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Child Item

Pregnant and alone update

Porklife

Hey all

Hope everyone is keeping well during this seemingly endless lockdown.

I started a thread back in September having just found out I'm pregnant. The father of the baby moved out of our apartment days later and is still living in a flatshare. He hates living there and bitches about it all the time but that's a different story.

As I waddle into my third trimester, I was hoping to hear any advice or opinions you guys might have on the current situation. I received so much guidance and support on my last thread and it really helped me at a very vulnerable time. The thread really saved me at that time and thanks again to all who replied.

The way it stands now is he decided after 3 months of zero support that he actually wants the baby. After he moved out, I called his mom one day to see if she knew i was pregnant and her thoughts. Ive only met her a few times and have always been lovely to her, brought her wine and biscuits as a thanks for having us over and got on well with her. Her reaction was shocking. She said how do i know the baby is even his. She shouted at me and said if i dare tell anyone he wanted an abortion shed come to my house and sort me out. How dare I say he wants an abortion, he is an honourable man who would never say such a thing. I was very upset after the call and havnt heard from her or anyone on his family since bar the odd text saying...glad your scan went well.

Anyway, around Christmas he decided he wants the baby and apparently his whole family are now really excited. I got a random text the other night from his mom saying hello..We are super excited about the ray of sunshine and can't wait!!! Its as if nothing bad has happened.

There have been so many horrible moments over the past few months. Too much to go into here but mostly me desperately asking for his help and him coldly saying no chance. I dont have family here and have been going through the pregnancy alone.

I guess im asking how do i handle this from here on out? For the sake of the baby id like him to have a father in his life but im so broken from all this guy has put me through.

He is a coke addict too so very sneaky by nature of that and he lies about things so i have zero trust in him.

Any thoughts very welcome and thanks for reading if you got this far.

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spaceHopper

He's put you through a lot, I almost feel sorry for him, kids are hard work but also the best thing that will ever happen to you. He's made a mess of that.

No matter what, keep him at a distance, he might not like is house share but he's be useless dealing with all the work that a young child is.

I wouldn't get hostile with his mother, tell her she backed him up when she really should have listed and been more kind. She should never have attacked you in the way she did. She needs to ask for forgiveness for the sake of her grandchild and she needs to have tough conversation with her son. By the way his new found excitement may be all directed by her! What's his father like?

TheBoyConor

If he wants to see the child let him come over for the afternoon and you can use the time to have a long shower, maybe do some batch cooking for the week, catch up on chores etc whatever makes your life easier.

Are you crazy? The man is a highly unpredictable drug addict. It would be nothing short of wildly neglectful to leave a baby alone with that man, even just to have a shower. No telling what he will do. Could disappear leaving the child alone, could go off with the baby, could have a drug induced heart attack or seizure and drop or crush the child.

That man, in his current state, is not fit to be around a child. He should not have any access to a child until he is proven clean of drugs.

Between his awful behaviour, absconding during pregnancy, and his drug taking, he's nothing but a scumbag.

Tbh, I think you should consider yourself a single parent and act accordingly. He is only going to have a disruptive troublesome effect and make things harder than they already are. His family are toxic.

He needs to earn his right to see the child by clean, responsible, decent behaviour.

Any access should be strictly supervised. Never leave him alone with the child. Ever. Or his toxic family.

Magicmatilda

HI Porklife, I can only imagine how difficult single pregnancy is with no family support. Hopefully once the baby arrives there will be some mother and baby groups running. Make sure to go along, also I know there are groups on rollercoaster and facebook for new mothers. Join those also, As you might find you build up a good network of support from these things.

As for the father, sure he should be part of the child's life for the child's sake, so should granny. But I would not be getting back into a relationship with him.

TheBoyConor

I would also add, DO. NOT. put him down on the birth cert and DO .NOT, under any circumstances live with him.
Doing either will give him more rights.
You do not want this toxic, vile drug abuser, having rights. You want to minimise any influence he has in the child. He has shown he had only capable of negative influence.

I think this removes your ability to get maintenance from him, but realistically, are you going to ever be able to collect anything from him anyway even if there's an agreement?
His addiction, and his own selfish self will come first.

And don't be fooled by him wanting to move in again.. He's just taking it because his house share isn't working out and sees you as vulnerable and wants back in under your roof.

