Best insult you ever heard

beerguts · 02-02-2021 1:58am #1

Would anyone like to share the best or funniest insults you ever heard and what happened after it was delivered.

The best one that I have heard I still don't really understand but the aftermath was priceless.

Several years ago I had a lads weekend in Kilkenny and on the second night I had finished up drinking and was getting a pizza in a takeaway. Two local lads were mouthing off at one another beside me in the queue, nothing really serious and it petered out after a few minutes. Then one of the lads turned to the other after he had gotten his own pizza and said "Ya nothing but a Wexford Strawberry kid". The insulted lad got into a blind rage threw the pizza on the ground and started throwing slaps at the other, with both ending up on the ground rolling on the pizza. What made it funny was a few others chanting "Strawberry" at the two lads while throwing food at them. I still dont know what the insults means but it was funny as fook

IrishLad90 · 02-02-2021 2:00am

Hahaha quality, my one liner seems irrelevant now

MyStubbleItches · 02-02-2021 2:00am

There’s two prícks in this pub and you’re the both of them.

Cerveza · 02-02-2021 2:01am

Offs that’s stupid.

smellyoldboot · 02-02-2021 2:02am

If you hurry home you might beat your father to your sister.

Princess Calla · 02-02-2021 2:02am

He probably had relations , mam /dad from wexford. Wexford is known for strawberry growing......so the insult was aimed at his family I suppose.

The Facebook thread usually has a few cracking insults in it......the aftermath is anyone's guess.

punisher5112 · 02-02-2021 2:03am

Your ma

punisher5112 · 02-02-2021 2:04am

That's what your ma said last night

punisher5112 · 02-02-2021 2:04am

Up your ma

punisher5112 · 02-02-2021 2:05am

Not what your ma said last night

dotsman · 02-02-2021 2:08am

Lads, I wouldn't be saying anything bad about the Ops family.

Last time I call his dad a puff and he slapped me with his handbag.

Purple Mountain · 02-02-2021 2:10am

I remember a story from the noughties when a few culchie lads I know (early 20s) were out cruising around the road in their car.
Their gag was if they saw people standing around a village they'd roll down the windows and shout abuse at them.
So they'd slow down, roll the window down and shout the words 'abuse, abuse' at randomers.
When I was told that story, I literally doubled over in hysterics.

MayoForSam · 02-02-2021 2:15am

Not sure how many on here would have come across the book series 'Arisen', but there's a character known as Master Gunnery Sergeant Fick and that man is well known for his 'Fickisms'.

My favourite is “Boy? Who the f#ck are you calling boy? I’ve got a bucketful of balls, a yard of dick, and enough hair on my ass to weave ten Navajo blankets. I will take you to f#cking man school".

wexfordman2 · 02-02-2021 2:18am

The best part of you ran down your mother's leg.

Gregor Samsa · 02-02-2021 2:19am

Mate of mine in school casually asked another guy for a go of his hurley one day at lunch.

The guy replied “Shut your nose! All you’ll get from me is abuse!”

Treppen · 02-02-2021 2:22am

Teacher verbally ripping into a student who'd been pi55ing him off for weeks.... Finished up with ..." .. I don't think your mother would appreciate knowing what you get up to in my class... and I'm very well aware of what your mother appreciates".

_Brian · 02-02-2021 2:22am

Was reassembling equipment at work one day and dropped a part, guy with me quips “your some lad, every finger is just a bigger thumb”

Arduach · 02-02-2021 2:27am

beerguts wrote: »

Would anyone like to share the best or funniest insults you ever heard and what happened after it was delivered.

The best one that I have heard I still don't really understand but the aftermath was priceless.

Several years ago I had a lads weekend in Kilkenny and on the second night I had finished up drinking and was getting a pizza in a takeaway. Two local lads were mouthing off at one another beside me in the queue, nothing really serious and it petered out after a few minutes. Then one of the lads turned to the other after he had gotten his own pizza and said "Ya nothing but a Wexford Strawberry kid". The insulted lad got into a blind rage threw the pizza on the ground and started throwing slaps at the other, with both ending up on the ground rolling on the pizza. What made it funny was a few others chanting "Strawberry" at the two lads while throwing food at them. I still dont know what the insults means but it was funny as fook

I was at a Wexford v Kilkenny Leinster hurling first round match in 1996, which Wexford won. I was a neutral. Throughout the match this Wexford big stout woman was roaring on her team. She was giving an equally stout, mouthy Kilkenny man Infront of her the odd poke of her umbrella when Wexford would score. The KK man was getting thicker and thicker.

Near the end of the match he stood up to her and said 'there are only 2 things that come out of Wexford, knackers and strawberries, and your no strawberry!'.

Priceless, she shut up!

Arduach · 02-02-2021 2:30am

My late father about a fella who thought he knew it all.. 'that fella thinks he'd knit an arse on a cat'.

The same man on someone he seriously disliked.. 'he's the two ends of a bol*lix'.

