Concern about my son

eskerman · 13-07-2019 9:55am #1

I would welcome some constructive opinions about an unexpected bit of news I got from my son (19) who has recently found his 1st Girlfriend. They have been together about 6 weeks and as there is some distance to travel they meet the odd Sunday or Monday - so its lots of buses and travel time for him. We have only met her once and she seems to be a very nice person - and at the time we didn't ask too many personal questions about her and her background/family etc.

News broke recently that it turns out this girl (20) does not have any relationship with her parents anymore as the parents are both heroine addicts and they seem to have separated also - there doesn't seem to be any siblings and the girl was born when her mum was only 17.. ish - this is sketchy information. Its clearly a very sad story for a young girl to be forced to leave a broken (drug) home at a young age and find education and become independent in life at an early age however we are not sure what way to deal with this - we are a "normal" family and we have never been exposed to drugs or alcohol abuse etc etc so this is all new to use.

We understand she was reared by her granny and aunties - but again we are unsure about her background.

I think its important that parents understand and can voice an opinion and advice to older members of a family and equally its important to give kids space to get on with relationships and especially at younger ages - however we are not sure how to deal with this situation and we feel this girl should be accepted for what she is and if they are both happy - leave it alone and let them get on with it, part of me admires what she has achieved on her own and that is very positive and shows responsibility and focus

Its a tricky one and it is of some concern

Constructive opinions and advice welcome

endacl · 13-07-2019 9:57am

She’s his first girlfriend. She probably won’t be his last. Don’t make her feel unwelcome, stay out if it, and let them on with it.

Car99 · 13-07-2019 9:59am

"and if they are both happy - leave it alone and let them get on with it, "

Seems like you know what to do already.

hairyprincess · 13-07-2019 10:00am

What are your concerns?

13-07-2019 10:02am

If she's gotten away from them then that's it I would have thought.
I know people who foster kids (parents usually on heroin/alcoholics) and the kids are being removed from that situation to give them a chance in life. A couple had obvious, diagnosed medical issues, the rest were fine and treated so.
Similarly if a young person makes a break from that kind of situation of their own accord I would think that's an even stronger indicator that they're not part of that "life".
But overall unless you think she's doing something to have a properly detrimental effect on your son's life then leave him be.

XsApollo · 13-07-2019 10:02am

She sounds like she came out the other end pretty well to be honest.
Situations like that people can go either way and it does affect them, the same way you hear of teenagers in well off privileged families going off the rails or in this case it may seem that she might have been making a conscious effort to not go down the same road or end up like her parents.

I know I didn’t start drinking till my early 20’s because of alcohol issues in my own family, always said I wouldn’t end up like that and I haven’t.
Although not drinking when everyone else was made me start taking other stuff, but that’s another story haha

You met her you seem to think she is a nice girl and you gave the answer at the end of your post.

Gloomtastic! · 13-07-2019 10:03am

Chances are she was raised by foster carers and would have experienced a loving, caring environment as well as the totally chaotic life that addiction brings with it. She’ll want to continue with the former as she knows what the alternative is like.

They’re not getting married, yet. Let it run and try not to let your opinions come to the surface. Life’s for learning.....

leitrim4life · 13-07-2019 10:04am

OP, odds are you'll be a granny within a year.

endacl · 13-07-2019 10:06am

leitrim4life wrote: »

OP, odds are you'll be a granny within a year.

OP will have a sex change and a grandchild?

ZilkyG · 13-07-2019 10:13am

eskerman wrote: »

I would welcome some constructive opinions about an unexpected bit of news I got from my son (19) who has recently found his 1st Girlfriend. They have been together about 6 weeks and as there is some distance to travel they meet the odd Sunday or Monday - so its lots of buses and travel time for him. We have only met her once and she seems to be a very nice person - and at the time we didn't ask too many personal questions about her and her background/family etc.

News broke recently that it turns out this girl (20) does not have any relationship with her parents anymore as the parents are both heroine addicts and they seem to have separated also - there doesn't seem to be any siblings and the girl was born when her mum was only 17.. ish - this is sketchy information. Its clearly a very sad story for a young girl to be forced to leave a broken (drug) home at a young age and find education and become independent in life at an early age however we are not sure what way to deal with this - we are a "normal" family and we have never been exposed to drugs or alcohol abuse etc etc so this is all new to use.

