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Completely Put Off Having Children

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24567…13

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    #32
    Thelonious Monk
    Registered Users Posts: 13,788 ✭✭✭✭Thelonious Monk


    sunshinew wrote: »
    When you say "we", are you referring to you and your partner? Or all of humanity?

    He means him.


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    #33
    DanielODonnell
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 652 ✭✭✭DanielODonnell


    I dislike young parents nowadays, they look down on others who don't have children and they would complain if you had children and were a bad parent, you can't win. They also are obsessed with paedophiles too, you dare not even look at a child when outside as an ugly loner man as you could get accused of being a potential paedophile. Look at those paedophile hunting videos, they are obsessed with those I notice too, always commenting under them.


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    #34
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    DanielODonnell wrote: »
    I dislike young parents nowadays, they look down on others who don't have children and they would complain if you had children and were a bad parent, you can't win. They also are obsessed with paedophiles too, you dare not even look at a child when outside as an ugly loner man as you could get accused of being a potential paedophile. Look at those paedophile hunting videos, they are obsessed with those I notice too, always commenting under them.

    99.9% of that is in your head.


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    #35
    cj maxx
    Registered Users Posts: 13,399 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    society is absolute squalor and couldn't reconcile bringing a child into it.
    That is complete and utter sh1te.
    That is society. It's **** and full of nasty people and kunts out to harm you and steal from you.
    It was the same when you were a child , when your father was ,and his father before him.
    This " I can't bring a child into this evil world" is nonsense.
    Fatherhood is great. Not all the time, but alot of the time.
    Personally , at 35/36 I got the drive to sire. I didn't worry if them growing up in a different world to my childhood was a reason to not have them.
    You can't control everything


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    #36
    AlphabetCards
    Registered Users Posts: 410 ✭✭AlphabetCards


    Candie wrote: »
    99.9% of that is in your head.

    Look, we all live in a filter bubble, your experience of media will be different to his. It's very likely that he opens youtube and this is the kind of **** that is put in front of him day in day out. He obviously clicks on it, in outrage, and thus propagates the effect.


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    #37
    Sorry about that
    Closed Accounts Posts: 632 ✭✭✭Sorry about that


    I have children and am happier than I ever was, but I always wanted them. I know plenty of parents who do nothing but complain about their kids, and I wonder why they decided to have them at all.

    I have great respect for people who listen to their hearts and choose not to have children. And it's no more selfish to opt out than to opt in.


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    #38
    jam_mac_jam
    Registered Users Posts: 4,716 ✭✭✭jam_mac_jam


    If you need to ask what the reasons are for having a child you probably don't really want to. It's can be hard and it's a lot to give up and change. To do that you are better really wanting to in the first place.


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    #39
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    All people who have kids will tell you it's life changing & kids are the most important thing in their lives. Their children give them reasons to live etc etc.
    Great.
    Fair play
    They will look at people without kids & feel pity for them, for they do not understand the great love etc etc.
    Whatever.
    Some people want kids, some people are not bothered.
    Some people who do not have kids have a great life. Some people who have kids think that those without are missing out.

    It's very personal, for me, I don't want them. I have endless amounts of kids in my life, my niece & nephew are the most important, I would die for those kids. I have many friends with kids, they love me & I love them.
    I don't have kids, I am not interested in having my own & the older I have gotten the less I would want them, I'm so glad I'm not a woman with a massive urge for kids.
    I like my life. Just the way it is.


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    #40
    standardg60
    Registered Users Posts: 4,288 ✭✭✭standardg60


    I am introverted, live by choice alone, don't enjoy the vast majority of people's company, basically lockdown has made no difference to my life.
    Personally was never cut out for children, but then I met someone who made me feel as though they were the mother of my children and was suddenly enthusiastic about it, but they didn't feel the same, this was some years ago.
    Never felt the same way again with anyone else, make of it what you will.


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    #41
    pauldavis123
    Registered Users Posts: 354 ✭✭pauldavis123


    I spoke to a lot of elderly people who have had kids. The kids have grown up and moved out. I asked them in hindsight was it all worth it. From those I asked about 80% said no.

