Concern about my son

GarIT

eskerman wrote: »

yes you are correct by saying when someone from a different background (not class driven) enters your family you would naturally have some concerns

I'm sure there's a word for this, I can't remember, I think it might be being a snob. Not classist of course, you said it's not so that means it's not, right?

hairyprincess

Op you are not a ‘normal’ family, there is no such thing as ‘normal’. You have just led a sheltered, and dare I say it, privileged life by the sounds of it.
You can say you are not judging all you like, but you are. This girl has been through so much in her short life and come through it, you could probably learn a lot from her if you opened yourself up and leave the snobbery go.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

eskerman wrote: »

What I do think is you have misread or misinterpreted my post from the getgo.

And again to reiterate - I/We are not getting involved in any relationship, it has to take its course, this is very clear

I/we dont have a so called checklist - and to allude to it is totally out of context in the subject matter - I/we have never got involved in our children's relationships - or friendships since they were kids - we are normal responsible parents like the majority out there

So what precisely are you asking? You don't intend to interfere so you're asking how to...do nothing? What are these vague "concerns" you keep alluding to, what is it you fear might happen? I understand this is coming from a place of love but it's coming out as incoherent judgementalness.

This is presumably this girl's first relationship too, she's also going to form patterns. What she's learning here is that despite having no relationship with her parents, going to college, supporting herself, being a nice person that she will be judged because of something she didn't do, that she should keep her background quiet because it's shameful. There's no way she's not going to pick up on the change in attitude.

This will most likely run its course quite quickly. You treat her the same as you have your other children's boy/girlfriends unless she gives you a reason not to.

eskerman

GarIT wrote: »

As another poster said ou don't need to use the word judgement to judge someone :pac:


You seem like the type of person that would believe gay sex isn't gay as long as you say "no homo" to the other person.


I've rarely come across a bigger snob or a more judgemental person. Saying #notjudging and #notasnob after being a judegmental snob doesn't suddenly stop what you said being judgemental or you being a snob.


Just take a minute to reflect, most people are saying you are judgemnetal and a snob, maybe just maybe they could be right and you might be wrong. No other poster has claimed to not be judging you and that's fine, only you are finishing every judgemental sentence with "not judging".

You and many others are entitled to air your opinions and it seems you and others are judging me and that is fine - I disagree with you and others and thats also fine and if playing with words works then thats fine also -

I refect like many others every day - its normal and I am not claiming any moral high ground - and again I will confirm I never said or eluded to judging - this has been taken out of context.

If you want to judge me as a snob thats also fine - but perhaps better to know a person before you judge them and clearly you don't know me

GarIT

eskerman wrote: »

You and many others are entitled to air your opinions and it seems you and others are judging me and that is fine - I disagree with you and others and thats also fine and if playing with words works then thats fine also -

I refect like many others every day - its normal and I am not claiming any moral high ground - and again I will confirm I never said or eluded to judging - this has been taken out of context.

If you want to judge me as a snob thats also fine - but perhaps better to know a person before you judge them and clearly you don't know me

This about it this way. Until she does anything wrong she is your equal. There's no need to worry or have concerns about anything that hasn't happened.


Clearly you don't know her either. It seems like you don't like me, a random internet stranger judging you, so how must she feel if she finds out her boyfriends parents are judging her.

eskerman

hairyprincess wrote: »

Op you are not a ‘normal’ family, there is no such thing as ‘normal’. You have just led a sheltered, and dare I say it, privileged life by the sounds of it.
You can say you are not judging all you like, but you are. This girl has been through so much in her short life and come through it, you could probably learn a lot from her if you opened yourself up and leave the snobbery go.

You know nothing about me but I will let you in on something - I dont come from a sheltered of privileged background - eldest of seven kids, my dad was a tradesman and my mother as a home-maker. Normal large Dublin family life, no fancy holidays - no fancy car, my dad went to work on a moped - but we were all raised with love and care - and we could not have asked for any more - and we had hard times as well like lots of other families - you are of course free to voice your opinion and judge me as you wish -

eviltwin

eskerman wrote: »

You and many others are entitled to air your opinions and it seems you and others are judging me and that is fine - I disagree with you and others and thats also fine and if playing with words works then thats fine also -

I refect like many others every day - its normal and I am not claiming any moral high ground - and again I will confirm I never said or eluded to judging - this has been taken out of context.