And please don't worry about any silly threats to take the baby away from you. You are a responsible mother it seems. Here in Ireland, it's very very rare to have a child taken away, and it would only be done by court order in the very most extreme cases of neglect, or where the child was in danger from the mother, and where she had already been given numerous chances to improve and multiple interventions have tried and failed. It would only be done as an absolute last resort for the welfare of the child.
I would even say, it doesn't happen half enough.. Children are often left with pathetic excuses for parents, drug addicts, alcohols, abusers and just plain bad horrible nasty people.

So please, do not worry about that for one second. That is not you. You are a caring and responsible mother.

And what's even more unlikely is that the child would be given into the care of a dead beat drug addict. The fact that him and his family they are even considering this mad notion just goes to show how foolish and hair brained they are.

Good riddance too bad rubbish.

Princess Calla

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Are you crazy? The man is a highly unpredictable drug addict. It would be nothing short of wildly neglectful to leave a baby alone with that man, even just to have a shower. No telling what he will do. Could disappear leaving the child alone, could go off with the baby, could have a drug induced heart attack or seizure and drop or crush the child.

That man, in his current state, is not fit to be around a child. He should not have any access to a child until he is proven clean of drugs.

Between his awful behaviour, absconding during pregnancy, and his drug taking, he's nothing but a scumbag.

Tbh, I think you should consider yourself a single parent and act accordingly. He is only going to have a disruptive troublesome effect and make things harder than they already are. His family are toxic.

He needs to earn his right to see the child by clean, responsible, decent behaviour.

Any access should be strictly supervised. Never leave him alone with the child. Ever. Or his toxic family.

He's a "highly unpredictable drug addict" who is also able to maintain a full time job.

I give Porklife enough credit not to let him into the apartment if he's flying as high as a kite.

It's an apartment so I'd imagine pretty open plan, if she's in the kitchen, doing some batch cooking, she can see him.

She can decide herself if she wants to leave him alone while she has a shower etc. I found showering with a newborn extremely stressful when I was alone in the house....jumping out headful of suds dripping wet just because the baby sneezed.... guidelines now are two showers per day after birth ...

He's still the dad, if it goes to court the judge will look at his ability to hold down a full time job etc....he might go for a urine test....but just because the mother says the father uses drugs doesn't mean a judge will accept that....mothers lie (I am not saying Porklife is lying)

Now I suspect he won't be in their lives for long, but he does have rights and he might fight for them even if it's just to be awkward.

TheBoyConor

I think the history that porklife has given here would suggest highly erratic behaviour, a drug addition that has gotten to the point of compulsive lying and hiding drug paraphernalia around the house. An addiction that is so severe, it causes nosebleeds which probably means his nasal passages are beginning to disintegrate from the severity of the drug abuse.

He might have a job, but how long is he going to have that job with the unchecked addiction. God only knows what is happening that OP doesn't know about? He could very easily lose that job either from the addition itself, or if he has done things at work, ie theft, absenteeism, failing a drug test. That is a highly unpredictable man.

Even if OP is in the shower, or kitchen for 5 minutes. Now she has 2 people to watch and supervise instead of just the baby.
He could do anything. He could drop drugs in the apartment by accident and the child could later put it in his mouth. He could have a siezure of stroke and fall on and crush the child.

He has rights, but him getting his rights will be at the expense of the OP and child's right to a stable, safe, drama free family life. That is why i suggest keeping his rights to a minimum by not putting his name on the birth cert and not drawing maintenance, which is unlikely to be forthcoming anyway.

If he is to be in the child's life then there needs to be a clear ultimatum - if he is serious about being there for the child, then the drugs stop. For good. That is the only way to have some sort of half credible basis to consider trusting him. He should be made to take drug tests that are verifiable as being true.

I would also like to say this....if his houseshare was not working out, then what is the reason for that? I would think his drugged out antics being a factor is more than plausible.

wildwillow

Porklife, I've greatly admire you for getting this far.

I would not resume a relationship with him but you may need to allow him be part of the baby's life. I'd be inclined to put it on a legal footing as soon as possible, with maintenance payments and supervised visits.

You need to set definite boundaries, and accept any help apart from him or his family. I wouldn't even bother with his mother and would not allow her access to the baby, Covid being a great excuse now.

Porklife

Thanks again to all who posted. I'm feeling much better today.

