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Concern about my son

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13

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    #62
    fineso.mom
    Registered Users Posts: 1,090 ✭✭✭fineso.mom


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    Well no, but OP needs to split them up. I'd actually recommend stealing something small from your son's room, like a small sum of money or CD or something and blame it on her. That will sour the relationship enough that it will end in a month or two.

    So in order to protect his son/family from the chance that this girl may be a bad influence, you suggest stealing and lying? But I suppose in your head it's ok for the person from the 'good' family to steal and lie in order to protect his son from a girl who was unfortunate enough to be the child of addicts. What a mean mentality.


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    #63
    Plumbthedepths
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,653 ✭✭✭✭Plumbthedepths


    ZilkyG wrote:
    No, try a cd or something that you know your son will notice. It doesn't have to be cash, just something your son will notice.


    Well played , plenty still feeding you. ;-)


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    #64
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    Plumbthedepths wrote: »
    Well played , plenty still feeding you. ;-)

    Can’t resist...still waiting to hear how I will explain to my son how there’s money missing from his locked room when only he and I have keys...


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    #65
    spurious
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 27,121 CMod ✭✭✭✭spurious


    Very AH in here this morning.


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    #66
    eskerman
    Registered Users Posts: 133 ✭✭eskerman


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Tbf, you are conflating the girl's background with her parents background. I don't see that the OP has given enough info to know tbh.

    I think the OP needs to make an honest appraisal of the girl as who she is in her own right. Is she in college, is she working, is she ambitious to do things like see the world etc?

    Personally those characteristics would be more important to me than who her parents are.

    However, everyone saying the OP shouldn't be concerned is naive. This is the son's first real relationship, he'll develop patterns with this partner he will repeat throughout his life. If she has any bad traits they will impact on his future sense of relationships.

    This is a very interesting point and its correct to understand more about the good and positive side of the girl.. and yes she is in college and yes she works part time to support all the costs of living - we understand sharing an apartment with two others (who we dont know anything about - nor is it our business) And she seems to have ambitions and overall all the right boxes are ticked. But you also make the important point about his first relationship and the impact that may have on future relationships good and bad -

    Just to be clear about something - as parents ( four kids - oldest is 32 - youngest is 17) so we know all about raring kids and we are not even close to snobbery - to the contrary middle class Dublin rearing in the 1960s when families we much larger then we see today - so please to remove the "snob" factor - and replace it with genuine concern as a responsible parent with extensive knowledge of rearing a family from the cradle and give them all the same love and support.

    Its easy for people to from opinions but in our case this was not what we expected and it would be irresponsible to just cast it off and not to have some worry or concern -

    I will accept fair criticism of course and I dont elect to be correct - I value opinions from others regardless and thank all for making contribution to this thread


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    #67
    eskerman
    Registered Users Posts: 133 ✭✭eskerman


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    Blame it on his girlfriend, but you probably wouldn't have to if he's aware of her background. It's probably the easiest thing for OP in this scenario, the longer he leaves it the harder it'll get to take action.

    Just for clarity - I could never do such an underhanded method you suggest -and I have no intention of becoming embroiled in it under any circumstances


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    #68
    Plumbthedepths
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,653 ✭✭✭✭Plumbthedepths


    eskerman wrote:
    I will accept fair criticism of course and I dont elect to be correct - I value opinions from others regardless and thank all for making contribution to this thread


    Well maybe you should value your son's opinion and choice.


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    #69
    eskerman
    Registered Users Posts: 133 ✭✭eskerman


    Get Real wrote: »
    That is absolutely terrible advice. If anything, a young lady of 19 to come out of the situation she was dealt with, is more mature and stronger than most of us.

    I'm all for avoiding "bad influences" etc. But there is not one iota of evidence that this girl is following the path of her parents. In fact, she has had bigger life lessons than most people twice her age and could be a very good role model.

    Based on no evidence, you're suggesting the parents of this young lad, should reinforce a stereotype, which may be completely at odds with the type of person that girl is?

    I find it extremely ironic that people who class themselves as "normal" and "good people" often act in strange ways, to block something they percieive to be a threat.

