Partner called me a ‘c***’ during an argument

Banana Republic. · 09-07-2020 12:56pm

bitofabind wrote: »

I was 32 and in a damaging relationship when I first posted in this forum 2.5 years ago. See my username? That was a description of what I was going through at the time. I'd been with this guy for seven years and loved him to death but we were killing each other. He had alcohol issues, there were major financial incompatibilities, he was lying, gaslighting, making constant broken promises and I was deathly scared of being single and "starting again." The trust was gone and the relationship was hurting us both.

The advice I got here at the time was unanimous - you have no choice. Being single is the only shot you have at happiness, security and stability. Those kids you want? Have them with him and you're trapping not just yourself but a family into a dysfunctional life where they're always on edge. You'll offer your kids no emotional security and safety. They'll resent you and be damaged by it.

So I left him and went through the worst pain I've been through as an adult but came out the other end of it. Life doesn't always work out according to plan. I still want the relationship, the partnership, the family, all of that stuff. I still see the ticking clock. But I had a big choice to make and I chose peace of mind and autonomy and my own self-worth over a life full of regret and misery. I can see now it was the only choice I could make. I still care about him but I care about me more, it's as simple as that. I deserve better, I know that now and I lead with that when I meet new men.

Please don't make a life-changing decision here based on the fear of being single. It is the single worst thing you can do for your sense of self-confidence, pride, happiness and self-respect moving forward. Ignoring your instincts always comes at a cost. And what's "right" is sometimes what's also the harder, more painful decision in the end.

Self worth is everything and it shines a light also on people who don’t show you your worth. Emotionally these ppl wrap you up in so many wires you don’t know your arse from your elbow but the only way to realise is to go on the outside and look back in then you'll see the full extent. Doesn’t mean his a bad bad guy it’s just not the type of guy for you.

Hannibal_Smith · 09-07-2020 1:15pm

OP did you end things with him... As in say... Our relationship is over. Or did you tell him you needed space?

So does he know you've broken up with him? How did he think it went from his sleeping in the spare room, to breaking up, to being in the same bed again? It's a big leap.

The communication between you is still poor, despite his wish for weekly relationship chats. Here you are asking whether you should give him another chance, when he thinks he's already in there and just needs to bide his time before it all blows over.

I don't see it as being manipulative, I see it as being on the wrong page with each other.

Anongirl306 · 09-07-2020 1:33pm

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

OP did you end things with him... As in say... Our relationship is over. Or did you tell him you needed space?

So does he know you've broken up with him? How did he think it went from his sleeping in the spare room, to breaking up, to being in the same bed again? It's a big leap.

The communication between you is still poor, despite his wish for weekly relationship chats. Here you are asking whether you should give him another chance, when he thinks he's already in there and just needs to bide his time before it all blows over.

I don't see it as being manipulative, I see it as being on the wrong page with each other.

I did end things, I told him I wanted to split up as I can’t go on like this. He asked after if we could talk about it, which I agreed and we did talk a lot. I told him I needed space still which I have been using to reflect more on the situation. He comes up to bed after I’m asleep, maybe I should have asked him to sleep in the spare room. There hasn’t been any intimacy or touching since the first night he was trying to cuddle me while I was asleep

09-07-2020 1:37pm

This thread is actually making me sad..

Banana Republic. · 09-07-2020 1:39pm

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I did end things, I told him I wanted to split up as I can’t go on like this. He asked after if we could talk about it, which I agreed and we did talk a lot. I told him I needed space still which I have been using to reflect more on the situation. He comes up to bed after I’m asleep, maybe I should have asked him to sleep in the spare room. There hasn’t been any intimacy or touching since the first night he was trying to cuddle me while I was asleep

That’s a no no there, if he fell out with you when ye were going out together he’d sleep in the spare room but now ye are broken up and need your space he’s in the bed with you? Just sending the wrong signals, I’ve been there that doesn’t end well either way.

Tork · 09-07-2020 1:40pm

Getting into your bed is a pretty intimate act in my book, even if it is by stealth. There is a perfectly good bed in that spare room which he was happy to sleep in when he was punishing you for days on end. Letting him sleep there is a signal that you're complicit in the glossing things over. Give it a week and the pair of you will be pretending nothing ever happened.

Big Bag of Chips · 09-07-2020 1:44pm

I would tell him to move back to the spare room for the moment. He was happy enough there all last week. You told him you want to split up and now he is cuddling you in bed. He wouldn't even talk to you last week. Ignored your multiple attempts to try to talk and even told you he would shut you down if he didn't like what you said.