My plan is to surround myself with friends and try to just focus on the baby and being fit and healthy for the duration of my pregnancy. Friends may have to be a virtual support and being fit may mean eating biscuits and ice cream but ill be fine

I will definitely be going down the legal road in terms of maintenance and access. I wouldn't trust him to pay regularly otherwise and i also foresee him letting me down alot and being unreliable so id rather that was legally agreed too.

Ive been keeping a journal and someday my little boy will read it and hopefully understand why I made the choices I made. I wont deny his right to be a father but to a large extent i will be cutting him out as much as I can. I've alot of friends who have offered help and support and i think the baby will have a full life. I will devote myself to him and im very much a tomboy so will play the role of mom and dad;)

Zebrag

Hi OP

I can speak from experience of a "father" who isn't a drug user but had the same mindset as your babies father. Everyone else is the problem not him, his mother can't see no wrong in her darling son and the complaining about being in a house that he put himself in. My "father" was the same in that sense and I can promise you, a leopard never changes their spots.

Up until I was 2, he would change his mind depending if the weather that day was in as much of a humour as he was. It was a constant battle with my Mam for him to say Yes or No to arrange a supervised visit. Often it was ignored but my Mam still went about her days and plans and didn't even think for a split second to wonder if he will arrive or even do what fathers are supposed to do and show a hint of interest. Then from 2 until 10 low and behold, he decided he wasn't actually arsed anymore because.... Money. He assumed because my Mam was my full time parent that he got away with the financial aspects which he pretty much did because my Mam didn't want his money. If he didn't care about me then she certainly wasn't going to allow herself to grovel and beg for money. She worked hard. Me and her against the world so to speak. Worked full time, college part time and bought a house.

My "father" well the last I heard from him was yearssss ago (I'm 29 now) and he's still house sharing because his own family have given up listening to him moaning. His mother is still of the understanding that her son is perfect but weirdly does nothing to help him (which in his late 50s doesn't actually need any help) She used to hound my Mam and called social services on her a couple of times when I was younger just out of spite. There was no actual valid reason other than the fact that his mother genuinely didn't like my Mam. That's it. Nothing to do with me. Safe to say I still didn't see my "grandmother" during my childhood.

At 29 now, engaged, in the process of buying a home with my partner. My Mam is still in her own home that she bought almost 20 years ago. My "father", I couldn't even tell you where he is now or what he's doing. As far as I know his mam moved to Dubai with his sister and the only remaining family he has left is his own father who doesn't even want to know him.

Moral of the story.... You're a lot stronger than what you give yourself credit for and if my experiences can teach you anything, is that being a single mother with or without the fathers intention to help doesn't take away the fact that you can do this on your own! You're not alone. He shouldn't dictate on how you should rare your child and you certainly don't need to rely on him for any form of support. Fair play to him if he changes and is willing to support you but as your own person, put your focus on your little one and everything else will fall into place :-)

Also remember, boundaries isn't a bad thing and if you can distance yourself away from his mother as much as you can then that's less stress for you.

You've got this!!

Porklife

Thank you for sharing your story Zebrag. Your mam sounds awesome and is an inspiration. Congratulations on your engagement and house buying. That's fantastic, well done you.
I'm sorry your dad has been such a flake, how disappointing for you. It's just sad really.
Life is a funny old game. Some people would do anything to have children and for a multitude of reasons aren't able to and others throw the chance away.
I'm really gonna try be positive from here on out. No more tears. I can't be acting like a baby if im about to raise one!

[Deleted User]

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I would also add, DO. NOT. put him down on the birth cert and DO .NOT, under any circumstances live with him.
Doing either will give him more rights.

Entering an unmarried father's name on the birth certificate by itself does not give them any rights.

I would encourage you to discuss the birth certificate with the father in advance of the birth and agree what entry will be made.

It's important to remember that a birth certificate belongs to the child and is a record of their identity that they will carry with them through life and it is not supposed to be a reflection of the relationship (good or bad) between the parents.

The child has a right to an accurate record of their birth and both parents.

TheBoyConor

PL i am sure you will be a supermom. You are ahead of the curve already. I think getting into the frame of mind that it is you and your child as the family unit is the right approach.

Entering an unmarried father's name on the birth certificate does not give them any rights.

I would encourage you to discuss the birth certificate with the father in advance of the birth and agree what entry will be made.

