Broke up with the GF - Devastated

PHG

Hi,

So I broke up with my girlfriend of nearly 4 years last week. We had been arguing a bit over Xmas and about every 4 months we would have a full blown one.

We met in Dublin when she was in there visiting people (she is from London) and ended up together. For a year I flew to London most weekends (she few the odd time) and she lived at home. After a year, I asked her to move over to Dublin as I wanted to be with her full time and the constant flights were starting to cripple me financially.

Anyway, we were meant to stay for a year and then move back to Dublin. Just before the move my mam was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer so I did not want to leave Dublin then. We were living with another couple for the first year but as she hated it we moved out to a one bed on our own. Financially this was tough. She still hated Dublin (she said she tried classes and to build a life but never went past 2 classes on anything). I work really long hours and due to a spinal issue need to go to the gym 4 times a week (she knew this before we moved over and said no problem). This means, Monday to Thursday tend to be a write off for me as I am not home until 9pm ish. We used to go on a weekend away or back to London every 6ish weeks and 2 big holidays a year too (I pay 70%).

We had amazing times in Dublin and amazing holidays but she always got upset with my work hours and always cried when another friend of hers got engaged or pregnant (the English seem to do this in mid/late 20s). This led to a lot of tension. She was bullied in work to and one day it all got to a head and she quit and flew home. She came back a week later and got a new job and was very happy in it. However, I had just been offered a new job in Europe (Dublin based but big promotion). My mam had just been announced stable (cannot be cured but held stable for a while) and said to take it and make a life for ourselves. My ex was originally so excited that we were going to live in another European city. We moved back to her parents in London and I commuted every week for 4 months living out of hotels and was wrecked. She came over to visit for 2 weeks and we got ourselves an apartment (paid for by my company bills included). So we can live rent free and no bills. After 7 days here we argued and she booked a flight back to London again and said she cannot live abroad again and needs to settle in London (cannot argue with that) but I called it off there and then.

She is 29, I am 31 and she said I am not committing and if we were engaged last year that she would have stayed. That it is such a compliment to me that she wants to marry me. She talked about so much over the last 3 years I did get dismissive of it. I was planning to get engaged on our big holiday this year. We had planned to buy a house in London towards the end of next year (easily done with current circumstances) but because we spent our savings on holidays before she says i'm a liar and that I cannot ask her to set up a life here and then again back in London in 2 years as she will unlikely get a job. We had also planned to start trying for a family then (I can see her point of view here!). That I did not realise she was suicidal in Dublin (I'm calling BS on that one as i don't think she really tried during the 2.5years).

I am very upset, cut off contact for the last few days too. In case you think long distance, due to timezone difference, by the time she finishes work if she were to fly out to me she wouldn't get here until 1am Saturday morning and back Sunday and buying a house after not living together for 2 years doesn't seem right.

She wants us to rent a 1 bedroom apartment in London but that is 1400 GBP min once bills are paid and will heavily eat into any house deposit over 2 years.

So I'm in a new city on my own (joined a few meetups) in what was meant to b our apartment a feeling like s**t. There is a lot my fault too but I cannot do 6 hours on a plane every week and as we do dates night once a week (would have to be Saturday), this means I would be eating out 7 nights a week for the next 2 years!! But I saw her as my future wife, partner and the person I wanted a family with. I did have doubt at times but now afraid of being lonely and never finding that person as will be 33 when back in London and too old (I know catastrophic thinking here) I will be moving back to London in 2 years anyway as that is where all my family and friends are so moving to London was never an issue in the medium term, was always the case.

Any advice appreciated.

Bandana boy

Hi
I would think about rewriting that , I could not follow it at all.

GingerLily

Bandana boy wrote: »

Hi
I would think about rewriting that , I could not follow it at all.

I also found it extremely hard to follow, hard to advise.

punisher5112

6 hours flight from Dublin????

If you love the girl tell her, if it's not meant to be it just might not work as stress and work seems to be the biggest thing.

Have you talked to her properly about all this.

wiggle16

Hi OP

In all honesty? Leave her to it. You'd be mad to keep this going.

Your mother is extremely ill. You don't need this pressure and BS added onto that.

You have moved back and forth between Ireland, Europe and the UK with this girl. Every time things don't go her way *POOF!* she goes running back to London. She doesn't need to be engaged to you to stop her from throwing strops and getting on planes out of the blue, as if either of those things are a cure for anything. It's called being decent.

She sounds very self-involved and a complete Mé Féiner, she has treated you very poorly especially considering your mother is so ill.

There is more to life than putting up with someone else's theatricals and BS - youre supposed to be happy for your friends when they get engaged/married/pregnant, not get upset. The other side of it is that she clearly doesn't find your lifestyle compatible with hers anyway - and she has no problem blaming you for that. She had issues with your hours but she knew what they would be when she moved over.

My advice is to forget about her and start afresh. Focus on your mam. To be blunt, do not waste time, you only have so much and with your mother so sick it is precious. Believe me, if you spend any more time on this girl and *her* wants, and less with your mother on account of her, you will never have a bigger regret.

Youre free now from this self-involved drama queen. It's not going to work. Keep it that way and focus on what's important.

Good luck OP

LegacyUser

It all comes across as a bit messy because of all the moving around, changing jobs, moving accommodation frequently, moving to different countries etc. The entire relationship sounds like you never had any period of stability at all and is a casualty of that instability rather than the fault of both of you as individuals. Sometimes love isn't enough if your lifestyles are not compatible. Time apart is probably what's needed to give yourselves both some breathing space at this stage.

Mr. Incognito

She sounds like an immature idiot.

Running home and blackmailing you every time you have a fight.

I would move on- plenty of decent level headed people out there.

PHG

Thanks for the replies first of all and apologies for the hap hazard post

@ Punisher - The flight is 3 hours each way so I fly Sunday night (get in at 1am to hotel) or Monday morning around 5.45am in the morning and back late Friday night

I have talked to her about all of this and that I had planned to propose this year. She said it was too late and should have committed at least a year ago with min of a promise ring! She says that she cannot start a career here for 2 years and go back to London and start again as we would be planning for a family and she could not get a job, then look for maternity. She wants her own cash (very fair point!). I countered saying I would start commuting in 18months time again and for her to come back 2 months early so as to get a job in London. She could start looking at houses as we would have the deposit sorted by then. She said it is too stressful for her at her stage of life and needs to settle now as that will help her get her head right. We had talked many times about starting a family in Jan 2021 so this was not new info.

@wiggle - I could not disagree with you on any point there. Lots of drama and no action. I have gotten very upset at times when asking her to try something else (she complained about putting on weight, we had a gym 5 min walk from our apartment and went 5 times in 9 months. When i tried to support her she said I am having a go. This led to annoyance on my part as it became a habit, something new then stop. To be fair in the end she made 3 very good friends and said she didn't want to leave Dublin.