Arduach · 02-02-2021 2:31am

My dad on an awkward fella, or if you dropped something doing a farm job.

'You haven't hands to wipe your arse'.

Arduach · 02-02-2021 2:33am

On a particularly mean person.

'He wouldn't give his sh*t to the preachains'.

Preachan being the Irish for crow.

02-02-2021 2:49am

"i hear yerman was promoted to arch-bollox" was a good one

griffin100 · 02-02-2021 3:03am

The reason I’m fat is because your Ma gives me a cake every time I ride her.

02-02-2021 4:00am

My best tit for tat:

Me: "jesus lad, is it that small you are afraid of losing it?" To a gauger with his hands down his jocks.

Gouger: "least I can see mine ya fat prick"

Me: "I don't need to see it, your ma knows where it is"

Little victories.

However, a thread here not so long ago with some typical keyboard warrior going on about how much of a ninja he is and a user posted "ah I see, your one of them. If a mate went to Tenerife you went to elevenrife"

I thought that was ****ing brilliant.

Aglomerado · 02-02-2021 7:17am

"Someone pissed in your mother".

"You've a face like a melted Welly."

ReahKelly · 02-02-2021 7:31am

When mother trolls you in front of relatives.

02-02-2021 7:36am

Loosely related to the OP.

There’s only two things ever came out of Wexford, knackers and strawberries. And you don’t look like a ****in strawberry.

02-02-2021 9:47am

The Wexford-Kilkenny thing about 'pissing in the powder' is still raw 100s years later!

grayzer75 · 02-02-2021 9:50am

The tide wouldn't take you out ye ugly c**t

Rodin · 02-02-2021 9:53am

If there was work in the bed, he'd sleep on the floor.

Curse These Metal Hands · 02-02-2021 9:59am

"You'd have to slap her belly and ride in on a wave" - some lad about the logistics of having intercourse with his friend's rather portly mother.

Feisar · 02-02-2021 10:08am

A real old one my Dad told me. An ould lad was bringing a few sheep home from the mart. A local group or ner'-do-wells started making sheep noises at him, mehehehe-mehehe. Yer old boy retorts, "ye all know yer ma's, which of ye know yer da's?".

Feisar · 02-02-2021 10:10am

Rodin wrote: »

If there was work in the bed, he'd sleep on the floor.

that lad wouldn't work if he was plugged in.

Red Sheds · 02-02-2021 10:14am

In a pub one time with a group and was 2 men drinking at the bar. Another man walked, who had gone off with the wife of one of the guys at the bar and living with her. The husband start to give him a bit of abuse and insults. One quip he came out with was, "There you are, thinking your great, going around riding a used Pu**y, what does that feel like?" The other guy calmly looks up and says, "Its great once you get in past the used part"..... Silence from then on.

StemCell · 02-02-2021 10:18am

One of my mates approached a girl on the dancefloor, she said "Are you dancing or do you just have worms?"

StemCell · 02-02-2021 10:21am

A variant on the yore Ma jokes...
Let's not argue about your mother.... we'll all get our turn.

StemCell · 02-02-2021 10:24am

I think it was Billy Connolly who said his worst/best heckler was when this guy got up to go to the toilet early on in the act.
Billy said "Hey, where are you going?"

He said "I'm going for a p*ss before the comedian comes on".

grayzer75 · 02-02-2021 10:26am

If I'd a bucket of mickey's I still wouldn't give her one

Tabnabs · 02-02-2021 10:32am

F*ck Lemony Snicket, what series of unfortunate events you f*ckin been through you ugly f*ck.

grayzer75 · 02-02-2021 10:33am

It'd be like throwing a sausage down O'Connell street

Kaybaykwah · 02-02-2021 10:36am

If everytime a joke was made about someone's ma made her pregnant, the world would be filled with jokers. A frightful thought.

Stevieluvsye · 02-02-2021 10:37am

You're so scabby you turn the gas off when your flipping you rashers

grayzer75 · 02-02-2021 10:46am

Yer man has a big nose cos air's free

02-02-2021 10:47am

"He does the work of 2 men: one dead and the other dying"

woods1977 · 02-02-2021 10:47am

I envy the people who have never met you.

grayzer75 · 02-02-2021 10:48am

If he has two brains he'd be twice as stupid

knucklehead6 · 02-02-2021 11:03am

“That fella would peel an orange in his pocket”

Said about a lad who’d never get a round in when we were allowed into a pub.

02-02-2021 11:08am

God ruined a perfect arsehole by putting teeth in your mouth.

.anon. · 02-02-2021 11:09am

I like something more discreet and suggestive.

"How's your mother? Send her my love... she'll know what I mean..."

beerguts · 02-02-2021 11:10am

One I got a few times is 'you did a great job on that'. It was always said by an old woman and it dripping with sarcasm.
It's all about the delivery isn't it

02-02-2021 11:15am

You are the reason cousins shouldn't f*ck each other.

Best insult you ever heard

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