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Concern about my son

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24

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    #32
    Mundo7976
    Registered Users Posts: 1,097 ✭✭✭Mundo7976


    Stoner wrote: »
    But apparently you are a high risk!

    Stopped drinking altogether last year!!


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    #33
    ZilkyG
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 71 ✭✭ZilkyG


    splinter65 wrote: »
    Trolls troll and they do that because posters feed them. If everyone just ignored these posters they would disappear.

    I love the way any counter opinion other than "she's wonderful OP" is dismissed as trolling. I'm just realistic, anybody who thinks otherwise, clearly doesn't have kids of their own. So you can pontificate all you want, but in OPs scenario, everyone would do the same.


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    #34
    Naydy
    Registered Users Posts: 189 ✭✭Naydy


    I think your attitude is very lacking, sorry OP. She's overcome a lot of hardship only to have a "normal" family cast aspersions on her despite her being, as you say, a nice girl. I had a very dysfunctional upbringing. One very abusive and substance abusing parent. My grandparents were also big factors in my upbringing out of necessity. You would never guess if you saw me, I have a professional job, my partner is a lovely "normal" man from a middle class family and I have never touched drugs in my life, I very seldom drink. And I certainly wasn't pregnant in a year with my first boyfriend, how insulting.

    Chances are they will be broken up in a few weeks/months anyway, why not see it as a chance for your son to develop his own empathy and understanding of a wider range of backgrounds because, forgive me, but it sounds as if you are all very sheltered. Oh and have a chat to your son about contraception, he should be taking as much as an initiative as her on that front.


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    #35
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    If your son and this girl end up pregnant OP that's as much on him as her. Raise your son to be sexually responsible. I hope he hasn't inherited his parents snobbish nature. This girl deserves better than to have her parents issues used as a stick to beat her with.


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    #36
    ZilkyG
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 71 ✭✭ZilkyG


    eviltwin wrote: »
    If your son and this girl end up pregnant OP that's as much on him as her. Raise your son to be sexually responsible. I hope he hasn't inherited his parents snobbish nature. This girl deserves better than to have her parents issues used as a stick to beat her with.

    You clearly haven't got kids yourself. If you did, you would see why keeping them as far removed from drug addicts is so important.


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    #37
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    You clearly haven't got kids yourself. If you did, you would see why keeping them as far removed from drug addicts is so important.

    The girl is not a drug addict. Have you read the post?

    And i have children, two of them and I hope I've raised them to see people as more than the sum of their backgrounds.


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    #38
    nw5iytvs0lf1uz
    Closed Accounts Posts: 140 ✭✭nw5iytvs0lf1uz


    Op you are right to be worried as any normal caring parent would be
    Do not make the mistake of telling him outright to stop seeing her but slyly go about your business and end this before she ends up pregnant and you end up forever linked to her family


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    #39
    ZilkyG
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 71 ✭✭ZilkyG


    eviltwin wrote: »
    The girl is not a drug addict. Have you read the post?

    And i have children, two of them and I hope I've raised them to see people as more than the sum of their backgrounds.

    Yes I have, and like I explained previously, the chances of her ending up like her parents is higher than average.


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    #40
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    Hi OP
    Be very welcoming and keep chatting to both of them so that the lines of communication stay open all the time.
    We love our children and want to protect them from all harm and sadness and disappointment forever.
    Over the next 2 or 3 years you will discover that this is not possible.
    Your son has no interest in wether you are anxious about his choice of girlfriend or not.
    He likes her and he wants his family to be nice to her so while she and he are being courteous and mannerly and respecting your house rules then you will be pleasant and accommodating in return and that’s pretty much it.
    If your son wants to talk to you about his girlfriends background then you should take that as a compliment and of course be as helpful as possible.
    But do not broach the subject yourself.
    We can’t tell them who they can’t love. Don’t try. It will 100% end in disaster.


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    #41
    MrMusician18
    Registered Users Posts: 7,259 ✭✭✭MrMusician18


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    Of course they did! Biologically, she's going to have the same predisposition to addiction as her parents, which could then overflow to OPs son. Again, it's not worth the risk.

    In fairness the OPs son is an adult, a young adult granted, but an adult all the same. It's his decision to make at this point. Can't really see what the parent can do here apart from give advice.

    Presumably the OPs fear is that this girl could bring chaos to his own family as chaos tends to follow people. Yup, that's prejudicial and awful to judge a person before you know them, but that is normal human behaviour. Should the OP be castigated for that?


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    #42
    Osborne
    Registered Users Posts: 310 ✭✭Osborne


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    You need to find a way to get her out of the picture, she's not from a good family and will be detrimental to your son.