We understand she was reared by her granny and aunties - but again we are unsure about her background.

I think its important that parents understand and can voice an opinion and advice to older members of a family and equally its important to give kids space to get on with relationships and especially at younger ages - however we are not sure how to deal with this situation and we feel this girl should be accepted for what she is and if they are both happy - leave it alone and let them get on with it, part of me admires what she has achieved on her own and that is very positive and shows responsibility and focus

Its a tricky one and it is of some concern

Constructive opinions and advice welcome

You need to find a way to get her out of the picture, she's not from a good family and will be detrimental to your son.

eskerman · 13-07-2019 10:20am

Thank you all for your opinions and I am very much in favour of live and let live and let it take its course and yes it none of our business in the main - it just came as a surprise to us and something we have no experience with - its not her fault and she is clearly in a better place - its just so sad when you consider the awful circumstances she came from

Watch this space and one contributor commented we will be grandparents within a year - that is something we would really struggle with and its been a topic at the dinner table..

13-07-2019 10:20am

ZilkyG wrote: »

You need to find a way to get her out of the picture, she's not from a good family and will be detrimental to your son.

This is disgusting. There is no reason to think just because her parents were heroin addicts there is any proof she is from a 'bad family '
OP, what exactly are your concerns?

eskerman · 13-07-2019 10:22am

ZilkyG wrote: »

You need to find a way to get her out of the picture, she's not from a good family and will be detrimental to your son.

This is our concern - and we don't judge people either, - but its hard to avoid that point...

eskerman · 13-07-2019 10:25am

bubblypop wrote: »

This is disgusting. There is no reason to think just because her parents were heroin addicts there is any proof she is from a 'bad family '
OP, what exactly are your concerns?

We have found ourselves questioning many concerns - and without knowing something about background's and especially family - surly its something every parent would worry about with son or daughter..

mcgucc22 · 13-07-2019 10:26am

eskerman wrote:

This is our concern - and we don't judge people either, - but its hard to avoid that point...

You seem to be doing plenty of judging.

ZilkyG · 13-07-2019 10:26am

eskerman wrote: »

This is our concern - and we don't judge people either, - but its hard to avoid that point...

I don't think it's judging mate, the proof is in the pudding with this one.

13-07-2019 10:28am

ZilkyG wrote: »

I don't think it's judging mate, the proof is in the pudding with this one.

what does this mean exactly?
is it this girls fault that her parents were addicts? how is she in anyway responsible for that?
also, how exactly do you decide she is from a bad family?
lets hope none of your children ever get into difficulties

edit, OP do you always judge people you have just met on their background, or do you take them at face value?

sullivlo · 13-07-2019 10:31am

bubblypop wrote: »

what does this mean exactly?
is it this girls fault that her parents were addicts? how is she in anyway responsible for that?
also, how exactly do you decide she is from a bad family?
lets hope none of your children ever get into difficulties

This.

How you deal with this will have a major impact on your future relationship with your son, moving forward. I don't mean with this relationship - with any relationship.

I think you need to be supportive of your son but not judgemental. If you're judging her, he will pick up on it. It will push him away.

Being born in a stable, doesn't make you a horse.

ZilkyG · 13-07-2019 10:31am

bubblypop wrote: »

what does this mean exactly?
is it this girls fault that her parents were addicts? how is she in anyway responsible for that?
also, how exactly do you decide she is from a bad family?
lets hope none of your children ever get into difficulties

It means that she's more likely to have problems with addiction due to her parents. And a family where both parents are junkies, falls under the "bad family" category. Maybe she'll be fine, but OP shouldn't take the risk.

sullivlo · 13-07-2019 10:32am

ZilkyG wrote: »

It means that she's more likely to have problems with addiction due to her parents. And a family where both parents are junkies, falls under the "bad family" category. Maybe she'll be fine, but OP shouldn't take the risk.