    Many people have emerged from bad backgrounds, to be the complete opposite of their parents. Don't get me wrong, I'd have a different view if she herself was into heroin and didn't learn from her families past.

    But unless known otherwise, I'd take it that this young woman has overcome the situation she was dealt, she hasn't grown into it.

    This girl has overcome her heroin addict parents, and yet it's not those that are holding her back amymore, it's advice like the above that is. And yet the girl should be shunned out? Madness.

    I agree with you point here - 100% and thank you


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    #70
    Akrasia
    Registered Users Posts: 22,236 ✭✭✭✭Akrasia


    eskerman wrote: »
    This is our concern - and we don't judge people either, - but its hard to avoid that point...

    For someone who doesn’t judge people, that’s a fairly Judgmental attitude.

    Your son is 19 he’s in love for the first time. You have no evidence at all that this girl is going to harm your son. You need to keep your judgements to yourself and give the girl a chance to show you what kind of person she is regardless of who her parents are


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    #71
    eskerman
    Registered Users Posts: 133 ✭✭eskerman


    Akrasia wrote: »
    For someone who doesn’t judge people, that’s a fairly Judgmental attitude.

    Your son is 19 he’s in love for the first time. You have no evidence at all that this girl is going to harm your son. You need to keep your judgements to yourself and give the girl a chance to show you what kind of person she is regardless of who her parents are

    And that is exactly what we are doing - letting him have his freedom to find his way and especially when he has found "love" - its got a lot of positives and these need to be given space and time - but it still does not remove concerns - and I make no apology for that - I know whats involved in rearing a family and I did make some mistakes along the way.


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    #72
    Akrasia
    Registered Users Posts: 22,236 ✭✭✭✭Akrasia


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    I love the way any counter opinion other than "she's wonderful OP" is dismissed as trolling. I'm just realistic, anybody who thinks otherwise, clearly doesn't have kids of their own. So you can pontificate all you want, but in OPs scenario, everyone would do the same.
    I have 3 kids and completely disagree with you. Parents don’t get to decide who their kids fall in love with. And parents who try to interfere or judge the partners of their children based on class or family background are snobs pure and simple and attitudes like this will destroy their own family in the long run


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    #73
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    eskerman wrote: »
    I don't agree with this - not judging anybody

    You are totally judging this girl based on her parents problems.
    You said yourself you have met her & she seems nice, why would that change because her parents are addicts?


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    #74
    eskerman
    Registered Users Posts: 133 ✭✭eskerman


    Akrasia wrote: »
    I have 3 kids and completely disagree with you. Parents don’t get to decide who their kids fall in love with. And parents who try to interfere or judge the partners of their children based on class or family background are snobs pure and simple and attitudes like this will destroy their own family in the long run


    If I may make a point and I have eluded to it up the thread - we are not snobs under any circumstances, we are are not judgmental, we are not influencing any part of any relationship, we are open and welcoming in this circumstance - we were only given some of the background recently when the question quite rightly was posed about her family, mam and dad siblings etc, this is quite normal and it may have been a difficult question for the girl (not by us incidentally) Its very hard to get the balance right and avoid the word concern - under the circumstances - and not that girls fault either, she seems to have broken clear of sadness and upset in her family - it must have been very difficult for her. We cant leave this buried, we do need to understand a little more about her, we know very very little


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    #75
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    eskerman wrote: »
    , we do need to understand a little more about her, we know very very little

    Yes, about her, herself. What she is like, what kind of person she is.
    You actually have no right at all to know about her background, it is none of your business. You know because she has allowed you to know.
    Now, take her as an individual forget about her family.
    You think you are not judging but you are.


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    #76
    eskerman
    Registered Users Posts: 133 ✭✭eskerman


    bubblypop wrote: »
    You are totally judging this girl based on her parents problems.
    You said yourself you have met her & she seems nice, why would that change because her parents are addicts?

    To be clear - nowhere have I ever said or suggested I am judging her - there is a country mile between judging and concern - totally different.

    We accept this has to be given a chance and let it run its course - we were just not expecting what we were told and I make no apology but the word heroine or drug abuse scares the living daylights out of us - my wife is a type one diabetic and she jabs four needles a day to survive - and apart from that the only other drugs we are exposed to are Disprin for the odd headache


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    #77
    Mundo7976
    Registered Users Posts: 1,097 ✭✭✭Mundo7976


    eskerman wrote: »
    If I may make a point and I have eluded to it up the thread - we are not snobs under any circumstances, we are are not judgmental, we are not influencing any part of any relationship, we are open and welcoming in this circumstance - we were only given some of the background recently when the question quite rightly was posed about her family, mam and dad siblings etc, this is quite normal and it may have been a difficult question for the girl (not by us incidentally) Its very hard to get the balance right and avoid the word concern - under the circumstances - and not that girls fault either, she seems to have broken clear of sadness and upset in her family - it must have been very difficult for her. We cant leave this buried, we do need to understand a little more about her, we know very very little


    So ask her, im sure she wont mind seeing as she broke free


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    #78
    eskerman
    Registered Users Posts: 133 ✭✭eskerman


    Mundo7976 wrote: »
    So ask her, im sure she wont mind seeing as she broke free

    We have met her twice and that topic was not on the agenda - and I am sure in time we will get a little more information that would be helpful - we have an open door policy in this home and she would be treated like everybody else - time is a great healer and hopefully this helps to remove any concern that is niggling just below the surface - based on what we have been told thus far.


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    #79
    dartboardio
    Registered Users Posts: 2,436 ✭✭✭dartboardio


    Why does it seem skechy?

    Newsflash, some people are the victim and have ****ty life's, I know it may be hard understand that if you come from a normal family life.

    Why do you need to know so much this early on? Incase she's a threat to your son? Im with my boyfriend over 3 years and his family never really quizzed me about my personal family life. They know i live with just my mum and thats it, you know this girl hasnt been raised by her parents, why do you need to know anymore? Curiosity, nosiness.. If she seems nice and your son is happy with her i would leave it be. Obviously if anyone shows red flags like being dishonest or similar then ask questions but there's no need to quiz the girl about her entire life a few weeks in

    Sometimes there is no hidden agenda, she's probably not trouble, just has had alot of crap handed to her and lucky for her she didn't follow suit, she came out the other side and probably wants to be a better person for it.

    Id say fair play to her for leading a somewhat normal life and not following the footsteps of her heroin addict parents, as most would do with drug addict parents.

    Then again if you're wondering if shes 'fxxked up' or similar maybe to trauma she would have experienced and you don't want your son around that, im not sure what to advise you then.


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    #80
    dartboardio
    Registered Users Posts: 2,436 ✭✭✭dartboardio


    If the word drug addict scares you then look it up online. I honestly think its an insult to quiz that girl on her past. You have no right to, just because shes dating your son. Im sorry but I really feel you'd insult her if you continue to 'need to know' everything about her family life

    What could you possibly be concerned about if you see she seems nice.

    Its really coming across as nosiness.


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    #81
    eskerman
    Registered Users Posts: 133 ✭✭eskerman


    dartboardio wrote: »
    Why does it seem skechy?

    Newsflash, some people are the victim and have ****ty life's, I know it may be hard understand that if you come from a normal family life.

    Sometimes there is no hidden agenda, she's probably not trouble, just has had alot of **** handed to her and lucky for her she didn't follow suit, she came out the other side and probably wants to be a better person for it.

    Id say fair play to her for leading a somewhat normal life and not following the footsteps of her heroin addict parents, as most would do with drug addict parents.

    Then again if you're wondering if shes 'fxxked up' or similar maybe to trauma she would have experienced and you don't want your son around that, im not sure what to advise you then.

    I agree with your point and its uncharted water for us - hence the topic to see what others thought - open debate is very helpful.. and we are not "protective" parents under any circumstances - I don't think she is at all f"cd up and I admire her actually based on what I have been told and let time take its course and the relationship will either prosper or wither away


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    #82
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    eskerman wrote: »
    To be clear - nowhere have I ever said or suggested I am judging her - there is a country mile between judging and concern - totally different.

    We accept this has to be given a chance and let it run its course - we were just not expecting what we were told and I make no apology but the word heroine or drug abuse scares the living daylights out of us - my wife is a type one diabetic and she jabs four needles a day to survive - and apart from that the only other drugs we are exposed to are Disprin for the odd headache

    There's judgement in every post you put here. 'We accept that this has to be given a chance...' like you don't approve but are resigned to the fact that he is in a relationship with this girl. That's judgement right there.

