Broke up with the GF - Devastated

PHG

Hi,

So I broke up with my girlfriend of nearly 4 years last week. We had been arguing a bit over Xmas and about every 4 months we would have a full blown one.

We met in Dublin when she was in there visiting people (she is from London) and ended up together. For a year I flew to London most weekends (she few the odd time) and she lived at home. After a year, I asked her to move over to Dublin as I wanted to be with her full time and the constant flights were starting to cripple me financially.

Anyway, we were meant to stay for a year and then move back to Dublin. Just before the move my mam was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer so I did not want to leave Dublin then. We were living with another couple for the first year but as she hated it we moved out to a one bed on our own. Financially this was tough. She still hated Dublin (she said she tried classes and to build a life but never went past 2 classes on anything). I work really long hours and due to a spinal issue need to go to the gym 4 times a week (she knew this before we moved over and said no problem). This means, Monday to Thursday tend to be a write off for me as I am not home until 9pm ish. We used to go on a weekend away or back to London every 6ish weeks and 2 big holidays a year too (I pay 70%).

We had amazing times in Dublin and amazing holidays but she always got upset with my work hours and always cried when another friend of hers got engaged or pregnant (the English seem to do this in mid/late 20s). This led to a lot of tension. She was bullied in work to and one day it all got to a head and she quit and flew home. She came back a week later and got a new job and was very happy in it. However, I had just been offered a new job in Europe (Dublin based but big promotion). My mam had just been announced stable (cannot be cured but held stable for a while) and said to take it and make a life for ourselves. My ex was originally so excited that we were going to live in another European city. We moved back to her parents in London and I commuted every week for 4 months living out of hotels and was wrecked. She came over to visit for 2 weeks and we got ourselves an apartment (paid for by my company bills included). So we can live rent free and no bills. After 7 days here we argued and she booked a flight back to London again and said she cannot live abroad again and needs to settle in London (cannot argue with that) but I called it off there and then.

She is 29, I am 31 and she said I am not committing and if we were engaged last year that she would have stayed. That it is such a compliment to me that she wants to marry me. She talked about so much over the last 3 years I did get dismissive of it. I was planning to get engaged on our big holiday this year. We had planned to buy a house in London towards the end of next year (easily done with current circumstances) but because we spent our savings on holidays before she says i'm a liar and that I cannot ask her to set up a life here and then again back in London in 2 years as she will unlikely get a job. We had also planned to start trying for a family then (I can see her point of view here!). That I did not realise she was suicidal in Dublin (I'm calling BS on that one as i don't think she really tried during the 2.5years).

I am very upset, cut off contact for the last few days too. In case you think long distance, due to timezone difference, by the time she finishes work if she were to fly out to me she wouldn't get here until 1am Saturday morning and back Sunday and buying a house after not living together for 2 years doesn't seem right.

She wants us to rent a 1 bedroom apartment in London but that is 1400 GBP min once bills are paid and will heavily eat into any house deposit over 2 years.

So I'm in a new city on my own (joined a few meetups) in what was meant to b our apartment a feeling like s**t. There is a lot my fault too but I cannot do 6 hours on a plane every week and as we do dates night once a week (would have to be Saturday), this means I would be eating out 7 nights a week for the next 2 years!! But I saw her as my future wife, partner and the person I wanted a family with. I did have doubt at times but now afraid of being lonely and never finding that person as will be 33 when back in London and too old (I know catastrophic thinking here) I will be moving back to London in 2 years anyway as that is where all my family and friends are so moving to London was never an issue in the medium term, was always the case.

Any advice appreciated.

Bandana boy

Hi
I would think about rewriting that , I could not follow it at all.

GingerLily

Bandana boy wrote: »

Hi
I would think about rewriting that , I could not follow it at all.

I also found it extremely hard to follow, hard to advise.

punisher5112

6 hours flight from Dublin????

If you love the girl tell her, if it's not meant to be it just might not work as stress and work seems to be the biggest thing.