Everyone in my family smokes. I've never touched a cigarette.

ZilkyG · 13-07-2019 10:33am

sullivlo wrote: »

Everyone in my family smokes. I've never touched a cigarette.

I have some anecdotal stories also.

mcgucc22 · 13-07-2019 10:34am

ZilkyG wrote:

It means that she's more likely to have problems with addiction due to her parents. And a family where both parents are junkies, falls under the "bad family" category. Maybe she'll be fine, but OP shouldn't take the risk.

I know you are just trolling but it's not up to the OP. There's nothing he can do, it's none of his business and if he does try to meddle in anyway it's only going to drive a wedge between his son and himself.

13-07-2019 10:35am

ZilkyG wrote: »

It means that she's more likely to have problems with addiction due to her parents. And a family where both parents are junkies, falls under the "bad family" category. Maybe she'll be fine, but OP shouldn't take the risk.

this is a terrible attitude, parents being addicts does not mean a bad family.
I agree there is more chance of children of addicts being prone to addicition, however lots of children of all types of addicts stay away from all addicitve pasttimes, due to obvious reasons.
You dont even know how much time she has even spent with her parents or if it has had any affect on her at all.

ZilkyG · 13-07-2019 10:36am

mcgucc22 wrote: »

I know you are just trolling but it's not up to the OP. There's nothing he can do, it's none of his business and if he does try to meddle in anyway it's only going to drive a wedge between his son and himself.

I'm not trolling at all, quite the contrary. I'd do anything to protect my kids, even if it meant them being distant for a while.

sullivlo · 13-07-2019 10:36am

ZilkyG wrote: »

I have some anecdotal stories also.

Exactly. Anecdotal. Just because her family are addicts, doesn't make her one.

Mundo7976 · 13-07-2019 10:37am

Youre not the one dating her so it shouldnt be of any concern to you unless (and this goes for anyone ‘normal’ or not) theres trouble brought to your door. If your son needs any advice be there for him as support

Mundo7976 · 13-07-2019 10:38am

ZilkyG wrote: »

It means that she's more likely to have problems with addiction due to her parents. And a family where both parents are junkies, falls under the "bad family" category. Maybe she'll be fine, but OP shouldn't take the risk.

Really?? My father was an alcoholic, none of his kids are!!

ZilkyG · 13-07-2019 10:39am

bubblypop wrote: »

this is a terrible attitude, parents being addicts does not mean a bad family.
I agree there is more chance of children of addicts being prone to addicition, however lots of children of all types of addicts stay away from all addicitve pasttimes, due to obvious reasons.
You dont even know how much time she has even spent with her parents or if it has had any affect on her at all.

Of course they did! Biologically, she's going to have the same predisposition to addiction as her parents, which could then overflow to OPs son. Again, it's not worth the risk.

13-07-2019 10:42am

ZilkyG wrote: »

Of course they did! Biologically, she's going to have the same predisposition to addiction as her parents, which could then overflow to OPs son. Again, it's not worth the risk.

sorry but this is just too funny!!
such an attitude:rolleyes:

Stoner · 13-07-2019 10:45am

Mundo7976 wrote:

Really?? My father was an alcoholic, none of his kids are!!

But apparently you are a high risk!

splinter65 · 13-07-2019 10:49am

bubblypop wrote: »

This is disgusting. There is no reason to think just because her parents were heroin addicts there is any proof she is from a 'bad family '
OP, what exactly are your concerns?

Trolls troll and they do that because posters feed them. If everyone just ignored these posters they would disappear.

Mundo7976 · 13-07-2019 10:49am

Stoner wrote: »

But apparently you are a high risk!

Stopped drinking altogether last year!!

ZilkyG · 13-07-2019 10:52am

splinter65 wrote: »

Trolls troll and they do that because posters feed them. If everyone just ignored these posters they would disappear.

I love the way any counter opinion other than "she's wonderful OP" is dismissed as trolling. I'm just realistic, anybody who thinks otherwise, clearly doesn't have kids of their own. So you can pontificate all you want, but in OPs scenario, everyone would do the same.

