The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Booms · 29-08-2019 01:57AM

One from the absolutely brilliant Barry Cryer:

A friend of mine went on Stars on Their Eyes, said "Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be The Great Glen Miller", disappeared into the cloud, and was never seen again!"

joeguevara · 29-08-2019 02:10AM

I saw a bloke with only one arm and one leg getting hanged today. My first response was to shout out letters.

tayto lover · 29-08-2019 08:37AM

joeguevara wrote: »

I saw a bloke with only one arm and one leg getting hanged today. My first response was to shout out letters.

In some parts of the world they cant hang a man with a wooden leg.

They have to use a rope.

BENDYBINN · 29-08-2019 10:05AM

tayto lover wrote: »

In some parts of the world they cant hang a man with a wooden leg.

They have to use a rope.

In some parts of the world you need a license to go on the internet....

Bob Harris · 29-08-2019 01:09PM

A recent study has shown that married life is in the top four states, bettered only by being single, widowed and death.

milltown · 29-08-2019 05:06PM

Whenever I see somebody with no chin, my first thought is:

How do they put on pillowcases?

M.T. Cranium · 30-08-2019 05:25AM

I used to have a fear of vowels, it's known as vwlphb.

upupup · 30-08-2019 09:38AM

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

I used to have a fear of vowels, it's known as vwlphb.

sffr frm tht t .

30-08-2019 09:43AM

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

I used to have a fear of vowels, it's known as vwlphb.

Considering, "Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia" is the fear of long words, I'd say "Aeiouoia" would be more accurate :pac:

Capt'n Midnight · 30-08-2019 10:31AM

Deleted User wrote: »

Considering, "Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia" is the fear of long words, I'd say "Aeiouoia" would be more accurate :pac:

shouldn't that be "Euoia" or "Ueoia"

New Home · 30-08-2019 10:45AM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

shouldn't that be "Euoia" or "Ueoia"

Yes, but in French (the former) and Portuguese (the latter).

byrner88 · 31-08-2019 02:36AM

Just back from a pub quiz tonight and one of the questions was: What have Nicole Kidman, Kylie Minogue and Julia Roberts got in common?

Apparently, women who I've masturbated to was not the answer.

byrner88 · 31-08-2019 02:39AM

A guy is on hill 16 during a Dublin match. He looks across and see an old man watching the game with a dog sitting at his feet. Dublin score a point. The dogs jumps up and runs in a circle around the old man's feet. 2 minutes later dublin score a goal. The dog jumps up and does 3 circles around the old man's feet. The match ends and Dublin win. The dog goes nuts jumping everywhere. The guy goes up to the old man and says "your dog is amazing. He must really love Dublin....but what does he do when Dublin lose" the old man looked up and says " no idea. I've only had him 4 years".

joeguevara · 31-08-2019 02:43AM

Was chatting to a guy with a stutter this evening and he was telling me about visiting his nana...half way through the story the whole pub was singing Hey Jude.

Purple Mountain · 31-08-2019 03:33AM

With GDPR, doctor's receptionists are no longer allowed to call patients by their names in the waiting room.
So instead, you'll hear the likes of 'would the woman with the vaginal rash, go to room 1 now please?'

byrner88 · 01-09-2019 01:19PM

I just checked the inbox of my email account to find it full of the usual offers of penis extensions, viagra, hair loss remedies and how to lose weight quickly. I wouldn't mind, but they were all from my wife.

tayto lover · 02-09-2019 11:39AM

Saw two blind lads fighting on the street the other night.
I just shouted “ my money’s on the one with the knife”.
You should have seen how fast both of them ran.

New Home · 02-09-2019 04:27PM

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

waynescales1 · 02-09-2019 08:38PM

Man: "My wife has gone off to the Caribbean."

Other man: "Jamaica?"

Man: "No, she went of her own accord".

byrner88 · 03-09-2019 09:24PM

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor...
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie’s pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess..”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie ?”
Debbie says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man, I’m still a virgin!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out into orbit. About five minutes pass and finally, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there’s no way I’m going to miss it this time . !!

byrner88 · 05-09-2019 03:03AM

A scouser goes onto Dragons Den and shows them an old shotgun & gamekeepers pouch.

Peter Jones says " and what's your idea?"

The scouser replies : It's a simple concept Peter, Just put the money in the bag "

tayto lover · 05-09-2019 01:18PM

byrner88 wrote: »

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor...
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie’s pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess..”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie ?”
Debbie says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man, I’m still a virgin!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out into orbit. About five minutes pass and finally, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there’s no way I’m going to miss it this time . !!

I thought it was going to end “ and they’ll not find a virgin around these parts either”.

ohnonotgmail · 05-09-2019 04:49PM

something reminded me of a joke i first heard over 25 years ago. maybe some of the young ones have not heard it.

Pierre, a famous French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.

"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.

"My name is Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!

byrner88 · 06-09-2019 12:49AM

I told my daughter "It's always been my dream to walk you down the aisle. "

She said "Dad we're grocery shopping."

byrner88 · 07-09-2019 04:06AM

Keith and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that
she'll try being a Call girl.She's not quite sure what to do, so Keith says,
"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred
Quid. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a
guy pulls up and asks "How much?" She says, "A hundred Quid." He replies,
"All I got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Keith and asks. "What now. What can he
get for thirty?"

"A hand job," Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for
thirty Quid is a hand job.

He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this
huge willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right
back." She runs back to Keith.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy Quid?"

byrner88 · 07-09-2019 05:07AM

A friend just told me that my daughter and wife look like twins.

I said "Well they were separated at birth."

Capt'n Midnight · 07-09-2019 12:34PM

I was walking down the street and I found a cricket ball. As I carried on I found another cricket ball. As I walked on I came upon a cricket crying its eyes out.

dilallio · 08-09-2019 10:52AM

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

byrner88 · 09-09-2019 12:06AM

"Paddy sit down, I have something to tell you. I'm pregnant and it's not yours."

"Of course it's not mine silly, I'm not the one who's pregnant."

byrner88 · 10-09-2019 01:03AM

When I lost the fingers of my right hand in an accident.
I asked the doctor if I'd still be able to write with it.
"Possibly!" He replied. "But I wouldn't count on it!"

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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