@abc... - yes good point, sometimes love isn't enough

@Mr.Incognito - Hope so. feel at 31 nearly 32 that I won't have time to move back to London in 2 years, find "the one" have the experiences marriage and kids. i know its possible but all feels rushed,

Thanks,

PHG

punisher5112

In all honesty I think you should look for someone who actually cares for you.

It sounds like a total head melt and maybe a blessing in disguise.

I would run.

LuckyLloyd

PHG wrote: »

@Mr.Incognito - Hope so. feel at 31 nearly 32 that I won't have time to move back to London in 2 years, find "the one" have the experiences marriage and kids. i know its possible but all feels rushed,

Well, you're wrong on that. I know it's a feeling or opinion, but I can only tell you that time is very much on your side.

LegacyUser

PHG wrote: »

Thanks for the replies first of all and apologies for the hap hazard post

@ Punisher - The flight is 3 hours each way so I fly Sunday night (get in at 1am to hotel) or Monday morning around 5.45am in the morning and back late Friday night

I have talked to her about all of this and that I had planned to propose this year. She said it was too late and should have committed at least a year ago with min of a promise ring! She says that she cannot start a career here for 2 years and go back to London and start again as we would be planning for a family and she could not get a job, then look for maternity. She wants her own cash (very fair point!). I countered saying I would start commuting in 18months time again and for her to come back 2 months early so as to get a job in London. She could start looking at houses as we would have the deposit sorted by then. She said it is too stressful for her at her stage of life and needs to settle now as that will help her get her head right. We had talked many times about starting a family in Jan 2021 so this was not new info.

@wiggle - I could not disagree with you on any point there. Lots of drama and no action. I have gotten very upset at times when asking her to try something else (she complained about putting on weight, we had a gym 5 min walk from our apartment and went 5 times in 9 months. When i tried to support her she said I am having a go. This led to annoyance on my part as it became a habit, something new then stop. To be fair in the end she made 3 very good friends and said she didn't want to leave Dublin.

@abc... - yes good point, sometimes love isn't enough

@Mr.Incognito - Hope so. feel at 31 nearly 32 that I won't have time to move back to London in 2 years, find "the one" have the experiences marriage and kids. i know its possible but all feels rushed,

Thanks,

PHG

Have you thought about her confidence that everything will work itself out for Her with her lifeplan without you?

She's going to meet a partner, settle down, marry, have kids etc before When exactly?

I also think you could look at yourself, what do you want out of life? There's been a lot of moving about & change & even the pacing and energy of your posts is exhausting. Where would You like to live? Are you happy working all the hours you do? How much are you willing to compromise for your partner or mother?

You're at a bit of a crossroads OP and whatever you decide stick it out & don't doubt yourself.

ChrissieH

If you were to boil it down to the very basics, it kind of sounds as simple as "you are at different stages in your lives" - if she's eager to be married and have children pretty much right now, and you're building up your career with a view to getting married and having children in the next couple of years, then that's kind of the bottom line by the looks of it.
The arguing and strops etc are basically her way of communicating that she's not getting what she needs from this relationship, whereas you are probably feeling more fulfilled, and therefore are a bit baffled as to what the problem is?

That's my interpretation of it anyway.

It doesn't sound like she's happy to wait another couple of years for things to go her way, and although she's now faced with that wait anyway - assuming she'll now have to go and meet someone else and build up a relationship with them etc. - it might well be the case that she's genuinely finished with your relationship as, to be fair, you are from 2 different countries, you have been moving around a bit so she has no real guarantee that that will ever change and maybe she's just a real homebird who wants to be living close to her family and friends. (She might not have realised that until she was away from them)

I know it's easier said than done, but it really might be for the best to let this relationship go. It sounds like it's been a lot of effort and hard work on your part (with all the travelling and the financial input) and it just hasn't been enough for her because she's looking for the settled, family life right now. So what would be the point in getting back into another few years of long-distance and expense when it's clearly still not going to be what she wants right now.

wiggle16

PHG wrote: »

@ Punisher - The flight is 3 hours each way so I fly Sunday night (get in at 1am to hotel) or Monday morning around 5.45am in the morning and back late Friday night

I have talked to her about all of this and that I had planned to propose this year. She said it was too late and should have committed at least a year ago with min of a promise ring! She says that she cannot start a career here for 2 years and go back to London and start again as we would be planning for a family and she could not get a job, then look for maternity. She wants her own cash (very fair point!). I countered saying I would start commuting in 18months time again and for her to come back 2 months early so as to get a job in London. She could start looking at houses as we would have the deposit sorted by then. She said it is too stressful for her at her stage of life and needs to settle now as that will help her get her head right.

ChrissyH made a very good point about you both being at different stages in your lives in terms of what you want and I think the above speaks to that. She wants to be able to settle down and does not want to compromise. You don't feel any urgency to that. Your lives are going at difference paces, it's not workable and it's not sustainable.

Either way she sounds quite self-involved tbh and I couldn't put up with what you've described in terms of theatricals. Had I a partner like that they'd have been told where to go a long time ago ("promise ring" :rolleyes: ). That's just me, but with your mam so sick you dont have time for this carry on. You really don't.

She sounds like the kind of person who is never going to be happy no matter what you do. You're in the best position right now. Don't go back.

Keyzer

PHG wrote: »

I have talked to her about all of this and that I had planned to propose this year. She said it was too late and should have committed at least a year ago with min of a promise ring!
PHG

And for this reason, I'm out... and you should too.

You don't need this nonsense in your life. You're a scamp at 32 - go enjoy yourself.

ChrissieH

Keyzer wrote: »

You don't need this nonsense in your life. You're a scamp at 32 - go enjoy yourself.

:):)
LOL!! A scamp!

I actually do agree - I broke up with my ex at 31 and immediately met the man that I'm now married to. If I hadn't broken up with the ex at that point, who knows if I'd have met the bane love of my life

Big Bag of Chips

If she intends on spending the rest of her life with you why would it matter if you started last year or next? Does she work now? It sounds like she looks to you to be her provider. And if you're not going to do it (because you're too busy actually building a career and a future, like most adults should be) then she'll find someone who will.

From your posts I can only describe her as a headmelt who never grew up. You provide for her, or your job does, or her parents do. But never her, never standing on her own two feet. And whenever it gets a bit difficult she runs home again.

Leave her off. Find a woman who is capable of being your equal, your partner, your support. When the dust settles you'll feel a weight removed and wonder how you put up with the stress and aggravation for so long.

witchgirl26

OP honestly her reaction doesn't smack of someone who is almost 30 but rather someone who's still a teenager. Complaining when things don't go exactly her way and running back home anytime something happens she doesn't like. Nah you're better off without that.

As for the engagement - I knew from 3 months in that I'd marry my OH but I never pushed him on engagement or rings or anything because I knew he had to get there in his own time and when he'd do it, it would be because he wanted to, not because I pushed him into it. Not going to lie that at times I really wanted him to but I'm so glad I didn't let that little devil take over because realistically it meant so much more.

Other posters have been right in saying that you are probably both at different life stages, even just slightly, in that you want to enjoy life a little more before settling down and she wants to settle down now. That can work if both parties compromise and talk but it seems like it's her way or no way which to me kinda sets a red flag for the rest of the relationship. Take some time for yourself and as Big Bag of Chips said, find someone who is as willing to support you as you are them.

LolaJJ

Hey OP

Honestly, the post was difficult enough to follow but she sounds completely caught up with getting engaged and married.

It's weird that she hates being away from London but if ye were married or engaged that would change. It wouldn't change, just she would have manipulated you in to committing to her.

Anyone who feels that getting engaged or married is going to fix something is severely deluded.

This relationship sounds exhausting for both of you and I am sure that as time passes you will start to feel like you are carrying less of a burden.

But honestly it sounds like she has all her priorities mixed up. Not wanting to sound like a soppy romantic but despite distance or work or gym commitments when you meet the right person it just isn't this complicated

PHG

HI,

Thanks for all the replies again. Didn't expect so much. Been flat out and will try and reply to all.

@LuckyLloyd - Thanks for that comment made me smile

@quietadvice - Fair point. In trying to encourage her over the years I have asked her to get up and do more cause what would happen if I died. I do have a will sorted and she would have gotten an ok payout but I really meant for her self fulfillment and if there were kids in the future, who would provide and income. She brought that up saying she needs to sort that herself now and scared if I died. As for the settle down etc. she said it was her dream to be engaged before 30, house after and 2 kids by 32/33 latest.

As for myself, I want to live in London near my own family in 2 years time. I will be able to do week away and week on client site from then no problem. I don't mind the hours currently as the role is very challenging, fulfilling and the people are good at what they do and friendly.

The compromise between the exr and mother was different at different times. If my Mam wasn't unwell then my ex would be front and centre. I had stated that when my mam gets really bad I will work from home (Ireland) for as much as I can. My ex had no issue with this. There are times I did not compromise enough for the ex, due to tiredness, stress etc. and not doing random acts of kindness likes flowers from time to time (I did do my share of housework every week though). That said I try to make up for it with big holidays and trips away every 8 weeks for the weekend, which may include flying back to London, trip down the country etc.. We did nearly all of Ireland over the last 2 years for our adventures (highly recommend Lough Hyne Kayaking!!)

@ChrissieH - Thank you hit and you hit the nail on the head as to why I am baffled. You are right where I am likely more fulfilled with life and she wants her own fulfillment and is afraid not of getting it with all the travelling. She had said last year she wanted to try for kids now but I just was not ready and as she says I am changing the goal posts again. Where she sees that as instability (cannot argue with her there) I just see it as life happening as goal posts tend to move from time to time depending on what has changed in front of you.

@ keyzer - Thanks will use scamp at some stage!

@ Big bag of Chips - Her family have a history of very bad fertilty issues and not able to conceive. This has been pressured on to her by her family and it really gets to her. She and her sister are IVF babies so a very sensitive topic with her understandably. She really wants to know if she can conceive or not now.

@LolaJJ - She said if we were engaged and away it would show my commitment and though she would be unhappy here it would give her a reason to have stayed. But yes it shouldn't be this complicated

I understand that I may have made her sound quite self indulgement and full of drama but she is incredibly caring and loving at times. I just wish she saw the opportunites she has missed out on (and I cannot do anything to push that or try anymore, it would be wrong) but its that sick feeling from chest to stomach, lack of sleeping and eating. Its bloody awful.

I have said to her I wish her all the best and had great memories and really do hope she is happy in the future. She still wants to be friends and contact but I do not know if it is feasible.

Thanks

Keyzer

Not going to quote you, no need.

This will hurt like a kick in the gonads for a while but your better off with the decision you've made.

ChrissieH

Well OP, I'm not 100% clear but it sounds like it's up to you whether you want to keep the relationship going - I don't want to assume that your ex left in order to get a reaction from you, but it's possible that that's what happened, so I'm thinking it's possible that she doesn't want to break up with you but does want you to change your life in order to be with her. So from the way I've interpreted your story, I would think that it's your call.

I wonder if the fact that you did end the relationship means that deep down, you know it's the right thing to do?
It doesn't make it any less painful and heartbreaking but believe people when they say that time helps to heal that. It's sad, lonely and scary when you break up from someone that you love but it's not going to stay that way for ever and it absolutely teaches you SO much about what you want and don't want from relationships and makes you think about what you're willing to give to relationships.. it's tough but beneficial in the long-run. Not every relationship is meant to last a lifetime, lots of them are lovely, interesting learning curves.

Mr. Incognito

Taking here away every 8 weeks?

Here would you go away out of that.

You were basically her sugar daddy and she's throwing her toys out of the pram. Myself and the missus get away much more infrequently but its the little things. She makes me my tea in the morning before I wake up and it means more than any holiday we have ever taken.

If you find a decent human being you will be able to be yourself without all these nonsensical grand gestures.

PHG

Hi Everyone,

And thanks again

@ChrissieH - It had crossed my mind for a while whether to do it or not. Like I love her to bits but until she gets herself together and starts acting her age instead of 16 it would not work. We are at 2 different stages. She has gone home to sort her life out but tbh I think it is just running away as scared again and will be told everything will be fine by her family instead of sort yourself out. Yes she has said that she wants the relationship to continue and for me to travel all the time but no point. I am not paying for an apartment here and in London. I did say since I would be only there 8 nights a month that she pay for the other 22 and she lost the head saying all I think about is money.

We were so busy in Dublin we did not get quality time together due to both families coming and going. At least here nobody can easily get to us and we could have built a common network of friends and experiences. I flew over to her parents for the first year of the relationship so we never got much of the "honeymoon" period. I am biased but I think she would have been able to become more independent here then ever she will living at home again.

@Mr.Incognito - Every 8 weeks included paying or subsidisng for flights home too. Last year we flew back to London (before I started the new job) 4/5 times, Belfast, Galway (stayed with friends), Kerry. A week between 2 cities in Europe and North America for 2 weeks so pretty flat out. I did not pay for everything but split was 70/30 min. I understand what you mean about the cup of tea thing and she says that is where I didn't pull my wait with small gestures like that and flowers. I am not the most romantic and something I should work on in the future with my next partner.

That said today I booked a holiday on my own for 2 weeks to Asia in a solo group traveller thing so onwards and upwards !!!

lainey_d_123

People are being insanely harsh on the OP's girlfriend here. Look at it from her point of view.

