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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

Original thread here

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M.T. Cranium

A bartender walked into a stable. A horse said, "why the short face?"

Oscar1978

What does an orphan get for Christmas?

Lonely.

Oscar1978

Two lads discussing people when one says to the other , who was Robin Hoods girlfriend? The other lad replies Maid Marion. First guy says no wasn't it Trudy Glynn? Second lad says no. But what about the song says the first lad ? Which song comes the reply ? First lad ... Robin Hood Robin Hood riding Trudy Glynn....

coolhull

Last night I was watching TV in the sitting room, when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.
" What would you like for dinner, my love? I have chicken, lamb or beef."
"Thank you so much, sweetie", I replied. "I'll have the lamb, please, honeybuns."
"Not you, ya fat bas*tard. You'll have a boiled egg as usual.
I was talking to the cat."

Suckit

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

RobMc59

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt lorry tonight..

"You idiot!"I shouted through gritted teeth..

The Princess Bride

My friend says he's designed an invisible aircraft.
I can't see it taking off.

Suckit

My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia

But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fcuk you!

Capt'n Midnight

Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious.

If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they please let me know,

I need to borrow some chairs.

Capt'n Midnight

It breaks my heart that pirates spend their whole lives following a map, when the real treasure is the friendships they build along the way

el_gaucho

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious.

If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they please let me know,

I need to borrow some chairs.

You could ask Byrner88 if he’s finished with them!

[Deleted User]

Why does Donald Trump have his Christmas dinner on a plastic plate? He doesn’t get on with China.

Ken.

Paedophile rapist Joseph McCann has been found guilty of 37 counts of rape against women and children.

He is now officially the third worst McCann in Britain to ask to babysit your children

randd1

Nosnon wrote: »

Paedophile rapist Joseph McCann has been found guilty of 37 counts of rape against women and children.

He is now officially the third worst McCann in Britain to ask to babysit your children

That is just horrible. Horrible, horrible horrible.

But Christ, did I laugh.

The Princess Bride

A friend has said he might invest in my ski-lift business, I told him I might take him up on it.

whiskeyman

The Princess Bride wrote: »

A friend has said he might invest in my ski-lift business, I told him I might take him up on it.

He's clearly taking the piste...

Ubbquittious

This conservationist fella I know is working on a form of 'Pfizer riser' in order to encourage pandas to procreate and hopefully avoid going extinct. A lot of things have been tried in this field with little success and I was skeptical at first but he invited me over to China so I went to have a look. So he took me deep into the forest to test facility that had been built for this and carefully peeked in through the door, and sure enough there was a fierce pandamoanium happening inside there altogether

Sharp MZ700

Ubbquittious wrote: »

This conservationist fella I know is working on a form of 'Pfizer riser' in order to encourage pandas to procreate and hopefully avoid going extinct. A lot of things have been tried in this field with little success and I was skeptical at first but he invited me over to China so I went to have a look. So he took me deep into the forest to test facility that had been built for this and carefully peeked in through the door, and sure enough there was a fierce pandamoanium happening inside there altogether

He gave you proof there in black and white.

M.T. Cranium

whiskeyman wrote: »

He's clearly taking the piste...

He can telemark a mile away.

el_gaucho

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

He gave you proof there in front of you in black and white.

Laid bear so to speak.

joeguevara

Ubbquittious wrote: »

This conservationist fella I know is working on a form of 'Pfizer riser' in order to encourage pandas to procreate and hopefully avoid going extinct. A lot of things have been tried in this field with little success and I was skeptical at first but he invited me over to China so I went to have a look. So he took me deep into the forest to test facility that had been built for this and carefully peeked in through the door, and sure enough there was a fierce pandamoanium happening inside there altogether

Heard the brand name is 'eats, shoots and leaves'.

jimgoose

randd1 wrote: »

That is just horrible. Horrible, horrible horrible.

But Christ, did I laugh.

I'm not too gone on this Santa Clause chap either - I hear he lets himself into children's bedrooms on Christmas Night and empties his sack.

Edgware

jimgoose wrote: »

I'm not too gone on this Santa Clause chap either - I hear he lets himself into children's bedrooms on Christmas Night and empties his sack.

Its only once a year

The Princess Bride

Computer: enter your password.

Me: fortnight

Computer: your password is two week.

foxy farmer

Pat the poet was having trouble trying to finish a difficult poem. He went out for a walk for some inspiration. While out walking he met Mick a fellow poet.
"Howya getting on Pat?" he asks.
"Not great. I cant get my latest poem finished. I've been looking for a single word for two weeks".
Mick answers quick as a flash.
"How about a fortnight?"

RobMc59

Saw a sign that made me piss myself today...

Toilets closed!

The Princess Bride

Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 oil at me today.
Luckily, I only received superfishoil injuries.

Capt'n Midnight

Germans: OK, so our country is called Deutschland

French: got it. the country of Allemagne

Germans: ...no? that doesn't even sound like it

English: oh no, we got it, it's Germany

Germans: not even close

Polish: it's Niemcy, right?
Germans: how are you each getting it wrong in a completely different way

Danes: Tyskland

Lithuanians: Vokietija

Germans: ...
Germans: anyone else?

Finns: Saksa

Germans: you know what? sure. whatever

Capt'n Midnight

If I meet you for a date and you don't look anything like your pic, you're buying drinks for me until you do :P

Capt'n Midnight

My neighbour's diary says I have boundary issues.