Imagine if you tell him that you agree to his "monthly meetings" but if its just going to be him pointing out all your faults you're going to shut him down.... How would that go down?

Tell, don't ask, him to move back to the spare room for the moment. Do you feel comfortable saying that to him? If not, why not? And if you feel you can't voice your opinion or thoughts for fear of his reaction then you need to think long and hard about 40 years time!

You're only 32.

09-07-2020 1:46pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I would tell him to move back to the spare room for the moment. He was happy enough there all last week. You told him you want to split up and now he is cuddling you in bed. He wouldn't even talk to you last week. Ignored your multiple attempts to try to talk and even told you he would shut you down if he didn't like what you said.

Imagine if you tell him that you agree to his "monthly meetings" but if its just going to be him pointing out all your faults you're going to shut him down.... How would that go down?

Tell, don't ask, him to move back to the spare room for the moment. Do you feel comfortable saying that to him? If not, why not? And if you feel you can't voice your opinion or thoughts for fear of his reaction then you need to think long and hard about 40 years time!

You're only 32.

Don't forget called her a c*nt repeatedly..

Idle Passerby · 09-07-2020 1:47pm

Banana Republic. wrote: »

That’s a no no there, if he fell out with you when ye were going out together he’d sleep in the spare room but now ye are broken up and need your space he’s in the bed with you? Just sending the wrong signals, I’ve been there that doesn’t end well either way.

He's making all the rules here. He can storm off and punish her for an extended period, ignoring her requests to talk. When she says she needs space he can ignore that too and impose himself on her to show he's in charge and his way is how it will go as long as she stays with him.

Big Bag of Chips · 09-07-2020 1:49pm

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I did end things, I told him I wanted to split up as I can’t go on like this. He asked after if we could talk about it, which I agreed and we did talk a lot. I told him I needed space still which I have been using to reflect more on the situation.

Do you want to split up?

Or do you want space for him to realise what he's losing and realise he needs to cop on and completely change the way he acts and reacts?

Because they are two very different things. And if he senses (which he does) that you are not firm in your stance of breaking up then he will continue as before. He's already ignoring your wishes and getting in to your bed. He doesn't take you seriously. And every time you give a wishy washy response he knows it's only a matter of time.

And round and round it goes.

cannotlogin · 09-07-2020 1:57pm

Why haven't you asked him to move out to give you space and time to see what you want in the future?

Is he the type of man you want to help raise your kids?

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship as I genuinely cannot see anything positive?

People tell you who they are and we should listen when they do, rather than hoping they are actually something better.

LegacyUser · 09-07-2020 1:59pm

Sorry for the very long post!

OP, I would agree, for your own sake do go to counselling without him.
I am disappointed to read that he's not actively giving you the space you asked for. As others have pointed out, the spare room was good enough while punishing you, it should be good enough for him while you need space. He's not respecting your need for space if he's in bed trying to cuddle you.
Also, in his response to your level headed request to talk, he accused you of denying things. It seems to me he's projecting onto you the things he's guilty of doing.

You said you have a narrow window for having children if you were to start again. I'm the same age as you so I do understand your thinking, and I'm glad you know that is no reason to stay in a relationship. It's also good to read that you have support. If you are to call everything off, the embarrassment would fade as your happiness grows.
If you stay, I really hope you insist on couples counselling, while also having your own separate therapy.

I would like to give you a perspective of someone that grew up living with what may appear to be similar behaviour to your partner. My intention is not to derail the thread, I'm not seeking advice, I would just like to give a perspective of having a parent similar to the OP's experience. I accepted long ago that neither of my parents will change their ways.

My siblings and I have spent most of our lives begging our mother to leave her husband. My mother has been both a mother and father to us, while her husband behaved like a stranger living in the same house as us, we all tip toed around him. She has put in over 40 years taking care of him, and he regularly tells her to get out of 'his' house. As children, he regularly 'forgot' about us. He wouldn't be able to tell you even one birthday date. He never knew what he got for anyone as a gift for birthdays or Christmas (my mother does his shopping for him, and gets no thanks for it).
The night before my sibling's wedding, this person decided to throw a similar tantrum to your partner's, because my sibling was going to bed around 10pm, unacceptably early apparently. He continued his tantrum throughout the wedding day, not speaking to any of our immediate family, another relative read out his speech (that someone else had wrote for him), and he kept his eyes closed during the family photos.
He thinks he can call anyone the same deplorable word your partner used, but if someone was to ask him to do something like help a small bit with making dinner or housework, he would overreact. He has taken off for days over little things. I'm surprised their house is still standing from all the times he has tore through it slamming things. He moved on from slamming doors for a while, to hurling the tv across the room, and now that he can't manage to throw the TV anymore (bad back from throwing TVs), he has turned to physically pushing my mother and any of my siblings that try to reason with him. The punishments have escalated a lot in the last few years.
But good luck if anyone ever dares to try and gently talk to him about these moods and behaviours, it just starts all over again. The In Law shouted at him once in desperation to stop, and it shook him up a bit, but after a few days he was back to his old self again.
He hasn't even once muttered a half assed sorry in over 40 years, and yet he has been forgiven so many times.
I am ashamed to be related to this selfish person.