He asks her to move over to Dublin temporarily. She does. He does not seem to consider going over to her, he asks her to come to him, and she agrees, with the proviso that they return to London after a year.
He then asks her to stay longer because his mam is ill. She agrees.
She is getting bullied at work and is very unhappy in Dublin and goes home. No word from OP on how he supported her emotionally during this time.
She agrees to return within a week. Sounds like she loves him a lot, to return somewhere she hates.
Her boyfriend is home very late every night and she feels lonely.
OP's mam's health improves so they can now move to London, three years later than planned.
Except instead of returning to London as he promised, OP now wants to move to another European city.
The girlfriend initially seems excited, then realises she just wants to go home to London.
OP responds to this by dumping her.

I can't get over how many people are calling the poor girl selfish. This is a woman who sounds like she's had a very tough time over the past four years. She's given up her entire life to be with OP and the commitment she asked for has not been made. I imagine she was very scared that after giving up so much for OP, he could easily turn around in a year or two and dump her, then she's in her thirties and having to start again, with nothing to show for all her sacrifice. Yes, OP's mam is sick, but what about his girlfriend and her needs? How do you know nobody in her family is sick? How do you know she's not depressed? How do you know she wasn't desperately missing her family for the 3 years she was with OP in a city she didn't really want to move to and didn't like?

I must have read a very different post to the rest of you because it sounds to me like OP is the more selfish one here. It seems like he expects her to give up everything to be where he wants to be. Yes, his mam is sick, but literally everything in his entire post has been him getting everything on his terms. What about HER needs? Why SHOULD she just follow him around Europe, with only his word that they'll get married and move back to London? He's already lied to her once regarding returning to London. He's already told her he'd propose and then not done it. It's easy for people on the outside to say she should be more patient, but look at it from her point of view. She's given up the last four years of her life to be with this guy and now that he's free to move away from Dublin, he STILL isn't going to London, as he promised all along.

I feel really sorry for her. She's put her own dreams on hold and essentially been strung along for 4 years and eventually dumped. OP's mam being sick does not give him a free pass to do this to someone. I see no empathy or understanding of her situation at all, just blaming her for not getting on better in Dublin, a city she only agreed to move to for a year. I find OP's post very 'me, me, me' and am very shocked at how many people are calling the girlfriend selfish. It sounds like she's given a lot and gotten very little back. What has he done for her? What has HE given up? I don't think an engagement is at all too much to hope for after a four-year relationship, especially when he's asking her to live away from her home for a further two years, with the personal and career disruption that entails. She's asking him to go back to London, which was what he initially promised her, and he doesn't want to go because it's expensive.

So at the end of the day, OP values saving money over his girlfriend. If he actually loved her, he'd move to London, where she clearly desperately wants to be, and save the relationship. Instead, he's sitting here worrying about himself and his age and whether HE will be able to have kids and feeling sorry for himself because he's alone in the city HE chose to move to.

And yous think the girlfriend is the me feiner here???

Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you'd feel.

lainey_d_123

LolaJJ wrote: »

Hey OP

Honestly, the post was difficult enough to follow but she sounds completely caught up with getting engaged and married.

It's weird that she hates being away from London but if ye were married or engaged that would change. It wouldn't change, just she would have manipulated you in to committing to her.

Anyone who feels that getting engaged or married is going to fix something is severely deluded.

This relationship sounds exhausting for both of you and I am sure that as time passes you will start to feel like you are carrying less of a burden.

But honestly it sounds like she has all her priorities mixed up. Not wanting to sound like a soppy romantic but despite distance or work or gym commitments when you meet the right person it just isn't this complicated

That's patronising. It's not that people think getting engaged will fix something, but there are loads of women (especially) who end up getting strung alone for years, sacrificing their own dreams and ambitions, and then get dumped at the end of it. OP was asking for an awful lot from someone he wasn't even prepared to fully commit to, IMO. Look at it from her point of view. I imagine her friends and family were missing her a lot, questioning why everything seemed to be in his terms, why he couldn't move to London, why she was following him around doing what he wanted to do without even the security of an engagement or a marriage.

Idle Passerby

She wants to live in London, get married and have kids. You dont live in London, haven't expressed an interest in marrying her and have no immediate plans to move there. She has family history of fertility problems so it's understandable she's worried about leaving it too late. You two living several hours away by plane isn't really conducive with starting a family. What else was realistically going to happen other than a break up? Sounds like it was inevitable to me.

It also sounds like breaking up was a good idea, the relationship sounded stressful and chaotic for both of you.

wiggle16

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

That's patronising. It's not that people think getting engaged will fix something, but there are loads of women (especially) who end up getting strung alone for years, sacrificing their own dreams and ambitions, and then get dumped at the end of it. OP was asking for an awful lot from someone he wasn't even prepared to fully commit to, IMO. Look at it from her point of view. I imagine her friends and family were missing her a lot, questioning why everything seemed to be in his terms, why he couldn't move to London, why she was following him around doing what he wanted to do without even the security of an engagement or a marriage.

The OP didn't ask anything of her. She was the one who wanted everything on her terms and stormed off to the UK every now and then when she didn't get her way.

She's the one who wants the promise ring, engagement, marriage, kids, settling down and happy families for good as soon as humanly possible. She's perfectly entitled to want all of that and find a partner who wants all of that too. But she and the OP are on completely different pages with where they are in life. This girl should have (and probably has) realised that. He didn't drag her kicking and screaming to Dublin and then Europe. How is it his fault if friends and family missed her? She's the one who left.

She gets upset when her friends get married, engaged or have babies, instead of being happy for them. She f#cked off to London whenever things didn't go her way. Doesn't sound to me like someone who is ready to have kids or get married, no matter how much she might want it.

None of the above makes her a bad person, by any stretch. But she is someone who wants to settle down ASAP and at the same time is extremely changeable and capricious and flighty - not a good combination, and the OP is well advised to move on.

lainey_d_123

wiggle16 wrote: »

The OP didn't ask anything of her. She was the one who wanted everything on her terms and stormed off to the UK every now and then when she didn't get her way.

She's the one who wants the promise ring, engagement, marriage, kids, settling down and happy families for good as soon as humanly possible. She's perfectly entitled to want all of that and find a partner who wants all of that too. But she and the OP are on completely different pages with where they are in life. This girl should have (and probably has) realised that. He didn't drag her kicking and screaming to Dublin and then Europe. How is it his fault if friends and family missed her? She's the one who left.

She gets upset when her friends get married, engaged or have babies, instead of being happy for them. She f#cked off to London whenever things didn't go her way. Doesn't sound to me like someone who is ready to have kids or get married, no matter how much she might want it.

None of the above makes her a bad person, by any stretch. But she is someone who wants to settle down ASAP and at the same time is extremely changeable and capricious and flighty - not a good combination, and the OP is well advised to move on.

