Completely Put Off Having Children

fits

Gretas Gonna Get Ya! wrote: »

I applaud your honesty.

You'll be heavily criticised for publicly stating this... but I think deep down, we all know that many people are privately thinking the same thing!

I'm sure parents love their special needs children. But nobody (if they're being completely honest with themselves) would choose to have a disabled child. And it can be a very difficult lifestyle for those parents - I know from being quite close to two such families. It's not really anything like the life they imagined, when they decided to start a family.

I have a special needs child. He has an intellectual disability. I won’t name the condition as not many children have it so it’s too identifiable. Before he was born I thought it would be the worst possible thing that could happen a family. I would never have chosen it and I will not have anymore children because of the risk of them getting it too. It’s a moderate intellectual disability and he doesn’t seem to have any associated physical issues besides delayed development.

However I am genuine when I saw this, he is a wonderful human being and he makes us all better people. I am a much less selfish person since he came along and have tapped strengths I never knew I had. He will contribute to society and deserves to be accepted as a full member of it. And I will do be damned utmost to make sure that happens.

And by the way the worst possible thing that could happen is to have a child who is severely ill and suffering for any reason. Thankfully we don’t see the insides of the children hospitals very often but what you can see there would haunt you.

Nika Bolokov

When has society not been in absolute squalor?

If anything its a hell of a lot better than it was 20 or 30 years ago.

Bobblehats

Nika Bolokov wrote: »

When has society not been in absolute squalor?

If anything its a hell of a lot better than it was 20 or 30 years ago.

Hudja Nika Bolokov.

Here you can only put it off for so long

There is no right time to have children. It's one of those things you just have to do.

If you are decent parents the kids will be fine.

mr_fegelien

bb1234567 wrote: »

A very lazy and uninspiring outlook on life. Some people like a challenge , and feeling like they worked and deserve the pleasures they achieved in life. Most people would agree that life is still worth living and enjoyable even if it's not constant pleasure.

Nobody owes you anything in life. But if you're born here we have the capacity to achieve great things that result in enjoyable lifestyles for yourself and others , we could never do that if humans had expected only constant pleasure throughout their life with no intention of working to achieve that.

Some people are up for challenges but for others it's just misery after misery, especially since they didn't consent to those challenges in the first place.

"Nobody owes you anything in life"...lol

fits

xzanti wrote: »

So did I. Testing done at 11 weeks.

Thankfully all was well here too.

Harmony test is offered as standard in most hospitals now to women over 30 afaik.

It doesn’t pick up everything. My son’s condition would only be picked up by cvs/amniocentesis. That can only be offered later in pregnancy. Too late for me. I wouldn’t place myself in that position.

Thelonious Monk

https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2020/jun/01/sixth-mass-extinction-of-wildlife-accelerating-scientists-warn

this might put you off having kids!

patmac

I’m 59, happily married for 25 years, we have no kids, my wife has no maternal instincts and I have accepted that.
Do I have regrets? Very few, my wife and I have a very strong relationship, we are best friends and all that, so that helps and we have always had dogs, (as the saying goes people only have children because they can’t have dogs).
I live in a nice place, have lots of friends, involved in the local sports club, I am everyone’s favourite uncle, oh and have lots of money and a very good lifestyle.
We got grief at the start about not having kids, but that soon passed.
Each to their own, I would imagine we are a rare breed(sorry) but we are very happy with our decision. I am typing this on a day off ,over a cup of coffee, wandering which of the local woods we will bring the dogs for a walk.

Uptheduff

Im a new mum. Children were never a big priority for me. If I hadn't met the right person at the right time I could have happily remained childless. We decided to have a kid because we'd been happily together for a few years and were both approaching 40 so thought lets give it a try, if it doesn't work, no biggie.

We are enjoying having a little person in our lives. We are tired and sometimes a bit short tempered but on the whole parenting a new born isn't as exhausting, stressful or draining as I expected. It's lovely watching them develop and learn. I'm excited to see what type of person they become.

I don't feel my life is more fulfilling or worthwhile than it was before. I don't feel like I have a better understanding of love than I did previously. I suspected those kinds of assertions were BS and they are.

In my experience parenthood isn't as harrowing as I feared and isn't as euphoric as I was told. It's probably like any other experience, it is what you make of it. I will say that I feel very contented with my life and I'm happy with that!

pgj2015

Deleted User wrote: »

There is no right time to have children. It's one of those things you just have to do.

If you are decent parents the kids will be fine.

Not always the case. I have seen it many times, decent parents who did they best for their kids, sometimes their kids end up being complete scumbags.

jaxxx

One eyed Jack wrote: »

So in the current circumstances in which we find ourselves, either giving birth is morally wrong, or it isn’t? I can’t tell which from your post.

Because that’s the whole argument for antinatalism which I agree is indeed a crock, is as much a crock as the world is overpopulated with humans argument. If as you suggest humans aren’t that special, then the extinction of the species shouldn’t be an issue. Promoting antinatalism simply achieves the same result, faster. It’s probably for the best if people who hold those points of view actually practice what they preached, I don’t imagine anyone is going to object.

