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Concern about my son

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  • 13-07-2019 10:55am
    #1
    eskerman
    Registered Users Posts: 133 ✭✭


    I would welcome some constructive opinions about an unexpected bit of news I got from my son (19) who has recently found his 1st Girlfriend. They have been together about 6 weeks and as there is some distance to travel they meet the odd Sunday or Monday - so its lots of buses and travel time for him. We have only met her once and she seems to be a very nice person - and at the time we didn't ask too many personal questions about her and her background/family etc.

    News broke recently that it turns out this girl (20) does not have any relationship with her parents anymore as the parents are both heroine addicts and they seem to have separated also - there doesn't seem to be any siblings and the girl was born when her mum was only 17.. ish - this is sketchy information. Its clearly a very sad story for a young girl to be forced to leave a broken (drug) home at a young age and find education and become independent in life at an early age however we are not sure what way to deal with this - we are a "normal" family and we have never been exposed to drugs or alcohol abuse etc etc so this is all new to use.

    We understand she was reared by her granny and aunties - but again we are unsure about her background.

    I think its important that parents understand and can voice an opinion and advice to older members of a family and equally its important to give kids space to get on with relationships and especially at younger ages - however we are not sure how to deal with this situation and we feel this girl should be accepted for what she is and if they are both happy - leave it alone and let them get on with it, part of me admires what she has achieved on her own and that is very positive and shows responsibility and focus

    Its a tricky one and it is of some concern

    Constructive opinions and advice welcome


«134

Comments

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    #2
    endacl
    Registered Users Posts: 22,248 ✭✭✭✭endacl


    She’s his first girlfriend. She probably won’t be his last. Don’t make her feel unwelcome, stay out if it, and let them on with it.


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    #3
    Car99
    Registered Users Posts: 2,530 ✭✭✭Car99


    "and if they are both happy - leave it alone and let them get on with it, "

    Seems like you know what to do already.


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    #4
    hairyprincess
    Registered Users Posts: 2,293 ✭✭✭hairyprincess


    What are your concerns?


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    #5
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 25,611 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    If she's gotten away from them then that's it I would have thought.
    I know people who foster kids (parents usually on heroin/alcoholics) and the kids are being removed from that situation to give them a chance in life. A couple had obvious, diagnosed medical issues, the rest were fine and treated so.
    Similarly if a young person makes a break from that kind of situation of their own accord I would think that's an even stronger indicator that they're not part of that "life".
    But overall unless you think she's doing something to have a properly detrimental effect on your son's life then leave him be.


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    #6
    XsApollo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,407 ✭✭✭XsApollo


    She sounds like she came out the other end pretty well to be honest.
    Situations like that people can go either way and it does affect them, the same way you hear of teenagers in well off privileged families going off the rails or in this case it may seem that she might have been making a conscious effort to not go down the same road or end up like her parents.

    I know I didn’t start drinking till my early 20’s because of alcohol issues in my own family, always said I wouldn’t end up like that and I haven’t.
    Although not drinking when everyone else was made me start taking other stuff, but that’s another story haha

    You met her you seem to think she is a nice girl and you gave the answer at the end of your post.


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    #7
    Gloomtastic!
    Registered Users Posts: 8,367 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Chances are she was raised by foster carers and would have experienced a loving, caring environment as well as the totally chaotic life that addiction brings with it. She’ll want to continue with the former as she knows what the alternative is like.

    They’re not getting married, yet. Let it run and try not to let your opinions come to the surface. Life’s for learning.....


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    #8
    leitrim4life
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 67 ✭✭leitrim4life


    OP, odds are you'll be a granny within a year.


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    #9
    endacl
    Registered Users Posts: 22,248 ✭✭✭✭endacl


    leitrim4life wrote: »
    OP, odds are you'll be a granny within a year.

    OP will have a sex change and a grandchild?


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    #10
    ZilkyG
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 71 ✭✭ZilkyG


    eskerman wrote: »
    I would welcome some constructive opinions about an unexpected bit of news I got from my son (19) who has recently found his 1st Girlfriend. They have been together about 6 weeks and as there is some distance to travel they meet the odd Sunday or Monday - so its lots of buses and travel time for him. We have only met her once and she seems to be a very nice person - and at the time we didn't ask too many personal questions about her and her background/family etc.