He didn't ask anything of her? You have to be kidding me. The relationship started out long distance and he asked her to move to Dublin for a year, the deal being that they'd move to London after that. His girlfriend did so and ended up staying for a further THREE YEARS, despite not liking the city and having problems at work. You honestly think that's not asking anything of someone? To uproot their entire life to be where you want to be, and somewhere they're miserable, to boot?

It's amazing how everyone has just taken OP's side of the story as if it's gospel. A lot of talk of her 'running off home'. She went back to London twice in the entire four years, once for a few days when it sounded like she snapped after being bullied at work (no mention of how or even if OP supported her with that) and again when it became clear that OP was going to prioritise his work and his money over her. Sounds like the poor woman was desperate. Reading his post, there's no attempt by OP to empathise with her needs and issues at all. It's all framed as an inconvenience for him. This is a woman who has moved country to be with him and stuck by his side during his mam's illness, and now they have the all clear to be able to move away, he's STILL not going to London, as he promised. Now, on what planet is that not asking anything of her?

Why are people acting as if she's silly by wanting marriage and babies? She's given up half her twenties to be with a man who has yet to commit to her. She's nearly 30 and knows she might well have fertility problems and you think it's too much to ask that the man she's literally given up her life for (family and friends back home, probably career opportunities, her support network) should ask her to marry him? Seems she can't win. If she posted on here at 35 and childless, people would be asking why she left it so late and why did she let herself be strung along all that time.

I genuinely don't see where she wanted 'everything on her terms'. Seems that she asked for two things in exchange for spending four years living somewhere she hated - to move back to London when possible and to get engaged. She got neither. Meanwhile, OP got to be near his mam, stay in his job, have friends/support network around him all this time. Now that it's his turn to compromise, he's refusing to do it because it doesn't suit him. He's literally putting money ahead of his girlfriend's happiness and wellbeing and breaking his promise to her regarding moving back to her hometown. And you're surprised that she 'ran off home'? We're getting one side of the story here. I think it's a giant red flag that OP seems to brush all her very real problems and worries off as silly inconveniences - is that how he actually treats her in real life? It all feels very cold and clinical, all this talk of money and budgets. What about her feelings? It sounds like she's been quite depressed and isolated. I would imagine she feels quite desperate to 'run off' to London after four years of investing everything into this relationship.

Very surprised and disappointed at the lack of empathy here, honestly.

wiggle16

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

It's amazing how everyone has just taken OP's side of the story as if it's gospel.

Not amazing at all. We're not here to pick his story apart. Unless it's outlandish or fishy, there's no reason not to take his issue and his version of events at face value.

Sounds like the poor woman was desperate. Reading his post, there's no attempt by OP to empathise with her needs and issues at all.

An assumption based upon nothing. You don't know how either of them feel or felt. You can't.

She's given up half her twenties to be with a man who has yet to commit to her.

Oh BOO-HOO. Who hasn't??

What about her feelings? It sounds like she's been quite depressed and isolated. I would imagine she feels quite desperate to 'run off' to London after four years of investing everything into this relationship.

What about her feelings? So what? This is the OP's thread. Again, more assumptions.

1) you are making dozens of assumptions about how she feels and her state of mind, which you cannot possibly know. You have no idea what emotions she feels or felt, or if she was depressed and isolated.

2) the OP's ex has not martyred herself, she didn't "give up her life" for him - would you give it over. Moving abroad with someone is a choice you make, not the massive, selfless sacrifice you're making out. They're adults. He doesn't owe her anything.

3) if the OP's ex ever does come to Personal Issues and starts a thread about what happened, you can show her as much empathy and solidarity as you want. This thread is about the OP and his issue, not his exgirlfriend's feelings.

I don't want to do a back and forth with you any further because we are getting off topic. You empathise with the ex-girlfriend, that's fine. Others don't, and believe the OP is better off because she treated him poorly. But this is the OP's thread, not somewhere for him to be berated by people who think he was a bad boyfriend.

beauf

Relationships isn't working if it's that much hard work to maintain. I don't hear anything in this that's worth saving.

Ursus Horribilis

beauf wrote: »

Relationships isn't working if it's that much hard work to maintain. I don't hear anything in this that's worth saving.

Absolutely. Ultimately it doesn't matter who's more at fault here. They were together for 4 years and never managed to find an equilibrium in that time. Things would have had to change very dramatically for that to happen.

lainey_d_123

wiggle16 wrote: »

Not amazing at all. We're not here to pick his story apart. Unless it's outlandish or fishy, there's no reason not to take his issue and his version of events at face value.
An assumption based upon nothing. You don't know how either of them feel or felt. You can't.
Oh BOO-HOO. Who hasn't??
What about her feelings? So what? This is the OP's thread. Again, more assumptions.

Sorry, I thought this was an advice forum, not an echo chamber. He says he's devastated by the break-up. As a third party reading it, it seems like it was entirely instigated by him, and could be salvaged if he was actually interested in doing so. Some of the comments about the ex are really nasty and uncalled for.

1) you are making dozens of assumptions about how she feels and her state of mind, which you cannot possibly know. You have no idea what emotions she feels or felt, or if she was depressed and isolated.

He says himself she was bullied at work to the extent she went home because she couldn't take it anymore. She struggled to make friends and fit in. I don't think it takes a huge leap of logic to imagine how she felt.

2) the OP's ex has not martyred herself, she didn't "give up her life" for him - would you give it over. Moving abroad with someone is a choice you make, not the massive, selfless sacrifice you're making out. They're adults. He doesn't owe her anything.

And yet he's mentioned more than once the money he's spent on their trips abroad and so on, as if she's ungrateful. A lot of people seem to be good at only noticing what they put in and the sacrifices THEY make, while acting like the other person's efforts are nothing. She moved to Dublin purely for him, on the understanding it would be temporary. I get that his mam's health was a big factor here, but I don't think it's fair to say it was her choice. I imagine there was a lot of 'sunken cost' thinking going on - she didn't want to stay in Dublin, but she didn't want to throw away the relationship she'd invested in, which is totally understandable. And the not knowing how much longer it would be was surely very difficult as well. That's not a nice situation to be in, and you're being pretty callous about it here.

3) if the OP's ex ever does come to Personal Issues and starts a thread about what happened, you can show her as much empathy and solidarity as you want. This thread is about the OP and his issue, not his exgirlfriend's feelings.

I don't want to do a back and forth with you any further because we are getting off topic. You empathise with the ex-girlfriend, that's fine. Others don't, and believe the OP is better off because she treated him poorly. But this is the OP's thread, not somewhere for him to be berated by people who think he was a bad boyfriend.

