The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

its_steve116

What do you get when you cross a former Tipperary TD with Buzz Lightyear's arch enemy?

Martin Man-Zurg

FrancieBrady

Q: What do you get if you cross Donald Trump and Prince Andrew?

A: Killed in a prison cell.

RobMc59

**BREAKING NEWS**
A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger..

jaykay74

What have Prince Andrew and Man United got in common?

Both awful since Fergie left

M.T. Cranium

A man was pulled over on the highway after police observed that he was following a Brinks truck.

When asked to explain, he said, "follow the money."

Capt'n Midnight

The stages of grief:
1) Anger
2) Denial
3) Bargaining
4) Desperation
5) Sign Jose Mourinho
6) Acceptance

tayto lover

The Six Million Dollar Man screwed the arse off the Bionic Woman.

Oscar1978

Anyone for bum jokes ? Cos I've got piles ....

Capt'n Midnight

Saw Emile Heskey in Tesco earlier.

Went to push his trolley through the door but put it wide

tayto lover

Saw your car outside the VD clinic.
You must have been poxed to get parking there.

Capt'n Midnight

Polish is what I studied for three years.

Now I know which one works best for each surface.

blinding

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Polish is what I studied for three years.

Now I know which one works best for each surface.

Did you take a shine to it ?

RobMc59

I've just bought a new aftershave,it smells like breadcrumbs...

The birds love it!.

TheBody

I've been diagnosed with the chronic fear of giants...

Feefiphobia.

RobMc59

Josés last 6 jobs. You couldn't make it up

C helsea
I nter
R eal
C helsea
U nited
S purs

byrner88

I said to my neighbour, "I'm not one to tell tales, but I saw your son with a prostitute in town today."

He said, "Are you sure? He was out with his Mother."

I said, "Oh, that was your wife, sorry."

Oscar1978

Saw this frisbee the other day , it kept getting bigger and bigger .... then it hit me.

Oscar1978

The wife and I were shopping today in Tesco. All of a sudden she shouts " you're the laziest bastard I know "!! I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley.

byrner88

I shot my first turkey today.

Scared the **** out of everyone in Tesco though.

Capt'n Midnight

The ringtone for my phone is:

Da da da da DAH da

Da da da da da

Da da da da da DAAAAAAH








It's a Huawei 5.0.

TheBody

My friend is half Indian.

Ian

LaFuton

what is a fish without bicycle

patmac

I may not be the sexiest man alive but I’m definitely in the top three billion.

TheChevron

My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.

chewed

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

byrner88

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll kill you. When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
Great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already feeling at home.

decky1

barman asked me why i looked so sad, i said me and the wife had a big row and she said she not talking to me for a month', that good is'nt it he said , no said i the months up tomorrow.

decky1

Coming home from the pub last night my wife said to me 'honey you can be on top tonight' jesus i love bunk beds.

decky1

Girl is telling her friend about her latest date, 'he took me to the cinema , when the lights went out he put his hand down my top , then up my skirt, this went on all through the film, he's a fcuken ejit sure i had the sweets in my pocket.

el_gaucho

“Jesus loves you”.
A nice thing to hear at mass, a terrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison.