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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,039 M.T. Cranium
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    A bartender walked into a stable. A horse said, "why the short face?"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 38 Oscar1978


    What does an orphan get for Christmas?



    Lonely.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 38 Oscar1978


    Two lads discussing people when one says to the other , who was Robin Hoods girlfriend? The other lad replies Maid Marion. First guy says no wasn't it Trudy Glynn? Second lad says no. But what about the song says the first lad ? Which song comes the reply ? First lad ... Robin Hood Robin Hood riding Trudy Glynn....


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 49,731 coolhull
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    Last night I was watching TV in the sitting room, when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.
    " What would you like for dinner, my love? I have chicken, lamb or beef."
    "Thank you so much, sweetie", I replied. "I'll have the lamb, please, honeybuns."
    "Not you, ya fat bas*tard. You'll have a boiled egg as usual.
    I was talking to the cat."


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,211 Suckit
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    It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
    It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

    The difference is staggering.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,831 RobMc59
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    I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt lorry tonight..

    "You idiot!"I shouted through gritted teeth..


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,658 The Princess Bride
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    My friend says he's designed an invisible aircraft.
    I can't see it taking off.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,211 Suckit
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    My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia

    But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fcuk you!


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,246 Capt'n Midnight
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious.

    If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they please let me know,



    I need to borrow some chairs.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,246 Capt'n Midnight
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    It breaks my heart that pirates spend their whole lives following a map, when the real treasure is the friendships they build along the way


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 572 el_gaucho
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    Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious.

    If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they please let me know,



    I need to borrow some chairs.

    You could ask Byrner88 if he’s finished with them!


  • Posts: 31,896 [Deleted User]
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    Why does Donald Trump have his Christmas dinner on a plastic plate? He doesn’t get on with China.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,898 Ken.
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    Paedophile rapist Joseph McCann has been found guilty of 37 counts of rape against women and children.

    He is now officially the third worst McCann in Britain to ask to babysit your children


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,381 randd1
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    Nosnon wrote: »
    Paedophile rapist Joseph McCann has been found guilty of 37 counts of rape against women and children.

    He is now officially the third worst McCann in Britain to ask to babysit your children

    That is just horrible. Horrible, horrible horrible.

    But Christ, did I laugh.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,658 The Princess Bride
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    A friend has said he might invest in my ski-lift business, I told him I might take him up on it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,564 whiskeyman
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    A friend has said he might invest in my ski-lift business, I told him I might take him up on it.

    He's clearly taking the piste...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,347 Ubbquittious
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    This conservationist fella I know is working on a form of 'Pfizer riser' in order to encourage pandas to procreate and hopefully avoid going extinct. A lot of things have been tried in this field with little success and I was skeptical at first but he invited me over to China so I went to have a look. So he took me deep into the forest to test facility that had been built for this and carefully peeked in through the door, and sure enough there was a fierce pandamoanium happening inside there altogether


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 673 Sharp MZ700
    ✭✭✭


    This conservationist fella I know is working on a form of 'Pfizer riser' in order to encourage pandas to procreate and hopefully avoid going extinct. A lot of things have been tried in this field with little success and I was skeptical at first but he invited me over to China so I went to have a look. So he took me deep into the forest to test facility that had been built for this and carefully peeked in through the door, and sure enough there was a fierce pandamoanium happening inside there altogether

    He gave you proof there in black and white.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,039 M.T. Cranium
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    whiskeyman wrote: »
    He's clearly taking the piste...

    He can telemark a mile away.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 572 el_gaucho
    ✭✭✭


    He gave you proof there in front of you in black and white.

    Laid bear so to speak.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,255 joeguevara
    ✭✭✭


    This conservationist fella I know is working on a form of 'Pfizer riser' in order to encourage pandas to procreate and hopefully avoid going extinct. A lot of things have been tried in this field with little success and I was skeptical at first but he invited me over to China so I went to have a look. So he took me deep into the forest to test facility that had been built for this and carefully peeked in through the door, and sure enough there was a fierce pandamoanium happening inside there altogether

    Heard the brand name is 'eats, shoots and leaves'.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,202 jimgoose
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    randd1 wrote: »
    That is just horrible. Horrible, horrible horrible.

    But Christ, did I laugh.

    I'm not too gone on this Santa Clause chap either - I hear he lets himself into children's bedrooms on Christmas Night and empties his sack.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,874 Edgware
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    jimgoose wrote: »
    I'm not too gone on this Santa Clause chap either - I hear he lets himself into children's bedrooms on Christmas Night and empties his sack.

    Its only once a year


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,658 The Princess Bride
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    Computer: enter your password.

    Me: fortnight

    Computer: your password is two week.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,194 foxy farmer
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    Pat the poet was having trouble trying to finish a difficult poem. He went out for a walk for some inspiration. While out walking he met Mick a fellow poet.
    "Howya getting on Pat?" he asks.
    "Not great. I cant get my latest poem finished. I've been looking for a single word for two weeks".
    Mick answers quick as a flash.
    "How about a fortnight?"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,831 RobMc59
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    Saw a sign that made me piss myself today...

    Toilets closed!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,658 The Princess Bride
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    Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 oil at me today.
    Luckily, I only received superfishoil injuries.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,246 Capt'n Midnight
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    Germans: OK, so our country is called Deutschland

    French: got it. the country of Allemagne

    Germans: ...no? that doesn't even sound like it

    English: oh no, we got it, it's Germany

    Germans: not even close

    Polish: it's Niemcy, right?
    Germans: how are you each getting it wrong in a completely different way

    Danes: Tyskland

    Lithuanians: Vokietija

    Germans: ...
    Germans: anyone else?

    Finns: Saksa

    Germans: you know what? sure. whatever


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,246 Capt'n Midnight
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    If I meet you for a date and you don't look anything like your pic, you're buying drinks for me until you do :P


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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,246 Capt'n Midnight
    Mod ✭✭✭✭


    My neighbour's diary says I have boundary issues.


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