    In your previous post you mentioned that she had two flatmates and you don't know who they are. Why would you? They are her flatmates. The biggest problem here is that this poor girl hasn't done anything wrong, is working to support herself and put herself through college lives with flatmates like lots of other college students (so not under the influence of her parents), was raised by other members of her family (so had stability in her life), but this is still not enough for you. I feel sorry for her to be honest having to put up with such snobby behaviour. Your son will pick up on your disapproval anyway before long. It's hard to hide that kind of thing.


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    #83
    dartboardio
    Registered Users Posts: 2,436 ✭✭✭dartboardio


    You are being completely unreasonable imo. Sorry for all the comments.

    You think this girl is a threat because her parents were drug addicts whom she has no contact with

    I had a best friend who had a raging alcoholic mother, and he never drank a drop in his entire life, was the kindest calmest soul you could meet, yet had a paranoid aggressive wreck of a mother.

    And whoever suggested stealing something from his room and blaming it on her, shame on you

    Of course as people you may be concerned when people from different backgrounds enter your life. Unfortunately you are just going to have to let her show you what kinda person she really is.


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    #84
    eskerman
    Registered Users Posts: 133 ✭✭eskerman


    rainbowtrout wrote: »
    There's judgement in every post you put here. 'We accept that this has to be given a chance...' like you don't approve but are resigned to the fact that he is in a relationship with this girl. That's judgement right there.

    In your previous post you mentioned that she had two flatmates and you don't know who they are. Why would you? They are her flatmates. The biggest problem here is that this poor girl hasn't done anything wrong, is working to support herself and put herself through college lives with flatmates like lots of other college students (so not under the influence of her parents), was raised by other members of her family (so had stability in her life), but this is still not enough for you. I feel sorry for her to be honest having to put up with such snobby behaviour. Your son will pick up on your disapproval anyway before long. It's hard to hide that kind of thing.

    I fundamentally disagree with your point and from the start I have never used the word Judgement in context and again I reiterate I am a million miles from being a snob - its you who are judging me if the tables were to be turned

    I have exceptionally good relationships with all by sons and daughter - but you are entitled to voice your opinion as I am mine - its a free country "just about"


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    #85
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    eskerman wrote: »
    I fundamentally disagree with your point and from the start I have never used the word Judgement in context and again I reiterate I am a million miles from being a snob - its you who are judging me if the tables were to be turned

    I have exceptionally good relationships with all by sons and daughter - but you are entitled to voice your opinion as I am mine - its a free country "just about"


    You don't have to use the word judgement to judge someone.


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    #86
    eskerman
    Registered Users Posts: 133 ✭✭eskerman


    dartboardio wrote: »
    You are being completely unreasonable imo. Sorry for all the comments.

    You think this girl is a threat because her parents were drug addicts whom she has no contact with

    I had a best friend who had a raging alcoholic mother, and he never drank a drop in his entire life, was the kindest calmest soul you could meet, yet had a paranoid aggressive wreck of a mother.

    And whoever suggested stealing something from his room and blaming it on her, shame on you

    Of course as people you may be concerned when people from different backgrounds enter your life. Unfortunately you are just going to have to let her show you what kinda person she really is.

    I never mentioned the word or eluded to threat - yes you are correct by saying when someone from a different background (not class driven) enters your family you would naturally have some concerns - and this is normal and people deal with it differently of course. We as responsible parents have accepted the status quo and we are not getting involved in it - perhaps a little more vigilant until it settles and hopefully its going to be all fine - we have accepted this from the getgo


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    #87
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    eskerman wrote: »
    To be clear - nowhere have I ever said or suggested I am judging her - there is a country mile between judging and concern - totally different.

    We accept this has to be given a chance and let it run its course - we were just not expecting what we were told and I make no apology but the word heroine or drug abuse scares the living daylights out of us - my wife is a type one diabetic and she jabs four needles a day to survive - and apart from that the only other drugs we are exposed to are Disprin for the odd headache

    My son in law is the son of a drug addict. His two siblings also have drug problems. His dad and brother have both served prison sentences.

    My son in law loves my daughter. He’s good to her.

    When they first started going out together, she was 19 to his 22. I was horrified. Sleepless nights. All sort of thoughts as to how to split them up floated around in my brain and almost drove me doolally.

    But, what it all boils down to is that he loves her. She loves him. They’re good together. They’re happy together. So am I. Now. It did take a bit of time, though!


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    #88
    eskerman
    Registered Users Posts: 133 ✭✭eskerman


    Deleted User wrote: »
    My son in law is the son of a drug addict. His two siblings also have drug problems. His dad and brother have both served prison sentences.

    My son in law loves my daughter. He’s good to her.

    When they first started going out together, she was 19 to his 22. I was horrified. Sleepless nights. All sort of thoughts as to how to split them up floated around in my brain and almost drove me doolally.

    But, what it all boils down to is that he loves her. She loves him. They’re good together. They’re happy together. So am I. Now. It did take a bit of time, though!

    Thank you for your contribution and its very helpful to get options of others who may have had similar experiences - and we are at that stage which all sorts of thoughts flowing and you understand that - its normal to be concerned im sure you will agree under the circumstances and hopefully given time it will prove to be a loving and caring relationship with mutual respect and they re happy and healthy - thats all we would ever want on both sides -


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    #89
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    eskerman wrote: »
    I never mentioned the word or eluded to threat - yes you are correct by saying when someone from a different background (not class driven) enters your family you would naturally have some concerns - and this is normal and people deal with it differently of course. We as responsible parents have accepted the status quo and we are not getting involved in it - perhaps a little more vigilant until it settles and hopefully its going to be all fine - we have accepted this from the getgo

    But what exactly do you have to accept? That she's a nice girl or that her parents are drug addicts which is something she has no control over, and has nothing to do with by your own description.

    What do you have to be a little more vigilant about? That your son's girlfriend is a junkie in disguise and is just waiting for you to your guard down before she starts persuading him to shoot up, just like her parents????

    The very fact that you started a thread about it does not sound like you are not getting involved.


    Did you start any threads when your other children started relationships or did their boyfriends and girlfriends pass your checklist of requirements? Did you need to be a little more vigilant with them or were they ok because they didn't have addict parents?


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    #90
    eskerman
    Registered Users Posts: 133 ✭✭eskerman


    rainbowtrout wrote: »
    But what exactly do you have to accept? That she's a nice girl or that her parents are drug addicts which is something she has no control over, and has nothing to do with by your own description.

    What do you have to be a little more vigilant about? That your son's girlfriend is a junkie in disguise and is just waiting for you to your guard down before she starts persuading him to shoot up, just like her parents????

    The very fact that you started a thread about it does not sound like you are not getting involved.


    Did you start any threads when your other children started relationships or did their boyfriends and girlfriends pass your checklist of requirements? Did you need to be a little more vigilant with them or were they ok because they didn't have addict parents?

    What I do think is you have misread or misinterpreted my post from the getgo.

    And again to reiterate - I/We are not getting involved in any relationship, it has to take its course, this is very clear

    I/we dont have a so called checklist - and to allude to it is totally out of context in the subject matter - I/we have never got involved in our children's relationships - or friendships since they were kids - we are normal responsible parents like the majority out there


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    #91
    GarIT
    Registered Users Posts: 8,671 ✭✭✭GarIT


    eskerman wrote: »
    I have never used the word Judgement in context and again I reiterate I am a million miles from being a snob - its you who are judging me if the tables were to be turned


    As another poster said ou don't need to use the word judgement to judge someone :pac:


    You seem like the type of person that would believe gay sex isn't gay as long as you say "no homo" to the other person.


    I've rarely come across a bigger snob or a more judgemental person. Saying #notjudging and #notasnob after being a judegmental snob doesn't suddenly stop what you said being judgemental or you being a snob.


    Just take a minute to reflect, most people are saying you are judgemnetal and a snob, maybe just maybe they could be right and you might be wrong. No other poster has claimed to not be judging you and that's fine, only you are finishing every judgemental sentence with "not judging".


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