Pregnant and alone update

Porklife

Hey all

Hope everyone is keeping well during this seemingly endless lockdown.

I started a thread back in September having just found out I'm pregnant. The father of the baby moved out of our apartment days later and is still living in a flatshare. He hates living there and bitches about it all the time but that's a different story.

As I waddle into my third trimester, I was hoping to hear any advice or opinions you guys might have on the current situation. I received so much guidance and support on my last thread and it really helped me at a very vulnerable time. The thread really saved me at that time and thanks again to all who replied.

The way it stands now is he decided after 3 months of zero support that he actually wants the baby. After he moved out, I called his mom one day to see if she knew i was pregnant and her thoughts. Ive only met her a few times and have always been lovely to her, brought her wine and biscuits as a thanks for having us over and got on well with her. Her reaction was shocking. She said how do i know the baby is even his. She shouted at me and said if i dare tell anyone he wanted an abortion shed come to my house and sort me out. How dare I say he wants an abortion, he is an honourable man who would never say such a thing. I was very upset after the call and havnt heard from her or anyone on his family since bar the odd text saying...glad your scan went well.

Anyway, around Christmas he decided he wants the baby and apparently his whole family are now really excited. I got a random text the other night from his mom saying hello..We are super excited about the ray of sunshine and can't wait!!! Its as if nothing bad has happened.

There have been so many horrible moments over the past few months. Too much to go into here but mostly me desperately asking for his help and him coldly saying no chance. I dont have family here and have been going through the pregnancy alone.

I guess im asking how do i handle this from here on out? For the sake of the baby id like him to have a father in his life but im so broken from all this guy has put me through.

He is a coke addict too so very sneaky by nature of that and he lies about things so i have zero trust in him.

Any thoughts very welcome and thanks for reading if you got this far.

Princess Calla

Here's my take on his mother.....her golden boy can do no wrong...classic irish mammy!

It's easier to blame you for everything than to acknowledge she may have raised an ar*ehole!

When it comes to abortion I think alot of people maybe prochoice on the surface, when it has nothing really to do with them, but the idea that their grandchild might be aborted doesn't sit well with them and that their child's first reaction to a pregnancy is to suggest an abortion really doesn't sit well with them.....if that makes sense.

Raising a child is really hard, especially in the first few months when they are so dependent on you...it gets easier the more sleep you get.

My sister is a single mum, she said it was easier after he left as then she knew she was on her own and planned accordingly. When he was on the scene she was constantly "dragging" him along too...he wasn't proactive needed to be nagged to do anything...ask him to get milk he'd return 3 days later after being on a massive bender all housekeeping money spent......she really had a hard time, but also had a couple of kids with him.....for the most part he stayed out of their lives....now the kids are adults he's back like a bad feckin smell...though to be fair the eldest child is the one driving that relationship...the mind boggles.

So from seeing that scenario play out i would advise to plan like you are single and doing it alone.

He has shown that he's not dependable and I wouldn't be comfortable leaving a child in his care if he's taking drugs.

I wouldn't let him move back in as it just sounds like his flatshare is not working, if it was working he wouldn't be sniffing around. ...I might be wrong.

If he wants to see the child let him come over for the afternoon and you can use the time to have a long shower, maybe do some batch cooking for the week, catch up on chores etc whatever makes your life easier.

LegacyUser

I have a friend in a similar situation who got someone pregnant he shouldn't have. What he did is brought it to the courts and got mediation so that they have shared custody. They do not get along so this way it's all above board. This allows them to do what's best for the kid.
Just try and keep emotions and drama away from the kid whatever you do, that messes people up for life.
I've seen you post about your alcohol problems before, you really need to keep a lid on that no matter what, only he can sort his own addiction problems.
Good luck.

Porklife

Thanks Princess. His mam thinks the sun shines out of his ass. Asking if it's his was insulting enough but to then get so angry when i said im sure you're aware he has moved out as i wouldn't agree to an abortion. Her tone changed completely and she essentially called me a liar. He wouldn't dream of suggesting that...yeah, i agree, demanding is more apt! I remember feeling so much shame at being pregnant.
I know that call was months ago and i should let it go but i just cant stop feeling hurt over it. I also think if my parents were here today things would have been handled so differently. I dont think they would have treated me as badly.

I feel the same way about the flatshare and change of mind. At first he moved in with his mates and there was zero chance of him helping or being there for the child. He moves into a houseshare he hates and a few weeks later suggests coming back. Its also really insensitive to sit with me in the apartment we once shared talking about how he hates his new place.
Maybe im overly sensitive though, i dont know but everything he says seems to hurt me.

Im sorry your sister went through that. She sounds like a strong woman and im glad her child is calling the shots with the dad now.

Lately he's been offering loads of support and checks in with me every day to see how i am. He is being really nice and its confusing. Part of me wants to forgive and forget and move on for the baby but another part just feels this anger and resentment towards him. He left me here with a broken lease and all the bills pregnant and scared. He has caused me so much stress and anxiety that i cant seem to let go of.

One of my sisters keeps saying cut him out completely. She refuses to even talk about him. She doesn't want his name mentioned.
The other is telling me to accept his help and move on and quit living in the past. He's being helpful now so better late than never but i feel torn. Sometimes the damage is too deep and its unforgivable.

Ugh. Head is melted with this.

Princess Calla

Porklife wrote: »

One of my sisters keeps saying cut him out completely. She refuses to even talk about him. She doesn't want his name mentioned.
The other is telling me to accept his help and move on and quit living in the past. He's being helpful now so better late than never but i feel torn. Sometimes the damage is too deep and its unforgivable.

Ugh. Head is melted with this.

I think you need to start thinking about yourself as two people

If we ignore the pregnancy for a minute and your boyfriend acted the way he did over some other issue , massive fights, moving out etc would you as "single porkie" take him back , would you think your good times out weigh the bad etc. Or would "single porkie" think, jesus I've had a lucky escape.

