How common is it for people to never find an other half or have kids?

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 09:27PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Maybe I just get out and about more than you do and mingle with a wider range of people?

See, we can all be at the passive aggressive, petty insults.

I wasn't being passive aggressive or petty. You've noticed this comes up a lot on your conversations with people, several other posters have said it's not something they perceive as common.

I meet quite a wide range of people day to day, but there's very few of them I'd discuss my relationship status with. Maybe you're having personal conversations with people you don't know well enough to be having them with?

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 09:30PM

The Dalai Lama wrote: »

That has never happened to me, maybe for the best.

There is a girl I know on a casual basis. I think she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. We get to know each other and start hanging out. One night she invites me back to her house. We kiss a bit and then she seems to freak out and tells me she dosen't want a ons. That's fine I think. I text her to try and meet up again and flat out tells me she's not interested.

Now when I see her she just ignores me. Why treat a man like that? What do you get out of it?

Makes me think of that scene in The Simpsons where the girl rips Bart's heart out. 'You won't be needing this again...' Indeed.

I'd say how she's treating you has very little to do with you personally and more to do with whatever is happening in her life and in her head. Have you thought about asking her?

The other option is maybe she was just bored or lonely that evening and used you, and she really isn't interested - which is just a pretty ****ty, cruel way to treat someone.

Autecher · 22-07-2019 09:35PM

Chris_5339762 wrote: »

Dalai, I'm in the opposite boat... ish. When I go out with someone they latch on very very hard and very very fast and I've been scared off by more than one lady who has gotten way too far way too fast for me. Think telling me she is in love with me after our third date. Crazy.

The Dalai Lama wrote: »

I seem to be superficially attractive to women.

Dafuq is this humblebrag bullshít? I’d kill to have 1 woman find me attractive! Fùck both you guys! :P

SusieBlue · 22-07-2019 09:35PM

kikilarue2 wrote: »

I'd say how she's treating you has very little to do with you personally and more to do with whatever is happening in her life and in her head. Have you thought about asking her?

The other option is maybe she was just bored or lonely that evening and used you, and she really isn't interested - which is just a pretty ****ty, cruel way to treat someone.

OT but good to see you back, hope you stick around!

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 09:39PM

kikilarue2 wrote: »

I wasn't being passive aggressive or petty. You've noticed this comes up a lot on your conversations with people, several other posters have said it's not something they perceive as common.

I meet quite a wide range of people day to day, but there's very few of them I'd discuss my relationship status with. Maybe you're having personal conversations with people you don't know well enough to be having them with?

And the implication there is that I'm either choosing to be around sh1tty people or have no boundaries in place.

No, I genuinely do meet a lot of different people. I work two jobs (both with loads of employees), volunteer, attend several hobby groups and also have an enormous family.

While I wouldn't choose to be friends with the type of person who thinks a woman over 30 is worthless if she doesn't have a partner, there are a lot of them around.

Hannibal_Smith · 22-07-2019 09:41PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Not really tbh. I think it's quite common for people to project their issues in this way. It's not coming from a logical place. They've followed the life script and done everything they're 'supposed' to do and they're not happy, so they lash out at those who have made different choices (or who simply haven't met anyone).

The woman at my work who just finished a PhD, some other woman actually snidely asked what the point was, "all that effort for a piece of paper", and wouldn't she have been better off focusing on finding a relationship so she wouldn't end up alone. This reeks of projection to me. Woman 2 has dedicated her life to finding a man, and is in a mediocre office job and is trying to convince herself that she's better than the woman who focused on academics and other things. I think there's an element of 'at least I'm not her, at least I have a husband' there.

But isn't that what you're trying to do? Follow the script and do what's supposed to be done? You want marriage and kids, right?

You seem to be judging marriage and kids yourself? But that's what you're striving for?

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 09:41PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

While I wouldn't choose to be friends with the type of person who thinks a woman over 30 is worthless if she doesn't have a partner, there are a lot of them around.