    If one of your children became an addict in the future (without changing anything in terms of the way you parent your children currently), would you consider yourself a bad parent and a failed family unit?


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    #43
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    Kolten Wide Needlework wrote: »
    Op you are right to be worried as any normal caring parent would be
    Do not make the mistake of telling him outright to stop seeing her but slyly go about your business and end this before she ends up pregnant and you end up forever linked to her family

    Interesting. How do you suggest the parent go about “ending” their adult sons romantic relationship? You must have some suggestions.


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    #44
    ZilkyG
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 71 ✭✭ZilkyG


    splinter65 wrote: »
    Hi OP
    Be very welcoming and keep chatting to both of them so that the lines of communication stay open all the time.
    We love our children and want to protect them from all harm and sadness and disappointment forever.
    Over the next 2 or 3 years you will discover that this is not possible.
    Your son has no interest in wether you are anxious about his choice of girlfriend or not.
    He likes her and he wants his family to be nice to her so while she and he are being courteous and mannerly and respecting your house rules then you will be pleasant and accommodating in return and that’s pretty much it.
    If your son wants to talk to you about his girlfriends background then you should take that as a compliment and of course be as helpful as possible.
    But do not broach the subject yourself.
    We can’t tell them who they can’t love. Don’t try. It will 100% end in disaster.

    Well no, but OP needs to split them up. I'd actually recommend stealing something small from your son's room, like a small sum of money or CD or something and blame it on her. That will sour the relationship enough that it will end in a month or two.


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    #45
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    Yes I have, and like I explained previously, the chances of her ending up like her parents is higher than average.

    I'd imagine that only applies to children raised by addicts and its a lot more nuanced than monkey see monkey do.

    This girl hasn't been raised in an environment of substance abuse, I don't see why anyone would write off a young person so early on

    I think she should be commended for the way she's gotten an education and made a life for herself.

    Anyway it's all moot. Son is an adult now, he can date who he likes. Time for mammy and daddy to take a step back. Sometimes the best thing we can do as parents is let our kids make their own mistakes.


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    #46
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    Well no, but OP needs to split them up. I'd actually recommend stealing something small from your son's room, like a small sum of money or CD or something and blame it on her. That will sour the relationship enough that it will end in a month or two.

    How would that work exactly? Go into my sons room, steal some money...then what?


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    #47
    ZilkyG
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 71 ✭✭ZilkyG


    splinter65 wrote: »
    How would that work exactly? Go into my sons room, steal some money...then what?

    Blame it on his girlfriend, but you probably wouldn't have to if he's aware of her background. It's probably the easiest thing for OP in this scenario, the longer he leaves it the harder it'll get to take action.


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    #48
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    Blame it on his girlfriend, but you probably wouldn't have to if he's aware of her background. It's probably the easiest thing for OP in this scenario, the longer he leaves it the harder it'll get to take action.

    What if I steal the money and he never mentions the missing money to me. Will I steal some more money?


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    #49
    ZilkyG
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 71 ✭✭ZilkyG


    splinter65 wrote: »
    What if I steal the money and he never mentions the missing money to me. Will I steal some more money?

    No, try a cd or something that you know your son will notice. It doesn't have to be cash, just something your son will notice.


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    #50
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    Blame it on his girlfriend, but you probably wouldn't have to if he's aware of her background. It's probably the easiest thing for OP in this scenario, the longer he leaves it the harder it'll get to take action.

    Tbf, you are conflating the girl's background with her parents background. I don't see that the OP has given enough info to know tbh.

    I think the OP needs to make an honest appraisal of the girl as who she is in her own right. Is she in college, is she working, is she ambitious to do things like see the world etc?

    Personally those characteristics would be more important to me than who her parents are.

    However, everyone saying the OP shouldn't be concerned is naive. This is the son's first real relationship, he'll develop patterns with this partner he will repeat throughout his life. If she has any bad traits they will impact on his future sense of relationships.


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    #51
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    No, try a cd or something that you know your son will notice. It doesn't have to be cash, just something your son will notice.

    But what if I try to get into his room to steal the cd, but find the bedroom door is locked as a result of his finding that money was missing from his room last week? What will I do then?


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    #52
    Osborne
    Registered Users Posts: 310 ✭✭Osborne


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    No, try a cd or something that you know your son will notice. It doesn't have to be cash, just something your son will notice.

    Or one of his Nintendo 64 games? Or puncture his inflatable couch and blame it on her.


