Neice univited me to her Hen

fineso.mom · 04-08-2018 11:04AM

I think if OP shared the exact wording of the text from the niece telling her not to come, it would help to understand where she is coming from. Ive a feeling though that it was probably a reasonably worded text and the OP picked it up wrong , went into 'how dare she do this to me' mode , refused to attend the wedding, didnt contact her niece since,even during the pregnancy and then expects to be invited to see the baby.
I have a friend OP and I love her to bits but the amount of times she misintereprets the tone of texts ! She tends toward being a bit of a drama queen and is great at making mountains out of mole hills but......she knows this about herself and has trained herself to calm down, walk away,reread a text, ring / talk to the person and most importantly apologise if needed.

splinter65 · 04-08-2018 11:21AM

OP welcome to the modern toxic world of Irish family “events” where every birth death marriage engagement and “roundy” birthday and anniversary is an opportunity for the alpha females in the group to draw up lists of the chosen ones with the express desire that the “unchosen” ones will be made to feel as dog dirt under their strappy slingbacks.
The wedding and associated events is the gold medal event wherein the bride can get away with any appaling behavior towards other female family and friends for months before and even after based on some mythical “stress” that she has in actual fact visited entirely upon herself.
OP you’ve obviously dirtied your copy book in some way and must be punished by the sisterhood for ever more.
Just ignore and get on with your life safe in the knowledge that you won’t have to be in their company trying but failing to walk on eggshells every time you open your mouth.
Good luck.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 04-08-2018 11:23AM

I mean it is a wedding, it's not outside the bounds of possibility at all that the text was rude or not tactfully worded. Still not worth skipping the wedding, then missing out on the baby and everything.

04-08-2018 11:27AM

Sofia Shy Author wrote: »

I mean it is a wedding, it's not outside the bounds of possibility at all that the text was rude or not tactfully worded. Still not worth skipping the wedding, then missing out on the baby and everything.

I imagine the op was paraphrasing and possibly being hyperbolic. It could have been as polite as "I'm afraid everything is finalised already numbers wise, all the best" and she still wrote "oh they said they dont want me there"

Hannibal_Smith · 04-08-2018 11:32AM

splinter65 wrote: »

OP welcome to the modern toxic world of Irish family “events” where every birth death marriage engagement and “roundy” birthday and anniversary is an opportunity for the alpha females in the group to draw up lists of the chosen ones with the express desire that the “unchosen” ones will be made to feel as dog dirt under their strappy slingbacks.
The wedding and associated events is the gold medal event wherein the bride can get away with any appaling behavior towards other female family and friends for months before and even after based on some mythical “stress” that she has in actual fact visited entirely upon herself.
OP you’ve obviously dirtied your copy book in some way and must be punished by the sisterhood for ever more.
Just ignore and get on with your life safe in the knowledge that you won’t have to be in their company trying but failing to walk on eggshells every time you open your mouth.
Good luck.

She was invited to the hens and the wedding.

Mrcaramelchoc · 04-08-2018 11:36AM

Eleven pages in and the op hasn't bothered her arse responding to anything here.says a lot to be honest.

Paddy Cow · 04-08-2018 11:37AM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

...... You were both close, almost like sisters.......

I don't think they were. I think it's something the op keeps telling herself, almost like a mantra, to make herself believe that she is not the one in the wrong. Like how she keeps repeating that she gave three months notice about changing her mind, so it should have been ok, despite everyone else telling her most hens are organised months in advance and you can't just presume to invite/re-invite yourself.

Op if you were very close with your niece, none of this would have happened. When people are very close, they tend to speak in person all the time and I would imagine the situation with your niece would've gone something like this - conversation in person:

Niece - I'm having my hen on x weekend. Can you make it? We'll have so much fun!
Aunt - It's ok for you young ones, I'll be the oldest there.
Niece - don't worry, the other oldies are coming!
Aunt - oh phew. Can't wait. I'll only make it one night though.
Niece - no problem.

We have no idea how you received and turned down the initial invite. Did you have a one on one conversation with your niece about your concerns? How you handled this would have an impact on how she felt about you re-inviting yourself. You didn't run it by your niece and tried to contact the bridesmaids first. You contacted her to get their phone numbers. That comes across as presumptuous, rather than trying to not stress her.