Have you talked to her properly about all this.

wiggle16

Hi OP

In all honesty? Leave her to it. You'd be mad to keep this going.

Your mother is extremely ill. You don't need this pressure and BS added onto that.

You have moved back and forth between Ireland, Europe and the UK with this girl. Every time things don't go her way *POOF!* she goes running back to London. She doesn't need to be engaged to you to stop her from throwing strops and getting on planes out of the blue, as if either of those things are a cure for anything. It's called being decent.

She sounds very self-involved and a complete Mé Féiner, she has treated you very poorly especially considering your mother is so ill.

There is more to life than putting up with someone else's theatricals and BS - youre supposed to be happy for your friends when they get engaged/married/pregnant, not get upset. The other side of it is that she clearly doesn't find your lifestyle compatible with hers anyway - and she has no problem blaming you for that. She had issues with your hours but she knew what they would be when she moved over.

My advice is to forget about her and start afresh. Focus on your mam. To be blunt, do not waste time, you only have so much and with your mother so sick it is precious. Believe me, if you spend any more time on this girl and *her* wants, and less with your mother on account of her, you will never have a bigger regret.

Youre free now from this self-involved drama queen. It's not going to work. Keep it that way and focus on what's important.

Good luck OP

LegacyUser

It all comes across as a bit messy because of all the moving around, changing jobs, moving accommodation frequently, moving to different countries etc. The entire relationship sounds like you never had any period of stability at all and is a casualty of that instability rather than the fault of both of you as individuals. Sometimes love isn't enough if your lifestyles are not compatible. Time apart is probably what's needed to give yourselves both some breathing space at this stage.

Mr. Incognito

She sounds like an immature idiot.

Running home and blackmailing you every time you have a fight.

I would move on- plenty of decent level headed people out there.

PHG

Thanks for the replies first of all and apologies for the hap hazard post

@ Punisher - The flight is 3 hours each way so I fly Sunday night (get in at 1am to hotel) or Monday morning around 5.45am in the morning and back late Friday night

I have talked to her about all of this and that I had planned to propose this year. She said it was too late and should have committed at least a year ago with min of a promise ring! She says that she cannot start a career here for 2 years and go back to London and start again as we would be planning for a family and she could not get a job, then look for maternity. She wants her own cash (very fair point!). I countered saying I would start commuting in 18months time again and for her to come back 2 months early so as to get a job in London. She could start looking at houses as we would have the deposit sorted by then. She said it is too stressful for her at her stage of life and needs to settle now as that will help her get her head right. We had talked many times about starting a family in Jan 2021 so this was not new info.

@wiggle - I could not disagree with you on any point there. Lots of drama and no action. I have gotten very upset at times when asking her to try something else (she complained about putting on weight, we had a gym 5 min walk from our apartment and went 5 times in 9 months. When i tried to support her she said I am having a go. This led to annoyance on my part as it became a habit, something new then stop. To be fair in the end she made 3 very good friends and said she didn't want to leave Dublin.

@abc... - yes good point, sometimes love isn't enough

@Mr.Incognito - Hope so. feel at 31 nearly 32 that I won't have time to move back to London in 2 years, find "the one" have the experiences marriage and kids. i know its possible but all feels rushed,

Thanks,

PHG

punisher5112

In all honesty I think you should look for someone who actually cares for you.

It sounds like a total head melt and maybe a blessing in disguise.

I would run.

LuckyLloyd

PHG wrote: »

@Mr.Incognito - Hope so. feel at 31 nearly 32 that I won't have time to move back to London in 2 years, find "the one" have the experiences marriage and kids. i know its possible but all feels rushed,

Well, you're wrong on that. I know it's a feeling or opinion, but I can only tell you that time is very much on your side.