I once heard my mother give advice to someone who was soon to be married while having relationship issues. She said calling off the wedding is a lot cheaper than divorce. I think those words hold so much weight, knowing she's punished every day for choosing to stay with the person she loved.

OP, I do hope you end this relationship for good, but if you decide to stay, and if he doesn't change, please don't ever tell your future children you stayed with him for their sake. They may carry the guilt for the rest of their lives watching you suffer, or they may resent you for not protecting them.

Please don't waste your life on someone who doesn't deserve you. You deserve to be with someone who is kind and loving, not just when it suits them. Being single is also a lot healthier than being in an unhealthy relationship. Only you can decide if he deserves your love.

Whatever you choose, take care of yourself, OP. I hope you make the right decision for you.

rainbowtrout · 09-07-2020 2:00pm

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I did end things, I told him I wanted to split up as I can’t go on like this. He asked after if we could talk about it, which I agreed and we did talk a lot. I told him I needed space still which I have been using to reflect more on the situation. He comes up to bed after I’m asleep, maybe I should have asked him to sleep in the spare room. There hasn’t been any intimacy or touching since the first night he was trying to cuddle me while I was asleep

If you are separating from him he doesn’t get to sleep in your bed. There is no respect for you from him. An hour after you asked for space he was asking you to go to a birthday. I can guarantee he would have put on the performance of his life in that public setting to make ye look like a happy couple. If you did happen to mention any of the fallout he would have downplayed it as a minor misunderstanding making you out to be the bad guy.

As for the cuddling up to you in bed, that’s not to get close. That’s to confuse you and control you. And it’s working.

OP why do you think everyone here is able to describe what is happening and what is going to happen? Last week you were told if you go back a few posts that he would try and get close when you ended it. And guess what, he has. He won’t let this go without a fight, but it’s not because he loves you, he loves abusing you.

I’m sad reading your responses because you’re clearly in denial of what is about to happen you if you stay, and if you go through with a wedding and children you are subjecting those children to a miserable childhood and even if you separate later on the damage will be done and as their father you will never have him out of your life.

Not sure exactly what you’re looking for in this thread as all of the advice is spot on and nobody is going to tell you to stay with him because he’s magically going to turn over a new leaf, because he won’t.

Remember he encroached on your space after an hour to ask you go to the birthday. Those are not the actions of someone who respects you, loves you or is willing to change. It was business as normal for him.

tara73 · 09-07-2020 3:10pm

Xterminator wrote: »

But conversely no acknowledgment that when the OP demasculated her partner with her comments he should have the balls to talk to me face to face that he had the same rights and feelings.

don't want to drag this out but as it belongs to the story and it's been brought up as a point she's equally bad in name calling I think it needs to be pointed out that the saying 'he should have the balls' doesn't fall in the same derogatory category as calling somebody a c**t. If she called him a wa***er, yes, equally bad, but 'having the balls' is kind of a saying almost, a bit rough maybe, but as said, not the same derogatory category as c**nt.

Hannibal_Smith · 09-07-2020 3:32pm

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I did end things, I told him I wanted to split up as I can’t go on like this. He asked after if we could talk about it, which I agreed and we did talk a lot. I told him I needed space still which I have been using to reflect more on the situation. He comes up to bed after I’m asleep, maybe I should have asked him to sleep in the spare room. There hasn’t been any intimacy or touching since the first night he was trying to cuddle me while I was asleep

Last week he was sleeping in the spare room and you were both a couple. This week you're no longer a couple but sleeping in the same bed. He put himself on the spare room and removed himself after you broke up?

Did he join you after you'd broken up without even mentioning it? That's pretty messed up and it's not the way to resolve it. It's not giving you space to decide whether you want to break up or not. Your relationship for all he knew was over.

He said the key with the plumber was a misunderstanding. So why would you jump to think he had locked you out? Why would your mind go there?