Different day, same ignorance from you Jack. Nice to see some things never change.

kowloon

Ave Sodalis wrote: »

I don't find babies cute. The idea of having children of my own gives me a sickly feeling of, quite frankly, revulsion. Don't get me wrong, I am good with children. I've had an active hand in helping to raise my siblings. However, the want to have my own is not there.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxVFzLUWLl8

Potential-Monke

I started reading this thread with the intention of reading all of it before commenting, but I got to the 7th page and started to see the similaries between posts, so no point continuing really.

Anyway, my 2 cents. I'm a 37 yo male. I don't want them. Looking back, I don't think I ever really did. Yeah, most go through those stages in early relationships, what will you name the kids (I had Tia or Mia for a girl, no idea for a boy, probably Raziel!). Anyway, the older I got (and continue to get), the more sure I am that I'm making the right decision. I was 15 when my 16yo brother got his missus pregnant, so I've seen how it changes your life. I also have other siblings with their own kids, two of which are on the lower end of children with special needs (genuine ADHD and the other is a functioning autistic). Both very challenging in very different ways.

From all this, I've deduced that they're not for me, for the following reasons.
A: I actually don't like children. They repeat stuff I already know over and over and I've to pretend to be amazed. I can't.
B: They're really loud, smelly and sticky, even into their teens. Ew.
C: I like my me time, and I like doing things that I enjoy doing, not because it's what someone else enjoys (especially the boring mundane crap that kids like)
I'm selfish. I look after me first, and I don't think that'll ever change.
E: I'm still a child in my mind.

My intention in life is to die as young as possible as late as possible. Having a kid would ruin that. I don't have the patience or want to be in charge of a mini-human. I ended a 7 year relationship as while she was insisting she didn't want them as long as we were together, I knew she was lying (she's now a happy single mother, the next lad gave her what she wanted, but decided to become a drug pushing, gambling alcoholic so out he went). I was very happy with her, was going to propose until I saw that look, and knew she wanted them, so I made that hard decision for both of us.

Anyway, just from the first few pages of this thread, I picked out a few examples of the extremely damaging words people use when someone says they don't want kids. Imagine if you will that you've come to the hard decision to not have kids (I actually found it easy, but there are some who shouldn't but do because of pressure, and they might not have otherwise). You've finally decided yes, not for me, and then people say the following (not picking anyone in particular, most parents sprout this nonsense):

I'd rather regret having a kid than regret not having one
- Terrible advice. Having a child is not something you should regret. Regretting having a child will be obvious, especially to your child, and good things most likely won't come from that.
Your children are your legacy
- Who can genuinely say they know the names of their great, great, great, great, great grandparents? I'm sure they thought they would leave a legacy too, except nobody remembers them. You only leave a legacy if you did something spectacular, otherwise you will be forgotten about like 99.99% of people in the world. Having children is not a legacy.
I'd find life very empty without my kid
- As pointed out to the person who made this, this is after having them. You can't say it was empty if it was never filled with that to begin with.
I think most parents are winging it.
- And that scares me. Parenting should not be winging it imo. I know there's a lot of general winging it, but every parent who actually cares should have their shyte together. It's the lack of proper planning, training and support that causes problem kids.
To look at life through a childs eyes filled with wonder is an incredible thing.
- I still look at life through a childs eyes. There's so much out there yet to experience, I don't want to spend most my life experiencing the same stuff again and answering all the god damn questions!
There's nothing in this world like the true love between a parent and a kid.
- BS. There are plenty of other things that could be considered better, but your view is skewed by your love for your child.
The only people in this world who truly care about you are your family. Friends come and go in life.
- Also not true. It should be, but it's not. True friends stay, true family stays, but there are so many examples of both coming and going. Family is a bond with someone, not just based on blood.

Just a few examples, but to someone who is already anxiety ridden over their decision to not have, they will feel pressured by comments like the above, and may end up just having them and regretting it every day.

My best friend (since I was 15, he's still around!) has 2 kids. He was like me, never wanted them. Found the woman of his dreams (like, crazy hot and well out of his league, he put his bullies in the right place). Lovely woman, didn't want them. About 9 years later they got married, no kids wanted still. And 4 years after that, her sister had a kid, she got broody then, everything changed and he decided to give it a go, twice.

He has regretted it every day since. He says his life is not his own. He's been to countless therapists, doctors, etc. He has taken all prescribed medication which made him worse/dependent. He turned to weed, and depending on the strain he was a far better father and started to enjoy parenting. But with it being illegal, you ca't guarantee a strain and sometimes got stuff that was too strong and made him paranoid. She gave him an ultimatum, give up the weed or the kids and he was close to giving up the latter! But he didn't, he's persevered, gone off the weed but back to barely holding it together. He's an MD with an IT company and is one of the best in his field, and loves work because it's the only time he's not parenting.

He loves his kids, would do anything for them. But in his own words, if he could turn back time he would never have them. I have him to thank for being the voice of truth when it comes to kids. I know 2 of my 4 siblings would not have them again if they had the choice, 1 of them would be 50/50 and the other would still love them (because he never thought he'd even be able to have a girlfriend, and now he's happily married with 2 kids).

