What's the etiquette here??

EmmetSpiceland · 12-10-2020 11:25am

Cracked out a hard fart there earlier. Any of you ever had that? A hard fart?

Was just out of the shower and “towelling down” when I felt a rumble. Nothing immediate so proceeded with the drying and applying a bit of talc to ease a spot of “chafing” between the leg and ballbag.

Once the talc was on I got another rumble. Knew something was coming so lifted a leg and let fly. What came out was a loud sharp sound, not dissimilar to a “fun snap”. Caused me to jump. There was a very short, and very mild, hit of pain but nothing that would cause concern.

Was a very strange feeling. Just wondering what, actually, occurred. Is it something akin to thunder after the lightning? Does the ring “dilate” suddenly and then snap shut at an incredible rate?

I can’t imagine there’d be any prolapsing, that’s something you’d notice. Maybe one side flipped out over the other and did a sort of click like one would do with one’s fingers?

A strange “affair” to start the day but one that certainly deserves greater scrutiny.

gerrybbadd · 12-10-2020 11:35am

Ah yes, the hard fart. I've experienced those, specifically after Ali's finest lamb biryani with additional fresh chopped green chilli's and a COG Naan.

They're up there with the ring scratcher farts - aul hole is itchy, and you let out a wild, sharp & unbridled expulsion of hot air - provides instant relief.

Slideways · 12-10-2020 11:39am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Cracked out a hard fart there earlier. Any of you ever had that? A hard fart?

Was just out of the shower and “towelling down” when I felt a rumble. Nothing immediate so proceeded with the drying and applying a bit of talc to ease a spot of “chafing” between the leg and ballbag.

Once the talc was on I got another rumble. Knew something was coming so lifted a leg and let fly. What came out was a loud sharp sound, not dissimilar to a “fun snap”. Caused me to jump. There was a very short, and very mild, hit of pain but nothing that would cause concern.

Was a very strange feeling. Just wondering what, actually, occurred. Is it something akin to thunder after the lightning? Does the ring “dilate” suddenly and then snap shut at an incredible rate?

I can’t imagine there’d be any prolapsing, that’s something you’d notice. Maybe one side flipped out over the other and did a sort of click like one would do with one’s fingers?

A strange “affair” to start the day but one that certainly deserves greater scrutiny.

Check around the bathroom. There’ll be a nesquick nugget trapped in the corner of the vanity or under the corner of the bath mat

I believe these things can happen to older more heavier set lads. The fact you have ball bag chafe between your meaty thighs just cements my theory tbh

EmmetSpiceland · 12-10-2020 12:01pm

Slideways wrote: »

Check around the bathroom. There’ll be a nesquick nugget trapped in the corner of the vanity or under the corner of the bath mat

I believe these things can happen to older more heavier set lads. The fact you have ball bag chafe between your meaty thighs just cements my theory tbh

Nothing was “ejected”. I’m, almost, certain of that. But, I’ll have a look.

Not sure what you’re “implying” here but, I should point out that, I am in very good physical condition. And, while the Lockdown has certainly led to a few pounds being added on, it has only really “accentuated” the, much sought after, dad bod I’m sporting.

The “chaffing” was a result of extensive outdoor exercise the day before and “breaking in” a nice new pair of, slim fit, jeans after. Nothing a little talc can’t fix.

Hotblack Desiato · 12-10-2020 5:08pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Was in the ‘Kok couple of years ago

Better than the 'Kok being in you, I suppose.

Brendan Bendar · 12-10-2020 7:03pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Better than the 'Kok being in you, I suppose.

Hmmm..... we got a joker here...:mad:

Brendan Bendar · 12-10-2020 7:07pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Nothing was “ejected”. I’m, almost, certain of that. But, I’ll have a look.

Not sure what you’re “implying” here but, I should point out that, I am in very good physical condition. And, while the Lockdown has certainly led to a few pounds being added on, it has only really “accentuated” the, much sought after, dad bod I’m sporting.

The “chaffing” was a result of extensive outdoor exercise the day before and “breaking in” a nice new pair of, slim fit, jeans after. Nothing a little talc can’t fix.

Always a few ‘arse raisins’ hiding in the corners, pal.

Well covered with arse lint and melted fuse wire.

Brendan Bendar · 12-10-2020 8:22pm

Obese and Proud wrote: »

Lips and chute are still contracting after a massive effort there. Was stretched wide open by a gargantuan and muscular rope of faun coloured excrement. Thing seemed to necessitate the production of a special slime to assist with the birth as it was coated in what looked like snotty fluid. Felt a little vulnerable during the procedure. Still sore now.