LegacyUser

PHG wrote: »

Thanks for the replies first of all and apologies for the hap hazard post

@ Punisher - The flight is 3 hours each way so I fly Sunday night (get in at 1am to hotel) or Monday morning around 5.45am in the morning and back late Friday night

I have talked to her about all of this and that I had planned to propose this year. She said it was too late and should have committed at least a year ago with min of a promise ring! She says that she cannot start a career here for 2 years and go back to London and start again as we would be planning for a family and she could not get a job, then look for maternity. She wants her own cash (very fair point!). I countered saying I would start commuting in 18months time again and for her to come back 2 months early so as to get a job in London. She could start looking at houses as we would have the deposit sorted by then. She said it is too stressful for her at her stage of life and needs to settle now as that will help her get her head right. We had talked many times about starting a family in Jan 2021 so this was not new info.

@wiggle - I could not disagree with you on any point there. Lots of drama and no action. I have gotten very upset at times when asking her to try something else (she complained about putting on weight, we had a gym 5 min walk from our apartment and went 5 times in 9 months. When i tried to support her she said I am having a go. This led to annoyance on my part as it became a habit, something new then stop. To be fair in the end she made 3 very good friends and said she didn't want to leave Dublin.

@abc... - yes good point, sometimes love isn't enough

@Mr.Incognito - Hope so. feel at 31 nearly 32 that I won't have time to move back to London in 2 years, find "the one" have the experiences marriage and kids. i know its possible but all feels rushed,

Thanks,

PHG

Have you thought about her confidence that everything will work itself out for Her with her lifeplan without you?

She's going to meet a partner, settle down, marry, have kids etc before When exactly?

I also think you could look at yourself, what do you want out of life? There's been a lot of moving about & change & even the pacing and energy of your posts is exhausting. Where would You like to live? Are you happy working all the hours you do? How much are you willing to compromise for your partner or mother?

You're at a bit of a crossroads OP and whatever you decide stick it out & don't doubt yourself.

ChrissieH

If you were to boil it down to the very basics, it kind of sounds as simple as "you are at different stages in your lives" - if she's eager to be married and have children pretty much right now, and you're building up your career with a view to getting married and having children in the next couple of years, then that's kind of the bottom line by the looks of it.
The arguing and strops etc are basically her way of communicating that she's not getting what she needs from this relationship, whereas you are probably feeling more fulfilled, and therefore are a bit baffled as to what the problem is?

That's my interpretation of it anyway.

It doesn't sound like she's happy to wait another couple of years for things to go her way, and although she's now faced with that wait anyway - assuming she'll now have to go and meet someone else and build up a relationship with them etc. - it might well be the case that she's genuinely finished with your relationship as, to be fair, you are from 2 different countries, you have been moving around a bit so she has no real guarantee that that will ever change and maybe she's just a real homebird who wants to be living close to her family and friends. (She might not have realised that until she was away from them)

I know it's easier said than done, but it really might be for the best to let this relationship go. It sounds like it's been a lot of effort and hard work on your part (with all the travelling and the financial input) and it just hasn't been enough for her because she's looking for the settled, family life right now. So what would be the point in getting back into another few years of long-distance and expense when it's clearly still not going to be what she wants right now.

wiggle16

PHG wrote: »

@ Punisher - The flight is 3 hours each way so I fly Sunday night (get in at 1am to hotel) or Monday morning around 5.45am in the morning and back late Friday night

I have talked to her about all of this and that I had planned to propose this year. She said it was too late and should have committed at least a year ago with min of a promise ring! She says that she cannot start a career here for 2 years and go back to London and start again as we would be planning for a family and she could not get a job, then look for maternity. She wants her own cash (very fair point!). I countered saying I would start commuting in 18months time again and for her to come back 2 months early so as to get a job in London. She could start looking at houses as we would have the deposit sorted by then. She said it is too stressful for her at her stage of life and needs to settle now as that will help her get her head right.

ChrissyH made a very good point about you both being at different stages in your lives in terms of what you want and I think the above speaks to that. She wants to be able to settle down and does not want to compromise. You don't feel any urgency to that. Your lives are going at difference paces, it's not workable and it's not sustainable.