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    #53
    ZilkyG
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 71 ✭✭ZilkyG


    splinter65 wrote: »
    But what if I try to get into his room to steal the cd, but find the bedroom door is locked as a result of his finding that money was missing from his room last week? What will I do then?

    If you don't have a master set of keys, then that's your problem.


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    #54
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    If you don't have a master set of keys, then that's your problem.

    So in your house nobody gets to have any privacy?
    So if your son has locked his bedroom door, he comes home, there’s more money missing, and you are the only other person with a key, then it doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to deduce that you have let yourself into the room, stolen the money and locked the door again.
    How will you explain that?


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    #55
    eskerman
    Registered Users Posts: 133 ✭✭eskerman


    mcgucc22 wrote: »
    You seem to be doing plenty of judging.

    I don't agree with this - not judging anybody and its more about concerns as any responsible parent would be in these circumstances. And its not about poor v wealth either - drugs and alcohol effects all in society and clearly our society has a drug epidemic - its in every town and village - this is a separate argument and slightly off thread


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    #56
    Deub
    Registered Users Posts: 1,295 ✭✭✭Deub


    Invite her for lunch/dinner/bbq. Get to know her then you can make your opinion.


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    #57
    Get Real
    Registered Users Posts: 890 ✭✭✭Get Real


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    Well no, but OP needs to split them up. I'd actually recommend stealing something small from your son's room, like a small sum of money or CD or something and blame it on her. That will sour the relationship enough that it will end in a month or two.

    That is absolutely terrible advice. If anything, a young lady of 19 to come out of the situation she was dealt with, is more mature and stronger than most of us.

    I'm all for avoiding "bad influences" etc. But there is not one iota of evidence that this girl is following the path of her parents. In fact, she has had bigger life lessons than most people twice her age and could be a very good role model.

    Based on no evidence, you're suggesting the parents of this young lad, should reinforce a stereotype, which may be completely at odds with the type of person that girl is?

    I find it extremely ironic that people who class themselves as "normal" and "good people" often act in strange ways, to block something they percieive to be a threat.

    Many people have emerged from bad backgrounds, to be the complete opposite of their parents. Don't get me wrong, I'd have a different view if she herself was into heroin and didn't learn from her families past.

    But unless known otherwise, I'd take it that this young woman has overcome the situation she was dealt, she hasn't grown into it.

    This girl has overcome her heroin addict parents, and yet it's not those that are holding her back amymore, it's advice like the above that is. And yet the girl should be shunned out? Madness.


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    #58
    zoe 3619
    Registered Users Posts: 624 ✭✭✭zoe 3619


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    Well no, but OP needs to split them up. I'd actually recommend stealing something small from your son's room, like a small sum of money or CD or something and blame it on her. That will sour the relationship enough that it will end in a month or two.

    If you were to consider this,even for a moment,your son would have far bigger problems than his girlfriend's family history.


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    #59
    italodisco
    Registered Users Posts: 1,426 ✭✭✭italodisco


    Man this thread is hard for me to read.

    Im from a similar background and never led anyone down a bad path. I got judge so badly though because of my biological parents.

    Just shows the odds are always against someone like that


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    #60
    BarryD2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,732 ✭✭✭BarryD2


    I'm sure most parents will understand the OP's reservations, but not really enough solid background info. Could be a whole range of life experiences in that rough outline. I think some people will thrive despite a difficult start in life and others will possibly fall back towards those issues, apples don't fall far from the tree etc. But it's only a dating relationship, nothing to get worked up about. Trust your son too.


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    #61
    One eyed Jack
    Registered Users Posts: 23,695 ✭✭✭✭One eyed Jack


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    Well no, but OP needs to split them up. I'd actually recommend stealing something small from your son's room, like a small sum of money or CD or something and blame it on her. That will sour the relationship enough that it will end in a month or two.


    You’d recommend a parent steal something from their child and blame it on someone else, as a way to have their child think that person could have a negative impact on their lives?

    I don’t imagine the OP is likely to take such stupid advice anyway, but it’s interesting to see the depths a parent will sink to in order to paint an innocent person as a negative influence in their children’s lives.

    @OP there’s nothing you’ve written would raise immediate alarm bells as far as I could see. I think it’s a positive development that your child and his girlfriend feel they can be as open with you as they have been about her background.

    I think the idea was indeed to have you regard her as someone worthy of your son in spite of stereotypes and preconceived ideas about children who are the offspring of parents who were addicts. Clearly as has been demonstrated by the post I quoted, she could have had far worse for parents, like a parent who would encourage anyone to steal from someone and then try and blame someone else for their behaviour!


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