Then we move onto "mammy porkie" I don't think mammy porkie can really cut him out as he is the father and does have rights and all that jazz. The guy is potentially going to be in your life forever and you need to figure out how you work that.

Now we have to merge the two porkies

You don't have to make any decision here and now.

I'd be of the mindset of sister #2 take his help......that doesn't mean he moves back in or you get back together unless it's something you want.

Right now your body is operating on about 90% hormones I wouldn't be making massive decisions until about 6 months after the birth at a minimum. If you want to give it another go, take it slow he doesn't need to be living with you to have a relationship. Be clear on your boundaries.

As for the "in laws" you have no idea what he was saying about you when you weren't around. Their reaction wasn't great, but I know of alot of parents who react very negatively when they are told....not everyone had the youtube insta happy reveal etc. Again your child is related to these people so you need to find a way to move forward as they will be in their life etc.

The one thing I will say is do not be the reason your child doesn't see their dad/dad's family. From your own ego or out of vengeance or whatever as the child will ask more probing questions as they get older and you need to be able to look at the child in the eye and not jeapordise your relationship........ obviously that doesn't apply if your child is getting let down on a continuous basis and it's in their best interest to cut ties.

Caranica

I'm with the sister who says cut him out. I'd go further and say move away before the baby is born. You need a new life for you and the baby, away from the gaslighting drug addict and his horrible family. If you wait until the baby is born he can ask a court to stop you moving abroad or far from him if he doesn't drive.

waxmelts2000

My sister gave birth 17 years ago to my first nephew , the light of our lives. She raised him on his own (along with help from our parents and family) She had to fight every step of the way with the "father" who didn't want to know , he did eventually pay maintenance and put his name on the birth cert. I know your situation is slightly different but my sister is thankful everyday that he was not involved in the rearing of her son as it would cause unnecessary heartache, fighting, arguing etc.

So from reading above you have the support of at least one sister. I know it will be tough but this guy I don't think will be good for you and your baby. Can you trust him if you leave him back into your life, if he gets fed up will he walk out again.
I'm wishing you every best wish to you and your baby .

Princess Calla

Caranica wrote: »

I'm with the sister who says cut him out. I'd go further and say move away before the baby is born. You need a new life for you and the baby, away from the gaslighting drug addict and his horrible family. If you wait until the baby is born he can ask a court to stop you moving abroad or far from him if he doesn't drive.

Move where though?

If memory serves the op is in late 30's with well paid job. If she handed in her notice tomorrow there goes her paid maternity leave....I don't know how the state benefits would work.

She's in her third trimester will an airline take her?

Will she then have to spend her maternity leave looking for a new job/new place to live etc.

Let's not forget the slight issue of a global pandemic.

I'm not saying the boyfriend sounds like father of the year, but at least here she has a job and roof over her head.

Caranica

I can't remember the specifics of the last thread and PI/RI threads aren't listed under a user's posts.

You don't have to move far to get away. Just somewhere her ex doesn't know she is. If going overseas then ferries are running? Most people are working remotely now so location isn't as important as it used to be.

I don't believe that a bad father is better than no father. He and his family will continue to make the OP's life hell if she doesn't get away.

jelly&icecream

I think you should keep him at a distance but informed of the general progress of the pregnancy and when the baby is born. You owe him nothing and really don't need to be his emotional support while he's bitching about his crappy houseshare.

I wouldn't communicate with his mother at all tbh. I know the type, thinks the sun shines out of her useless son's backside. Let him pass on info to her as he sees fit. She'll only stress you out and annoy you and that's the last thing you need at the moment.

When you have the baby you'll be at your most vulnerable. Do not let him move back in with you after the post baby hormone rush when it might seem like a good idea even though you know it's not. Probably best to have one of your sisters there with you for the actual birth for support.

If he's interested you should let him regularly see the child. When the baby is small, probably best that it's supervised, especially given the drugs link. Make sure he pays his way also, probably best to get that sorted out legally if he's as flakey as he appears.

Porklife

Thank you so much for the replies. Every insight helps (said in the voice of a tesco advert:p)

As a single porkie I would run a mile if somebody treated me as he did. If we take the baby out of the equation, I could never unsee his true colours. His reaction to our first major hurdle was to shame, blame and abandon me, there's no coming back from that.
Pregnant porkie feels the same way but has little sausage to think about. I wish I could find it in my heart to forgive him and to understand why he did what he did but i can't.
It was hit after hit after hit. Breaking the lease and moving out leaving me to sit down with the landlord to renegotiate rent was unbelievable. My landlord was lovely thankfully but it could have resulted in my having to move to a bedsit alone.
He makes comments all the time too like let's not get too excited just yet..you drank alot so the baby could be deformed for all we know. He also talked about stillbirth statistics to me. Its like he tried every trick in the book up to 12 weeks to make me feel so isolated id cave and have an abortion. Then he switched to telling me id have no support from him or his family and how hard life is for single moms. He sucked all the joy from this pregnancy like its a disease i caught and tried to make him pay for my medication.

Now hes suddenly really caring and nice. His mom is texting about the ray of sunshine...whatever..the same ray of sunshine you assumed was some random guys cos im such a tart

The DayDream

Ugh, my blood is boiling here reading that. Having to face that treatment while pregnant with no family around is just unbelievable and my heart goes out to you. If you were my sister, he would be the one with a visitor to the house to sort HIM out. And of course he knows your alone and is taking full advantage.

Fwiw the best decision my mother ever made for me and my sisters was to cut our alcoholic father out of our lives completely. And this fella sounds similar to him. He's just going to let you and your child down, repeatedly, and it will be less painful overall to just draw the line sooner rather than later. Of course, that's easy for me to say as I don't have to be the one dealing with him and his psycho family. But do you want your child being partially raised by those crazies, do you want him and the nutjob mother in your life forever?