Either way she sounds quite self-involved tbh and I couldn't put up with what you've described in terms of theatricals. Had I a partner like that they'd have been told where to go a long time ago ("promise ring" :rolleyes: ). That's just me, but with your mam so sick you dont have time for this carry on. You really don't.

She sounds like the kind of person who is never going to be happy no matter what you do. You're in the best position right now. Don't go back.

Keyzer

PHG wrote: »

I have talked to her about all of this and that I had planned to propose this year. She said it was too late and should have committed at least a year ago with min of a promise ring!
PHG

And for this reason, I'm out... and you should too.

You don't need this nonsense in your life. You're a scamp at 32 - go enjoy yourself.

ChrissieH

Keyzer wrote: »

You don't need this nonsense in your life. You're a scamp at 32 - go enjoy yourself.

:):)
LOL!! A scamp!

I actually do agree - I broke up with my ex at 31 and immediately met the man that I'm now married to. If I hadn't broken up with the ex at that point, who knows if I'd have met the bane love of my life

Big Bag of Chips

If she intends on spending the rest of her life with you why would it matter if you started last year or next? Does she work now? It sounds like she looks to you to be her provider. And if you're not going to do it (because you're too busy actually building a career and a future, like most adults should be) then she'll find someone who will.

From your posts I can only describe her as a headmelt who never grew up. You provide for her, or your job does, or her parents do. But never her, never standing on her own two feet. And whenever it gets a bit difficult she runs home again.

Leave her off. Find a woman who is capable of being your equal, your partner, your support. When the dust settles you'll feel a weight removed and wonder how you put up with the stress and aggravation for so long.

witchgirl26

OP honestly her reaction doesn't smack of someone who is almost 30 but rather someone who's still a teenager. Complaining when things don't go exactly her way and running back home anytime something happens she doesn't like. Nah you're better off without that.

As for the engagement - I knew from 3 months in that I'd marry my OH but I never pushed him on engagement or rings or anything because I knew he had to get there in his own time and when he'd do it, it would be because he wanted to, not because I pushed him into it. Not going to lie that at times I really wanted him to but I'm so glad I didn't let that little devil take over because realistically it meant so much more.

Other posters have been right in saying that you are probably both at different life stages, even just slightly, in that you want to enjoy life a little more before settling down and she wants to settle down now. That can work if both parties compromise and talk but it seems like it's her way or no way which to me kinda sets a red flag for the rest of the relationship. Take some time for yourself and as Big Bag of Chips said, find someone who is as willing to support you as you are them.

LolaJJ

Hey OP

Honestly, the post was difficult enough to follow but she sounds completely caught up with getting engaged and married.

It's weird that she hates being away from London but if ye were married or engaged that would change. It wouldn't change, just she would have manipulated you in to committing to her.

Anyone who feels that getting engaged or married is going to fix something is severely deluded.

This relationship sounds exhausting for both of you and I am sure that as time passes you will start to feel like you are carrying less of a burden.

But honestly it sounds like she has all her priorities mixed up. Not wanting to sound like a soppy romantic but despite distance or work or gym commitments when you meet the right person it just isn't this complicated

PHG

HI,

Thanks for all the replies again. Didn't expect so much. Been flat out and will try and reply to all.

@LuckyLloyd - Thanks for that comment made me smile

@quietadvice - Fair point. In trying to encourage her over the years I have asked her to get up and do more cause what would happen if I died. I do have a will sorted and she would have gotten an ok payout but I really meant for her self fulfillment and if there were kids in the future, who would provide and income. She brought that up saying she needs to sort that herself now and scared if I died. As for the settle down etc. she said it was her dream to be engaged before 30, house after and 2 kids by 32/33 latest.

As for myself, I want to live in London near my own family in 2 years time. I will be able to do week away and week on client site from then no problem. I don't mind the hours currently as the role is very challenging, fulfilling and the people are good at what they do and friendly.

