Broke up with the GF - Devastated

wiggle16 · 06-03-2019 11:20PM

PHG wrote: »

Surprisingly, I have found positing here very helpful and all the replies interesting, even yours d_lainey. I'll likely go quiet again for 2 weeks and may post another update if its ok with the mods?

I'm going to close this thread for the moment OP. If you want to provide an update in the future, feel free to PM me and it can either be reopened or another thread can be started, whatever is more appropriate.

Thanks & grma all who posted.

Thread locked.

wiggle16 · 01-05-2019 05:44PM

Mod note:

Thread re-opened at OP's request.

PHG · 01-05-2019 05:49PM

Hi,

Wanting to give an update. It is a mixed one to be honest and long.

Will start with the positives. I have settled into living here and enjoying my time. I now have 3 social groups (GAA community, Pub Quiz/Movie friends and Weekend mates for breakfast lunch etc.). I also have made 2 mates outside of these and it is fun. I have had some great experiences and met some really sound people from all over the world. I am in new group chats and people reach out to me to hang out, go to clubs etc. which is make me feels good. I am even travelling with the GAA club for 2 nights soon, even though I cannot play and on track to have visited 8 countries by the end of the year. Professionally all is going well (it took a while to be able to work properly again) and I am now in a very stable financial position too. Role on the deposit for the flat ðŸ˜Š… and probably in some of the best shape of my life even though I have had a few flare ups with my spinal injury, but all good. Been taking advantage of seeing friends and family at home and in London. My flight app now says that I have flown around the world once since Xmas but I am starting to crash a bit with tiredness. I have had dates too!!! Nothing major but a good thing for the confidence.

Anyway, I broke the no contact rule after 40 odd days. I saw she blocked me on social media and it got to me. I was out on a night out and been drinking since lunch which didn’t help. I sent a text saying I saw you blocked me (no anger or badness) and wished her well when I got in. She replied the next day and we texted on and off for the day. I told her that I missed her and still loved her and if we could reconcile. She said she missed me but didn’t know where her head is at. I made sure to keep the convo in good spirits so as we would not argue, so any time she tried to get mad I brought it back. Unfortunately, over the day talking she did not once ask how I am, was doing etc. was all about how I hurt her and the things I did wrong and how people got in the way of our relationship when it was none of their business. She was telling me how great she now looks etc. with a posing pic saying this is when she finally oved herself and didn’t care what anyone thought of her and how confident she feels now. I told her she looked hot , that it is good to hear and that I had always said that to her. We were talking pleasantly near the end but I shut it down as was wrecked and left it at that. She said she wasn’t seeing anyone too.

Anyway, 2 weeks ago (we had had no contact in the 3 weeks since I text) I was home and out in Galway on Good Friday. I was in the pub and there was a text from her. I gave my phone to my mate and said to not give it back to me until the morning as I would get involved with her now and it would ruin the night. He obliged straight away and we had fun. Galway is such a good city! The next day I looked and she was asking how was I, any news etc. I asked why she sent me a text and she said she didn’t know. She told me a few days after we broke up her nan was hit by a car and was in hospital for 2 months and nearly died. That she nearly caved so many times to text me for support but wanted to respect my boundaries when I said no contact when we broke up. Her nan is okish now thankfully and back home. She said my new found social media presence hurt her (there is nothing spiteful or antagonizing up there or directed towards her in any way!!) and she assumed I had a girlfriend (she thought I was with my best girlfriend from home who I have always said is one of the lads and I have no interest in her) or was at least dating or sleeping around. That it hurt her so much and she has been using it to move on. I told her I haven’t and again we moved into the realms of missing each other. She said she finally believes that I wanted to marry her and that she wanted to be my fiance. She said she finally has a new job she likes (same type of job she had before which she hated, so will see how that goes) but will be doing a some travel with it. I congratulated her and wished her the best with it all. She said she has everything she wanted now except the relationship we had. This hit me!

I said I miss her and said look, I am willing to budge. I said that I am happy to commute to London twice a month (Thurs to Mon) as I can work from my London office and for her to come here once a month. I said I am not forking out for a 1 bed apartment but would be willing to go halves on a shared apartment. She said that that is what she had wanted and would have always done shared. That she was trying to bring me around to that before. I don’t believe this as she said many times she would not. She said she would be willing to push kids out 2 more years (which is big for her) and that I interpreted her wrong, that she only meant if she got pregnant by accident that it would have been ok but was willing to wait. This contradicts her saying her dream was “to be married and pregnant by 30”.