You're being set up for a lifetime of torture from these monsters, which you will have to endure on top of raising the child basically by yourself. I'd move back to be closer to my family, anything to get away from them and save my baby from being poisoned by that crowd.

Princess Calla

I think you have your answer so.

The relationship between the two of you is over. Decision number 1 is made.

I think jellyandicecreams advice is bang on.....keep everyone at a distance.

Your not in a relationship anymore so you don't have to listen to his sh*te

Until the baby is born you really don't know what he will be like as a dad. He may surprise you. As I said if he wants allow afternoon visits, you can do your chores etc...they are supervised without you saying you'll only allow supervised visits

If he's turning up wasted or causing problems block the visits, keep a log etc encase he fights for access.

Be prepared that he'll be out of your life before the baby is one.

As for the baby itself, our parents generation all drank when pregnant. I'm sure you've read the literature and talked to your gp, don't be worrying about what might be. He was being extremely callous saying those things.

Enjoy the final stages of your pregnancy. Try to get as much rest as you can and have the apartment ready. If you can have some premade dinners in the freezer for the first few weeks.

shesty

Jesus.

I'll be honest, I was thinking hmm, yeah, difficult family, maybe something could be worked out and then you got to the coke addict bit and a big alarm went off in my head.

How do YOU feel OP.I know you aren't a parent in person, so to speak yet, but are you comfortable with the idea of his family being involved with your child.I admit myself I would not be happy with a someone who has a drug problem potentially getting to look after my kid.

Mammy clearly thinks her son can do no wrong...the Irish mammy syndrome.Now if she already thinks the child will be a ray of sunshine, I would run a mile from that.Keep them at arm's length. Bottom line is the child's dad here though....myself I would keep him informed, maybe supervised visits but no way would I be leaving the baby with him or the family.Try and get ome of your family there for the birth if you can, and maybe the weeks afterwards, or do you hve friends for support (the hormomes and exhaustion will hit you like a freight train around day 3/4, so try to have someome around the help you).

This will be tough OP, but it will be tougher if you leave yourself open to emotional manipulation from this crowd.Tread carefully, I wouldn't rely on him for anything.

LegacyUser

Imagine the experience you should have been having with this pregnancy. Your partner in life should be support you. Love you. Put you first. Instead, he wanted to make it go away, regardless of the emotional or spiritual damage it could have caused you. That’s not love. He had no regard for your feelings, or for your hopes and dreams. What can he realistically offer you now? I think you should look towards a future without him as far as possible. Prioritise yourself and your new baby.

Porklife

Thank you all so much, your advice and kindness is invaluable to me and really appreciated.

My alcohol issue..well, i stopped drinking the minute i found out i was pregnant. I hit 30 days sober for the first time in years. It wasn't that i was a fall down drunk alcoholic, its that if i started drinking i found it hard or impossible to stop. I was a binge drinker. Thankfully drugs have never been my thing but he was/is/who knows/cares doing coke even on work nights.
I didn't know the extent of it until we started living together cos he downplayed it. He told me he did it on special occasions but he'd have nosebleeds regularly and i started finding bags in the laundry basket and straws with power behind books.
He lies very easily too albeit not convincingly, stupid lies about nothing and that concerns me.

Sad part is my excitement for my little guy has been squashed. I can barely feel joy without bursting into tears moments later. I want my child to be happy and loved and its so hard to know what to do.

My parents are dead unfortunately and i dont have family here and i truly believe him and his family have treated me so badly because of that. Im alone and they knew they could trample all over me. My dad would have kicked his ass:(

I just feel so sad all the time. I feel ashamed and guilty too. Im doing councelling once a fortnight by phone and its helping but no real progress is being made cos im as upset as i was 6 months ago:(

strandroad

He has revealed himself to be a vile individual and his mother seems to be more of the same. What he said and did to you shows that he has no respect for you whatsoever, not as a person and not as a mother of his child. There is nothing he can do to cover it up now, this relationship as well as his nature is toxic to the core.

I would definitely go it alone then, as hard as it might be. Don't involve them and give them only as much access as required, otherwise they might start fighting you for custody etc. Keep it civil but distant. Do you have any evidence of his drug addiction? You might need it if you need to prove why you don't want the baby unsupervised with him.

There is a chance they'll get bored and leave you two alone after a while too. Can you get by without maintenance? Can your sisters be of any practical help?

December2012

Where do his family and him think you fit in all of this? Do you think they would try to take the baby from you? Or would they be actual support? You dont need to decide any of this right away, btw

Porklife

December2012 wrote: »

Where do his family and him think you fit in all of this? Do you think they would try to take the baby from you? Or would they be actual support? You dont need to decide any of this right away, btw

How could they take the baby from me? I have a lovely 2 bed apartment im paying for and i will be a devoted mother. I don't see how or why anyone would try take my baby away? Sorry if I'm being overly sensitive aking but im not sure what you mean. I think they'd be support on their terms if it suited them and if it outwardly made them look good. I don't think they'd be a genuine support to me. I'm surplus to requirements for them. They want a grandchild but couldn't care less about my wellbeing.

I do have evidence of his drug addiction. He talks about it im messages with me which ive screenshots of and ive also exported our entire whatsapp history to gmail backup.
I have photos of cut up straws and messages of me asking...What the hell is this etc.
Its not something he denies or can deny thankfully.

Princess Calla

Porklife wrote: »

I just feel so sad all the time. I feel ashamed and guilty too. Im doing councelling once a fortnight by phone and its helping but no real progress is being made cos im as upset as i was 6 months ago:(

Well you have a fair bit to be sad about.

You need to ease up on yourself. You've done absolutely nothing wrong. The days of being ashamed for getting pregnant are long gone, don't go down that path.

There is a condition called prenatal depression, it might be no harm to talk to your gp about it, but you know you're dealing with alot!!!