The compromise between the exr and mother was different at different times. If my Mam wasn't unwell then my ex would be front and centre. I had stated that when my mam gets really bad I will work from home (Ireland) for as much as I can. My ex had no issue with this. There are times I did not compromise enough for the ex, due to tiredness, stress etc. and not doing random acts of kindness likes flowers from time to time (I did do my share of housework every week though). That said I try to make up for it with big holidays and trips away every 8 weeks for the weekend, which may include flying back to London, trip down the country etc.. We did nearly all of Ireland over the last 2 years for our adventures (highly recommend Lough Hyne Kayaking!!)

@ChrissieH - Thank you hit and you hit the nail on the head as to why I am baffled. You are right where I am likely more fulfilled with life and she wants her own fulfillment and is afraid not of getting it with all the travelling. She had said last year she wanted to try for kids now but I just was not ready and as she says I am changing the goal posts again. Where she sees that as instability (cannot argue with her there) I just see it as life happening as goal posts tend to move from time to time depending on what has changed in front of you.

@ keyzer - Thanks will use scamp at some stage!

@ Big bag of Chips - Her family have a history of very bad fertilty issues and not able to conceive. This has been pressured on to her by her family and it really gets to her. She and her sister are IVF babies so a very sensitive topic with her understandably. She really wants to know if she can conceive or not now.

@LolaJJ - She said if we were engaged and away it would show my commitment and though she would be unhappy here it would give her a reason to have stayed. But yes it shouldn't be this complicated

I understand that I may have made her sound quite self indulgement and full of drama but she is incredibly caring and loving at times. I just wish she saw the opportunites she has missed out on (and I cannot do anything to push that or try anymore, it would be wrong) but its that sick feeling from chest to stomach, lack of sleeping and eating. Its bloody awful.

I have said to her I wish her all the best and had great memories and really do hope she is happy in the future. She still wants to be friends and contact but I do not know if it is feasible.

Thanks

Keyzer

Not going to quote you, no need.

This will hurt like a kick in the gonads for a while but your better off with the decision you've made.

ChrissieH

Well OP, I'm not 100% clear but it sounds like it's up to you whether you want to keep the relationship going - I don't want to assume that your ex left in order to get a reaction from you, but it's possible that that's what happened, so I'm thinking it's possible that she doesn't want to break up with you but does want you to change your life in order to be with her. So from the way I've interpreted your story, I would think that it's your call.

I wonder if the fact that you did end the relationship means that deep down, you know it's the right thing to do?
It doesn't make it any less painful and heartbreaking but believe people when they say that time helps to heal that. It's sad, lonely and scary when you break up from someone that you love but it's not going to stay that way for ever and it absolutely teaches you SO much about what you want and don't want from relationships and makes you think about what you're willing to give to relationships.. it's tough but beneficial in the long-run. Not every relationship is meant to last a lifetime, lots of them are lovely, interesting learning curves.

Mr. Incognito

Taking here away every 8 weeks?

Here would you go away out of that.

You were basically her sugar daddy and she's throwing her toys out of the pram. Myself and the missus get away much more infrequently but its the little things. She makes me my tea in the morning before I wake up and it means more than any holiday we have ever taken.

If you find a decent human being you will be able to be yourself without all these nonsensical grand gestures.

PHG

Hi Everyone,

And thanks again

@ChrissieH - It had crossed my mind for a while whether to do it or not. Like I love her to bits but until she gets herself together and starts acting her age instead of 16 it would not work. We are at 2 different stages. She has gone home to sort her life out but tbh I think it is just running away as scared again and will be told everything will be fine by her family instead of sort yourself out. Yes she has said that she wants the relationship to continue and for me to travel all the time but no point. I am not paying for an apartment here and in London. I did say since I would be only there 8 nights a month that she pay for the other 22 and she lost the head saying all I think about is money.

We were so busy in Dublin we did not get quality time together due to both families coming and going. At least here nobody can easily get to us and we could have built a common network of friends and experiences. I flew over to her parents for the first year of the relationship so we never got much of the "honeymoon" period. I am biased but I think she would have been able to become more independent here then ever she will living at home again.