We were chatting and then she went radio silent for about 16 hours. I asked why and she said it all became a head melt us texting (tbf I was in an odd head space too) and she couldn’t deal with the texting. I offered a call and she said that’s what she would have preferred to do but was going out soon. I said no worries but let’s meet up in London on Saturday (4th of May) week for lunch and talk. She said she didn’t know as we have been living apart for so long now that she says she doesn’t know how I think, my opinions, dreams, what I have been up to and what I want in life anymore. I said is it not obvious from our texts or are you asking am I dating? She said no, then I just said what are you getting at. She said it was just a statement. I found this odd to be honest.

She then replies that she will get back to me about meeting up as she doesn’t know what to think and will confirm closer to the time about meeting on the Saturday and needs to go meet friends now. I said grand no bother and left it at that.

I haven’t heard anything since then (Easter Sunday), but I cannot help but feel that I am being played and used as a fall back of some sort! The timeline falls nicely into the usual length when she throws a strop over something and my family are saying be careful as she may want to just move out of home and use you as a support. I no longer look at her social media etc. and though it is tempting I don’t, so no idea what she is up to and don’t really care. My family have all said they are not keen on us getting back together but that if we do they I/we will have their full support and forget the last few months.

I have had a good hard think about this and if she doesn’t come back to me by text by Thursday night, I will not send a text asking why. Why should I bother?? like I am able to get dates here if needed and I have a lot going for me, without the need to go cup in hand back to her. I don’t play games and not going to be played and become wet like her auld lad. If we do meet, I am along the lines of it is either on or off. Considering our past I cannot see (may be my ignorance) a way of us seeing how it goes as friends or starting ad-hoc dating. It would just drag it all out the break up longer. Based on our conversations I do not think either of us would be happy knowing the other one is dating someone else at the same time as we would be. So if she starts along the lines of maybe/can you give me more time/I need to see how I feel etc., then I’m out! I will wish her the best and walk away. I’ve spent too much emotional energy on this now and not bothered with games or being strung along!

Thanks,

PHG

John Hutton · 01-05-2019 06:00PM

OP I want to give you a good shake. You were doing so well.

You know what is going on here.

Get on with your life and delete her on social media.

Ursus Horribilis · 01-05-2019 06:07PM

I hope for your sake that she doesn't come back by this deadline you've set. After everything that has happened - the drama, the mind games, you bending over backwards to appease her - do you seriously think you can have a "normal" relationship with her? I would bet every last penny I have that if you get back with her, you'll still be a confused, headwrecked mess in 12 months time. You two are like oil and water.

LegacyUser · 01-05-2019 06:48PM

I second wanting to give you a good shake! Block, delete, avoid, stay very far away!! Honestly, she's not the one for you and it doesn't sound like she's good for you.

What you said about next Thursday?? Why give her that power? You're playing right into her hands, OP. I'd say she's only too delighted with herself that she can still wrap you around her little finger.

Cut the cord! For your own sake.

wiggle16 · 01-05-2019 07:28PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You two are like oil and water.

Spot on. Spot f*cking on.

PHG, you were unhappy when you were with her. You're going to be unhappy if you get back with her. You are messing each other around now at this stage.

You know what she actually wants from a relationship. Marriage and a house and babies and a compliant hubby. That will not have changed since January - how is it that her priorities changed from being completely different to yours all the way to aligning exactly with yours in the three or so months you've been apart? And that it happened while you were apart?

I don't know whether she is playing a game to get you back or is fooling herself, but I can guarantee you will end up right back where you were a few months ago. And I'll only disagree with Ursus on one point - I don't think it will even take 12 months before you'll realise it was a mistake to get back in touch.

You are messing each other around:
- You didn't really have a no contact rule in place.... you noticed that she blocked you. So you were obviously checking out her media from time to time.

- when someone blocks you, it is usually to be taken as an indication that they don't want contact. You chose not to accept that and contacted her. But...