It's important to remember that a birth certificate belongs to the child and is a record of their identity that they will carry with them through life and it is not supposed to be a reflection of the relationship (good or bad) between the parents.

The child has a right to an accurate record of their birth and both parents.

The child has the right to that, but it is the mother's job to do what is in the best interests of the child. And sometimes, regretably, it is in the best interests of the child that they are kept away from their father if the father is a going to be a negative or unreliable character.

Birth cert does not give rights per se, but it puts the father in a stronger position to seek and aquire rights.

I know you are saying that you are going the legal route re maintenance etc. That is all fine and good but you need to think very carefully. Even if you get court ordered maintenance, it is quite possible that you will never see a penny of it or you will have to drag it out of him at such effort that it is hardly worth it. With his drug use, he could very easily wind up sacked and unemployed, or even just be flat out unwilling or incapable of paying
you maintenance, be it voluntarily or court ordered. And to get maintenance he needs to be on the birth cert.
(you must remember that for a drug user, the addiction is their everything and will come before anything, their family, their child, their own health, will all be second fiddle to the substance of their addiction)

So you could, potentially, be in a position where you have bestowed the potential to acquire rights onto him by putting him on the birth cert, taken on consequent burdens, but be getting nothing from in maintenance wise. Not a great corner to back yourself into.

I would suggest this - with the aid of a solicitor, see can he be induced to commit to and pay maintenance voluntarily, and leave him off of the birth cert. If that works, then well and good. Leave it at that.

You should be aware, having his name on the birth cert only benefits him - it does nothing of practical benefit for you or the child (if he cant'/wont pay manintenance) - and it puts burden on you.

My advice is to leave him off of the birth cert. And keep him off of it for as long as possible, until and unless there is a substantial and compelling reason to have him put on it.

Know this - if he is not on the birth cert, it is very easy to add him on to it later. BUT, if he is on it from day one, then that is it. It is down in ink - he cannot be removed from the cert at all then, nomatter how much you might need or want to have him off of it.
So tread very, very carefully in this regard.

Fathers have rights, but imo they are rights that are not absolute - they must be earned, and retained, only through good deeds and being of good character.

[Deleted User]

TheBoyConor wrote: »

That is why i suggest keeping his rights to a minimum by not putting his name on the birth cert and not drawing maintenance, which is unlikely to be forthcoming anyway.

Porklife, I suggest you read up on www.treoir.ie about what actual rights your child's father will have, and how he can aquire more via the courts.

The courts here do not consider children as "pay per view". Access, guardianship and maintenance issues are all treated as separate and unrelated matters by the Family Courts, and are granted or removed in the best interest of the child. Not the parents.

E.g. His guardianship rights will not hinge on whether he pays maintenance or not. Even a father who does not pay maintenance will not be denied access.

You dont have to worry about this right now, but no harm informing yourself with accurate information.

[Deleted User]

I'm not here to debate with you TheBoyConor, but to offer advice the OP.

Having walked in this path I am also very, very familiar with this area of family law, and how they operate in these matters.

It's a shame you've already decided you are qualified to write this child's father off before the child is even born and are advising Porklife down a path that will guarantee to inflame the situtation and create an acrimonious relationship well into the future.

What I will say is that sometimes having a baby is not only the making of a woman, but it can also be the making of a man.

TheBoyConor

the father is the source of his own writing off.

Have a read through again and look at the despicable way he has behaved, and the horrid things he has said.
That is no fit way for the father of a child to behave.

And that is all before we even get to his drug addiction

Neyite

I've seen a few friends go into single parenthood. I've seen a few men who had awful reactions to a pregnancy but turned out to be decent dads, and others who were full of promises in the beginning but left the mother of his child high and dry.

If I were you I'd be wary about him and his family. You don't have to bend to any demands his mother/family might make, they have zero rights here. He has rights - or rather the child has rights and he's got responsibilities but if he's serious about being a proper father, he's got months after the birth to show you. You could do mediation with him but remember that a baby won't be doing overnights for many months and longer if breastfed.

. You get to decide who meets your baby and when. I think that you come across as someone who would be fair, but no walk-over and that's the way you should continue.

Right now, detach from the lot of them entirely. You have more important things to focus on and their feelings on your pregnancy or plans for the future are utterly irrelevant. I wouldn't tell them you are in labour. The last thing you need is his mother outside the labour ward /antenatal causing a fuss. Covid restrictions might work well in your favour here.