@Mr.Incognito - Every 8 weeks included paying or subsidisng for flights home too. Last year we flew back to London (before I started the new job) 4/5 times, Belfast, Galway (stayed with friends), Kerry. A week between 2 cities in Europe and North America for 2 weeks so pretty flat out. I did not pay for everything but split was 70/30 min. I understand what you mean about the cup of tea thing and she says that is where I didn't pull my wait with small gestures like that and flowers. I am not the most romantic and something I should work on in the future with my next partner.

That said today I booked a holiday on my own for 2 weeks to Asia in a solo group traveller thing so onwards and upwards !!!

lainey_d_123

People are being insanely harsh on the OP's girlfriend here. Look at it from her point of view.

He asks her to move over to Dublin temporarily. She does. He does not seem to consider going over to her, he asks her to come to him, and she agrees, with the proviso that they return to London after a year.
He then asks her to stay longer because his mam is ill. She agrees.
She is getting bullied at work and is very unhappy in Dublin and goes home. No word from OP on how he supported her emotionally during this time.
She agrees to return within a week. Sounds like she loves him a lot, to return somewhere she hates.
Her boyfriend is home very late every night and she feels lonely.
OP's mam's health improves so they can now move to London, three years later than planned.
Except instead of returning to London as he promised, OP now wants to move to another European city.
The girlfriend initially seems excited, then realises she just wants to go home to London.
OP responds to this by dumping her.

I can't get over how many people are calling the poor girl selfish. This is a woman who sounds like she's had a very tough time over the past four years. She's given up her entire life to be with OP and the commitment she asked for has not been made. I imagine she was very scared that after giving up so much for OP, he could easily turn around in a year or two and dump her, then she's in her thirties and having to start again, with nothing to show for all her sacrifice. Yes, OP's mam is sick, but what about his girlfriend and her needs? How do you know nobody in her family is sick? How do you know she's not depressed? How do you know she wasn't desperately missing her family for the 3 years she was with OP in a city she didn't really want to move to and didn't like?

I must have read a very different post to the rest of you because it sounds to me like OP is the more selfish one here. It seems like he expects her to give up everything to be where he wants to be. Yes, his mam is sick, but literally everything in his entire post has been him getting everything on his terms. What about HER needs? Why SHOULD she just follow him around Europe, with only his word that they'll get married and move back to London? He's already lied to her once regarding returning to London. He's already told her he'd propose and then not done it. It's easy for people on the outside to say she should be more patient, but look at it from her point of view. She's given up the last four years of her life to be with this guy and now that he's free to move away from Dublin, he STILL isn't going to London, as he promised all along.

I feel really sorry for her. She's put her own dreams on hold and essentially been strung along for 4 years and eventually dumped. OP's mam being sick does not give him a free pass to do this to someone. I see no empathy or understanding of her situation at all, just blaming her for not getting on better in Dublin, a city she only agreed to move to for a year. I find OP's post very 'me, me, me' and am very shocked at how many people are calling the girlfriend selfish. It sounds like she's given a lot and gotten very little back. What has he done for her? What has HE given up? I don't think an engagement is at all too much to hope for after a four-year relationship, especially when he's asking her to live away from her home for a further two years, with the personal and career disruption that entails. She's asking him to go back to London, which was what he initially promised her, and he doesn't want to go because it's expensive.

So at the end of the day, OP values saving money over his girlfriend. If he actually loved her, he'd move to London, where she clearly desperately wants to be, and save the relationship. Instead, he's sitting here worrying about himself and his age and whether HE will be able to have kids and feeling sorry for himself because he's alone in the city HE chose to move to.

And yous think the girlfriend is the me feiner here???

Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you'd feel.

lainey_d_123

LolaJJ wrote: »

Hey OP

Honestly, the post was difficult enough to follow but she sounds completely caught up with getting engaged and married.

It's weird that she hates being away from London but if ye were married or engaged that would change. It wouldn't change, just she would have manipulated you in to committing to her.

Anyone who feels that getting engaged or married is going to fix something is severely deluded.