I have never, ever met someone who has expressed anything close to this point of view, and if I'm totally honest, I think you're exaggerating.

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 09:43PM

Autecher wrote: »

Dafuq is this humblebrag bullshít? I’d kill to have 1 woman find me attractive! Fùck both you guys! :P

I can almost guarantee there is one woman somewhere who finds you attractive - it could be for something like your intelligence, sense of humour, accent, personality... anything.

kunst nugget · 22-07-2019 09:49PM

kikilarue2 wrote: »

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

While I wouldn't choose to be friends with the type of person who thinks a woman over 30 is worthless if she doesn't have a partner, there are a lot of them around.

I have never, ever met someone who has expressed anything close to this point of view, and if I'm totally honest, I think you're exaggerating.

Was going to post this as well. I've never once heard anyone express this opinion.

Leg End Reject · 22-07-2019 09:51PM

Lainey are you posting from the 1950s? Your experiences are bizarre unless you're projecting your own issues onto other people.

Autecher · 22-07-2019 09:52PM

kikilarue2 wrote: »

I can almost guarantee there is one woman somewhere who finds you attractive - it could be for something like your intelligence, sense of humour, accent, personality... anything.

Awww. Thanks!

Me right now
tenor.gif?itemid=5684256

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 09:58PM

The Dalai Lama wrote: »

That has never happened to me, maybe for the best.

There is a girl I know on a casual basis. I think she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. We get to know each other and start hanging out. One night she invites me back to her house. We kiss a bit and then she seems to freak out and tells me she dosen't want a ons. That's fine I think. I text her to try and meet up again and flat out tells me she's not interested.

Now when I see her she just ignores me. Why treat a man like that? What do you get out of it?

Makes me think of that scene in The Simpsons where the girl rips Bart's heart out. 'You won't be needing this again...' Indeed.

Here's the thing though. You're acting as if she owes you something, and she doesn't. It doesn't matter that she invited you over one time. She clearly has no interest in dating you and has been upfront and honest about that.

I've had similar things happen with fellas in the past. Initial interest and then realising I didn't want to pursue anything. Sometimes it was something offputting the fella said or did or just not feeling a connection, but often it was little to do with him. I just decided I didn't want to start seeing someone, maybe because of mental health, physical health, family stuff going on, realising I wasn't over an ex, whatever. A date or a kiss doesn't come with an obligation to date the man just because he wants to.

One of the worst things about online dating for me was the lack of respect for my decisions and boundaries. I'd get lads blowing up my phone asking me what was wrong with them and it often turned to insults. As if them finding me attractive meant I was obliged to date them. There seems to still be this deep seated attitude in some men that women are there to be 'chosen' and their ego can't cope with rejection, even if it's polite and direct.

The woman invited you around and you kissed. She didn't want anything more. The fact you're so obsessed with her is quite concerning and makes you seem very entitled. She's a human being with her own mind and an entire life you know nothing about. Painting her as an awful person who broke your heart is very immature. She hasn't messed you around or led you on or mistreated you. You had one kiss and she very quickly and very clearly said she's not interested.

kunst nugget · 22-07-2019 10:00PM

Talia Late Crosswalk wrote: »

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Yeah sorry for simply stating what ginandtonicsky was also saying - that people DO judge single women, especially those over a certain age. Endless nosy, patronising questions about why you're single.

You don't seem to like women speaking up about their reality, do you?

Doesn't seem to have a problem with any other woman in the thread. Do you find people often exhibit such laser-precision misogyny towards you?

Cheers for crying wolf though, not like sh1t like that undermines actual sexism.

Thanks very much for this. My problem was never with the gender of the poster but the wall of negativity that they've posted. I'd hate for anyone to think I was being anti-woman.

kunst nugget · 22-07-2019 10:00PM

Double post

Leg End Reject · 22-07-2019 10:00PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Here's the thing though. You're acting as if she owes you something, and she doesn't. It doesn't matter that she invited you over one time. She clearly has no interest in dating you and has been upfront and honest about that.