I thought this was an advice forum, not a place for people to be told they're right and their ex is awful, but if that's the case, then sorry for ruining the party. I'm just pretty shocked by the OP's attitude to the whole thing, and that of other posters too. Tearing apart someone who spent four years in a relationship being promised something that never happened. I feel sorry for her, and if she does happen to read this thread, I hope she sees that at least one person isn't swallowing the idea that she's an awful person.

beauf

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

... it seems like it was entirely instigated by him, and could be salvaged if he was actually interested in doing so. Some of the comments about the ex are really nasty and uncalled for. ....

Sounds like hes mostly financing this, therefore is thinking of the long term financial planning. Which is basically work your ass of now, live somewhere cheap then have the means to fund a stable base in London in the future. That doesn't seem possible if he works less hours and rents (and works) in London. At least not starting off.

The alternative is just rent, and accept you can't buy a house for a long time if ever and have a different life/work balance. Because the only option available (and fall back position) is live in London. The partner is unable to live anywhere else.

lainey_d_123

beauf wrote: »

Sounds like hes mostly financing this, therefore is thinking of the long term financial planning. Which is basically work your ass of now, live somewhere cheap then have the means to fund a stable base in London in the future. That doesn't seem possible if he works less hours and rents (and works) in London. At least not starting off.

The alternative is just rent, and accept you can't buy a house for a long time if ever and have a different life/work balance. Because the only option available (and fall back position) is live in London. The partner is unable to live anywhere else.

Sure, but he hasn't just spent four years away from home. Yes, it is the logical thing to do, but the girlfriend might well be right in thinking she'd struggle to get a job upon returning to London. What about her career? Her needs? She could end up dependent on a man who hasn't made any kind of formal commitment to her. She just has his word that they're in this together, after he's already let her down on that end. She could spend two years with him in Europe at the cost of her own career, only for him to decide he doesn't want to go back to London after all, or dump her for someone else. It's baffling that nobody seems able to see this. Every single step of this relationship has been what suited OP best. When it came to honouring his part of the deal (moving to London), he unilaterally decided they weren't going to do that. And people are calling her selfish.

Ursus Horribilis

Does it really matter who's in the wrong now? They're broken up and when they were together, they couldn't make it work.

wiggle16

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Sorry, I thought this was an advice forum, not an echo chamber.
[...]
I thought this was an advice forum, not a place for people to be told their right

You say you thought this was an advice forum, but you haven't offered a single solitary bit of advice to the OP. All you've done is fought the corner of someone who presumably isn't reading this, berate him and say he cares more about money than his ex - that is very unfair.

As i've said, you have one opinion, others have theirs; this is not an echo chamber. The difference is that others have offered advice, you haven't. To say that the OP should not be believed as if his post is gospel isn't fair to him or helpful. You empathise with her, that's fine, but she's not his victim. She's a grown up and if she stayed in a relationship where she wasnt getting what she wanted and wasted her time, thats her own doing. He's not responsible for her. Theres a pair of them in it.

I suspect we would not differ on the main point, which is that they want different things and would be better off apart. I think she treated the OP poorly overall and sounds very selfcentred, and with his mother so ill he should be concentrating on that.

lainey_d_123

wiggle16 wrote: »

You say you thought this was an advice forum, but you haven't offered a single solitary bit of advice to the OP. All you've done is fought the corner of someone who presumably isn't reading this, berate him and say he cares more about money than his ex - that is very unfair.

As i've said, you have one opinion, others have theirs; this is not an echo chamber. The difference is that others have offered advice, you haven't. To say that the OP should not be believed as if his post is gospel isn't fair to him or helpful. You empathise with her, that's fine, but she's not his victim. She's a grown up and if she stayed in a relationship where she wasnt getting what she wanted and wasted her time, thats her own doing. He's not responsible for her. Theres a pair of them in it.

I suspect we would not differ on the main point, which is that they want different things and would be better off apart. I think she treated the OP poorly overall and sounds very selfcentred, and with his mother so ill he should be concentrating on that.

It's an alternative viewpoint. I didn't say she was his victim, I said he has wasted her time. It's easy now to say she should have left. Hindsight is 20/20. I imagine at the time, she was trying to be a supportive girlfriend, sacrificing present happiness for the sake of the future, only to find that when the moment came for her side of the deal to be honoured, OP once again decided to do what suited him better.

We'll have to agree to disagree, because I don't see how the girlfriend has objectively been self centred at all. I just see OP painting her as such by the way he's chosen to word things. Everyone is focused on his mam's health - yes, it is important, but EVERYONE has problems. The chances of the girlfriend having no personal or family problems or illness or deaths of her own over a four-year period are miniscule. Anytime OP talks about the girlfriend, it's as if she's just a prop in his life rather than a real person with her own needs, wants and problems. Not only is she expected to give up her whole home life to move to Dublin for three years longer than planned, she's also not allowed to be unhappy or complain or expect anything from OP? Just because his mam is sick, her entire life has to revolve around him AND she has to be totally happy about it, all the time? Give over.

Yes, I agree they're not suited, mostly because it doesn't seem like he acknowledges at all what she's sacrificed for him and dismisses her very reasonable concerns about fertility and engagement as her being childish and wanting them because everyone else has them. She's finally put her foot down and set boundaries regarding where they'll live and told him directly that she needs more commitment and his response was to dump her. OK. I think for next time around, he could do well to remember that his partner's needs and feelings matter, too.

PHG

Hi Lainey,

You make some fair points, and I will try an answer below.


Moving
Before I met her she was trying to escape London anyway. She was planning to move to Dublin in the near future so even if we had not met there was a high probability that she would have moved there

Career
She always said she didn't really want a career and more into a 9-5 where she can come and go as she pleases. She will admit that her job in London was not great. When she moved to Dublin I organised a career coach to help her get off the ground and help with a job. Yes she was bullied in work and she would be home in tears. I spent many a night consoling her and asking her to get a new job, but didn't until the storming off to London

Support
I always supported her to join new things, I know money but I even offered to pay for classes she wanted to go to and really pushed joining groups. She did and got real momentum for 5ish months then stopped as one of them went badly. We had an argument when she stormed to London. I flew over to help get her back. I had organise couples counselling for us and she wouldn't go.

When she was bad before I organised counselling, she went to one session said I was great then never went back as he Mam said make sure not to tell anyone about it. When we learned about the new city she said she would love to do a course in a particular field. Not once did she google it, I got all the information for her and contacted the company. She was delighted and excited about it but never followed through and if it was full time it was fine also.

You are correct in that I should have been more considerate but what could I do in Dublin with my mam that way? She has no sick relatives and sees them frequently. We had her friends fly out to s and we always flew back for weddings or parties.

As for her career, I talked to people in work and they said they know people in the fields she wants to get into and can help and was told that my work cannot control her like they control me. I try to help at every step (I am likely not communicating it right). I was planning to get engaged her and offered her the promise ring until the engagement (I told her it was likely this year).