- ....I'd say she knew you would. Because instead of replying with "I blocked you because I need space to get over you and I would prefer if you respected that etc" or just ignoring it, she launched straight into communication with you. I suspect she knew you wouldn't be able to leave that lie.

And now you're back where you left off. Confused, going back and forth between wanting a relationship with her and believing you can do better than this one, and generally getting yourself worked up and distressed enough to want to post here about it again.
It wouldn't be fair to her either to get back with her. You know yourself her priorities haven't changed, no matter what she says - you'd be getting back with her on your terms when you know your terms are not what she wants. She wants to get back with you, almost certainly with a mind to changing those terms once she gets burrowed back in - she's told you what you want to hear. And it's not fair to her, let alone you.

Put it this way, I have nothing to add to my previous advice to you. You want different things, you're not compatible and you need to move on. If this current situation should prove anything to you it's that you need to enforce proper no-contact this time. You're messing each other around.
I'm sorry if I am coming down on you like a tonne of bricks but I think you need it. Like others I think you could do with a good shake!

Big Bag of Chips · 01-05-2019 07:41PM

I'd say all the talk of not wanting a baby for another 2 years could be to reel you in. I'd bet my house on an unplanned* pregnancy before Christmas.

*unplanned by you

Ursus Horribilis · 01-05-2019 07:57PM

I think you need to be honest with yourself here. You're not one bit over her. You're still hung up on her, despite your incompatibility. You're in very dangerous territory here.

Toots · 01-05-2019 08:31PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I'd say all the talk of not wanting a baby for another 2 years could be to reel you in. I'd bet my house on an unplanned* pregnancy before Christmas.

*unplanned by you

This, 100%. Your situation is similar to one a mat of mine was in - gf was mad to get married, get a house, have kids etc. He had been clear from day 1 that he didn’t want that until he was at least mid 30’s but she kept trying to pressure him. Even got her mum to have “chats” with him about it. They spilt up, but they couldn’t really stay away from each other and suddenly she was totally fine with waiting another few years until they were in their 30’s. She even went and got the contraceptive implant in her arm to prove it.

She moved back in with him, and all was sunshine and buttercups for about a month until one day he was taking out the recycling, the bag split, and as he was putting all the paper back in, a piece of paper caught his eye and it turned out to be a receipt from her doctor for “Implanon removal” dated a week previously. She never mentioned getting it taken out, and he knew well she had no intention of telling him, especially since they’d had sex a couple of times since the removal and if she hadn’t wanted to get pregnant she’d have said to use a condom. He reckons she was trying to get pregnant, knowing that he’d most likely have asked her to marry him.

It really messed him up for a long time, but he blocked her completely and ended up changing his email and his phone number because she kept emailing him from different ones. It’s hard, but really you need to cut all contact if you want to get over her and move on with your life.

wiggle16 · 01-05-2019 09:12PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think you need to be honest with yourself here. You're not one bit over her. You're still hung up on her, despite your incompatibility. You're in very dangerous territory here.

I think you're a trip to London and about 6 pints with no dinner away from being right back where you started.

I know it might sound like scaremongering but I had a friend who was in the same situation as Toots' friend except in his case the girl did end up pregnant in the end, shortly after they got back together after a break up. People don't like to think it happens, but your ex does sound an awful lot like that girl in many ways. Put it this way - if she fell pregnant by you, do you think she would be in crisis, or would she be over the moon?

All that aside, the first paragraph of your post sees you in a very good place in your life. That's not the life you'll have with her and you know it.

Forget the deadline, put her out of your mind and just move on. You're not over her but you need to give yourself more time.

irishgirl19 · 01-05-2019 09:33PM

wiggle16 wrote:

- ....I'd say she knew you would. Because instead of replying with "I blocked you because I need space to get over you and I would prefer if you respected that etc" or just ignoring it, she launched straight into communication with you. I suspect she knew you wouldn't be able to leave that lie.

Yeah, interesting how she blocked you from social media but not your phone number.
Sounds like she anticipated you contacting her

cristali · 01-05-2019 09:41PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

People are being insanely harsh on the OP's girlfriend here. Look at it from her point of view.