    News broke recently that it turns out this girl (20) does not have any relationship with her parents anymore as the parents are both heroine addicts and they seem to have separated also - there doesn't seem to be any siblings and the girl was born when her mum was only 17.. ish - this is sketchy information. Its clearly a very sad story for a young girl to be forced to leave a broken (drug) home at a young age and find education and become independent in life at an early age however we are not sure what way to deal with this - we are a "normal" family and we have never been exposed to drugs or alcohol abuse etc etc so this is all new to use.

    We understand she was reared by her granny and aunties - but again we are unsure about her background.

    I think its important that parents understand and can voice an opinion and advice to older members of a family and equally its important to give kids space to get on with relationships and especially at younger ages - however we are not sure how to deal with this situation and we feel this girl should be accepted for what she is and if they are both happy - leave it alone and let them get on with it, part of me admires what she has achieved on her own and that is very positive and shows responsibility and focus

    Its a tricky one and it is of some concern

    Constructive opinions and advice welcome

    You need to find a way to get her out of the picture, she's not from a good family and will be detrimental to your son.


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    #11
    eskerman
    Registered Users Posts: 133 ✭✭eskerman


    Thank you all for your opinions and I am very much in favour of live and let live and let it take its course and yes it none of our business in the main - it just came as a surprise to us and something we have no experience with - its not her fault and she is clearly in a better place - its just so sad when you consider the awful circumstances she came from

    Watch this space and one contributor commented we will be grandparents within a year - that is something we would really struggle with and its been a topic at the dinner table..


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    #12
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    You need to find a way to get her out of the picture, she's not from a good family and will be detrimental to your son.

    This is disgusting. There is no reason to think just because her parents were heroin addicts there is any proof she is from a 'bad family '
    OP, what exactly are your concerns?


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    #13
    eskerman
    Registered Users Posts: 133 ✭✭eskerman


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    You need to find a way to get her out of the picture, she's not from a good family and will be detrimental to your son.

    This is our concern - and we don't judge people either, - but its hard to avoid that point...


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    #14
    eskerman
    Registered Users Posts: 133 ✭✭eskerman


    bubblypop wrote: »
    This is disgusting. There is no reason to think just because her parents were heroin addicts there is any proof she is from a 'bad family '
    OP, what exactly are your concerns?

    We have found ourselves questioning many concerns - and without knowing something about background's and especially family - surly its something every parent would worry about with son or daughter..


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    #15
    mcgucc22
    Registered Users Posts: 255 ✭✭mcgucc22


    eskerman wrote:
    This is our concern - and we don't judge people either, - but its hard to avoid that point...


    You seem to be doing plenty of judging.


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    #16
    ZilkyG
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 71 ✭✭ZilkyG


    eskerman wrote: »
    This is our concern - and we don't judge people either, - but its hard to avoid that point...

    I don't think it's judging mate, the proof is in the pudding with this one.


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    #17
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    I don't think it's judging mate, the proof is in the pudding with this one.

    what does this mean exactly?
    is it this girls fault that her parents were addicts? how is she in anyway responsible for that?
    also, how exactly do you decide she is from a bad family?
    lets hope none of your children ever get into difficulties

    edit, OP do you always judge people you have just met on their background, or do you take them at face value?


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    #18
    sullivlo
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 9,994 Mod ✭✭✭✭sullivlo


    bubblypop wrote: »
    what does this mean exactly?
    is it this girls fault that her parents were addicts? how is she in anyway responsible for that?
    also, how exactly do you decide she is from a bad family?
    lets hope none of your children ever get into difficulties

    This.

    How you deal with this will have a major impact on your future relationship with your son, moving forward. I don't mean with this relationship - with any relationship.

    I think you need to be supportive of your son but not judgemental. If you're judging her, he will pick up on it. It will push him away.

    Being born in a stable, doesn't make you a horse.


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    #19
    ZilkyG
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 71 ✭✭ZilkyG


    bubblypop wrote: »
    what does this mean exactly?
    is it this girls fault that her parents were addicts? how is she in anyway responsible for that?
    also, how exactly do you decide she is from a bad family?
    lets hope none of your children ever get into difficulties

    It means that she's more likely to have problems with addiction due to her parents. And a family where both parents are junkies, falls under the "bad family" category. Maybe she'll be fine, but OP shouldn't take the risk.