Solid first post Missus, like shïtting a Burmese python or something was it.

Rub a little melted ‘ BadgeEase’ well into the rusty rivet and apply ‘Horse Collar Unction’ morning and evening for three days.

You’ll be able to accept a generous girthy stem by the end of the week.

Don’t panic.

EmmetSpiceland · 12-10-2020 10:03pm

Obese and Proud wrote: »

Lips and chute are still contracting after a massive effort there. Was stretched wide open by a gargantuan and muscular rope of faun coloured excrement. Thing seemed to necessitate the production of a special slime to assist with the birth as it was coated in what looked like snotty fluid. Felt a little vulnerable during the procedure. Still sore now.

Whenever my dog gets that mucusy “film” on her shíte I give her a couple of worm tablets. Might be worth looking into. Best of luck, O.

Trouser Snake · 12-10-2020 10:16pm

Best hose those deposits down with some hot piss too O&P, break up that phlegm and mucus ASAP.
You'll have swimmers all round Dublin Bay trying on the remnants as reusable condoms, filthy kernts.

Hego Damask · 12-10-2020 10:58pm

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Get ****ed Johnny. I'm a very well respected and respectful player on the greens and well behaved in the clubhouse.

Going off whoring and gulling local tack beers is part and parcel of a gentleman's golf holiday. The GUI has no qualms with what a man gets up to off the course. So less of the personals and broad sweeping statements. Capische?

This covid shyte must be ruining a lot of good trips, I imagine you are dying for a vaccine so you can go off whoring again ..

Slideways · 13-10-2020 10:51am

Big weekend in Chez Slidey.

Finished off with a Brazilian BBQ meat extravaganza.

Punted out a shyte and I swear it felt like it was a lucozade bottle coming out cap end last. Like that scene in Ace Ventura where he is coming out of the rhinos butt.

Even was a few speckles of blood on the arts degree when doing the paper work

IAMAMORON · 13-10-2020 11:47am

Sounds like a new epoch for you Slideways, I trust the ozzies are treating you better than your ringpiece.

Just dropped a phenomenal load there in my sister in laws Kazzi and no, I am not riding her, although she is a stunning looking woman. She needs some financial advice, it's complicated.

Wonderous facilities with a pink fluffy woollen seat and a remarkable wall sized Map of the World including capital cities, rivers and 2 dimensional imprints of mountain ranges. I never knew that the Iguazu falls were on the border of Brazil, Argentina and Paraguay. Or indeed I had never fully appreciated the innate geographical diversity of the mammoth archipalagic behemoth which is the Republic of Indonesia. An astounding an wholly educational drop all in all.

As large flumps of nurtured fecal matter exited my fantastic arse I pondered the true meaning and tangibility of some of lifes great questions, what is Madonna's best pop song, who is the greatest ever snooker player, will I ever be dealt a Royal Flush in Poker and if I ever had the opportunity to ride Kiara Knightley would I have a hope in hell?

After completing a sumptious wipe ,with triple plied light sky blue roll , I established that the answers were, La isla Bonita, Ronnie O'Sullivan, probably not and whilst plausible in my dreams and fantasies actually highly unlikely that she would even entertain an advance.

I hope everyone enjoys their dumps today, good luck.

Brendan Bendar · 13-10-2020 4:16pm

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Sounds like a new epoch for you Slideways, I trust the ozzies are treating you better than your ringpiece.

Just dropped a phenomenal load there in my sister in laws Kazzi and no, I am not riding her, although she is a stunning looking woman. She needs some financial advice, it's complicated.

Wonderous facilities with a pink fluffy woollen seat and a remarkable wall sized Map of the World including capital cities, rivers and 2 dimensional imprints of mountain ranges. I never knew that the Iguazu falls were on the border of Brazil, Argentina and Paraguay. Or indeed I had never fully appreciated the innate geographical diversity of the mammoth archipalagic behemoth which is the Republic of Indonesia. An astounding an wholly educational drop all in all.

As large flumps of nurtured fecal matter exited my fantastic arse I pondered the true meaning and tangibility of some of lifes great questions, what is Madonna's best pop song, who is the greatest ever snooker player, will I ever be dealt a Royal Flush in Poker and if I ever had the opportunity to ride Kiara Knightley would I have a hope in hell?