He told you he said to the plumber there'd be no one there the next day so he could keep the key. Instead why did he not just say to you, in the time it took to say all of that, I thought he had a spare key?

He was trying to wind you up. You felt spooked. There was no need for you to feel like that. He was sitting in the dark when you got back. Was he waiting to see you twig you were locked out? I wouldn't be brushing that under the carpet at all. Its not that easily explained away.

Take your time and tell him you need space . Space means separate rooms (though I would say separate rooves) while you collect your thoughts.

rubberdungeon · 09-07-2020 4:57pm

When he needed space, he moved into the spare room and blanked you.

Now you need space, he’s moved back into your bed and thinks it’s ok to play happy families.

Anongirl306 · 09-07-2020 5:34pm

You’re all right about the space. I’m insisting on him sleeping in the spare room for now while I figure things out

Realt Dearg Sec · 09-07-2020 5:54pm

Anongirl306 wrote: »

You’re all right about the space. I’m insisting on him sleeping in the spare room for now while I figure things out

How are you keeping anyway OP? it's a rough station to be in, be sure to take care of yourself and find things to do to enjoy without him.

tara73 · 09-07-2020 6:17pm

Realt Dearg Sec wrote: »

How are you keeping anyway OP? it's a rough station to be in, be sure to take care of yourself and find things to do to enjoy without him.

I'm also a bit worried here for you. I don't think he will take it well you sending him back to the spare room. He might start harass you again with some unpredictable stunts as locking you out of the house or anything like that.
Would be hard to relax in such a situation. Can't you stay with family/friends for a while, would be good to have physical distance from him/not having him around to get your head clear and prepare yourself in your own time for, hopefully,:) the break up.

Big Bag of Chips · 09-07-2020 6:59pm

I agree with the previous posters, you need to be careful. When you don't play the game like he expects you to then he will revert to type. It will be awful for you, but might be for the best, because it will reaffirm to you that this relationship isn't going to dramatically change for the better. After 5 years together it is what it is. Familiarity has set in and so has indifference. He's not bothered. He's only bothered if it's going to directly affect him. And you splitting up will directly affect him. He'll have to find somewhere else to live.

Mind yourself, OP. Whatever happens its going to be a bumpy road for you.

cj maxx · 09-07-2020 8:18pm

tara73 wrote: »

don't want to drag this out but as it belongs to the story and it's been brought up as a point she's equally bad in name calling I think it needs to be pointed out that the saying 'he should have the balls' doesn't fall in the same derogatory category as calling somebody a c**t. If she called him a wa***er, yes, equally bad, but 'having the balls' is kind of a saying almost, a bit rough maybe, but as said, not the same derogatory category as c**nt.

I disagree. . Telling a man he doesn't have the balls to do cuz is every bit if not more derogatory as calling a woman a c#£&

Anongirl306 · 09-07-2020 8:29pm

We had a conversation which escalated, I told him I needed space and he should have respected when I asked that. Apparently I should have been more specific, because once he left me out of a family event and I was upset, and he didn’t want it to cause a problem. ‘What does space mean - you should have been specific’ I told him I was going to speak to a therapist for me and my own well-being. We got into a heated discussion about the quiz thing again and the aftermath, I asked him why does he lash out like that and is it something he can work on? He basically said he can’t promise to change and ‘why are you asking me why I do this, why don’t you go and talk to your ****ing therapist and ask them why I do this’

I told him I don’t want to marry a man like that and it’s over. Rough times ahead

Big Bag of Chips · 09-07-2020 8:32pm

The debate on who said what to whom has been done and redone on the thread. The OP has acknowledged same. We're over 200 posts in. The thread and the situation has moved on. Please offer advice to the OP based on the situation as it stands for her now.

Idle Passerby · 09-07-2020 8:33pm

Well done OP! He'll probably get nastier now but that will further convince you you've made the right decision. Your future just got brighter.

cj maxx · 09-07-2020 8:35pm

Op, I got sidelined reading the last of the thread. So you told him you wanted to break up and he's sleeping in your bed , in your home? If you're serious you cannot live together. If the house is 80% in your name he needs to leave , and get all the locks changed ASAP. What's changed. He will be on best behaviour, you relent and rinse and repeat. See about getting the money for his 20% . Unless you think your relationship can be saved which going by your first post I don't think you do.