Worrying about your child is also perfectly normal. He is going to be fine . The fact that you are on her worrying and asking questions illustrates that you are all ready a great mum and protector.

It's alot of hard work but it is worth it.

Just try to have a decent stockpile of everything in before the arrival as getting out in the first few weeks can be difficult without a pandemic.

Take it easy on yourself, every parent has fears/worries and doubts themselves xx

Porklife

Eibh1982 wrote: »

Imagine the experience you should have been having with this pregnancy. Your partner in life should be support you. Love you. Put you first. Instead, he wanted to make it go away, regardless of the emotional or spiritual damage it could have caused you. That’s not love. He had no regard for your feelings, or for your hopes and dreams. What can he realistically offer you now? I think you should look towards a future without him as far as possible. Prioritise yourself and your new baby.

This post broke my heart. It's exactly how I feel. When I first found out I was pregant I was shocked but there was underlying happiness and a sense of immediate love for my baby. I knew it was my baby and there was no way I was ever going to have an abortion. He stood in front of me pointing his finger at me.. it's a bunch of useless cells.. its not real.. you couldnt care.. it's not real.. stop acting attached to a bunch of cells. I remember screaming back in tears.. it's not a bunch of cells to me!! Its my baby.

I am so sad I feel like i#ll ever get over what could have been. I keep thinking how differently it could have been. There was never any need for this amount of pain and anxiety. This poor little kid hasn't done a thing wrong and as his mother i'm crying every day and letting him down. I hate my ex for that and will never forgive him. Ever. I hate being this angry but I actually hate him so much. I don't know how to get past it. Councelling is helpful but not ultimately not a magic wand. I hate him and that's just how it is.

Loveinapril

jelly&icecream wrote: »

I think you should keep him at a distance but informed of the general progress of the pregnancy and when the baby is born. You owe him nothing and really don't need to be his emotional support while he's bitching about his crappy houseshare.

I wouldn't communicate with his mother at all tbh. I know the type, thinks the sun shines out of her useless son's backside. Let him pass on info to her as he sees fit. She'll only stress you out and annoy you and that's the last thing you need at the moment.

When you have the baby you'll be at your most vulnerable. Do not let him move back in with you after the post baby hormone rush when it might seem like a good idea even though you know it's not. Probably best to have one of your sisters there with you for the actual birth for support.

If he's interested you should let him regularly see the child. When the baby is small, probably best that it's supervised, especially given the drugs link. Make sure he pays his way also, probably best to get that sorted out legally if he's as flakey as he appears.

This is all absolutely spot on.

The most important thing you need to do right now is establish boundaries. Your ex sounds horrible, and although he is being a total d!ck, he is still a biological connection to your kid and has rights. I think keeping all the contact to a minimum before the birth is a great idea. Otherwise he will try to worm his way back in. You should also be financially supported by him so you could get him to agree to setting up a direct debit now or else get the court system involved. They also offer mediation services.

How are your finances? Could you stretch to hiring a doula for a short time after birth? Or even just establish a relationship with a childminder now to come to your home and help you for a couple of hours every day to let you nap, shower or eat. Jelly and Icecream is so right in saying that you will be so vulnerable after the birth. If you think you are hormonal now, you will get a shock then! You will not be thinking rationally at all so try to create some sort of plan now, even for the first month, around specific days for childcare and specific times for your ex to visit.

I would absolutely supervise all his visits and would be in no rush for his family to meet the baby until you settle into parenting a bit more. It is heartbreaking but I would agree with the other posters who say you need to consider yourself as a single parent because you will be consistently let down by this guy.


Have you got many friends local to you? I know it is a terrible time now for meeting new mams, but maybe look into your local parent and toddler groups. Ciudiu are a great parenting support organisation with lots of groups (new mams, breastfeeding groups, playgroups, coffee mornings etc.) and a lot of them have moved online, with smaller Whatsapp groups locally. It would be great for you to surround yourself with other new mams so that you don't find yourself relying on your ex at all. As someone who struggled with mental health issues after their first child, I think this sort of support is SO important.

shesty

Well I think that should tell you everything really OP.

There is one thing to remember here.I hate to say this because it sounds like I am dismissing your feelings but I am not... but you are literally a bundle of hormones right now.I never took much notice of the idea of hormones, but four days after the birth of my first baby.....they hit.And wow.Hormones in pregnancy are huge.The other thing is that (and I speak as a mother here)....get that baby in your arms and your world will turn on its head.You already love it.When it is here....I cannot describe the feeling.I think it will bring a clarity to your decision making that you can't quite see now.As a mother, the instinct to protect your child is incredibly strong and I suspect you will be guided by that.

Also every parent feels guilt, doubt, worry.Your child will be loved and have faith that you are enough.You are.You can build a life with this baby and it will be happy and loved.I think right now instead of trying to solve it all just maybe decide to keep your ex and his family way out at arm's length, and concentrate on getting yourself through to 40 weeks.Give yourself time and go easy on yourself.

Porklife

I feel so much stronger having just posted here. It's amazing the support you guys offer. Taking everything on board and so grateful to every poster.
I need to start kickboxing or something once my belly isn't so big to unleash all the anger, that's the hardest part really, feeling hard done by. It's very counter productive because while it's healthy to recognise you've been wronged, dwelling on it makes you bitter and ultimately the unhappy one who needs to 'let it go' and 'get over it, he said he wants it now :rolleyes:'.
People get sick of hearing you harping on about the same old things but if theyre unresloved it's very hard to climb over them. I just want someone to care about this little baby as much as I do and I hate his famly for making me feel like an outcast.

Rubberchikken

I think accept that you'll be a single parent to this baby with maybe occasional visits etc from the dad but as it stands he doesn't sound like great father material unless some miracle happens.

A lot of mother's, not just Irish ones:), are like that. The son can do no wrong.

