The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

its_steve116 · 17-11-2019 10:57PM

What do you get when you cross a former Tipperary TD with Buzz Lightyear's arch enemy?

Martin Man-Zurg

FrancieBrady · 17-11-2019 11:04PM

Q: What do you get if you cross Donald Trump and Prince Andrew?

A: Killed in a prison cell.

RobMc59 · 18-11-2019 06:16AM

**BREAKING NEWS**
A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger..

jaykay74 · 18-11-2019 09:57AM

What have Prince Andrew and Man United got in common?

Both awful since Fergie left

M.T. Cranium · 20-11-2019 08:14AM

A man was pulled over on the highway after police observed that he was following a Brinks truck.

When asked to explain, he said, "follow the money."

Capt'n Midnight · 20-11-2019 09:03PM

The stages of grief:
1) Anger
2) Denial
3) Bargaining
4) Desperation
5) Sign Jose Mourinho
6) Acceptance

tayto lover · 20-11-2019 09:23PM

The Six Million Dollar Man screwed the arse off the Bionic Woman.

Oscar1978 · 21-11-2019 07:17PM

Anyone for bum jokes ? Cos I've got piles ....

Capt'n Midnight · 21-11-2019 10:32PM

Saw Emile Heskey in Tesco earlier.

Went to push his trolley through the door but put it wide

tayto lover · 22-11-2019 12:30AM

Saw your car outside the VD clinic.
You must have been poxed to get parking there.

Capt'n Midnight · 22-11-2019 11:30PM

Polish is what I studied for three years.

Now I know which one works best for each surface.

blinding · 23-11-2019 12:06AM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Polish is what I studied for three years.

Now I know which one works best for each surface.

Did you take a shine to it ?

RobMc59 · 23-11-2019 02:02AM

I've just bought a new aftershave,it smells like breadcrumbs...

The birds love it!.

TheBody · 23-11-2019 08:16AM

I've been diagnosed with the chronic fear of giants...

Feefiphobia.

RobMc59 · 23-11-2019 11:01PM

Josés last 6 jobs. You couldn't make it up

C helsea
I nter
R eal
C helsea
U nited
S purs

byrner88 · 24-11-2019 02:42AM

I said to my neighbour, "I'm not one to tell tales, but I saw your son with a prostitute in town today."

He said, "Are you sure? He was out with his Mother."

I said, "Oh, that was your wife, sorry."

Oscar1978 · 24-11-2019 08:44PM

Saw this frisbee the other day , it kept getting bigger and bigger .... then it hit me.

Oscar1978 · 24-11-2019 08:47PM

The wife and I were shopping today in Tesco. All of a sudden she shouts " you're the laziest bastard I know "!! I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley.

byrner88 · 25-11-2019 01:36AM

I shot my first turkey today.

Scared the **** out of everyone in Tesco though.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-11-2019 10:23PM

The ringtone for my phone is:

Da da da da DAH da

Da da da da da

Da da da da da DAAAAAAH

It's a Huawei 5.0.

TheBody · 26-11-2019 10:48PM

My friend is half Indian.

Ian

LaFuton · 27-11-2019 03:54AM

what is a fish without bicycle

patmac · 27-11-2019 08:58AM

I may not be the sexiest man alive but I’m definitely in the top three billion.

TheChevron · 28-11-2019 11:12AM

My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.

chewed · 28-11-2019 05:56PM

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

byrner88 · 29-11-2019 01:14AM

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll kill you. When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
Great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already feeling at home.

decky1 · 29-11-2019 01:56AM

barman asked me why i looked so sad, i said me and the wife had a big row and she said she not talking to me for a month', that good is'nt it he said , no said i the months up tomorrow.

decky1 · 29-11-2019 02:05AM

Coming home from the pub last night my wife said to me 'honey you can be on top tonight' jesus i love bunk beds.

decky1 · 29-11-2019 02:10AM

Girl is telling her friend about her latest date, 'he took me to the cinema , when the lights went out he put his hand down my top , then up my skirt, this went on all through the film, he's a fcuken ejit sure i had the sweets in my pocket.

el_gaucho · 29-11-2019 08:02AM

“Jesus loves you”.
A nice thing to hear at mass, a terrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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