If you want to judge me as a snob thats also fine - but perhaps better to know a person before you judge them and clearly you don't know me

Chances are this relationship will end, they are both so young, but your son will always remember your behaviour and may choose to be less open in the future if you handle this badly.

You will push your son away and you will only have yourself to blame if you aren't careful.

eviltwin

eskerman wrote: »

You know nothing about me but I will let you in on something - I dont come from a sheltered of privileged background - eldest of seven kids, my dad was a tradesman and my mother as a home-maker. Normal large Dublin family life, no fancy holidays - no fancy car, my dad went to work on a moped - but we were all raised with love and care - and we could not have asked for any more - and we had hard times as well like lots of other families - you are of course free to voice your opinion and judge me as you wish -

Newsflash that's a normal family.

eskerman

GarIT wrote: »

This about it this way. Until she does anything wrong she is your equal. There's no need to worry or have concerns about anything that hasn't happened.


Clearly you don't know her either. It seems like you don't like me, a random internet stranger judging you, so how must she feel if she finds out her boyfriends parents are judging her.

I again reiterate - I am not judging the girl and it seems because I voiced an opinion or used the work concern its being taken out of context and replaced with Judgement - this is not correct from. I dont know where you have picked up on the point about me not liking you ! a random internet stranger, I dont know you and I dont judge you nor would I - that may of course change if I got to know you - and I am not on here to get to know people or make friends - I have plenty thanks

For the record - we could have stopped this relationaship at the start - its call being car dependant and with round trips of 80km to drop him off of collect - bus and train is the only other way and thats nearly two hours from where we are - so to the contrary we are supporting this and not judgmental of her at all

eskerman

I want to thank all who have contributed to my post and I accept their is some balance in opinions which is fine - so to avoid this turning into a protracted discussion and wander off in all other directions I will withdraw any further comments - and I have a busy life to get on with

By all means feel free to chat away here and when I get time I will pop by.

I accept its an open and free forum and thank you all for your opinions -

GreenCow44

With all respect Mr.McCarty, I think that you do have a very snobbish attitude about this whole thing. This relationship will most likely run it's course and the "issue" will go away. But the tables may be turned in Aaron's next relationship and his partner's parents may not think you are a particularly nice person to be involved with their daughter. Karma can be quite a funny beast.

splinter65

GreenCow44 wrote: »

With all respect Mr.McCarty, I think that you do have a very snobbish attitude about this whole thing. This relationship will most likely run it's course and the "issue" will go away. But the tables may be turned in Aaron's next relationship and his partner's parents may not think you are a particularly nice person to be involved with their daughter. Karma can be quite a funny beast.

I have seen this happen in my own family. Horror and upset at a boyfriend from the wrong side of the tracks turned into humiliation when the daughter was rejected by a subsequent boyfriend when his parents displayed their concern that she didn’t have a certain standard of 3rd level education.
Of course that guy was a total dickhead but the stinging barb hurt my family member terribly.

Blaizes

Treat her as you would any girlfriend he brought home( realizing that this is his first so you’ve no experience to go on) Bring her for tea or dinner or whatever. Get to know her in a non judgmental way. I think if you try to get him away from her, he will go in the other direction, young people being stubborn and all that. That said I know parents who have dismantled relationships where they felt the boyfriend or girlfriend was unsuitable and it was usually the mother who did this and they were very strong or you might even say cruel women depending on view point.

Just try to be relaxed about this, I think is the best way forward, most likely it will fizzle out or run it’s course. But keep line of communication open with your son at all times and don’t shut him out.

Her getting pregnant would be a worry but you’re going to have that worry with any girl he starts seeing. Think as someone else suggested you’ll have to broach the subject of using contraception with him, I have no advise as to how you would approach this subject with him though. For the record I don’t think you’re being judgemental or intending to be, you are just a concerned parent. As a parent of two little ones, I’m sure myself and other parents will face all kinds of issues in the new Ireland we live in.

Moonbeam

Thread closed.
I have terrible internet access atm so trying to edit and delete posts unsuccessfully.