I'm sorry her response initially was so horrible.
While she is the future grandmother, it's your decision who you let into this child's life overall.
Thanks for the update and best of luck.

LegacyUser

I'm a single mom too who split up with dad while pregnant. There wasn't any drama involved but I too had a boy. Honestly, once you have your little fella, you'll get like a mystic revelation that you are this little guy's whole life and that noone should ever treat him or his mom like anything other than with idolisation.
The only advice I can offer is- do not let that child sleep over in a house share where your ex could be doing drugs and you not there to supervise.
Dad can see the baby at your house, under your terms, if you decide that's safe.
Set down very clear boundaries early. I can't stress that enough.
Don't let him or his family waltz into your family home like they have a right.
When granny does come crawling back, the first thing I'd suggest doing is telling her that her communication with the mother of her grandchild was disgusting and you demand an apology for it. And that if she ever dares to disrespect you or your child again, she will feel your wrath.
You need to establish very firm ground rules and boundaries from day 1 no matter what you decide.
Long term could you move home to near your sisters?

heretothere

Sorry to hear that the pregnancy has been tarnished by his reactions. I don't have kids but I'd imagine once you have the baby in your arms the pregnancy hopefully won't matter as much, even though I'm sure you'd have loved it to be a time you could have shared with him.

You say your sisters don't live "here" is that your city? Could one of them come for the birth? Even from somewhere in Europe could hopefully be possible in a few months. Or a really good friend. I know if my friend was going through something like this alone I'd be honoured to be asked. A friend from the USA had her baby here with no family and very few friends. I brought her to some appointments. Not the same situation at all though because she did have her oh here

Porklife

Single mommy wrote: »

I'm a single mom too who split up with dad while pregnant. There wasn't any drama involved but I too had a boy. Honestly, once you have your little fella, you'll get like a mystic revelation that you are this little guy's whole life and that noone should ever treat him or his mom like anything other than with idolisation.
The only advice I can offer is- do not let that child sleep over in a house share where your ex could be doing drugs and you not there to supervise.
Dad can see the baby at your house, under your terms, if you decide that's safe.
Set down very clear boundaries early. I can't stress that enough.
Don't let him or his family waltz into your family home like they have a right.
When granny does come crawling back, the first thing I'd suggest doing is telling her that her communication with the mother of her grandchild was disgusting and you demand an apology for it. And that if she ever dares to disrespect you or your child again, she will feel your wrath.
You need to establish very firm ground rules and boundaries from day 1 no matter what you decide.
Long term could you move home to near your sisters?

Amazing advice and really made me smile. I got this image of his stupid bitch mom crawling to my door and me slamming it in her face:)

My sister lives in Australia so unfortunately moving close to her is not an option. My other sister lives in Germany but her view on this is very much let him back in, you'll need all the help you can get, use him etcetc. I can't do that.
I can't look past how I've been treated and by default how my little guy has been treated.

I'm a strong woman and will do everything in my power to rise above it and be a good mother despite feeling like a piece of **** right now.
I will not let my integrity be compromised or my emotions manipulated. If anyone is gonna tear me down its gonna be me. I won't let them destroy me any further.

Ray of sunshine my arse. Id like to take this ray of sunshine and strangle her with it!

Thanks again folks. It's unreal how helpful posting here is and the perspective and advice given by people. Ive been on boards for years and just think its fantastic support.

December2012

If you felt like you need some support while pregnant, in labour or post natal, you could look at hiring the services of a doula. If you have health insurance, some policies cover the cost. You sound in a better place, good luck with everything. your baby is lucky to have you.

bitofabind

That’s flat out emotional abuse. Your ex sounds like a bully and his mother no better. And I agree with others that this will become very glaringly obvious once your baby is here.

It sounds like you’ve had a lot of trauma in your life Porklife and I know it must be so hard to be going through pregnancy without your parents or a partner. This child deserves the world now so it might help to think of him as a new start and a new standard in terms of what type of behaviour you’re willing to tolerate and what is an absolute dealbreaker. Your drug dealing ex with his gaslighting ways might have had the power to hurt you, but should never hurt or disappoint this innocent child as well. I agree with the advice from Singlemommy - create some very firm boundaries now to get ahead of him and his mum bullying you once he’s been born.

And I agree wholeheartedly about getting an apology from his mother. Maybe you don’t feel up to it now and that’s totally fine. But once you’re ready to deal with her, be damn sure to call out her incredibly heartless and disgusting treatment of you when you first approached her and be very clear that it won’t be glossed over just because she’s changed her tune.

FionMc

Sounds like youre hurt by his three months of denial. But isnt it wonderful that he's come round now and he wants to be there to support the baby? People are flawed and he is no different. some time people make bad decisions. other times they make good decisions slowly. And clearly it was scary for you to be facing this alone. Maybe is a time to feel grateful and look towards a bright future and think about how you can be your best self for you child and maybe you'll patch things up with the father. Maybe you wont. Bu either way your life will go on and new things will unfold. Just take it day by day and try to make preparations as best you can for your and the babies future. The hard part is often the not knowing. Not knowing to what extent he will be part of it. but thats ok too that we dont always know everything straight away. the answers will come.

Porklife

Porklife wrote: »

I am so sad I feel like i#ll ever get over what could have been. I keep thinking how differently it could have been. There was never any need for this amount of pain and anxiety. This poor little kid hasn't done a thing wrong and as his mother i'm crying every day and letting him down. I hate my ex for that and will never forgive him. Ever. I hate being this angry but I actually hate him so much. I don't know how to get past it. Councelling is helpful but not ultimately not a magic wand. I hate him and that's just how it is.