Whatever happened over the hen is irrelevant at this stage. People can't make hens for whatever reason all the time and to be honest, no one remembers or cares 18 months later. Deliberately snubbing the wedding as a punishment is an extreme over reaction and something that paints you in a very bad light to everyone and will always be remembered. You have no right to expect an apology at this stage and your niece is certainly under no obligation to invite you to any of her future engagements.

I understand that it stings being the only person not invited to a family function but you really need to understand that it is your own actions that have put you in this situation. Only you can try and undo the damage by apologising. If you don't, be prepared to only have your stubborn pride to keep you company every time there's a get together you're not invited to.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 04-08-2018 11:40AM

splinter65 wrote: »

OP welcome to the modern toxic world of Irish family “events” where every birth death marriage engagement and “roundy” birthday and anniversary is an opportunity for the alpha females in the group to draw up lists of the chosen ones with the express desire that the “unchosen” ones will be made to feel as dog dirt under their strappy slingbacks.
The wedding and associated events is the gold medal event wherein the bride can get away with any appaling behavior towards other female family and friends for months before and even after based on some mythical “stress” that she has in actual fact visited entirely upon herself.
OP you’ve obviously dirtied your copy book in some way and must be punished by the sisterhood for ever more.
Just ignore and get on with your life safe in the knowledge that you won’t have to be in their company trying but failing to walk on eggshells every time you open your mouth.
Good luck.

Lol, let me guess, most of your friends are men because women are too much drama :pac:

Did you read the thread before feeling the need to get your own issues off your chest? It's very much not what's going on here.

The_Honeybadger · 04-08-2018 11:41AM

OP your family sounds like my wife’s family. There is never a year goes by without a major drama like this or a daft falling out for some ridiculous reason. They are like a pack of children, thankfully my wife stays clear of it for the most part as we live a good bit away but I have still seen this kind of thing way too often.

I suspect there is more to the story than you have divulged in the OP but the hen and wedding are done now, forget about it and don’t bring it up with anybody in the family again, nobody wants to hear it and they’ll start avoiding you if you keep on about it. Ideally you should apologise to your niece too as it seems to me that you are completely in the wrong.

Send on a gift for the baby and if you get an opportunity let your niece know that you’d love to see the child. What kind of relationship do you have with your sibling, I.e. her mum / dad? Perhaps they could help mend some bridges, but by not attending the wedding you really have made the whole thing very awkward for everyone.

Hannibal_Smith · 04-08-2018 11:44AM

Paddy Cow wrote: »

I don't think they were. I think it's something the op keeps telling herself, almost like a mantra, to make herself believe that she is not the one in the wrong.

Im just going on the OPs description of their relationship.

splinter65 · 04-08-2018 12:06PM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

She was invited to the hens and the wedding.

She was and at some stage she didn’t want to go or was unable to go to the hen. Was it to be so difficult to reinvite her? It’s a bloody weekend away not a meeting of MI5!
Yes maybe she is difficult and inclined to find offense where none was intended, but she is now without doubt being singled out for the silent treatment. She’s being isolated and punished. Life is very short.
Why do we never hear of these ongoing feuds between male family members?

elbyrneo · 04-08-2018 12:11PM

splinter65 wrote: »

She was and at some stage she didn’t want to go or was unable to go to the hen. Was it to be so difficult to reinvite her? It’s a bloody weekend away not a meeting of MI5!
Yes maybe she is difficult and inclined to find offense where none was intended, but she is now without doubt being singled out for the silent treatment. She’s being isolated and punished. Life is very short.
Why do we never hear of these ongoing feuds between male family members?

She's being isolated? She chose not to go to the wedding. She didnt visit the baby.

She seems to be a big ball of self centred drama..look at her post history.

splinter65 · 04-08-2018 12:16PM

Sofia Shy Author wrote: »

Lol, let me guess, most of your friends are men because women are too much drama :pac:

Did you read the thread before feeling the need to get your own issues off your chest? It's very much not what's going on here.