It really is each to their own, but I think it's very dangerous to be telling people their life will not be complete without them, etc. In my opinion, it forces people to have them even if they really didn't. Society wants you to have them. And we reward people for having them (child benefit, stupid imo and shouldn't be given out as standard imo, maybe less people would have kids then). As a single male, I see all the stuff that parents get to make their lives easier, and I don't think there's anything else in life where people get so much help, in terms of assistance or money or discounts, etc, and all for a personal decision. Even my private life is being affected, by having mandatory maternity and child cover on my health insurance (because I'm definitely going to need the maternity cover, and there's no way I'd rather use that on something else, like increased mental health cover!).

I have more to say, but this is long enough for now! It's something I feel strongly about, and I believe that people are just having kids as it's the done thing to do. Serving as a Garda for 9 years has given me a negative view on life in general though...

SusieBlue

^Sorry but you can’t say your friend is ‘the voice of truth’ because he regrets having his kids, just because that happens to back up your own opinion on them.
It’s simply his own personal experience and can’t be universally applied to everyone. I’m sure if he was saying it was the best choice he had ever made you wouldn’t be calling him the ‘voice of truth’.

You know so many people who don’t enjoy parenthood and who actively regret (and openly admit to regretting) having their children that it isn’t surprising you are so against having them.

Potential-Monke

I believe it's more I know people who are honest. Saying that, they also admit that they can't say this to everyone because of the perception that you can't regret having them and all the other positive stuff you're expected to feel. So yeah, voice of truth to me at least. I think it's because I'm against having them that these people are willing to be truthful to me.

kowloon

Potential-Monke wrote: »

I ended a 7 year relationship as while she was insisting she didn't want them as long as we were together, I knew she was lying (she's now a happy single mother, the next lad gave her what she wanted, but decided to become a drug pushing, gambling alcoholic so out he went). I was very happy with her, was going to propose until I saw that look, and knew she wanted them, so I made that hard decision for both of us.

That's a pretty rough situation and decision to have to make.

Potential-Monke

kowloon wrote: »

That's a pretty rough situation and decision to have to make.

Thank you. Most people call me a fool for doing it. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, because I did (and still do, to a degree) love her. But what's that saying? If you love someone, let them go. TO be honest, I should have done it a lot sooner, but I thought all was dandy up to that point, when it started to become obvious she wouldn't be truly happy (in her mind) without a kid. But c'est la vie!

Ave Sodalis

SusieBlue wrote:

You know so many people who don’t enjoy parenthood and who actively regret (and openly admit to regretting) having their children that it isn’t surprising you are so against having them.

I actually think it's because people tend to be more open about it with people who don't want children. There's less of a chance of people acting like regretting children is akin to the highest of crimes. I also think the "voice of truth" comment is because people are considerably less likely to admit not wanting children due to the judgement faced for saying it.

dots03

Gretas Gonna Get Ya! wrote: »

it's just the lifestyle that puts me off having a family. You're basically a full-time minder for at least 18 years of your life. Every choice you make in life, right down to the smallest little choices, is dictated by the needs of your children.

I don't agree with this at all and think this is a common misconception.

As a parent of 3 children (one a teenager, the other two almost there) I pursue my own interests (playing footy, making music, going to gigs), as does my wife, on a fairly consistent basis.

Of course you make a big sacrifice regarding your own time when you have kids, especially for the first number of years, but once you find a groove it becomes easier. There is no requirement for parents to consider how every little choice factors in to the needs of your kids. You find a balance, and once they get past the baby\toddler stage there is more time and space to focus on your own interests and things that make "you" happy.

Tell me how

One of the things that does bother me about not having children is that I am missing out, and will probably continue to miss out on the companionship which many have with their offspring.
I look at the relationships many have with their adult children and am envious at the thought that I will not have that.

Is that selfish? Maybe, but if you view children as simply the negative impact on having to curtail your life while they are very young and don't consider the support and engagement they will hopefully be for a much longer period then I think you might be excluding yourself from what could be very enjoyable experiences.

KiKi III

I’ve never given it a lot of thought as it’s a long time since I’ve been in a long term relationship, but at my Nana’s deathbed this week as her 8 kids and tons of grandkids came in and out saying goodbye I thought how lonely death would be without any.

c.p.w.g.w

KiKi III wrote: »

I’ve never given it a lot of thought as it’s a long time since I’ve been in a long term relationship, but at my Nana’s deathbed this week as her 8 kids and tons of grandkids came in and out saying goodbye I thought how lonely death would be without any.

But is fear of being lonely on your deathbed a good reason to have children

KiKi III

c.p.w.g.w wrote: »

But is fear of being lonely on your deathbed a good reason to have children

It’s not just about her death I suppose; she died at 91 but for her last 6-7 years needed a lot of assistance from the family. Her husband died 20 years ago and most of her friends are gone long before her too. What would her “golden years” have been like with no family?

I don’t know if that’s a good enough reason to have kids but it gave me pause.