I've had similar things happen with fellas in the past. Initial interest and then realising I didn't want to pursue anything. Sometimes it was something offputting the fella said or did or just not feeling a connection, but often it was little to do with him. I just decided I didn't want to start seeing someone, maybe because of mental health, physical health, family stuff going on, realising I wasn't over an ex, whatever. A date or a kiss doesn't come with an obligation to date the man just because he wants to.

One of the worst things about online dating for me was the lack of respect for my decisions and boundaries. I'd get lads blowing up my phone asking me what was wrong with them and it often turned to insults. As if them finding me attractive meant I was obliged to date them. There seems to still be this deep seated attitude in some men that women are there to be 'chosen' and their ego can't cope with rejection, even if it's polite and direct.

The woman invited you around and you kissed. She didn't want anything more. The fact you're so obsessed with her is quite concerning and makes you seem very entitled. She's a human being with her own mind and an entire life you know nothing about. Painting her as an awful person who broke your heart is very immature. She hasn't messed you around or led you on or mistreated you. You had one kiss and she very quickly and very clearly said she's not interested.

You should apply that logic to your ex.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:01PM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

But isn't that what you're trying to do? Follow the script and do what's supposed to be done? You want marriage and kids, right?

You seem to be judging marriage and kids yourself? But that's what you're striving for?

I want them because I want them, not to follow some script. I think some people almost sleepwalk into it without considering if it's what they actually want, and if they married at a young age they might feel like they've missed out on other things.

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 10:01PM

Just thinking about my female friends for a sec

A is 32, she met her fella in school married him at 27 and they have no kids yet.

E is 31 and was single up to a year ago, in a steady relationship now.

L is 33, met her fella at 22, getting married probably next year

V is 38, met her fella at 33 and had their first kid at 36, married at 37, will prob have number 2 at 39

Almost no woman I know in her 30s was properly settled down - married with kids - by 30. Which is why the idea that a single woman at 30 is 'worthless' is a bizarre point of view and definitely not commonplace. In fact, the only ones I can think of are girls who stayed in my hometown, didn't go to college or travel - work in the local pharmacy or solicitor's office. Absolutely nothing wrong with that either.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:04PM

Leg End Reject wrote: »

You should apply that logic to your ex.

What are you on about? You're equating a seven-year cohabiting relationship in which we went through all manner of things together, with a kiss?

Wow. Some serious lack of thinking skills there. Poor you.

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 10:07PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Here's the thing though. You're acting as if she owes you something, and she doesn't. It doesn't matter that she invited you over one time. She clearly has no interest in dating you and has been upfront and honest about that.

I've had similar things happen with fellas in the past. Initial interest and then realising I didn't want to pursue anything. Sometimes it was something offputting the fella said or did or just not feeling a connection, but often it was little to do with him. I just decided I didn't want to start seeing someone, maybe because of mental health, physical health, family stuff going on, realising I wasn't over an ex, whatever. A date or a kiss doesn't come with an obligation to date the man just because he wants to.

One of the worst things about online dating for me was the lack of respect for my decisions and boundaries. I'd get lads blowing up my phone asking me what was wrong with them and it often turned to insults. As if them finding me attractive meant I was obliged to date them. There seems to still be this deep seated attitude in some men that women are there to be 'chosen' and their ego can't cope with rejection, even if it's polite and direct.

The woman invited you around and you kissed. She didn't want anything more. The fact you're so obsessed with her is quite concerning and makes you seem very entitled. She's a human being with her own mind and an entire life you know nothing about. Painting her as an awful person who broke your heart is very immature. She hasn't messed you around or led you on or mistreated you. You had one kiss and she very quickly and very clearly said she's not interested.

I think this is a little harsh. If a guy I really liked and had been hanging out with invited me back to his place and we kissed, I would be very hurt if he rejected me the next day, and if nothing else, I would feel like I was owed an explanation.

Leg End Reject · 22-07-2019 10:07PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

What are you on about? You're equating a seven-year cohabiting relationship in which we went through all manner of things together, with a kiss?