He asks her to move over to Dublin temporarily. She does. He does not seem to consider going over to her, he asks her to come to him, and she agrees, with the proviso that they return to London after a year.
He then asks her to stay longer because his mam is ill. She agrees.
She is getting bullied at work and is very unhappy in Dublin and goes home. No word from OP on how he supported her emotionally during this time.
She agrees to return within a week. Sounds like she loves him a lot, to return somewhere she hates.
Her boyfriend is home very late every night and she feels lonely.
OP's mam's health improves so they can now move to London, three years later than planned.
Except instead of returning to London as he promised, OP now wants to move to another European city.
The girlfriend initially seems excited, then realises she just wants to go home to London.
OP responds to this by dumping her.

I can't get over how many people are calling the poor girl selfish. This is a woman who sounds like she's had a very tough time over the past four years. She's given up her entire life to be with OP and the commitment she asked for has not been made. I imagine she was very scared that after giving up so much for OP, he could easily turn around in a year or two and dump her, then she's in her thirties and having to start again, with nothing to show for all her sacrifice. Yes, OP's mam is sick, but what about his girlfriend and her needs? How do you know nobody in her family is sick? How do you know she's not depressed? How do you know she wasn't desperately missing her family for the 3 years she was with OP in a city she didn't really want to move to and didn't like?

I must have read a very different post to the rest of you because it sounds to me like OP is the more selfish one here. It seems like he expects her to give up everything to be where he wants to be. Yes, his mam is sick, but literally everything in his entire post has been him getting everything on his terms. What about HER needs? Why SHOULD she just follow him around Europe, with only his word that they'll get married and move back to London? He's already lied to her once regarding returning to London. He's already told her he'd propose and then not done it. It's easy for people on the outside to say she should be more patient, but look at it from her point of view. She's given up the last four years of her life to be with this guy and now that he's free to move away from Dublin, he STILL isn't going to London, as he promised all along.

I feel really sorry for her. She's put her own dreams on hold and essentially been strung along for 4 years and eventually dumped. OP's mam being sick does not give him a free pass to do this to someone. I see no empathy or understanding of her situation at all, just blaming her for not getting on better in Dublin, a city she only agreed to move to for a year. I find OP's post very 'me, me, me' and am very shocked at how many people are calling the girlfriend selfish. It sounds like she's given a lot and gotten very little back. What has he done for her? What has HE given up? I don't think an engagement is at all too much to hope for after a four-year relationship, especially when he's asking her to live away from her home for a further two years, with the personal and career disruption that entails. She's asking him to go back to London, which was what he initially promised her, and he doesn't want to go because it's expensive.

So at the end of the day, OP values saving money over his girlfriend. If he actually loved her, he'd move to London, where she clearly desperately wants to be, and save the relationship. Instead, he's sitting here worrying about himself and his age and whether HE will be able to have kids and feeling sorry for himself because he's alone in the city HE chose to move to.

And yous think the girlfriend is the me feiner here???

Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you'd feel.

Finally!!! .. someone that sees the 2 sides of the story .. in my opinion you're 100% right

punisher5112 · 01-05-2019 09:42PM

Op you know what's needed and of course it's easier said then done and your head is saying one thing and your soldier another....

Seriously look at how your life has changed and if this isn't a wake up to it and how well you now have things this will all be gone if you are back with her.

You will fall back into how it was and lose all the new friends and activities.

Look I've been there, extremely immature and foolish thinking she was actually with me for me.

She used me, I thought it was the best thing ever and she was quite hot but it was about money and anything she could get from me.

She was actually using me for lifts to her other fellas house also without me knowing as it was said it was a friend and she was staying the weekend etc etc.

Soon came clear I was been used but I still honestly thought I loved the girl and yet could see no wrong.

I look back now and go wtf was I thinking seriously how stupid was I.

I even went back after about 6 months after she split with me after getting a 3k loan which I never ever saw again and we were back and she wanted to set up a direct debit so I could transfer money to her account.

God I was young and very stupid....

Ursus Horribilis · 01-05-2019 09:51PM

cristali wrote: »

Finally!!! .. someone that sees the 2 sides of the story .. in my opinion you're 100% right

Ah Jaysus. Did you really have to quote that entire, lengthy post just to say you agreed with it :mad: I was scrolling for ages just to see that one line reply.

otnomart · 01-05-2019 10:05PM

PHG wrote: »

I told her that I missed her and still loved her and if we could reconcile.

