    I mean, he knows there's a baby on the way, but Which would he do?

    Regardless of the type of person he is or how responsible he is, he has much of a right to a relationship with his child as the mother.
    She cant use their child to control him & tell him what to do, the child shouldnt be caught in the middle & used as leverage.
    She has enough on her plate without taking on her ex like another child and try to cure his drug habit or straighten him out, thats not her responsibility and it could lead to him resenting her & the child.


  • #55
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,274 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    Nothing really to add except to say you are amazing Porklife.
    You sound very capable, grounded and balanced.
    Lean on your friends as much as you can, take all the offers you get.
    Maybe your sister in Germany could get to you for a bit in the summer?
    I for one absolutely agree with you about the birth cert. Your son has a right to his identity. Also, from memory, there was some legislation a few years ago, where both names must be on a birth certificate unless the circumstances are exceptional.
    You sound so strong, your son is so lucky!
    Like someone said above, start preparing now. I stocked up on nappies, wipes, vests, babygros every week from trimester 3.
    Also, if your friend works in Citizens Info, I'm sure you've asked them to explore your rights for One Parent Family or Working Payment Family Divided social welfare payments?
    Also once you register the birth, you can apply for Child Benefit which is €140 per month and don't forget to claim your tax credit as a single parent too.
    Every little helps (working single parent also!)
    Best of luck!!

    To thine own self be true



  • #56
    Zebrag
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 158 ✭✭Zebrag


    Porklife wrote: »
    Thank you for sharing your story Zebrag. Your mam sounds awesome and is an inspiration. Congratulations on your engagement and house buying. That's fantastic, well done you.
    I'm sorry your dad has been such a flake, how disappointing for you. It's just sad really.
    Life is a funny old game. Some people would do anything to have children and for a multitude of reasons aren't able to and others throw the chance away.
    I'm really gonna try be positive from here on out. No more tears. I can't be acting like a baby if im about to raise one!

    Honestly Porklife, the only person he disappointed was himself. The only thing I missed out on was extra presents for occasions and even then my Mam made sure to double up! I'm not disappointed whatever. I was no means spoiled but I wasn't under any illusion that because I didn't have my dad around didn't mean I was left out. Sure I have my granddad who's been there since day one and is also my Godfather and I think that's a lot better to be honest

    Don't cry for anyone who won't cry over you. Belive me. He knew how easy he had things and fecked it up royally. It's his loss, not yours. If anything you've gained a thousand more than he ever will.

    In regards to the birth cirtificate, the only reason my Mam didn't have my father's name down was because it wasn't too long after I was born that she found out that when I turned 16 and my mam had her own possession like a house, regardless if my dad was in my life or not, he was my next of kin so to speak and had rights to take over if anything was to happen to her. She put a stop to that as she new herself and so did he that he genuinely didn't give two dogs bollocks about me so she wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of knowing all her hard work was going to be given to him freely. Now that was in '92 so I'm not sure if things have changed. I jusy want to make that aware that when your little one is under 16 (could be 18) and the father is on the cert, he would have rights to some degree. I'm not saying don't put him down on the cert as I highly agree that every child as a right to know who their father is but I do want to make you aware that if he's on the cert, he's entitled to take over basically. Again '92, things have probably changed since then


  • #57
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Zebrag wrote: »
    In regards to the birth cirtificate, the only reason my Mam didn't have my father's name down was because it wasn't too long after I was born that she found out that when I turned 16 and my mam had her own possession like a house, regardless if my dad was in my life or not, he was my next of kin so to speak and had rights to take over if anything was to happen to her.

    It doesn't quite work like that, but it is something to think about that is often overlooked.

    Porklife, once your baby is born you should make a Will, (even if you don't own any property) naming someone you trust to act as "Testamentary Guardian" for your baby, who would then step in and act in your place in the event that something happened to you. The Testamentary Guardian would have the right to a say in what happens to your baby, including the right to apply for guardianship (or joint guardianship), joint custody and day to day care of your child themselves.


  • #58
    Porklife
    Registered Users Posts: 1,681 ✭✭✭Porklife


    Purple Mountain wrote: »
    Nothing really to add except to say you are amazing Porklife.
    You sound very capable, grounded and balanced.
    Lean on your friends as much as you can, take all the offers you get.
    Maybe your sister in Germany could get to you for a bit in the summer?
    I for one absolutely agree with you about the birth cert. Your son has a right to his identity. Also, from memory, there was some legislation a few years ago, where both names must be on a birth certificate unless the circumstances are exceptional.
    You sound so strong, your son is so lucky!
    Like someone said above, start preparing now. I stocked up on nappies, wipes, vests, babygros every week from trimester 3.
    Also, if your friend works in Citizens Info, I'm sure you've asked them to explore your rights for One Parent Family or Working Payment Family Divided social welfare payments?
    Also once you register the birth, you can apply for Child Benefit which is €140 per month and don't forget to claim your tax credit as a single parent too.
    Every little helps (working single parent also!)
    Best of luck!!