Wow. Some serious lack of thinking skills there. Poor you.

Same logic applies, people are entitled to leave long term relationships and owe you nothing. People can change their mind at any stage and walk, it happened to me but I'm not crippling myself with a massive chip on my shoulder.

ToddyDoody · 22-07-2019 10:08PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

What are you on about? You're equating a seven-year cohabiting relationship in which we went through all manner of things together, with a kiss?

Wow. Some serious lack of thinking skills there. Poor you.

There's the sandpaper again.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:09PM

kikilarue2 wrote: »

Just thinking about my female friends for a sec

A is 32, she met her fella in school married him at 27 and they have no kids yet.

E is 31 and was single up to a year ago, in a steady relationship now.

L is 33, met her fella at 22, getting married probably next year

V is 38, met her fella at 33 and had their first kid at 36, married at 37, will prob have number 2 at 39

Almost no woman I know in her 30s was properly settled down - married with kids - by 30. Which is why the idea that a single woman at 30 is 'worthless' is a bizarre point of view and definitely not commonplace. In fact, the only ones I can think of are girls who stayed in my hometown, didn't go to college or travel - work in the local pharmacy or solicitor's office. Absolutely nothing wrong with that either.

Where do these women live? It's common enough in Dublin, but in rural Ireland (where half my family is from), people still get married and/or have kids around their mid twenties. Several of my friends from primary school have kids in secondary school by now. We're 34.

And I don't count women who met their partners in their twenties as 'single'. Half of your sample group were indeed settled with partners in their twenties and the third met her partner around 30. You're kind of proving my point here.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:12PM

Leg End Reject wrote: »

Same logic applies, people are entitled to leave long term relationships and owe you nothing. People can change their mind at any stage and walk, it happened to me but I'm not crippling myself with a massive chip on my shoulder.

And where did I say otherwise? I've ended relationships, I know people are allowed to leave.

What I'm saying is that it's a normal reaction to be heartbroken and devastated after the end of a long relationship where your lives were totally entwined and you'd made all kinds of future plans together.

It's not remotely normal to be heartbroken and devastated because the woman you kissed ONCE doesn't want to see you again.

I can't believe this needs explaining.

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 10:14PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Where do these women live? It's common enough in Dublin, but in rural Ireland (where half my family is from), people still get married and/or have kids around their mid twenties. Several of my friends from primary school have kids in secondary school by now. We're 34.

And I don't count women who met their partners in their twenties as 'single'. Half of your sample group were indeed settled with partners in their twenties and the third met her partner around 30. You're kind of proving my point here.

Three of the four are from county towns in Galway. The fourth is from Eastern Europe.

If your point remains "people see single women over 30 as worthless" then I'm absolutely not proving that point. I have never been made to feel that way either in Dublin or Galway. It's not regarded as unusual at all to be single at 30 in my peer group or in any office I've worked in.

There's a meme about it that goes something like "I'm at that age where half my friends are getting married and having babies and the other half are too drunk to find their phones".

That sums it up pretty well for me, we're in that 'in between' phase - certainly not on the shelf for life.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:17PM

The Dalai Lama wrote: »

Change the genders and you'd think I was a heartless player, an asshole.

Whatever. **** her. You can't just mess people around like that. Doubt I'm the first.

No, I wouldn't.

Do you think men don't kiss women (and much more) and then decide they don't want to take it further?

It's called 'life'. Honestly. We've all been there. She didn't remotely mistreat you or screw you over. You kissed and she decided she didn't want more.

How did she 'mess you around'?

She told you she didn't want anything with you, quickly and directly. Why do you seem so keen to believe she had some kind of twisted agenda to break your heart?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 22-07-2019 10:17PM

kikilarue2 wrote: »

Just thinking about my female friends for a sec

A is 32, she met her fella in school married him at 27 and they have no kids yet.

E is 31 and was single up to a year ago, in a steady relationship now.