Naydy · 13-07-2019 10:53am

I think your attitude is very lacking, sorry OP. She's overcome a lot of hardship only to have a "normal" family cast aspersions on her despite her being, as you say, a nice girl. I had a very dysfunctional upbringing. One very abusive and substance abusing parent. My grandparents were also big factors in my upbringing out of necessity. You would never guess if you saw me, I have a professional job, my partner is a lovely "normal" man from a middle class family and I have never touched drugs in my life, I very seldom drink. And I certainly wasn't pregnant in a year with my first boyfriend, how insulting.

Chances are they will be broken up in a few weeks/months anyway, why not see it as a chance for your son to develop his own empathy and understanding of a wider range of backgrounds because, forgive me, but it sounds as if you are all very sheltered. Oh and have a chat to your son about contraception, he should be taking as much as an initiative as her on that front.

eviltwin · 13-07-2019 10:55am

If your son and this girl end up pregnant OP that's as much on him as her. Raise your son to be sexually responsible. I hope he hasn't inherited his parents snobbish nature. This girl deserves better than to have her parents issues used as a stick to beat her with.

ZilkyG · 13-07-2019 10:56am

eviltwin wrote: »

If your son and this girl end up pregnant OP that's as much on him as her. Raise your son to be sexually responsible. I hope he hasn't inherited his parents snobbish nature. This girl deserves better than to have her parents issues used as a stick to beat her with.

You clearly haven't got kids yourself. If you did, you would see why keeping them as far removed from drug addicts is so important.

eviltwin · 13-07-2019 10:58am

ZilkyG wrote: »

You clearly haven't got kids yourself. If you did, you would see why keeping them as far removed from drug addicts is so important.

The girl is not a drug addict. Have you read the post?

And i have children, two of them and I hope I've raised them to see people as more than the sum of their backgrounds.

nw5iytvs0lf1uz · 13-07-2019 11:00am

Op you are right to be worried as any normal caring parent would be
Do not make the mistake of telling him outright to stop seeing her but slyly go about your business and end this before she ends up pregnant and you end up forever linked to her family

ZilkyG · 13-07-2019 11:01am

eviltwin wrote: »

The girl is not a drug addict. Have you read the post?

And i have children, two of them and I hope I've raised them to see people as more than the sum of their backgrounds.

Yes I have, and like I explained previously, the chances of her ending up like her parents is higher than average.

splinter65 · 13-07-2019 11:03am

Hi OP
Be very welcoming and keep chatting to both of them so that the lines of communication stay open all the time.
We love our children and want to protect them from all harm and sadness and disappointment forever.
Over the next 2 or 3 years you will discover that this is not possible.
Your son has no interest in wether you are anxious about his choice of girlfriend or not.
He likes her and he wants his family to be nice to her so while she and he are being courteous and mannerly and respecting your house rules then you will be pleasant and accommodating in return and that’s pretty much it.
If your son wants to talk to you about his girlfriends background then you should take that as a compliment and of course be as helpful as possible.
But do not broach the subject yourself.
We can’t tell them who they can’t love. Don’t try. It will 100% end in disaster.

MrMusician18 · 13-07-2019 11:04am

ZilkyG wrote: »

Of course they did! Biologically, she's going to have the same predisposition to addiction as her parents, which could then overflow to OPs son. Again, it's not worth the risk.

In fairness the OPs son is an adult, a young adult granted, but an adult all the same. It's his decision to make at this point. Can't really see what the parent can do here apart from give advice.

Presumably the OPs fear is that this girl could bring chaos to his own family as chaos tends to follow people. Yup, that's prejudicial and awful to judge a person before you know them, but that is normal human behaviour. Should the OP be castigated for that?

Osborne · 13-07-2019 11:04am

ZilkyG wrote: »

You need to find a way to get her out of the picture, she's not from a good family and will be detrimental to your son.

If one of your children became an addict in the future (without changing anything in terms of the way you parent your children currently), would you consider yourself a bad parent and a failed family unit?

splinter65 · 13-07-2019 11:05am

Kolten Wide Needlework wrote: »

Op you are right to be worried as any normal caring parent would be
Do not make the mistake of telling him outright to stop seeing her but slyly go about your business and end this before she ends up pregnant and you end up forever linked to her family

Interesting. How do you suggest the parent go about “ending” their adult sons romantic relationship? You must have some suggestions.