    Most of these people were wealthy and intelligent which seems to correlate with the data coming from most western countries.


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    #42
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Geuze wrote: »
    Your first statement is false, society is not absolute squalor.


    Having children brings unending joy into my life.

    It's the most valuable action I've ever taken.

    No big surprises, no, just the usual worries.

    They are mighty craic.

    Must not have done a whole lot in your life if having your drains clogged up is your most valuable action.


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    #43
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    bubblypop wrote: »
    All people who have kids will tell you it's life changing & kids are the most important thing in their lives. Their children give them reasons to live etc etc.
    Great.
    Fair play
    They will look at people without kids & feel pity for them, for they do not understand the great love etc etc.
    Whatever.
    Some people want kids, some people are not bothered.
    Some people who do not have kids have a great life. Some people who have kids think that those without are missing out.

    It's very personal, for me, I don't want them. I have endless amounts of kids in my life, my niece & nephew are the most important, I would die for those kids. I have many friends with kids, they love me & I love them.
    I don't have kids, I am not interested in having my own & the older I have gotten the less I would want them, I'm so glad I'm not a woman with a massive urge for kids.
    I like my life. Just the way it is.

    Anyone who pities someone who freely chooses not to have kids is a fool. It's perfectly possible to enjoy and like kids - as you do - but not want to be a parent.

    I think most parents acknowledge that, it's just the smug few with the loudest voices that give the impression it's a norm. Having kids is great if you want them, having the freedom not to have them if you don't want them is great too. No choice is better than the other, people are just different.


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    #44
    One eyed Jack
    Registered Users Posts: 23,673 ✭✭✭✭One eyed Jack


    s1ippy wrote: »
    To people who already have children, was it everything you were expecting or were there a lot of surprises?


    It turned out to be more than I was expecting tbh, in a good way, in that there were so many negatives I felt certain of and had planned for before he was even conceived, that just never came to pass, and there have been so many, many positives that I just didn’t foresee at the time.

    I always told myself that by the time he was a teenager he’d hate me, and that was ok because at least I’ll know I’d have raised him right. Turns out that now that he is a teenager, doesn’t hate me, the opposite really, and he’s not the feral little shìtbag I thought he would be. I realise now that I was basing my expectations on my own childhood and my relationship with my own old man.

    The idea of society being fcuked up as one of the reasons putting ye off having children? You’re having children, you’re not expected to cure cancer! By that I simply mean society is what it is - people who were once children themselves, and their children. Society evolves through the next generation, and so the society you’re familiar with will evolve as your children grow up and develop. You’re placing unrealistic expectations on yourselves if you’re put off the idea of having children because you imagine society is in absolute squalor - you’re your children’s lens through which they see society, and that can be either something positive, or something unfortunately negative for the child or children in your care.


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    #45
    s1ippy
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭s1ippy


    Sorry about that wrote: »
    And it's no more selfish to opt out than to opt in.

    Definitely agree with this and a lot of other sage advice throughout the thread.
    cj maxx wrote: »
    society is absolute squalor and couldn't reconcile bringing a child into it.
    That is complete and utter sh1te.
    That is society. It's **** and full of nasty people and kunts out to harm you and steal from you.
    It was the same when you were a child , when your father was ,and his father before him.
    This " I can't bring a child into this evil world" is nonsense.
    Fatherhood is great. Not all the time, but alot of the time.
    Personally , at 35/36 I got the drive to sire. I didn't worry if them growing up in a different world to my childhood was a reason to not have them.
    You can't control everything
    You can control whether or not to bring them into the world.

    Squalor doesn't mean evil. There's a lot worth living for but I know a lot more people having a bad time than a good one these days and the divides in society are only growing.
    jam_mac_jam wrote: »
    If you need to ask what the reasons are for having a child you probably don't really want to. It's can be hard and it's a lot to give up and change. To do that you are better really wanting to in the first place.
    Hape of nonsense. I know plenty who had kids by accident and are delighted. Also know several who regret their decision about 60% of the time. You can't just assert that merely asking questions about an action with enormous ramifications for the rest of your life means that you don't want to take that action. The opposite is likely true, because you're considering it in spite of the consequences.