This relationship sounds exhausting for both of you and I am sure that as time passes you will start to feel like you are carrying less of a burden.

But honestly it sounds like she has all her priorities mixed up. Not wanting to sound like a soppy romantic but despite distance or work or gym commitments when you meet the right person it just isn't this complicated

That's patronising. It's not that people think getting engaged will fix something, but there are loads of women (especially) who end up getting strung alone for years, sacrificing their own dreams and ambitions, and then get dumped at the end of it. OP was asking for an awful lot from someone he wasn't even prepared to fully commit to, IMO. Look at it from her point of view. I imagine her friends and family were missing her a lot, questioning why everything seemed to be in his terms, why he couldn't move to London, why she was following him around doing what he wanted to do without even the security of an engagement or a marriage.

Idle Passerby

She wants to live in London, get married and have kids. You dont live in London, haven't expressed an interest in marrying her and have no immediate plans to move there. She has family history of fertility problems so it's understandable she's worried about leaving it too late. You two living several hours away by plane isn't really conducive with starting a family. What else was realistically going to happen other than a break up? Sounds like it was inevitable to me.

It also sounds like breaking up was a good idea, the relationship sounded stressful and chaotic for both of you.

wiggle16

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

That's patronising. It's not that people think getting engaged will fix something, but there are loads of women (especially) who end up getting strung alone for years, sacrificing their own dreams and ambitions, and then get dumped at the end of it. OP was asking for an awful lot from someone he wasn't even prepared to fully commit to, IMO. Look at it from her point of view. I imagine her friends and family were missing her a lot, questioning why everything seemed to be in his terms, why he couldn't move to London, why she was following him around doing what he wanted to do without even the security of an engagement or a marriage.

The OP didn't ask anything of her. She was the one who wanted everything on her terms and stormed off to the UK every now and then when she didn't get her way.

She's the one who wants the promise ring, engagement, marriage, kids, settling down and happy families for good as soon as humanly possible. She's perfectly entitled to want all of that and find a partner who wants all of that too. But she and the OP are on completely different pages with where they are in life. This girl should have (and probably has) realised that. He didn't drag her kicking and screaming to Dublin and then Europe. How is it his fault if friends and family missed her? She's the one who left.

She gets upset when her friends get married, engaged or have babies, instead of being happy for them. She f#cked off to London whenever things didn't go her way. Doesn't sound to me like someone who is ready to have kids or get married, no matter how much she might want it.

None of the above makes her a bad person, by any stretch. But she is someone who wants to settle down ASAP and at the same time is extremely changeable and capricious and flighty - not a good combination, and the OP is well advised to move on.

lainey_d_123

wiggle16 wrote: »

The OP didn't ask anything of her. She was the one who wanted everything on her terms and stormed off to the UK every now and then when she didn't get her way.

She's the one who wants the promise ring, engagement, marriage, kids, settling down and happy families for good as soon as humanly possible. She's perfectly entitled to want all of that and find a partner who wants all of that too. But she and the OP are on completely different pages with where they are in life. This girl should have (and probably has) realised that. He didn't drag her kicking and screaming to Dublin and then Europe. How is it his fault if friends and family missed her? She's the one who left.

She gets upset when her friends get married, engaged or have babies, instead of being happy for them. She f#cked off to London whenever things didn't go her way. Doesn't sound to me like someone who is ready to have kids or get married, no matter how much she might want it.

None of the above makes her a bad person, by any stretch. But she is someone who wants to settle down ASAP and at the same time is extremely changeable and capricious and flighty - not a good combination, and the OP is well advised to move on.

He didn't ask anything of her? You have to be kidding me. The relationship started out long distance and he asked her to move to Dublin for a year, the deal being that they'd move to London after that. His girlfriend did so and ended up staying for a further THREE YEARS, despite not liking the city and having problems at work. You honestly think that's not asking anything of someone? To uproot their entire life to be where you want to be, and somewhere they're miserable, to boot?