    Thank you so much Purple :):):):) Just a lovely post. Yep, I've looked into One Parent Payment and have loads of onesies and little tops for him. I'm a sucker for dinosaurs.. if i see a dinosaur on a top I'm like... i'll take 10!! This little due is gonna be ok. As for me, well writing here has massively helped and hopefully as time goes by I start to feel better. It's so crazy. I can't tell if it's hormones or if i'm just insane but one minute i'm so happy and the next i'm in floods of tears. Let's hope it's just hormones and if so.. jesus, they're a right bastard aren't they!! I rememeber my sister saying when she was pregnat she just left one evenng. She stood up, looked at her partner and said.. well, that's me done.. see ya :) She went to her firends house for a week to get her **** together.
    Roll on May, thats all I can say :)


  • #59
    Zebrag
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 158 ✭✭Zebrag


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    It doesn't quite work like that, but it is something to think about that is often overlooked.

    My Mam was told this by a solicitor when she went to fight the rights to remove all access as my dad just stopped and kept dancing in and out. She didn't want his money but his rights removed she so she was advised to either remove his name to not give him any chances or add his name and give him more rights. Either solicitor was the chap from Better Call Saul or my mam made this up..... Suffice to say he had no rights from the time she removed him and he's none the wiser to my life


  • #60
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Zebrag wrote: »
    My Mam was told this by a solicitor when she went to fight the rights to remove all access as my dad just stopped and kept dancing in and out. She didn't want his money but his rights removed she so she was advised to either remove his name to not give him any chances or add his name and give him more rights. Either solicitor was the chap from Better Call Saul or my mam made this up..... Suffice to say he had no rights from the time she removed him and he's none the wiser to my life

    Removed his name from what?!?!


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  • #61
    Zebrag
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 158 ✭✭Zebrag


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    Removed his name from what?!?!

    Read previous post you answered too. Birth certificate


  • #62
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Zebrag wrote: »
    Read previous post you answered too. Birth certificate

    Okay, well, I don't know what advice your mother was given in 1992, but I do know it's not relevant to Porklife in 2021. Back in the 90s entering an unmarried father's name on a birth certificate did not grant any them any automatic rights, and by itself, it still doesn't today. The only grounds I know of that allows for the removal of a father's details from a bc is where its shown he is not the biological father.

    If your mother had passed away while you were still a minor, your father could still have made an application to the courts for guardianship and custody of you, irrespective of what was on your birth certificate.

    Fathers can apply for access, custody and guardianship right up until a child's 18th birthday.


  • #63
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,357 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    Neyite wrote: »
    Right now, detach from the lot of them entirely. You have more important things to focus on and their feelings on your pregnancy or plans for the future are utterly irrelevant. I wouldn't tell them you are in labour. The last thing you need is his mother outside the labour ward /antenatal causing a fuss. Covid restrictions might work well in your favour here.

    In terms of what you need for the baby, do you have what you need?

    Porklife, I'm not going to add a huge amount to the thread. A lot of good advice already given, imo.

    I'm just going to say that you're a lot stronger than you even think you are. And I'm going to echo what Neyite has said. Yes, there's a lot to work out. Of course there is. And do grab hold of all the information you can in relation to legalities and whatever else.

    But, for now, step back, give yourself a break and when you're ready, focus on the purely practical stuff. The lists, the hospital bag, the nitty gritty stuff...all of that.

    Mind yourself.
    You are going to be a great mother.


  • #64
    Neyite
    Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Porklife wrote: »
    Thank you so much Purple :):):):) Just a lovely post. Yep, I've looked into One Parent Payment and have loads of onesies and little tops for him. I'm a sucker for dinosaurs.. if i see a dinosaur on a top I'm like... i'll take 10!! This little due is gonna be ok. As for me, well writing here has massively helped and hopefully as time goes by I start to feel better. It's so crazy. I can't tell if it's hormones or if i'm just insane but one minute i'm so happy and the next i'm in floods of tears. Let's hope it's just hormones and if so.. jesus, they're a right bastard aren't they!! I rememeber my sister saying when she was pregnat she just left one evenng. She stood up, looked at her partner and said.. well, that's me done.. see ya :) She went to her firends house for a week to get her **** together.
    Roll on May, thats all I can say :)


    Dinosaurs are the cutest! I was a sucker for dino related stuff as well. Those days are gone now but I've still all that stuff in storage that I'll rehome as soon as lockdown is over.

    I'm glad writing here has helped - and the parenting forum is a great support as well, it was for me in the early days when I'd have questions or queries or worries.


  • #65
    tea and coffee
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,836 ✭✭✭tea and coffee


    Nothing to add to the above posts other than to agree you're making the right decision.

    Just one other little thing I noticed- you mentioned drinking...was this a "thing"? If so just mind yourself post partum. Right now you have an amazing excuse not to drink but (am I'm not trying to freak you out- genuinely!) babies can be tiring ... just make sure you have support if you need it in that aspect.


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