OP, I agree with what others have said: you are not compatible and should have well realised this by now, instead of talking of love and getting back together, words which would only mess her head and yours.

Go you own separate ways, for both your sakes.

She has now (finally) cut contact, so do not contact her again.

PHG · 01-05-2019 10:59PM

Thanks for all the replies. Been out at a gig.

Will reply tomorrow.

PHG

PHG · 02-05-2019 08:19AM

Firstly, thanks for the replies. I didn’t expect them to be so direct, but I do appreciate the honesty

@ Ursus – My family and friends would agree with you, all have said that if it if got back together that they would expect it to be done before Xmas. Their concern is me going back into the headspace I was in in January and worried for me. I no longer feel lonely but agree that I am not near over her yet.

@ Wiggle – She was saying she is in a better place now that she is back in London and settled and in a better place mentally and more mature. That she wished we had worked out. I am not sure about that though. The whole spiel abut a new career life etc. and she seems to have gone back into the type of job she doesn’t like (though she says the place is “so chill and she can travel a bit now and on a good wage”). I was looking at her social media intermittently and her mine. A said before, now she is saying she may not know who I am anymore and it confuses her. I guess we are both messing each other around to a degree, I am not trying to do that though purposely. I don’t know if she is playing a game but to quote my cousin “I don’t think she's being malicious or trying to hurt you deliberately, just being the same self-centered spoilt child she's proven herself to be, that she is probably getting sick of being at home and now keeping her options open knowing you would run back to her”. He also said if she was genuine about meeting that she would have said yes straight away and not wait this long.

@Toots – That post made me nervous. As I said before it is odd that she would be ok with being pregnant as we could have dealt with it but happy to wait now for 2 years. I honestly saw that as her compromising, but maybe not now. My older friend sat me down 2 weeks ago and said that he got caught similar. He then told me that I need to see that I have nothing to lose if I just drive on without her. That I am 31 and years left to have kids, settle etc. and not to put my eggs in one basket. That I have a good job, personality, good looks etc. That my confidence is on the floor and once I build it up again that I will have no trouble attracting a partner. I said thanks and believed that before but not atm. He said he likes my ex but to not believe her saying she would wait 2 years. That if she does have fertility issues, do I honestly think her mindset will have changed in such a short period! That she may see me as someone who cares for her, loves her, can provide and would be a good father and would do the job. That does she really want to go back out into the world again to find someone, date a load of lads and go through that nonsense and do all the other stuff before trying for a baby when I am already here. He said it is not my problem now what her issues are and that I need to realise that I am a catch and have a lot going for me. He said if she doesn’t text you and doesn’t want to start again if we do meet to walk away the bigger person and realise that there are 100’s of women out there for me like there are 100’s of men out there for her.

My confidence is more than a bit shook but if I haven’t heard by tomorrow I am going to book the football with my cousins on Saturday which will force me not to go should she text on Saturday. I am not going to be angry if she says she cannot meet, just civil. Wish her well with her career and life and move on. The last thing I want to be is wet like her Dad. All the men in her family are like that and I am too independent (usually) to be like that. I have wasted too much time on this and really to move on, but to be honest I won’t until Saturday.

Thanks,
PHG

Ursus Horribilis · 02-05-2019 08:30AM

Do you still think it's wise to meet her?

PHG · 02-05-2019 08:37AM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Do you still think it's wise to meet her?

Honestly, I don't know. I won't lie though, if she contacts me before I land tomorrow saying she will meet, then I will.

If she says she has other plans (unless an emergency), maybe another time or I don't know whether to or not, then 100% no. Agreeing to meet another time or her off putting i will see as a power play and as said by a poster would make me just a compliant mug

Ursus Horribilis · 02-05-2019 08:50AM

If I'm honest, you sound like someone who is utterly adrift. Deep down, the only solution you have in your head is to get back with her. One or two flutters of her eyelashes and you'll be back with her. This despite all that talk you have about her motivations etc. You just can't help yourself.

It's striking that you have people in your own life warning you about her and saying they'd be happier if you stayed split. In general, people don't like to interfere or express strong opinions about someone's girlfriend. They are in your case but you're not picking up on this enough. If you were my brother and I read this thread, I'd be sick with anxiety and would be wishing I could lock you in a cupboard for a few months.