We have texted and spoken over the last few days and it has gone horribly so its dead in the water.

beauf

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

.... he could do well to remember that his partner's needs and feelings matter, too.

It won't pay the bills.

You think they should move to somewhere (London) where they were struggling financially not because it makes sense but because shes doesn't want to be anywhere else.

Ursus Horribilis

Sometimes loving somebody isn't enough to keep a relationship going. Our OP and his ex aren't bad people but they're just too different to make this work. She sounds like somebody who needs a different type of boyfriend to who our OP appears to be. They also appear to have different outlooks on life and different values. They're like oil and water and are better off staying split.

LirW

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Sometimes loving somebody isn't enough to keep a relationship going. Our OP and his ex aren't bad people but they're just too different to make this work. She sounds like somebody who needs a different type of boyfriend to who our OP appears to be. They also appear to have different outlooks on life and different values. They're like oil and water and are better off staying split.

Wanted to say the same, there is no point in overanalyzing the last couple of years when it boils down to them looking for very different lifestyles.
The OP is striving for a career and has no problem moving around for it, working long hours and occupy a lot of his headspace with work. He needs a partner who is fine with all that, some aren't and your ex is certainly not, she would prefer someone who's more of a family man, commits a lot of his time to his children and wife.

Sometimes love can't hold together a relationship of 2 people that aim for very different goals. Take your time to heal from this and then reflect and learn from it, I bet you're coming out of it with a better idea of what you're looking for in a partner.

PHG

So thought would give an update.

Since the horrible phone argument last weekend I have made no initial contact. She rang me Monday but I was out for lunch with clients and couldnt take a call. I asked her was she ok and she said she was ringing for answers but to ignore it. I asked again and she said ignore so I have.

I find myself checking if she is online and had a few fb posts appear on my timeline from her which was tough. At times I find myself about to write Hi in a text but stop myself. And the lack of sleep and food at times is awful! I really look like crap atm and been told in work a few times.

On a positive note, I joined Meetup and been to 3 meets and met people from all over the world. I even bumped into a guy from primary school last week and met him last night for the rugby. Been out a good few times and now seem to have 3 friends here (which I would not have had if I was in the realtionship). Have also booked a 2 week holiday to Vietnam with a group of solo travellers. I purposely booked it during her birthday to force myself not to think about it. Back in the gym too!

Its not getting any easier but hopefully the sadness, loneliness and pain will gradually pass. I still miss and love her like crazy and still hope (I don't know why) that we can sort it out. Its the knowing we were so close to settling down together next year and having the house, wedding and kids, but nothing I can do now and cannot throw away the opportunity here. That said even if I went back its unlikely she would say yes.

Thanks,

PHG

PS On a side note I have booked some counselling sessions to help with this too. I have had it before and realised it won't do any harm

Mr. Incognito

Well done OP.

I have to say from your update it sounds like you were a good chap.

People need to help themselves and stand on their own two feet.

Lots of red flags for me there. Gestures are not flowers, they are small things. You were not doing small things. You were subsidising her lifestyle and her holidays and every time she had a problem she went running home to mammy who told her not to go to Counselling.

The break up seems to be handled in a similarly childish way.

The issues at work and not engaging with Counselling are pretty big red flags also.

In short you need someone who complements your life not complicates it. You seem to have been spending enormous time and resources into doing basic things for her that an adult in their 30s should be capable of resolving.

Date someone actually independent for 5 minutes and you will see the difference is night and day.

Keep positive and good luck with the trip.

My advice is to cut the social media cord for a few months. Delete your facebook or deactivate it for a while. Much better for the mental health all round. That way you are not checking her feed or running into dramatics if you block her for example.

Toots

Or if you don't want to delete your FB completely, mute her or block her so her stuff isn't popping up on your timeline. I'd be tempted to block her on all methods of contact, TBH. What do ye really have left to say to each other?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

You sound like you're handling it all pretty well OP.

One bit of pretty trivial advice: MAKE YOURSELF EAT. You're working long hours in a challenging job, you've been hopping around Europe for the past few years, you're hitting the gym and you have a big trip to Asia coming up, you have to eat or you'll end up ill.

I also go off my food when I'm going through emotionally difficult things and I speak from experience! It's related to the not sleeping too, of course part of that is emotional but it's also just physical, a hungry body has a harder time sleeping.

PHG

Hi,

So thought would do another update.

We stopped talking for 10 days and then contact was on and off but always ending in an argument. Every time we have talked she has said she has to deal with so much drama at home and unable to take it all in. Her Nan was rushed to hospital and she told me it was the beginning of the end. I asked will she leave hospital or go to a home and just ring if you need anything, she said she is beside her sitting on the couch at home (it was stress) but still high drama that she says she is dying!! She still claims to have been suicidal in Dublin but didn't need counselling as you can deal with those things internally. I took anger to this due to my previous issues and those I know close to me who have been there. We argued some more and she claims that she may not be safe here with Brexit, here is one of the most liberal places in the world and barely any crime. She also said once it came out i should have married her for to get an Irish Passport. Three of her grandparents are Irish!! I said why haven't you got it through them, and her response is I have been waiting for my sisters application to go through for the last year and see the process. When asked where is the application, she said in a drawer at home and her sister just hasn't had the time or money to do it. I offered to help and pay for it and she pay me back but no, she needs to see how her sisters goes first.

Last Sunday week she said she was getting nowhere job wise but I went back to London at the weekend and we met face to face. In a week she told me she is now inundated and so many offers to build her career. That she has a potential offer to start next week helping to build app software. This caught me off guard as she struggles with excel. I then asked how do you mean helping and thought you wanted to go back into media. I am not slagging off the job but she said she is going in as the secretary and they promised to help build her career in app development after doing at least one year as the secretary. Again, nothing wrong with the job, its just the same story and drama over and over again. I felt sad for her then as she falling for the same line from recruiters again!

