The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

My girlfriend thinks I'm creepy.







Well, she's not my girlfriend yet.

M.T. Cranium

So Greta is person of the year. I bet she doesn't repeat in 2031, twelve years from now.

tayto lover

Are small barmen counter productive?

Are people who jump into the river in Paris insane?

Gloomtastic!

Bumped into the guy who invented the globe last night.

He told me that it’s a small world.

tayto lover

Saw the grave of the man who invented crossword puzzles.
6 down, 4 across.

iamstop

A washtub and a faucet knock on the door.

Let that sink in.

kildare lad

You won't see me around here for a while, I'm being investigated for robbing an inflatable mattress

I gotta lilo

iamstop

Someone broke into the toilet factory and stole all the toilets.
Police have nothing to go on.

A large hole was discovered in the south wall of the nudist colony.
Police are looking into it.

A box of 50 wigs was stolen from the costume shop.
Police are combing the area.

foxy farmer

Dear Son
I haven't written to you since the last time I wrote. I'm writing this very slowly because I know you can't read very quickly. If you don't get this letter write and let me know at once. When you write there's no need to put our address on the envelope as the postman knows well enough where we live by now.

We were in Ballybuniion for a week this summer and it only rained twice- the first time for 3 days and the second time for 4 days. Your father has got a new job were is in charge of 300 people- he's cutting the grass in the local cemetery. Your aunt Josephine has had her appendix taken out and a new washing machine installed. Uncle Tom the one who drank 10 glasses of Andrew's liver salts every day with the last 30 years died last week. We had to beat his liver to death with a stick.
The crowd next door are apparently keeping pigs in their backyard. We only got wind of it yesterday. Your uncle Frank who works in the brewery was drowned in a beer vat last week. He didn't have a painful end though as he climbed out 3 times to go to the Jack's.
I'm sending you 3 socks by parcel post as you said in your last letter that you had grown another foot since you left home. I'm also sending you a new jacket and to save weight I've cut off all the buttons. You'll find them in the pocket.

May God protect you
from your loving Mother.


PS. I would have enclosed 20 quid but I had already sealed the envelope.

chewed

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.

patmac

I remember when I was a kid and all I wanted for Christmas was an Action Man.
I got this plastic doll with a cord on its back and when you pulled it it said "20, 20, 25, 25, 25, 30......"
I looked on the box..............Auction Man.

FrancieBrady

patmac wrote: »

I remember when I was a kid and all I wanted for Christmas was an Action Man.
I got this plastic doll with a cord on its back and when you pulled it it said "20, 20, 25, 25, 25, 30......"
I looked on the box..............Auction Man.

We were that poor I got an empty box on Christmas morning, my dad said it was Action Man but he had deserted.


* We were that poor, only I had an erection on Christmas morning I'd have had nothing to play with!!

decky1

for the last 5 years i've been the front of a panto horse, this year they asked me would i do the back end, i've decided to quit while i'm a head.

Edgware

FrancieBrady wrote: »

We were that poor I got an empty box on Christmas morning, my dad said it was Action Man but he had deserted.


* We were that poor, only I had an erection on Christmas morning I'd have had nothing to play with!!

We were so poor that we couldn't afford laxatives so the Da would sit me on the pot and tell me ghost stories.
Five of us shared the one bed. I was the smallest so they always put me in the deep end. I could swim before I coud walk.

Sheridan81

My mom and dad were doctors and said they'd get me the game Operation for Christmas. I've been waiting 5 years.

joeguevara

Doctor gave me 6 months to live so I shot him. Judge gave me 30 years. Win.

byrner88

We stood face to face, gazing into each others eyes.

Then she said the three little words that changed my life forever

"That's him, Garda"

Oscar1978

FrancieBrady wrote: »

We were that poor I got an empty box on Christmas morning, my dad said it was Action Man but he had deserted.


* We were that poor, only I had an erection on Christmas morning I'd have had nothing to play with!!

We were so poor we couldn't even pay attention.

Suckit

Oscar1978 wrote: »

We were so poor we couldn't even pay attention.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAdlkunflRs

byrner88

Magician: Is this your card?
Me: No
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: No
Magician: This one?
Me:No, and when is my usual postman coming back?

everlast75

Tried calling the tinnitus helpline.

No answer.

Just kept ringing.

jaykay74

I'm like the census, I'm broken down by age, sex, and religion

Oscar1978

Suckit wrote: »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAdlkunflRs

Brilliant .... absolute quality

Capt'n Midnight

Never do a runner from an Ethiopian restaurant.

Capt'n Midnight

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-50811266

A trailer full of Brussels sprouts has spilled over a road and pavement in Fife.

The driver said he had trouble controlling the vehicle due to bad wind.

RobMc59

My son is taking part in a social experiment,he has to wear a liverpool shirt for next two weeks to see how people react.
So far he's been spat at,punched and verbally abused.It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house!!

Edgware

A lad went looking for a job on a turkey farm coming up to Christmas. The boss said " all I have is a job **** turkeys. It helps keeping them relaxed and they put on weight"
So the lad took the job. After the first day he was nearly worn out coming to finishing time.
He saw a massive turkey waddling across the yard going " gobble gobble gobble"
"Well" says your man " you can **** off. You'll get a **** like the rest of them"

Bob Harris

Paddy was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi Beach but had trouble making it with any of the girls there. So he asked the local Lifeguard for some advice.
"mate, it's obvious" says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old bloke".

"They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm telling ya mate.....you'll have all the babes ya want!".

The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everyone on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces turning away and laughing, looking sick.
So Paddy went back to the lifeguard and asked him,
"What's wrong now?"

"JEEPERS!!! mate" said the lifeguard, "Maaaate, the potato goes in the front!"

TheBody

According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a persons aura changes to cyan before they die.



Cyan aura.

decky1

I was delivered by cesarean section, now every time i leave the house i have to go out through the window.