Big Bag of Chips · 09-07-2020 8:38pm

You need to stick to this OP. He will not let it go easy. You need to tell family and friends that you are ending it. If people know, you are more likely to stick to it. Ring/email your venue tomorrow and cancel. Take steps to make it harder for you to go back. As someone else said, everyone here basically told you step by step what he would do, and he has followed the script perfectly. Down to quickly getting back to abusing you when you didn't fall into line and accept his mealy-mouthed non apology.

This will not change for the better. It will never be a good, relaxed, happy normal relationship. Couples disagree and argue at times. It's normal and natural. What's not normal is his response. And he has told you he's not going to even try not to do it again!

Walk away. You would be better having the freedom of being single rather than shackled to that for the rest of your life. Did you mention a narrow window to have children? Please please do not stay with this man just so you can have children. Imagine the life they'd have.

KiKi III · 09-07-2020 8:39pm

Anongirl306 wrote: »

We had a conversation which escalated, I told him I needed space and he should have respected when I asked that. Apparently I should have been more specific, because once he left me out of a family event and I was upset, and he didn’t want it to cause a problem. ‘What does space mean - you should have been specific’ I told him I was going to speak to a therapist for me and my own well-being. We got into a heated discussion about the quiz thing again and the aftermath, I asked him why does he lash out like that and is it something he can work on? He basically said he can’t promise to change and ‘why are you asking me why I do this, why don’t you go and talk to your ****ing therapist and ask them why I do this’

I told him I don’t want to marry a man like that and it’s over. Rough times ahead

Well done you. It didn’t take long for his mask to drop again.

The next few months will be really tough but please, please try and stick with your decision.

Talk to friends. I find telling my Dad something makes it real in my mind, if there’s someone that fits that bill for you, talk to them about it.

Tork · 09-07-2020 8:39pm

I hope you're OK? It didn't take long for the mask to slip. Often you'll see on this forum the comment "When somebody tells you who they are, listen to them". You've been told yet again what this man is really like when things don't go his way. Maybe some of his hostility towards you going to a therapist is his fear of losing control of you. I've been urging you to talk to a professional because I think you'll start to see your relationship in a new light once things are teased out a bit. Once you talk to a third party and they help you to evaulate your relationship, it will bring a new unwanted dimension into it. He had things nicely under control until now and that has been taken away from him.

Hannibal_Smith · 09-07-2020 8:50pm

You'll get there OP. You're right to walk at this stage. You can't bring your needs to the table without a backlash. That's not workable.

There will be a time when you will look back and be grateful you took these next tough steps.

Neyite · 09-07-2020 9:25pm

Anongirl306 wrote: »

To a previous poster - am I frightened to start again? Absolutely - I’m 32 and thinking about dating, meeting someone that I’m compatible with leaves me with a narrow window to have children. I know that’s no reason to stay but it is something that I’m very aware of.

40 seems to be the magic number but from my experience in dealing with Gyanae and fertility doctors they didn't see any concern for me trying for a baby between 37 and 42- the difficulties we had conceiving were not age-related, tests showed that. We tried to conceive until I was about 42 and called it a day - a personal choice and I know women older than that who successfully had their families in their late thirties or early forties. I had my son at 36.

So if that's worrying you, you've heaps of time. But if you waste another few years on him, it's cutting it fine to find someone who could be the best dad ever to your kids.
It's so long ago that I've forgotten it now but 'C*nt' was my abusive ex's term of endearment to me. And if I got the hump, I was a dryshíte with no sense of humour. I'm fairly sweary and the word personally I don't find offensive but it's different when it's said nastily to you.

I was pretty much at the same crossroads you are now - there was too much stuff to overlook and sift through to get to the happy parts of the relationship. But l loved him and really wanted to be right when I imagined our happy future together. One night, supposedly slagging me in the guise of humour but in reality he was being critical of me making dinner and I just got this future-flash of him maybe saying to a small kid "look at mammy the silly c*nt can't even cook dinner properly haha" and an innocent kid laughing along with him and not knowing any better. I was so, so broody for kids. But I knew in that moment I loved whatever future kid(s) I'd have so much that I could never let them be 'trained' that way. Trained to be uncaring and cruel and derogatory towards their mother. I made plans to leave soon afterwards. I stayed away from dating, got a ton of counselling for me, and a year later had my first date and only for covid, we would be getting married this month. We've been together 16 years and every one of those has been really happy.

I guess what I'm saying is that to make the leap feels like the scariest thing ever - you think you are letting go of that life with the house and the kids you envisioned but it's really not that way at all. Now is the best time to let go to give yourself time to heal a bit and to find someone way better. You have time on your side. So don't be afraid to leave for that reason.

Partner called me a ‘c***’ during an argument

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