In terms of what you need for the baby, do you have what you need?

[Deleted User]

Last thing I will say.

The relationship between a parent (be it mother or father) and their child is separate to the relationship between the mother and father.

Co-parenting when you are not in a relationship is not easy, but to do it successfully, each parent has to be prepared to put their child first, and sometimes that means putting your own feelings aside.

Don't make the mistake of thinking the Family Courts are there to enforce the mother's wishes. They are there to uphold the child's rights first and foremost, and that includes the right to a relationship with both their parents.

If allowed to, your child will love their other parent whether you do or not. Just because someone is or was a crap partner does not mean they will be a crap parent, and none of us are perfect parents straight out of the gate.

Good luck, Porklife.

Porklife

I've been reading Treoir and also have a friend working in Citizens Advice who has been a fountain of information.
I don't want to be unfair and I'd like my little boy to have a father figure. Something intuitive tells me he probably will be a good father but our relationship is so broken that co patenting is going to prove very hard.

Theboyconner, i appreciate your kind words and advice but i will definitely let him have his name on the birth cert. It's his child and regardless of my feelings towards him, the little guy deserves to have an authentic identity. They could end up having an amazing relationship.

In relation to his drug use, yeah its a big concern. It's not a weekend thing, he'd think nothing of doing lines on a Tuesday. There are two saving graces though...one, he won't be having him overnight for a very long time if ever and two, he doesnt actually change much when he does coke. He gets more chatty but that's about it. He doesn't drastically change his behaviour and to be honest if he wasn't doing it im front of me, i may not even realise. That's not to say it's in any way ok or acceptable but it's something i guess.

Thanks again folks.

TheBoyConor

Fair enough.

I understand that you want the child to have a father figure, but this man, as he is, is not an appropriate father figure or role model.
He is a coked out dog addict, and despite how he may act when not stressed, he is still an addict and like all addicts, he will put his addiction before everything. That I can tell your as a certainty. I have seen it so many times with people I know. He will put cocaine before you, be will put cocaine before his own health, and he will put cocaine before the well-being of his own son. And he will do this until he has addressed good addiction in a mall l meaningful way. I have seen all this play out enough times to write a book on it, trust me.

All I can suggest now is to tell him that he can only go on the birth cert and have supervised access to the baby on the condition that kicks the drug habit and enrolls on a drug rehabilitation program, and sticks to it in a way that is verifiable by you.
If he is serious about this child, he will make the effort. If he cannot make that effort, will that tells it's own story.

To be honest, I think you are massively underplaying the significance of his drug addiction. This is not a sly joint here and there....this is heavy, sustained and compulsive use of hard drugs. To the point that his nasal passages are disintegrating leading to the heavy nosebleeds.

And another thing.... Think of all that money that he blows up his nose.. Wouldn't that be very helpful for paying towards things for the baby?

Ask yourself this honestly....., if he had €500 in his hand of a Friday evening now, would be likely to buy things to help you with the baby (maybe offer to put it towards a doula) or, would he just snuff the lot up his beak?
I mean, he knows there's a baby on the way, but Which would he do?

Airyfairy12

Mothers have allot to answer for. They let their bratty sons get away with everything, do everything for them then they grow up into spoiled immature men/children that cant take any responsibility for themselves.
If it was me in your position, I would keep the relationship with the father casual, I wouldnt want to be with him romantically and my only ties to him would be the child & keeping a friendly/civil relationship for the sake of the baby. Id consider him a casual friend that you happen to share a child with. He doesnt seem dependable or the relationship type and he's put you through hell so why give him that chance again?

Airyfairy12

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Fair enough.

I understand that you want the child to have a father figure, but this man, as he is, is not an appropriate father figure or role model.
He is a coked out dog addict, and despite how he may act when not stressed, he is still an addict and like all addicts, he will put his addiction before everything. That I can tell your as a certainty. I have seen it so many times with people I know. He will put cocaine before you, be will put cocaine before his own health, and he will put cocaine before the well-being of his own son. And he will do this until he has addressed good addiction in a mall l meaningful way. I have seen all this play out enough times to write a book on it, trust me.

All I can suggest now is to tell him that he can only go on the birth cert and have supervised access to the baby on the condition that kicks the drug habit and enrolls on a drug rehabilitation program, and sticks to it in a way that is verifiable by you.
If he is serious about this child, he will make the effort. If he cannot make that effort, will that tells it's own story.