After completing a sumptious wipe ,with triple plied light sky blue roll , I established that the answers were, La isla Bonita, Ronnie O'Sullivan, probably not and whilst plausible in my dreams and fantasies actually highly unlikely that she would even entertain an advance.

I hope everyone enjoys their dumps today, good luck.

For fcukkererkes sake, unit would be teeming with fuse wire, fecal fleas, scutther speckles, worked in tag nuts, and trapped arse gas.

How could you plant your butt cheeks on such a unit.

Fcuking Silverback gorilla would have less contaminants around his hole.

Jaysus. :eek:

Bullocks · 13-10-2020 4:19pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

For fcukkererkes sake, unit would be teeming with fuse wire, fecal fleas, scutther speckles, worked in tag nuts, and trapped arse gas.

How could you plant your butt cheeks on such a unit.

Fcuking Silverback gorilla would have less contaminants around his hole.

Jaysus. :eek:

He should've wiped his arse on both sides of the seat to make her get rid of the dirty thing

Brendan Bendar · 13-10-2020 4:29pm

Bullocks wrote: »

He should've wiped his arse on both sides of the seat to make her get rid of the dirty thing

For sure B.

Left her with both sides like a carpet with ground in beef stroganoff.

Who the fuherke has a woolen pan seat these days.

Lad should have ‘top decked’ the kip and dipped every toothbrush in the cistern.

Incredible.

IAMAMORON · 13-10-2020 4:32pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

For fcukkererkes sake, unit would be teeming with fuse wire, fecal fleas, scutther speckles, worked in tag nuts, and trapped arse gas.

How could you plant your butt cheeks on such a unit.

Fcuking Silverback gorilla would have less contaminants around his hole.

Jaysus. :eek:

You cannot beat them when the cold winter mornings arrive Bren, I love the soft inviting feeling against the cheeks of my ass. It brings me back to nostalgic memories of my early youth and playing with the duckies in a nice warm bath shared with my cousins in our Grannies bathroom. Humble memories erected from the soft cushion of a knitted woollen toilet seat cover.

The capital of Tanzania is Dodoma btw, however the largest city is actually Dar Es Salam

Brendan Bendar · 13-10-2020 4:47pm

IAMAMORON wrote: »

You cannot beat them when the cold winter mornings arrive Bren, I love the soft inviting feeling against the cheeks of my ass. It brings me back to nostalgic memories of my early youth and playing with the duckies in a nice warm bath shared with my cousins in our Grannies bathroom. Humble memories erected from the soft cushion of a knitted woollen toilet seat cover.

The capital of Tanzania is Dodoma btw, however the largest city is actually Dar Es Salam

Not if you knew what was going on on the cover I.

Infested with arse lice and keka-keka maggot larvae.

Fcukers would ‘invade’ the rim and leave you sawing with a rough towel like demented orang outang.

You would t let your hoop anywhere near the unit.

Only took 40 years to make Dodoma the capital.... pity ... will miss the High Spirit bar in Dar

Kevwoody · 13-10-2020 7:21pm

With the festive season approaching, it's probably a good thing that we're in the midst of a global pandemic. If this "thread" ever decided to have a "beers" night, I would not like to be the proprietor of the unfortunate watering hole that would be selected.

A "massacre" of the facilities would be an understatement, Petra with her trusty mop and bucket would be like pissing on a volcano. Even Dynorod would probably have to call in a competitor and create a "Joint Venture" enterprise to deal with the fallout.

As for the lads at the shyte factory, I would imagine something akin to the Chernobyl disaster, hazmat suits and skin falling off would be the order of the day.

So all in all, probably best that none of you lads ever "get together" to discuss all matters scat over pints.

Brendan Bendar · 13-10-2020 7:45pm

Kevwoody wrote: »

With the festive season approaching, it's probably a good thing that we're in the midst of a global pandemic. If this "thread" ever decided to have a "beers" night, I would not like to be the proprietor of the unfortunate watering hole that would be selected.

A "massacre" of the facilities would be an understatement, Petra with her trusty mop and bucket would be like pissing on a volcano. Even Dynorod would probably have to call in a competitor and create a "Joint Venture" enterprise to deal with the fallout.

As for the lads at the shyte factory, I would imagine something akin to the Chernobyl disaster, hazmat suits and skin falling off would be the order of the day.

So all in all, probably best that none of you lads ever "get together" to discuss all matters scat over pints.

The fcnuking bang of dense dried in midden into sweaty corduroy trousers would surely prevent me from attending.