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    #46
    jam_mac_jam
    Registered Users Posts: 4,716 ✭✭✭jam_mac_jam


    Also nobody with kids is ever going to say they regret having kids.


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    #47
    fits
    Registered Users Posts: 13,261 ✭✭✭✭fits


    jam_mac_jam wrote: »
    Also nobody with kids is ever going to say they regret having kids.

    Mostly because their brains have been bathed in oxytocin and they don’t actually regret having kids.


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    #48
    jam_mac_jam
    Registered Users Posts: 4,716 ✭✭✭jam_mac_jam


    s1ippy wrote: »
    Definitely agree with this and a lot of other sage advice throughout the thread.


    You can control whether or not to bring them into the world.

    Squalor doesn't mean evil. There's a lot worth living for but I know a lot more people having a bad time than a good one these days and the divides in society are only growing.


    Hape of nonsense. I know plenty who had kids by accident and are delighted. Also know several who regret their decision about 60% of the time. You can't just assert that merely asking questions about an action with enormous ramifications for the rest of your life means that you don't want to take that action. The opposite is likely true, because you're considering it in spite of the consequences.

    No some people don't want kids. They may be delighted by a suprise but that's not what I am taking about.

    If you have to look for reasons to have one maybe you shouldn'.


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    #49
    One eyed Jack
    Registered Users Posts: 23,673 ✭✭✭✭One eyed Jack


    jam_mac_jam wrote: »
    Also nobody with kids is ever going to say they regret having kids.


    Ohh I don’t know about that now :pac:


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    #50
    JupiterKid
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 12,596 Mod ✭✭✭✭JupiterKid


    As a gay man, I always imagined that children and any option of having them would be completely off the agenda for me whatever direction my life took.

    Of course these days, with the five year anniversary of the same-sex marriage referendum being won, surrogacy, fostering, adoption and joint parenting by gay and lesbian couples becoming more commonplace, lesbian couples having children especially and having the same challenges, joys, tribulations and issues as heterosexual parents in terms of parenting, the chance of me being a parent would be much more likely if I was 10 or 20 years younger. At 45, I think that ship has sailed.

    My partner and I discussed the possibility of children a couple of times, and whilst we both adore kids, we were under no illusion that they are very hard work, and that’s just in terms of making children a reality, given the challenges...

    I am happy to have seen my nephew and niece grow up and to have been a good uncle to them, and I have many friends who are parents, the oldest kids now in their teens (and two friends whose eldest are in their 20s) - they’ve told me that they are glad they had children, but that you have to completely put your own needs aside for the needs of your offspring, which is something I would be prepared to do if I was a parent.

    I’ve been told that I would be a good dad, as I love to play with kids and love the way that they have amazing imaginations and a very different, simpler, and largely happier worldview than often cynical and jaded adults. Of course given my struggles with severe anxiety closely followed by my descent into alcoholism between 2010 and 2017, I couldn’t have looked after a potted plant at my lowest ebb, let alone a child. But that said, a few people in recovery told me that one of their biggest regrets was not being there for their kids when they were in the midst of addiction, and the responsibilities of parenting seem frighteningly heavy.

    Of course it’s a rather cruel irony of life that often those who long the most for children are the ones denied that chance, for various reasons, and those who have children and cannot or will not raise them properly.


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    #51
    fits
    Registered Users Posts: 13,261 ✭✭✭✭fits


    I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids until I was told I probably couldn’t have kids and then I had twins - one of whom will probably live with us a long time. Ha ha!

    Wouldn’t change a thing. I honestly have never been happier or more grounded even though it’s fecking hard at times.