To be honest, I think you are massively underplaying the significance of his drug addiction. This is not a sly joint here and there....this is heavy, sustained and compulsive use of hard drugs. To the point that his nasal passages are disintegrating leading to the heavy nosebleeds.

And another thing.... Think of all that money that he blows up his nose.. Wouldn't that be very helpful for paying towards things for the baby?

Ask yourself this honestly....., if he had €500 in his hand of a Friday evening now, would be likely to buy things to help you with the baby (maybe offer to put it towards a doula) or, would he just snuff the lot up his beak?
I mean, he knows there's a baby on the way, but Which would he do?

Regardless of the type of person he is or how responsible he is, he has much of a right to a relationship with his child as the mother.
She cant use their child to control him & tell him what to do, the child shouldnt be caught in the middle & used as leverage.
She has enough on her plate without taking on her ex like another child and try to cure his drug habit or straighten him out, thats not her responsibility and it could lead to him resenting her & the child.

Purple Mountain

Nothing really to add except to say you are amazing Porklife.
You sound very capable, grounded and balanced.
Lean on your friends as much as you can, take all the offers you get.
Maybe your sister in Germany could get to you for a bit in the summer?
I for one absolutely agree with you about the birth cert. Your son has a right to his identity. Also, from memory, there was some legislation a few years ago, where both names must be on a birth certificate unless the circumstances are exceptional.
You sound so strong, your son is so lucky!
Like someone said above, start preparing now. I stocked up on nappies, wipes, vests, babygros every week from trimester 3.
Also, if your friend works in Citizens Info, I'm sure you've asked them to explore your rights for One Parent Family or Working Payment Family Divided social welfare payments?
Also once you register the birth, you can apply for Child Benefit which is €140 per month and don't forget to claim your tax credit as a single parent too.
Every little helps (working single parent also!)
Best of luck!!

Zebrag

Porklife wrote: »

Thank you for sharing your story Zebrag. Your mam sounds awesome and is an inspiration. Congratulations on your engagement and house buying. That's fantastic, well done you.
I'm sorry your dad has been such a flake, how disappointing for you. It's just sad really.
Life is a funny old game. Some people would do anything to have children and for a multitude of reasons aren't able to and others throw the chance away.
I'm really gonna try be positive from here on out. No more tears. I can't be acting like a baby if im about to raise one!

Honestly Porklife, the only person he disappointed was himself. The only thing I missed out on was extra presents for occasions and even then my Mam made sure to double up! I'm not disappointed whatever. I was no means spoiled but I wasn't under any illusion that because I didn't have my dad around didn't mean I was left out. Sure I have my granddad who's been there since day one and is also my Godfather and I think that's a lot better to be honest

Don't cry for anyone who won't cry over you. Belive me. He knew how easy he had things and fecked it up royally. It's his loss, not yours. If anything you've gained a thousand more than he ever will.

In regards to the birth cirtificate, the only reason my Mam didn't have my father's name down was because it wasn't too long after I was born that she found out that when I turned 16 and my mam had her own possession like a house, regardless if my dad was in my life or not, he was my next of kin so to speak and had rights to take over if anything was to happen to her. She put a stop to that as she new herself and so did he that he genuinely didn't give two dogs bollocks about me so she wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of knowing all her hard work was going to be given to him freely. Now that was in '92 so I'm not sure if things have changed. I jusy want to make that aware that when your little one is under 16 (could be 18) and the father is on the cert, he would have rights to some degree. I'm not saying don't put him down on the cert as I highly agree that every child as a right to know who their father is but I do want to make you aware that if he's on the cert, he's entitled to take over basically. Again '92, things have probably changed since then

[Deleted User]

Zebrag wrote: »

In regards to the birth cirtificate, the only reason my Mam didn't have my father's name down was because it wasn't too long after I was born that she found out that when I turned 16 and my mam had her own possession like a house, regardless if my dad was in my life or not, he was my next of kin so to speak and had rights to take over if anything was to happen to her.

It doesn't quite work like that, but it is something to think about that is often overlooked.

Porklife, once your baby is born you should make a Will, (even if you don't own any property) naming someone you trust to act as "Testamentary Guardian" for your baby, who would then step in and act in your place in the event that something happened to you. The Testamentary Guardian would have the right to a say in what happens to your baby, including the right to apply for guardianship (or joint guardianship), joint custody and day to day care of your child themselves.