As someone who walked in very similar shoes 25 years ago, I just wanted to address the anger part of it. I get it, completely. You may never forgive him, but you won't stay angry forever. It will pass. Maybe not for a very long time, in my case my child was a few years old before I realised I had let the anger go, but I had to because feeding it was taking up way too much of my energy that I needed for raising my kid! One day I woke up and realised I wasn't angry anymore and I didn't hate him either, I was just completely indifferent to him. It will happen to you too.

spaceHopper

He's put you through a lot, I almost feel sorry for him, kids are hard work but also the best thing that will ever happen to you. He's made a mess of that.

No matter what, keep him at a distance, he might not like is house share but he's be useless dealing with all the work that a young child is.

I wouldn't get hostile with his mother, tell her she backed him up when she really should have listed and been more kind. She should never have attacked you in the way she did. She needs to ask for forgiveness for the sake of her grandchild and she needs to have tough conversation with her son. By the way his new found excitement may be all directed by her! What's his father like?

TheBoyConor

If he wants to see the child let him come over for the afternoon and you can use the time to have a long shower, maybe do some batch cooking for the week, catch up on chores etc whatever makes your life easier.

Are you crazy? The man is a highly unpredictable drug addict. It would be nothing short of wildly neglectful to leave a baby alone with that man, even just to have a shower. No telling what he will do. Could disappear leaving the child alone, could go off with the baby, could have a drug induced heart attack or seizure and drop or crush the child.

That man, in his current state, is not fit to be around a child. He should not have any access to a child until he is proven clean of drugs.

Between his awful behaviour, absconding during pregnancy, and his drug taking, he's nothing but a scumbag.

Tbh, I think you should consider yourself a single parent and act accordingly. He is only going to have a disruptive troublesome effect and make things harder than they already are. His family are toxic.

He needs to earn his right to see the child by clean, responsible, decent behaviour.

Any access should be strictly supervised. Never leave him alone with the child. Ever. Or his toxic family.

Magicmatilda

HI Porklife, I can only imagine how difficult single pregnancy is with no family support. Hopefully once the baby arrives there will be some mother and baby groups running. Make sure to go along, also I know there are groups on rollercoaster and facebook for new mothers. Join those also, As you might find you build up a good network of support from these things.

As for the father, sure he should be part of the child's life for the child's sake, so should granny. But I would not be getting back into a relationship with him.

TheBoyConor

I would also add, DO. NOT. put him down on the birth cert and DO .NOT, under any circumstances live with him.
Doing either will give him more rights.
You do not want this toxic, vile drug abuser, having rights. You want to minimise any influence he has in the child. He has shown he had only capable of negative influence.

I think this removes your ability to get maintenance from him, but realistically, are you going to ever be able to collect anything from him anyway even if there's an agreement?
His addiction, and his own selfish self will come first.

And don't be fooled by him wanting to move in again.. He's just taking it because his house share isn't working out and sees you as vulnerable and wants back in under your roof.

And please don't worry about any silly threats to take the baby away from you. You are a responsible mother it seems. Here in Ireland, it's very very rare to have a child taken away, and it would only be done by court order in the very most extreme cases of neglect, or where the child was in danger from the mother, and where she had already been given numerous chances to improve and multiple interventions have tried and failed. It would only be done as an absolute last resort for the welfare of the child.
I would even say, it doesn't happen half enough.. Children are often left with pathetic excuses for parents, drug addicts, alcohols, abusers and just plain bad horrible nasty people.

So please, do not worry about that for one second. That is not you. You are a caring and responsible mother.

And what's even more unlikely is that the child would be given into the care of a dead beat drug addict. The fact that him and his family they are even considering this mad notion just goes to show how foolish and hair brained they are.

Good riddance too bad rubbish.

Princess Calla

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Are you crazy? The man is a highly unpredictable drug addict. It would be nothing short of wildly neglectful to leave a baby alone with that man, even just to have a shower. No telling what he will do. Could disappear leaving the child alone, could go off with the baby, could have a drug induced heart attack or seizure and drop or crush the child.

That man, in his current state, is not fit to be around a child. He should not have any access to a child until he is proven clean of drugs.

Between his awful behaviour, absconding during pregnancy, and his drug taking, he's nothing but a scumbag.

Tbh, I think you should consider yourself a single parent and act accordingly. He is only going to have a disruptive troublesome effect and make things harder than they already are. His family are toxic.

He needs to earn his right to see the child by clean, responsible, decent behaviour.

Any access should be strictly supervised. Never leave him alone with the child. Ever. Or his toxic family.

He's a "highly unpredictable drug addict" who is also able to maintain a full time job.

I give Porklife enough credit not to let him into the apartment if he's flying as high as a kite.

It's an apartment so I'd imagine pretty open plan, if she's in the kitchen, doing some batch cooking, she can see him.

She can decide herself if she wants to leave him alone while she has a shower etc. I found showering with a newborn extremely stressful when I was alone in the house....jumping out headful of suds dripping wet just because the baby sneezed.... guidelines now are two showers per day after birth ...

He's still the dad, if it goes to court the judge will look at his ability to hold down a full time job etc....he might go for a urine test....but just because the mother says the father uses drugs doesn't mean a judge will accept that....mothers lie (I am not saying Porklife is lying)

Now I suspect he won't be in their lives for long, but he does have rights and he might fight for them even if it's just to be awkward.

TheBoyConor

I think the history that porklife has given here would suggest highly erratic behaviour, a drug addition that has gotten to the point of compulsive lying and hiding drug paraphernalia around the house. An addiction that is so severe, it causes nosebleeds which probably means his nasal passages are beginning to disintegrate from the severity of the drug abuse.

He might have a job, but how long is he going to have that job with the unchecked addiction. God only knows what is happening that OP doesn't know about? He could very easily lose that job either from the addition itself, or if he has done things at work, ie theft, absenteeism, failing a drug test. That is a highly unpredictable man.

Even if OP is in the shower, or kitchen for 5 minutes. Now she has 2 people to watch and supervise instead of just the baby.
He could do anything. He could drop drugs in the apartment by accident and the child could later put it in his mouth. He could have a siezure of stroke and fall on and crush the child.