ZilkyG · 13-07-2019 11:06am

splinter65 wrote: »

Hi OP
Be very welcoming and keep chatting to both of them so that the lines of communication stay open all the time.
We love our children and want to protect them from all harm and sadness and disappointment forever.
Over the next 2 or 3 years you will discover that this is not possible.
Your son has no interest in wether you are anxious about his choice of girlfriend or not.
He likes her and he wants his family to be nice to her so while she and he are being courteous and mannerly and respecting your house rules then you will be pleasant and accommodating in return and that’s pretty much it.
If your son wants to talk to you about his girlfriends background then you should take that as a compliment and of course be as helpful as possible.
But do not broach the subject yourself.
We can’t tell them who they can’t love. Don’t try. It will 100% end in disaster.

Well no, but OP needs to split them up. I'd actually recommend stealing something small from your son's room, like a small sum of money or CD or something and blame it on her. That will sour the relationship enough that it will end in a month or two.

eviltwin · 13-07-2019 11:07am

ZilkyG wrote: »

Yes I have, and like I explained previously, the chances of her ending up like her parents is higher than average.

I'd imagine that only applies to children raised by addicts and its a lot more nuanced than monkey see monkey do.

This girl hasn't been raised in an environment of substance abuse, I don't see why anyone would write off a young person so early on

I think she should be commended for the way she's gotten an education and made a life for herself.

Anyway it's all moot. Son is an adult now, he can date who he likes. Time for mammy and daddy to take a step back. Sometimes the best thing we can do as parents is let our kids make their own mistakes.

splinter65 · 13-07-2019 11:08am

ZilkyG wrote: »

Well no, but OP needs to split them up. I'd actually recommend stealing something small from your son's room, like a small sum of money or CD or something and blame it on her. That will sour the relationship enough that it will end in a month or two.

How would that work exactly? Go into my sons room, steal some money...then what?

ZilkyG · 13-07-2019 11:10am

splinter65 wrote: »

How would that work exactly? Go into my sons room, steal some money...then what?

Blame it on his girlfriend, but you probably wouldn't have to if he's aware of her background. It's probably the easiest thing for OP in this scenario, the longer he leaves it the harder it'll get to take action.

splinter65 · 13-07-2019 11:13am

ZilkyG wrote: »

Blame it on his girlfriend, but you probably wouldn't have to if he's aware of her background. It's probably the easiest thing for OP in this scenario, the longer he leaves it the harder it'll get to take action.

What if I steal the money and he never mentions the missing money to me. Will I steal some more money?

ZilkyG · 13-07-2019 11:14am

splinter65 wrote: »

What if I steal the money and he never mentions the missing money to me. Will I steal some more money?

No, try a cd or something that you know your son will notice. It doesn't have to be cash, just something your son will notice.

13-07-2019 11:15am

ZilkyG wrote: »

Blame it on his girlfriend, but you probably wouldn't have to if he's aware of her background. It's probably the easiest thing for OP in this scenario, the longer he leaves it the harder it'll get to take action.

Tbf, you are conflating the girl's background with her parents background. I don't see that the OP has given enough info to know tbh.

I think the OP needs to make an honest appraisal of the girl as who she is in her own right. Is she in college, is she working, is she ambitious to do things like see the world etc?

Personally those characteristics would be more important to me than who her parents are.

However, everyone saying the OP shouldn't be concerned is naive. This is the son's first real relationship, he'll develop patterns with this partner he will repeat throughout his life. If she has any bad traits they will impact on his future sense of relationships.

splinter65 · 13-07-2019 11:17am

ZilkyG wrote: »

No, try a cd or something that you know your son will notice. It doesn't have to be cash, just something your son will notice.

But what if I try to get into his room to steal the cd, but find the bedroom door is locked as a result of his finding that money was missing from his room last week? What will I do then?

Concern about my son

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