Balding cnunts with comb overs, and stale spend would de rigeur.

Not nice people...

Trouser Snake · 13-10-2020 8:31pm

I'd say lads wouldn't shower nor change underwear a week before trying to outdo each other.

Can you imagine the smell of stale **** in that poor establishment? Worse than the monkey section in Dublin zoo.

EmmetSpiceland · 13-10-2020 8:44pm

Trouser Snake wrote: »

Can you imagine the smell of stale **** in that poor establishment? Worse than the monkey section in Dublin zoo.

Be closer to the old Rhino House, T.

Bullocks · 13-10-2020 9:14pm

Whatever about the drinks , can ye imagine the foddering that would take place in Supermacs after ? Belts and trouser buttons would be loosened to release the pressure at that stage of the evening 😂

Lewis_Benson · 14-10-2020 12:45am

Lads who drive an 07 lexus, with a "Best of Dad Rock" CD in the stereo, with bad combovers, sweaty armpits, belt buckles horizontal with the strain, stench of lynx africa, marlboro light on one hand, pint of guinnnes in the other, trying to chat up some young wan with chat up lines your dad would be proud of.

Filthy kernts

Slideways · 14-10-2020 12:54am

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Lads who drive an 07 lexus, with a "Best of Dad Rock" CD in the stereo, with bad combovers, sweaty armpits, belt buckles horizontal with the strain, stench of lynx africa, marlboro light on one hand, pint of guinnnes in the other, trying to chat up some young wan with chat up lines your dad would be proud of.

Filthy kernts

Lewis, have you been supping on a bottle of Blue Nun. Your rambling incoherent post is that of someone projecting hard.

Have some tropical breakfast juice and a good brisk walk. Might cure what ails you

Lewis_Benson · 14-10-2020 12:57am

Slideways wrote: »

Lewis, have you been supping on a bottle of Blue Nun. Your rambling incoherent post is that of someone projecting hard.

Have some tropical breakfast juice and a good brisk walk. Might cure what ails you

Not wrong with me at all.
In fact I'm a jober as a sudge.....

Arthur Fent · 14-10-2020 11:27am

Lads, I'm shyting like a cow in a field lately. Had 5 on Monday, 4 yesterday. None of your watery, sludgey midden either. Proper logs a man can be proud of. I don't know where its all coming from ! Only drawback is the badge is a bit tender from all the paperwork.

Aglomerado · 14-10-2020 11:33am

Bullocks wrote: »

Whatever about the drinks , can ye imagine the foddering that would take place in Supermacs after ? Belts and trouser buttons would be loosened to release the pressure at that stage of the evening &#55357;&#56834;

I got a book of supermacs coupons in the door this morning, a feed of garlicy cheesy chips and a big cheeseburger would be nice round about now... the jax bowl would take a punishing tomorrow though....
I made pizza with homemade super garlicy sauce last night, garlic is great for getting the logs moving, they stink though!

Hotblack Desiato · 14-10-2020 11:38am

Kevwoody wrote: »

With the festive season approaching, it's probably a good thing that we're in the midst of a global pandemic. If this "thread" ever decided to have a "beers" night, I would not like to be the proprietor of the unfortunate watering hole that would be selected.

A "massacre" of the facilities would be an understatement, Petra with her trusty mop and bucket would be like pissing on a volcano. Even Dynorod would probably have to call in a competitor and create a "Joint Venture" enterprise to deal with the fallout.

As for the lads at the shyte factory, I would imagine something akin to the Chernobyl disaster, hazmat suits and skin falling off would be the order of the day.

So all in all, probably best that none of you lads ever "get together" to discuss all matters scat over pints.

Are you "Emmet" in "disguise" ?

Hotblack Desiato · 14-10-2020 11:39am

IAMAMORON wrote: »

You cannot beat them when the cold winter mornings arrive Bren, I love the soft inviting feeling against the cheeks of my ass. It brings me back to nostalgic memories of my early youth and playing with the duckies in a nice warm bath shared with my cousins in our Grannies bathroom.

Now I'm reminded of the Eddie Murphy "GI Joe" sketch...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55bseNAqC8s

Humble memories erected from the soft cushion of a knitted woollen toilet seat cover.

Wait a minute. You actually mean the seat. Not the lid. That would be vaguely semi-normal. The seat. The fuhkken seat. Jaysus. Brendan wasn't exaggerating after all so.

What's the etiquette here??

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