ManOfMystery · 02-05-2019 10:01AM

It's actually a little frustrating to read your post OP. IMO you have the measure of her, yet she still maintains this hold over you.

You have a huge amount going on for you. And literally millions of females out there who are more assertive, confident and less needy/me-me-me than her. IMO her behaviour is almost cliched, have seen it many times before and even if you two get back together your subsequent marriage and life would be one which is geared around you mostly appeasing her and her Princess tendencies.

Do yourself a favour and close this chapter of your life.

Idle Passerby · 02-05-2019 10:11AM

The two of you are not good for each other, your stuck in a destructive cycle and it's become a habit that's hard to break.

She wants kids yesterday, she's entitled to want whatever she wants and shes put her wants on hold for long enough at this stage. She won't get kids from you I suspect. Is it possible that deep down you either don't want kids at all or do but not with her. It's worth exploring that because if it's either of those you are stringing her along.

That's not to say I think you should give in to her demands. You are not compatible. You don't want the same things from life and your separate desires/ambitions are pulling you in different directions. The drama it's causing is blinding you to the obvious, the relationship has run its course and you'd both be better off forgetting about each other.

Keyzer · 02-05-2019 10:26AM

My dad used to say to me when I was younger "if you fall off that wall and break your two legs, don't come running to me"...

You get back with this girl and you'll be back here in six months telling us all it was a disaster. Or worse, back in 6 years - miserable and ruled by a selfish woman who wants everything her way.

You've been warned OP - multiple times.

Tacklebox · 02-05-2019 11:01AM

Keyzer wrote: »

My dad used to say to me when I was younger "if you fall off that wall and break your two legs, don't come running to me"...

You get back with this girl and you'll be back here in six months telling us all it was a disaster. Or worse, back in 6 years - miserable and ruled by a selfish woman who wants everything her way.

You've been warned OP - multiple times.

At least you can heal from two broken legs and look forward.
I like your dad's metaphorical thinking, is he from Kerry sound like my aul lad.

LegacyUser · 02-05-2019 12:54PM

Genuinely disappointed you're still considering meeting her. Had hopes that you'd break free completely.

Three things stood out for me in your last post:

1. That she said she's in a better place and more mature. Yeah, that tends not to magically happen overnight, OP. It takes a lot longer than a handful of months.

2. Her comment about not knowing you now. Again, it's been mere months - not decades! This is a deliberate mind fu*k on her part.

3. She has fertility issues? You don't put having kids on the long finger with fertility issues. So glove the hell up if you decide to have sex - with condoms you bought that she has never touched.

As another poster said, you have the measure of her yet you persist in going down this road. That's what makes the whole thing such a shame. Usually, when one gets the measure of another and know them to be lacking, they walk away. They don't make a rod for their backs.

Ursus Horribilis · 02-05-2019 01:33PM

Even the way you've been communicating in recent times is very very off. Why aren't ye chatting on the phone for hours like old friends and looking forward to catching up again? Instead, it's all mind games and radio silence and one of you trying to outfox the other. It's therapy you need, not getting back with your ex. Which, let's face it, is what this is all about.

She has told you, through all her behaviour to date, what she is now like. You have been given warnings from that about what you're facing into if you choose to rekindle this relationship. You both want different things but are trying to fool yourselves because you're both lonely and not coping well with being single. You'll have many a long year to regret your foolishness.

Big Bag of Chips · 02-05-2019 02:12PM

If she has indeed changed her mind on what she wants and when she wants it, why did she not make contact with you to tell you. You broke up with her because you both wanted different things. If she subsequently realised she wanted the same as you, why not contact you and tell you?

It's a game. To both of you. Both of you dancing around. Testing the other. I have a feeling you two are more than likely going to get back together, except nothing will be different. Things don't generally change that dramatically.

Yellow pack crisps · 02-05-2019 02:23PM

Cut the cord buddy, you know you want to. She has you clinging on and you’re left dangling like second prize.

Mr. Incognito · 02-05-2019 03:25PM

I think you need to stop seeing this girl and go to some Counselling to get you over these issues.

Broke up with the GF - Devastated

Comments