Best insult you ever heard

StemCell

In the middle of an insult relay....

"Okay, let's stop this now or (as the midwife told your mother) this is going to get ugly"

Purple Mountain

Ray Donovan wrote: »

I’d be a fairly thin fella and a portly (to say the least) guy for some reason one day said to me “.....and you don’t even have an arse”.

I simply replied with “Maybe you could give me the loan of one of yours”.

Body Shaming 101.

'You've got something on your chin...the third one down.'

smellyoldboot

Face on ya like an oul butter voucher.

Dempo1

I'm entering Blanchardstown TC, I see a scuffle just inside the entrance, Security have a scroat they caught alledgedly shop lifting. He's screaming, kicking, spitting (pre covid).

Squad car pulls up, 2 Gardai run in and take over. Handcuffed suspect, still shouting, kicking as he's led out.

Best line from suspect to Gardai

"If you don't let me go, I'll give you so many slaps, you'll think your getting around of applause"

PARlance

partyguinness wrote: »

I actually said this to a player on the pitch one day years ago. He was a right prick and all mouth...but stone useless.

Player: [Can't remember what he said]
Me: [Nice and calmly into his ear] "Do you know what? You are actually the worst player I have ever played against. You really are ****"

So of course every time he lost the ball or made a mistake I would follow it up with "You see. You're ****. Just go home." Nice and calm and huge smirck on my face.

Very simple but it was really effective...he was going mental as I made myself at home in his head. He was getting worse and worse. I was genuinely beginning to feel sorry for him toward the end but he was moved across to the other wing.

Was playing an Irish international's brother and did something similar. Won the first tackle against him and as we were getting up I said, at least there's one footballer in the house.

He was bulling, I was a bit surprised as I'm sure I wasn't the first low life to say something similar. Was all over him for the next 20 mins before he hacked me down off the ball and got a straight red.

Was chatting to him after and we both felt like sh1te tbh. It was a big cup game and there had been a bit of bite between the teams for a few seasons, but no excuse really.

partyguinness

"Sure that crowd took the soup.."

'Nuf said.

Archeron

You're a grumpy bastard, I'm buying you a roundy bed so you can't get out the wrong side of it again.

McGinniesta

I was outside the chipper about two weeks ago.

One of the local skangers threw the following insult at me:

"Your ma is your oul one"

It was so bad it is funny

McGinniesta

Archeron wrote: »

You're a grumpy bastard, I'm buying you a roundy bed so you can't get out the wrong side of it again.

If there is no wrong side then is no right side either

Mysterypunter

There are two that spring to mind, first was two local characters in a betting shop, wasn't too serious, but they were jeering each other, trading insults, and one called the other a chicken molester, the other was two idiots who would not refuse any substance as long as it was illegal. They arrived at a pharmacy and I was supposed to stop certain individuals from entering the premises, I failed miserably, and one was at the head of the queue and the other at the back. Idiot 2, the one at the back, skipped the queue, and idiot 1, who had a bunch of flowers, told him to get back in the queue, idiot 2 said, "nice flowers, are they for your boyfriend? Idiot 1 replied," no they're for my fathers grave", and they started brawling, I was supposed to separate them, but was too busy laughing, but it didn't come to anything, except throwing shapes and threats. Funny out though.

cannotlogin

My grandmother was a great woman for her match making and ever single person within miles was referred to as a good catch or a bad catch.

Her favourite expression was for a man who wasn't a good catch or couldn't get a date was "Sure even the tide wouldn't take him out".

beerguts

Some brilliant stuff here lads.the country is full of witty fookers Keep it upðŸ˜

Stihl waters

She's been rattled more times than the fence at Auschwitz

whisky_galore

Having a face like a dropped pie.

Having a head like a robber's dog.

pgj2015

I read one on here years ago. some small guy was being a real twat to this tall guy in a pub, small man syndrome at play. The tall guys says to the small guy " I used to have a suit like that, I wore it for my first holy communion" im gonna use it if I ever have to on some small guy who is annoying me.

Snails pace

A couple of insults I use depending on the circumstances:

If you had two brains you'd be twice as thick.

You'd swap your shít for a bigger one.

I wouldn't píss on you if your were on fire

I reversed more miles than you drove.

Your as thight as a nuns cúnt

You've a face on you like a melted welly.

I wouldn't ride you into battle

You've seen more japs eyes than a honda

silverharp

Against Nicola Sturgon , her nickname was seaweed because even the tide wouldnt take her out

McGinniesta

silverharp wrote: »

Against Nicola Sturgon , her nickname was seaweed because even the tide wouldnt take her out

I've also heard her called Mrs Rab C.Nesbitt


She's also known Jimmy Kranky's lovechild

Mundo7976

mackeire wrote: »

During the first lockdown during a zoom quiz on a Friday evening with everyone having a few cans.

Two of the lads (in their 40s) slagging each other and one slags the others ma.
The reply was "shut up you slagging my ma, at least I still have a ma, yours is dead in a box somewhere".

Yeah well, I was in your ma's box last night

beerguts

Stihl waters wrote: »

She's been rattled more times than the fence at Auschwitz

Your some bad bastard!!:D:D:D:D Almost choked laughing at that one. I'm going to hell but you'll be accompanying me:p

McGinniesta

Mundo7976 wrote: »

Yeah well, I was in your ma's box last night

So was your oul lad

Mr.Crinklewood

"You're nothing but a yellow pepper"

Feisar

partyguinness wrote: »

"Sure that crowd took the soup.."

'Nuf said.

I dolled that one out an ould lad and two sons in a bar one evening. They were being a bit holier than thou nationalist, "your crowd took the soup and all the chest beating in the world isn't going to change that now."

Stihl waters

What does took the soup mean

Feisar

Stihl waters wrote: »

What does took the soup mean

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Souperism

It is often link with dropping the Mc or O but I don't think it was a feature of the practice, that was probably Penal Laws that done that. Also they say one had to convert to some degree to get fed. Also not the case, it was for the most part people trying to help in a crisis.

scudzilla

Used this one a few times...."You're the cum you're mother should have swallowed"

When i worked the doors always got the 'Fat Bastard' remarks....simple answer was "Yep, only fat cos your ma feeds me cream cakes after i've fcuked her"
So simple yet the amount of scumbags it would trigger was immense :pac::pac:

Feisar

That wan is fond of the lad that runs with the chickens.

I don’t know why promiscuous women get such a hard time, (no pun intended) I was always a fan.

whisky_galore

Stihl waters wrote: »

What does took the soup mean

A dated term of abuse that only someone over 50 would get.

Feisar

whisky_galore wrote: »

A dated term of abuse that only someone over 50 would get.

I’m in my thirties

cute geoge

pgj2015 wrote: »

I read one on here years ago. some small guy was being a real twat to this tall guy in a pub, small man syndrome at play. The tall guys says to the small guy " I used to have a suit like that, I wore it for my first holy communion" im gonna use it if I ever have to on some small guy who is annoying me.

I worked with a small but tough guy and any big fella who threw his weight about he would say ''I'd say he makes a big sh#t''