He has rights, but him getting his rights will be at the expense of the OP and child's right to a stable, safe, drama free family life. That is why i suggest keeping his rights to a minimum by not putting his name on the birth cert and not drawing maintenance, which is unlikely to be forthcoming anyway.

If he is to be in the child's life then there needs to be a clear ultimatum - if he is serious about being there for the child, then the drugs stop. For good. That is the only way to have some sort of half credible basis to consider trusting him. He should be made to take drug tests that are verifiable as being true.

I would also like to say this....if his houseshare was not working out, then what is the reason for that? I would think his drugged out antics being a factor is more than plausible.

wildwillow

Porklife, I've greatly admire you for getting this far.

I would not resume a relationship with him but you may need to allow him be part of the baby's life. I'd be inclined to put it on a legal footing as soon as possible, with maintenance payments and supervised visits.

You need to set definite boundaries, and accept any help apart from him or his family. I wouldn't even bother with his mother and would not allow her access to the baby, Covid being a great excuse now.

Porklife

Thanks again to all who posted. I'm feeling much better today.

My plan is to surround myself with friends and try to just focus on the baby and being fit and healthy for the duration of my pregnancy. Friends may have to be a virtual support and being fit may mean eating biscuits and ice cream but ill be fine

I will definitely be going down the legal road in terms of maintenance and access. I wouldn't trust him to pay regularly otherwise and i also foresee him letting me down alot and being unreliable so id rather that was legally agreed too.

Ive been keeping a journal and someday my little boy will read it and hopefully understand why I made the choices I made. I wont deny his right to be a father but to a large extent i will be cutting him out as much as I can. I've alot of friends who have offered help and support and i think the baby will have a full life. I will devote myself to him and im very much a tomboy so will play the role of mom and dad;)

Zebrag

Hi OP

I can speak from experience of a "father" who isn't a drug user but had the same mindset as your babies father. Everyone else is the problem not him, his mother can't see no wrong in her darling son and the complaining about being in a house that he put himself in. My "father" was the same in that sense and I can promise you, a leopard never changes their spots.

Up until I was 2, he would change his mind depending if the weather that day was in as much of a humour as he was. It was a constant battle with my Mam for him to say Yes or No to arrange a supervised visit. Often it was ignored but my Mam still went about her days and plans and didn't even think for a split second to wonder if he will arrive or even do what fathers are supposed to do and show a hint of interest. Then from 2 until 10 low and behold, he decided he wasn't actually arsed anymore because.... Money. He assumed because my Mam was my full time parent that he got away with the financial aspects which he pretty much did because my Mam didn't want his money. If he didn't care about me then she certainly wasn't going to allow herself to grovel and beg for money. She worked hard. Me and her against the world so to speak. Worked full time, college part time and bought a house.

My "father" well the last I heard from him was yearssss ago (I'm 29 now) and he's still house sharing because his own family have given up listening to him moaning. His mother is still of the understanding that her son is perfect but weirdly does nothing to help him (which in his late 50s doesn't actually need any help) She used to hound my Mam and called social services on her a couple of times when I was younger just out of spite. There was no actual valid reason other than the fact that his mother genuinely didn't like my Mam. That's it. Nothing to do with me. Safe to say I still didn't see my "grandmother" during my childhood.

At 29 now, engaged, in the process of buying a home with my partner. My Mam is still in her own home that she bought almost 20 years ago. My "father", I couldn't even tell you where he is now or what he's doing. As far as I know his mam moved to Dubai with his sister and the only remaining family he has left is his own father who doesn't even want to know him.

Moral of the story.... You're a lot stronger than what you give yourself credit for and if my experiences can teach you anything, is that being a single mother with or without the fathers intention to help doesn't take away the fact that you can do this on your own! You're not alone. He shouldn't dictate on how you should rare your child and you certainly don't need to rely on him for any form of support. Fair play to him if he changes and is willing to support you but as your own person, put your focus on your little one and everything else will fall into place :-)

Also remember, boundaries isn't a bad thing and if you can distance yourself away from his mother as much as you can then that's less stress for you.

You've got this!!

Porklife

Thank you for sharing your story Zebrag. Your mam sounds awesome and is an inspiration. Congratulations on your engagement and house buying. That's fantastic, well done you.
I'm sorry your dad has been such a flake, how disappointing for you. It's just sad really.
Life is a funny old game. Some people would do anything to have children and for a multitude of reasons aren't able to and others throw the chance away.
I'm really gonna try be positive from here on out. No more tears. I can't be acting like a baby if im about to raise one!

TheBoyConor

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I would also add, DO. NOT. put him down on the birth cert and DO .NOT, under any circumstances live with him.
Doing either will give him more rights.

Entering an unmarried father's name on the birth certificate by itself does not give them any rights.

I would encourage you to discuss the birth certificate with the father in advance of the birth and agree what entry will be made.

It's important to remember that a birth certificate belongs to the child and is a record of their identity that they will carry with them through life and it is not supposed to be a reflection of the relationship (good or bad) between the parents.

The child has a right to an accurate record of their birth and both parents.

TheBoyConor

PL i am sure you will be a supermom. You are ahead of the curve already. I think getting into the frame of mind that it is you and your child as the family unit is the right approach.

Entering an unmarried father's name on the birth certificate does not give them any rights.

I would encourage you to discuss the birth certificate with the father in advance of the birth and agree what entry will be made.

It's important to remember that a birth certificate belongs to the child and is a record of their identity that they will carry with them through life and it is not supposed to be a reflection of the relationship (good or bad) between the parents.

The child has a right to an accurate record of their birth and both parents.

The child has the right to that, but it is the mother's job to do what is in the best interests of the child. And sometimes, regretably, it is in the best interests of the child that they are kept away from their father if the father is a going to be a negative or unreliable character.