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    #52
    ladystardust
    Registered Users Posts: 131 ✭✭ladystardust


    OH and I were not going to have kids. I wasn't sure and neither was he, state of the world, etc
    Plus we really liked our lifestyle. Then a failure of contraception and a tipsy valentines night later, we have a 6 month old now. I really didnt know how it was going to go. I didbnt feel crazy maternal when I was pregnant (I also hated every second) and himself was cool but not overly excited. I was genuinely freaked.
    The good news is that the second they are born, nature does something mad to your brain and that's it, it's all them, and you are so cool with it. I'm wrecked (send coffee) but OH is the best dad and dotes on the kiddo. And I love our lives now too. Just in a different way. I can honestly say it has been the craziest and most intense 6 months of my life, but it was generally so much more fun than u thought it would be.


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    #53
    standardg60
    Registered Users Posts: 4,288 ✭✭✭standardg60


    jam_mac_jam wrote: »
    No some people don't want kids. They may be delighted by a suprise but that's not what I am taking about.

    If you have to look for reasons to have one maybe you shouldn'.

    Agree completely. Am questioning with the replies whether the OP is actually using the thread to have a prejudiced snipe at a perceived society where it is no longer considered 'safe' to have children.


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    #54
    A Consonant Please Carol
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭A Consonant Please Carol


    Candie wrote:
    Thanks, he's a couple of months old now so I'll get to tell him how he heralded the start of a pandemic!


    Congrats and good luck to you three. Great times


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    #55
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    The above post is typical of every parent,
    Yes they all love their kids
    It's the most amazing thing ever.
    The worst are the ones who didn't really want them, or were not sure......
    Them they had them, most fantastic thing ever!

    Which I'm sure it is for them, but if you have the choice....... Don't feel pressured


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    #56
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    jam_mac_jam wrote: »
    Also nobody with kids is ever going to say they regret having kids.

    You obviously haven't met my mother :D. We were told regularly that she never wanted children, now that we are all adults she doesn't talk to us. It messes you up to be in a family where you know your parent regrets you, it has such a huge impact on your mental health. I don't think it's possible to hide it either. You can't fake genuine parental love.


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    #57
    Day Lewin
    Registered Users Posts: 4,606 ✭✭✭Day Lewin


    Society is no more squalor now than it ever was, arguably a lot less.

    You can't be sold into slavery, or forced to work ninety hours in a coal mine. You get protected against most serious diseases and there are professional police to keep you and your property safe.

    Your life expectancy is greater than it ever was before, your home is centrally heated, and you expect comfort round the clock.

    The thing is, Hope is not about predicting someone's future: it's more about optimism, that humans can be happy and loving, whatever the circumstances.
    If you don't think they can, then please don't have kids. They might inherit your grumpy despairing genes.


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    #58
    rainbow kirby
    Moderators, Regional Abroad Moderators Posts: 26,928 Mod ✭✭✭✭rainbow kirby


    Have 2 (4 and 2 year old boys), love them to bits. Can't imagine life without them.

    But... I can completely understand why someone would choose not to have kids. You have to be all-in with it.


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    #59
    Day Lewin
    Registered Users Posts: 4,606 ✭✭✭Day Lewin


    eviltwin wrote: »
    You obviously haven't met my mother :D. We were told regularly that she never wanted children, now that we are all adults she doesn't talk to us. It messes you up to be in a family where you know your parent regrets you, it has such a huge impact on your mental health. I don't think it's possible to hide it either. You can't fake genuine parental love.

    You can practice it, though.
    Some people choose to not love their children: love is always a choice.
    I'm sorry to read about your mam. Sounds like she had problems, but it's a pity she wished them on you.


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    #60
    standardg60
    Registered Users Posts: 4,288 ✭✭✭standardg60


    What a great thread.
    The best ones are always those that cause emotion in people and become conduits of solace!


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    #61
    jrosen
    Registered Users Posts: 1,629 ✭✭✭jrosen


    Sometimes i look at my own and think they'd make great contraception.

    Having kids isn't for everyone. I think most parents are winging it. Some days are great and some days Id consider giving them away. The waves of pros and cons are forever changing.

    But you cant give them back.
    I also think there is a lot of pressure on couples for it to be the "right time" I dont care what anyone says there is no right time. No matter how prepared you think you are life will tell you otherwise.
    But if you have a solid base you stand as good a chance as anyone.

    To look at life through a childs eyes filled with wonder is an incredible thing.


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