L is 33, met her fella at 22, getting married probably next year

V is 38, met her fella at 33 and had their first kid at 36, married at 37, will prob have number 2 at 39

Almost no woman I know in her 30s was properly settled down - married with kids - by 30. Which is why the idea that a single woman at 30 is 'worthless' is a bizarre point of view and definitely not commonplace. In fact, the only ones I can think of are girls who stayed in my hometown, didn't go to college or travel - work in the local pharmacy or solicitor's office. Absolutely nothing wrong with that either.

I can think of one explicit comment I've gotten recently, there's an Italian Roma guy who sells the Big Issue beside where I work, he brings his son in for ice cream some afternoons, we get on well and have a good chat in that way people do when they've about fifty words of each other's languages :pac: anyways he had another kid recently and was showing me pictures then mimed his way through the "and what about your kids" question. I said no, no babies and his jaw nearly hit the floor "whaaaat?? No babies???"

That's obviously coming from a different culture though. I've worked with and dealt with some sexist dinosaurs over the years in this country, and while there can certainly be an unconscious or more subtle negative attitude, explicit comments like that are a vanishingly small exception in my experience.

I do get comments from my older family members and they do sometimes get to me, but I know they wouldn't be talking to co-workers or acquaintances that way either.

I'm 30 and in a LTR, most of my friends would be coupled up, very few with kids, very few married, I can't think of any who are both, any of the married ones visas/residency played a big part.

Edit: I'm from the ruralest of rural Ireland.

ToddyDoody · 22-07-2019 10:18PM

Is there any fun left in you Laney?

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 10:20PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

And where did I say otherwise? I've ended relationships, I know people are allowed to leave.

What I'm saying is that it's a normal reaction to be heartbroken and devastated after the end of a long relationship where your lives were totally entwined and you'd made all kinds of future plans together.

It's not remotely normal to be heartbroken and devastated because the woman you kissed ONCE doesn't want to see you again.

I can't believe this needs explaining.

I cried for three days in October over a guy I had never met. He lived far away and we texted a lot for about six weeks, and then he told me he wasn't interested. I was absolutely gutted.

You don't get to tell people how upset they are allowed to feel about something.

I have a cousin who ended an 11 year relationship and felt nothing but relief.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 10:21PM

kikilarue2 wrote: »

Three of the four are from county towns in Galway. The fourth is from Eastern Europe.

If your point remains "people see single women over 30 as worthless" then I'm absolutely not proving that point. I have never been made to feel that way either in Dublin or Galway. It's not regarded as unusual at all to be single at 30 in my peer group or in any office I've worked in.

There's a meme about it that goes something like "I'm at that age where half my friends are getting married and having babies and the other half are too drunk to find their phones".

That sums it up pretty well for me, we're in that 'in between' phase - certainly not on the shelf for life.

Well, I certainly agree with that. I don't think 30s is old at all and find that viewpoint ridiculous, but I am one of very few mid 30s women at my (very big) workplace who isn't married/engaged/a mother. Very, very few of the men are single. Maybe it is unusual, who knows?

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 10:23PM

Talia Late Crosswalk wrote: »

I can think of one explicit comment I've gotten recently, there's an Italian Roma guy who sells the Big Issue beside where I work, he brings his son in for ice cream some afternoons, we get on well and have a good chat in that way people do when they've about fifty words of each other's languages :pac: anyways he had another kid recently and was showing me pictures then mimed his way through the "and what about your kids" question. I said no, no babies and his jaw nearly hit the floor "whaaaat?? No babies???"

Oh I did get a lot of that when I lived in the Middle East, where a woman being single and unmarried at my age would be very unusual and fairly frowned upon.

I get the odd "you career girls think you can have it all" type comment. The only hurtful one I got lately was about a year ago - an aunt who's pretty miserable in her own marriage told me I'm too picky (if anything I'm not picky enough!) and I said to her "Do you not think I should be fairly picky about choosing someone to spend ther est of my life with?"

How common is it for people to never find an other half or have kids?

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