She pushed for me to live in London, I said no and i pushed for her to move here and she said no as she said she is herself again here (I cannot argue with that). I said in 16months time we will both move back to London, have a 15% deposit for a house and enough to get married but she said not good enough. That we should rent in a 1 bed ONLY, I had suggested a flat share or live with her parents and pay them a subsidy but she said no. I told her we would have a house in London over 400k GBP, money for a wedding, Emergency fund and our life and future kids life would be secure. i also said i would pay for her flights back to London with me once a month. She said she would not get back in time for gigs on Friday night. The flight arrives in at 6.45pm!!! From June 2020 I would do one week here, one in London and work 2 days a week from home instead of the London office too. But I only get the following responses

- I sacrificed living in Dublin 2 years extra for you, now it is your turn
- I have one friend who does this travel on a train to Scotland each week and its 7 hours each way on a Sunday and Monday, why can't you do that
- I deserve to be happy and am someone who deserves to be loved etc.
- You earn so much money, it shouldn't matter to you the cost of the apartment
- Why can't you see life is too short and just live life, instead of thinking about all the other stuff and just go with the flow and enjoy life and we can rent and live
- I wont be mentally stable there, my future is here in London and need to be here to support myself and cant do it elsewhere

I have tried explaining that international experience and working in a job here looks better on the CV. That she would be likely to get a better job here in the area she wants (due to networks I have built up through meetups) and could push on again when we go back to London next year but she said no. She said she thought she would be married, own a house and be pregnant by now and will lose her family and friends if she moves to here. She has been out a lot having fun in London since the break up, but that's just the initial friends helping out. It will likely be rinse and repeat in a few weeks from a few years ago and she already saying staying at home is tough. I have had the same with my friends and family but that will decrease. She is sad cause nobody will go on holidays with her either. I told her we could still go to Sri Lanka and Vietnam over the next 2 years as planned and get the deposit and wedding but no again.

I now feel sorry for her that she cannot see more than 2 months ahead. I said, if you are that inundated, come out here and try it for 3 months, if you don't like it you can go home and still be inundated, but she said she will hate it here, she just know it and if we break up after 3 months she won't have money to buy herself stuff for her birthday.

I am no saint and looking back i did not give her enough attention. Her lack of drive was a big turn off for me and i really struggled with all the drama. It did put me off her a bit and that would have shown in how I interacted with her definitely. I did say no to doing little things too often too, maybe i had started to see the end of it and I told her how sorry i was for upsetting her and not showing that i may not have bothered ot cared enough. I do think now we would have fizzled out over a few years and best now with no kids or marriage but it still hurts both of us like crazy.

I have lost 4kg in weight and slept for more that 4 hours for the first time last night since the breakup. Meeting her at the weekend and seeing how childish she still is helped with closure. I don't even think I would swipe right for her on Tinder now. I have taken the advice above and deleted her and all her family from FB. My brother told me she has done the same and it is time now to try and move on. I don't mean to have a go at her, she is nice and caring and loving but too controlled by her family. The first night I met her Dad he told me "She likes a champagne lifestyle on a Coca Cola budget", and maybe this is true. I have had her cry to me that she can't afford All Saints clothes, the holidays she deserves etc. twice since I last posted. Nobody deserves that stuff, you got to earn it.

I need an independent woman and free thinker who can challenge me and vice versa. She still claims to be a strong independent woman but I cannot see that anywhere! I am going back to Ireland next week to see my parents as haven't been home in 5 months, then, a few trips to family in London, a stag on what was our anniversary in Scotland, a new friend from Latvia so a trip to Riga and maybe a trip to Moscow too. I will still buy an apartment on my own next year in London, that's the goal and it won't change. The budget will have to decrease a little but that is ok. I will by returning at 32 and buying in a few months later just after my 33rd birthday. I am proud that I have worked my ass off to get where I am but still scared that i don't have time to find that person and share those experiences with. Hopefully the constant sick feeling goes away soon too!

Thanks,

PHG

Ursus Horribilis

The more you tell us about this relationship, the more I think you have had a very lucky escape. I think you'll come to realise this in a more profound way once you start moving on from this. She sounds like a high maintenance headwreck who'll never be happy no matter what anybody does for her. It's all high drama and unrealistic expectations and expecting other people to hold her hand and do things for her. I hope you keep to your word and cut all contact permanently. You've clearly got a lot going for you and you'll be a great catch for some nice young lady out there.

LolaJJ

Hey OP

Thanks for the update. Honestly, it sounds a little bit as though she is just completely and utterly focused on her own needs and how to get what she wants. The common theme in all of your updates and detail is the compromising you have done to satisfy her. It does sound as though there is a portion of you that would like to figure out a way to make this work....which I think is born from your will to end the break-up pain that you're currently feeling, and possibly not actual logic which is sometimes difficult to apply to these situations.

I think it might help you to make a list of all the compromises and sacrifices you have made to date to keep the relationship going and also the sacrifices you would now be willing to make to get things back on track. Then make one from her point of view and see if it is fair. From what you have said to date, I have a feeling it might not be

Toots

I know you mentioned in your post that you've blocked her on Facebook, but I really think you need to fully cut contact with her. There's nothing left to say, and leaving her with an option to get in touch is not going to be good for you in the long run. I know her nan is very sick, and that is awful, but it's not your responsibility to support her through this. She has other family to do that.

Block her on you phone, on WhatsApp and on email. You can't move on if you leave the door open for her to contact you whenever she feels like starting a bit of drama.

ChrissieH

Hi PHG,

I agree with Toots in regard to not being in touch with her again, regardless of her grandmother's health - I don't want to sound callous, but you weren't married or living together / with her family for a significantly long period of time that the illness of an ex's grandmother should be a reason for keeping in contact; it could end up being a convenient excuse for her to get in touch when she feels lonely.

To be really blunt, she sounds like a bit of a spoofer - between the crap about the Irish passport and then the job, not to mention that she thinks it's realistic to be able to earn great money for holidays and fancy clothes but also just live in the moment and not plan for the future - there's no real intelligence or logic behind the things she talks about and by the sound of it, you are the polar opposite. I do understand that that might have been part of the appeal for both of you - a yin and yang situation can be great, but not when it comes down to fundamental life decisions, so I think this has been a fantastic learning opportunity for you; as you've said, you can now clearly see what type of person is the best match for you, and when you've recovered and grown from this heartbreak, you'll be even more sure of what you want for yourself.

wiggle16

PHG wrote: »

I am no saint and looking back i did not give her enough attention

Ah I doubt any amount of attention would be enough for this girl and I doubt anyone would be capable of providing the amount she requires.

When you originally posted, a few of us made the point that she sounds like someone who will never be happy with what she has or what you give - your update pretty much confirms all of that. I don't think she can see 5 mins ahead of her face, let alone 2 months. The passport application issue is just more BS, like the promise ring. Her saying she was secretly suicidal in Dublin sounds like spoofing too - sorry, but she doesn't exactly sound like the kind of person who makes a secret of her feelings. She's also clearly exaggerating about the grandmother, who is hanging on by a thread, clinging to life... on the sofa at home....

OP, she doesn't respect your feelings enough to be honest with you about any of the above things and will tell you any old crap to elicit sympathy from you. You need to remember that any time you feel sorry for her.

As others have said, you need to cut contact with her and her family entirely - it will stop you from getting over it and moving on, and it's also feeding her need for drama.

Please make sure you eat properly too. That's a fair bit of weight to lose over a short period of time when you are not trying to lose weight. As others have said, you sound like a really decent guy with your head screwed on, any girl will be lucky to have you.

Good luck and take care