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    #20
    sullivlo
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 9,994 Mod ✭✭✭✭sullivlo


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    It means that she's more likely to have problems with addiction due to her parents. And a family where both parents are junkies, falls under the "bad family" category. Maybe she'll be fine, but OP shouldn't take the risk.
    Everyone in my family smokes. I've never touched a cigarette.


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    #21
    ZilkyG
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 71 ✭✭ZilkyG


    sullivlo wrote: »
    Everyone in my family smokes. I've never touched a cigarette.

    I have some anecdotal stories also.


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    #22
    mcgucc22
    Registered Users Posts: 255 ✭✭mcgucc22


    ZilkyG wrote:
    It means that she's more likely to have problems with addiction due to her parents. And a family where both parents are junkies, falls under the "bad family" category. Maybe she'll be fine, but OP shouldn't take the risk.

    I know you are just trolling but it's not up to the OP. There's nothing he can do, it's none of his business and if he does try to meddle in anyway it's only going to drive a wedge between his son and himself.


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    #23
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    It means that she's more likely to have problems with addiction due to her parents. And a family where both parents are junkies, falls under the "bad family" category. Maybe she'll be fine, but OP shouldn't take the risk.

    this is a terrible attitude, parents being addicts does not mean a bad family.
    I agree there is more chance of children of addicts being prone to addicition, however lots of children of all types of addicts stay away from all addicitve pasttimes, due to obvious reasons.
    You dont even know how much time she has even spent with her parents or if it has had any affect on her at all.


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    #24
    ZilkyG
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 71 ✭✭ZilkyG


    mcgucc22 wrote: »
    I know you are just trolling but it's not up to the OP. There's nothing he can do, it's none of his business and if he does try to meddle in anyway it's only going to drive a wedge between his son and himself.

    I'm not trolling at all, quite the contrary. I'd do anything to protect my kids, even if it meant them being distant for a while.


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    #25
    sullivlo
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 9,994 Mod ✭✭✭✭sullivlo


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    I have some anecdotal stories also.
    Exactly. Anecdotal. Just because her family are addicts, doesn't make her one.


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    #26
    Mundo7976
    Registered Users Posts: 1,097 ✭✭✭Mundo7976


    Youre not the one dating her so it shouldnt be of any concern to you unless (and this goes for anyone ‘normal’ or not) theres trouble brought to your door. If your son needs any advice be there for him as support


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    #27
    Mundo7976
    Registered Users Posts: 1,097 ✭✭✭Mundo7976


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    It means that she's more likely to have problems with addiction due to her parents. And a family where both parents are junkies, falls under the "bad family" category. Maybe she'll be fine, but OP shouldn't take the risk.

    Really?? My father was an alcoholic, none of his kids are!!


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    #28
    ZilkyG
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 71 ✭✭ZilkyG


    bubblypop wrote: »
    this is a terrible attitude, parents being addicts does not mean a bad family.
    I agree there is more chance of children of addicts being prone to addicition, however lots of children of all types of addicts stay away from all addicitve pasttimes, due to obvious reasons.
    You dont even know how much time she has even spent with her parents or if it has had any affect on her at all.

    Of course they did! Biologically, she's going to have the same predisposition to addiction as her parents, which could then overflow to OPs son. Again, it's not worth the risk.


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    #29
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    ZilkyG wrote: »
    Of course they did! Biologically, she's going to have the same predisposition to addiction as her parents, which could then overflow to OPs son. Again, it's not worth the risk.

    sorry but this is just too funny!!
    such an attitude:rolleyes:


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    #30
    Stoner
    Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 10,952 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stoner


    Mundo7976 wrote:
    Really?? My father was an alcoholic, none of his kids are!!


    But apparently you are a high risk!


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    #31
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    bubblypop wrote: »
    This is disgusting. There is no reason to think just because her parents were heroin addicts there is any proof she is from a 'bad family '
    OP, what exactly are your concerns?

    Trolls troll and they do that because posters feed them. If everyone just ignored these posters they would disappear.


This discussion has been closed.
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