Birth cert does not give rights per se, but it puts the father in a stronger position to seek and aquire rights.



I know you are saying that you are going the legal route re maintenance etc. That is all fine and good but you need to think very carefully. Even if you get court ordered maintenance, it is quite possible that you will never see a penny of it or you will have to drag it out of him at such effort that it is hardly worth it. With his drug use, he could very easily wind up sacked and unemployed, or even just be flat out unwilling or incapable of paying
you maintenance, be it voluntarily or court ordered. And to get maintenance he needs to be on the birth cert.
(you must remember that for a drug user, the addiction is their everything and will come before anything, their family, their child, their own health, will all be second fiddle to the substance of their addiction)

So you could, potentially, be in a position where you have bestowed the potential to acquire rights onto him by putting him on the birth cert, taken on consequent burdens, but be getting nothing from in maintenance wise. Not a great corner to back yourself into.

I would suggest this - with the aid of a solicitor, see can he be induced to commit to and pay maintenance voluntarily, and leave him off of the birth cert. If that works, then well and good. Leave it at that.

You should be aware, having his name on the birth cert only benefits him - it does nothing of practical benefit for you or the child (if he cant'/wont pay manintenance) - and it puts burden on you.

My advice is to leave him off of the birth cert. And keep him off of it for as long as possible, until and unless there is a substantial and compelling reason to have him put on it.

Know this - if he is not on the birth cert, it is very easy to add him on to it later. BUT, if he is on it from day one, then that is it. It is down in ink - he cannot be removed from the cert at all then, nomatter how much you might need or want to have him off of it.
So tread very, very carefully in this regard.

Fathers have rights, but imo they are rights that are not absolute - they must be earned, and retained, only through good deeds and being of good character.

TheBoyConor

TheBoyConor wrote: »

That is why i suggest keeping his rights to a minimum by not putting his name on the birth cert and not drawing maintenance, which is unlikely to be forthcoming anyway.

Porklife, I suggest you read up on www.treoir.ie about what actual rights your child's father will have, and how he can aquire more via the courts.

The courts here do not consider children as "pay per view". Access, guardianship and maintenance issues are all treated as separate and unrelated matters by the Family Courts, and are granted or removed in the best interest of the child. Not the parents.

E.g. His guardianship rights will not hinge on whether he pays maintenance or not. Even a father who does not pay maintenance will not be denied access.

You dont have to worry about this right now, but no harm informing yourself with accurate information.

I'm not here to debate with you TheBoyConor, but to offer advice the OP.

Having walked in this path I am also very, very familiar with this area of family law, and how they operate in these matters.

It's a shame you've already decided you are qualified to write this child's father off before the child is even born and are advising Porklife down a path that will guarantee to inflame the situtation and create an acrimonious relationship well into the future.

What I will say is that sometimes having a baby is not only the making of a woman, but it can also be the making of a man.

TheBoyConor

the father is the source of his own writing off.

Have a read through again and look at the despicable way he has behaved, and the horrid things he has said.
That is no fit way for the father of a child to behave.

And that is all before we even get to his drug addiction

Loveinapril

A birth certificate is a document recording the details for the birth of a child. No matter how much of a d!ck the father of this baby is, the child has a right to have his birth information recorded accurately. The father should not have to "earn" his name on a legal document pertaining to his son.

OP, I really admire the strength and resilience you have shown here. You are already a bloody great mother!

Neyite

I've seen a few friends go into single parenthood. I've seen a few men who had awful reactions to a pregnancy but turned out to be decent dads, and others who were full of promises in the beginning but left the mother of his child high and dry.

If I were you I'd be wary about him and his family. You don't have to bend to any demands his mother/family might make, they have zero rights here. He has rights - or rather the child has rights and he's got responsibilities but if he's serious about being a proper father, he's got months after the birth to show you. You could do mediation with him but remember that a baby won't be doing overnights for many months and longer if breastfed. . You get to decide who meets your baby and when. I think that you come across as someone who would be fair, but no walk-over and that's the way you should continue.

Right now, detach from the lot of them entirely. You have more important things to focus on and their feelings on your pregnancy or plans for the future are utterly irrelevant. I wouldn't tell them you are in labour. The last thing you need is his mother outside the labour ward /antenatal causing a fuss. Covid restrictions might work well in your favour here.

In terms of what you need for the baby, do you have what you need?

Last thing I will say.

The relationship between a parent (be it mother or father) and their child is separate to the relationship between the mother and father.

Co-parenting when you are not in a relationship is not easy, but to do it successfully, each parent has to be prepared to put their child first, and sometimes that means putting your own feelings aside.

Don't make the mistake of thinking the Family Courts are there to enforce the mother's wishes. They are there to uphold the child's rights first and foremost, and that includes the right to a relationship with both their parents.

If allowed to, your child will love their other parent whether you do or not. Just because someone is or was a crap partner does not mean they will be a crap parent, and none of us are perfect parents straight out of the gate.

Good luck, Porklife.

Porklife

I've been reading Treoir and also have a friend working in Citizens Advice who has been a fountain of information.
I don't want to be unfair and I'd like my little boy to have a father figure. Something intuitive tells me he probably will be a good father but our relationship is so broken that co patenting is going to prove very hard.

Theboyconner, i appreciate your kind words and advice but i will definitely let him have his name on the birth cert. It's his child and regardless of my feelings towards him, the little guy deserves to have an authentic identity. They could end up having an amazing relationship.

In relation to his drug use, yeah its a big concern. It's not a weekend thing, he'd think nothing of doing lines on a Tuesday. There are two saving graces though...one, he won't be having him overnight for a very long time if ever and two, he doesnt actually change much when he does coke. He gets more chatty but that's about it. He doesn't drastically change his behaviour and to be honest if he wasn't doing it im front of me, i may not even realise. That's not to say it's in any way ok or acceptable but it's something i guess.

Thanks again folks.