Porklife

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Nothing really to add except to say you are amazing Porklife.
You sound very capable, grounded and balanced.
Lean on your friends as much as you can, take all the offers you get.
Maybe your sister in Germany could get to you for a bit in the summer?
I for one absolutely agree with you about the birth cert. Your son has a right to his identity. Also, from memory, there was some legislation a few years ago, where both names must be on a birth certificate unless the circumstances are exceptional.
You sound so strong, your son is so lucky!
Like someone said above, start preparing now. I stocked up on nappies, wipes, vests, babygros every week from trimester 3.
Also, if your friend works in Citizens Info, I'm sure you've asked them to explore your rights for One Parent Family or Working Payment Family Divided social welfare payments?
Also once you register the birth, you can apply for Child Benefit which is €140 per month and don't forget to claim your tax credit as a single parent too.
Every little helps (working single parent also!)
Best of luck!!

Thank you so much Purple

:):):) Just a lovely post. Yep, I've looked into One Parent Payment and have loads of onesies and little tops for him. I'm a sucker for dinosaurs.. if i see a dinosaur on a top I'm like... i'll take 10!! This little due is gonna be ok. As for me, well writing here has massively helped and hopefully as time goes by I start to feel better. It's so crazy. I can't tell if it's hormones or if i'm just insane but one minute i'm so happy and the next i'm in floods of tears. Let's hope it's just hormones and if so.. jesus, they're a right bastard aren't they!! I rememeber my sister saying when she was pregnat she just left one evenng. She stood up, looked at her partner and said.. well, that's me done.. see ya

She went to her firends house for a week to get her **** together.
Roll on May, thats all I can say

Zebrag

[Deleted User] wrote: »

It doesn't quite work like that, but it is something to think about that is often overlooked.

My Mam was told this by a solicitor when she went to fight the rights to remove all access as my dad just stopped and kept dancing in and out. She didn't want his money but his rights removed she so she was advised to either remove his name to not give him any chances or add his name and give him more rights. Either solicitor was the chap from Better Call Saul or my mam made this up..... Suffice to say he had no rights from the time she removed him and he's none the wiser to my life

[Deleted User]

Zebrag wrote: »

My Mam was told this by a solicitor when she went to fight the rights to remove all access as my dad just stopped and kept dancing in and out. She didn't want his money but his rights removed she so she was advised to either remove his name to not give him any chances or add his name and give him more rights. Either solicitor was the chap from Better Call Saul or my mam made this up..... Suffice to say he had no rights from the time she removed him and he's none the wiser to my life

Removed his name from what?!?!

Zebrag

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Removed his name from what?!?!

Read previous post you answered too. Birth certificate

[Deleted User]

Zebrag wrote: »

Read previous post you answered too. Birth certificate

Okay, well, I don't know what advice your mother was given in 1992, but I do know it's not relevant to Porklife in 2021. Back in the 90s entering an unmarried father's name on a birth certificate did not grant any them any automatic rights, and by itself, it still doesn't today. The only grounds I know of that allows for the removal of a father's details from a bc is where its shown he is not the biological father.

If your mother had passed away while you were still a minor, your father could still have made an application to the courts for guardianship and custody of you, irrespective of what was on your birth certificate.

Fathers can apply for access, custody and guardianship right up until a child's 18th birthday.

HildaOgdenx

Neyite wrote: »

Right now, detach from the lot of them entirely. You have more important things to focus on and their feelings on your pregnancy or plans for the future are utterly irrelevant. I wouldn't tell them you are in labour. The last thing you need is his mother outside the labour ward /antenatal causing a fuss. Covid restrictions might work well in your favour here.

In terms of what you need for the baby, do you have what you need?

Porklife, I'm not going to add a huge amount to the thread. A lot of good advice already given, imo.

I'm just going to say that you're a lot stronger than you even think you are. And I'm going to echo what Neyite has said. Yes, there's a lot to work out. Of course there is. And do grab hold of all the information you can in relation to legalities and whatever else.

But, for now, step back, give yourself a break and when you're ready, focus on the purely practical stuff. The lists, the hospital bag, the nitty gritty stuff...all of that.

Mind yourself.
You are going to be a great mother.