It's amazing how everyone has just taken OP's side of the story as if it's gospel. A lot of talk of her 'running off home'. She went back to London twice in the entire four years, once for a few days when it sounded like she snapped after being bullied at work (no mention of how or even if OP supported her with that) and again when it became clear that OP was going to prioritise his work and his money over her. Sounds like the poor woman was desperate. Reading his post, there's no attempt by OP to empathise with her needs and issues at all. It's all framed as an inconvenience for him. This is a woman who has moved country to be with him and stuck by his side during his mam's illness, and now they have the all clear to be able to move away, he's STILL not going to London, as he promised. Now, on what planet is that not asking anything of her?

Why are people acting as if she's silly by wanting marriage and babies? She's given up half her twenties to be with a man who has yet to commit to her. She's nearly 30 and knows she might well have fertility problems and you think it's too much to ask that the man she's literally given up her life for (family and friends back home, probably career opportunities, her support network) should ask her to marry him? Seems she can't win. If she posted on here at 35 and childless, people would be asking why she left it so late and why did she let herself be strung along all that time.

I genuinely don't see where she wanted 'everything on her terms'. Seems that she asked for two things in exchange for spending four years living somewhere she hated - to move back to London when possible and to get engaged. She got neither. Meanwhile, OP got to be near his mam, stay in his job, have friends/support network around him all this time. Now that it's his turn to compromise, he's refusing to do it because it doesn't suit him. He's literally putting money ahead of his girlfriend's happiness and wellbeing and breaking his promise to her regarding moving back to her hometown. And you're surprised that she 'ran off home'? We're getting one side of the story here. I think it's a giant red flag that OP seems to brush all her very real problems and worries off as silly inconveniences - is that how he actually treats her in real life? It all feels very cold and clinical, all this talk of money and budgets. What about her feelings? It sounds like she's been quite depressed and isolated. I would imagine she feels quite desperate to 'run off' to London after four years of investing everything into this relationship.

Very surprised and disappointed at the lack of empathy here, honestly.

wiggle16

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

It's amazing how everyone has just taken OP's side of the story as if it's gospel.

Not amazing at all. We're not here to pick his story apart. Unless it's outlandish or fishy, there's no reason not to take his issue and his version of events at face value.

Sounds like the poor woman was desperate. Reading his post, there's no attempt by OP to empathise with her needs and issues at all.

An assumption based upon nothing. You don't know how either of them feel or felt. You can't.

She's given up half her twenties to be with a man who has yet to commit to her.

Oh BOO-HOO. Who hasn't??

What about her feelings? It sounds like she's been quite depressed and isolated. I would imagine she feels quite desperate to 'run off' to London after four years of investing everything into this relationship.

What about her feelings? So what? This is the OP's thread. Again, more assumptions.

1) you are making dozens of assumptions about how she feels and her state of mind, which you cannot possibly know. You have no idea what emotions she feels or felt, or if she was depressed and isolated.

2) the OP's ex has not martyred herself, she didn't "give up her life" for him - would you give it over. Moving abroad with someone is a choice you make, not the massive, selfless sacrifice you're making out. They're adults. He doesn't owe her anything.

3) if the OP's ex ever does come to Personal Issues and starts a thread about what happened, you can show her as much empathy and solidarity as you want. This thread is about the OP and his issue, not his exgirlfriend's feelings.

I don't want to do a back and forth with you any further because we are getting off topic. You empathise with the ex-girlfriend, that's fine. Others don't, and believe the OP is better off because she treated him poorly. But this is the OP's thread, not somewhere for him to be berated by people who think he was a bad boyfriend.

beauf

Relationships isn't working if it's that much hard work to maintain. I don't hear anything in this that's worth saving.

Ursus Horribilis

beauf wrote: »

Relationships isn't working if it's that much hard work to maintain. I don't hear anything in this that's worth saving.

Absolutely. Ultimately it doesn't matter who's more at fault here. They were together for 4 years and never managed to find an equilibrium in that time. Things would have had to change very dramatically for that to happen.