No the few friends I have are women and yes I read the thread and I’m always disappointed when I read the general theme to be “ now op you know you broke the rules of the sisterhood so just sit back now and take your medicine I mean what do you expect, a bit of kindness?”

GingerLily · 04-08-2018 12:22PM

splinter65 wrote: »

She was and at some stage she didn’t want to go or was unable to go to the hen. Was it to be so difficult to reinvite her? It’s a bloody weekend away not a meeting of MI5!
Yes maybe she is difficult and inclined to find offense where none was intended, but she is now without doubt being singled out for the silent treatment. She’s being isolated and punished. Life is very short.
Why do we never hear of these ongoing feuds between male family members?

She isolated herself by not attending the wedding. That's a big deal and way more significant then a hen or a babies party.

dudara · 04-08-2018 12:49PM

Mrcaramelchoc wrote: »

Eleven pages in and the op hasn't bothered her arse responding to anything here.says a lot to be honest.

@Mrcaramelchoc - There’s zero need for this sort of smart comment. The OP is never ever under any obligation to come back and update us in PI/RI. If you can’t post helpfully, then don’t post

@splinter65 - leave the generalisations out of this. Talk of “alpha females” and “strappy sandals” does not help. Offer real direct advice please.

dudara

iamwhoiam · 04-08-2018 12:49PM

splinter65 wrote: »

No the few friends I have are women and yes I read the thread and I’m always disappointed when I read the general theme to be “ now op you know you broke the rules of the sisterhood so just sit back now and take your medicine I mean what do you expect, a bit of kindness?”

Read the thread again because you have it all wrong in my opinion .

Paddy Cow · 04-08-2018 12:55PM

splinter65 wrote: »

No the few friends I have are women and yes I read the thread and I’m always disappointed when I read the general theme to be “ now op you know you broke the rules of the sisterhood so just sit back now and take your medicine I mean what do you expect, a bit of kindness?”

It's passive aggressive attitudes like this that allow people to wallow in their self-created messes. The op caused this situation. It's up to the op to fix it.

Hannibal_Smith · 04-08-2018 01:16PM

splinter65 wrote: »

She was and at some stage she didn’t want to go or was unable to go to the hen. Was it to be so difficult to reinvite her? It’s a bloody weekend away not a meeting of MI5!

Maybe the bride was annoyed by the initial snub. The bride caused no issue here.

But don't think we're allowed discuss it.

iamwhoiam · 04-08-2018 01:26PM

My advice OP would be that you are biting off your own nose to spite your face . You are part of the family warts and all and you don't want to be left out of any more events . So dust yourself down and send a present for the baby and a nice note to your niece . Hold out the olive branch , swallow your pride and tell her that you are sorry if you hurt her and would love to pop in when she has time . Then tell her you made a mistake in refusing to go to the hens the first time and it had a knock on affect on all subsequent invites . For this you are sorry .
Unless there is a lot more than we know the whole saga began with you turning down her invite the first time
Of course we just might be looking at two drama queens here and you are both being over sensitive

splinter65 · 04-08-2018 01:27PM

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Read the thread again because you have it all wrong in my opinion .

Probably I have. Just want to cut her some slack I suppose.

Big Bag of Chips · 04-08-2018 01:49PM

I think this could all have been avoided with better communication. The obvious thing to do at the start is talk to other members of your family to see who is going. If you were invited, it's fair to assume that other "older" members of the family were invited. I have been invited to hen parties of cousins, and the first thing I do is ring my sister to see if she's going!

I do think even with all the planning, it would have been possible to add an extra one in. I have organised hen parties, and it is a pain in the arse trying to organise different things, money, accommodation etc. But it can be done and people, with a bit of hassle, can be added/removed.

I think if you were told, 3 months before, that you couldn't go because it was all organised, then there is more to it than either you realise yourself, or that you're admitting here.

Not going to the wedding because of it was childish.

If you want a relationship with your niece, approach her. Ring her, talk to her. Communication gets lost and people stay hurt, unnecessarily, for longer than they should.

lulu1 · 05-08-2018 12:27AM

This same thing happened to me this year with my niece also I knew the hen was coming up but didn't know who was going. it was only when my sister in law mentioned in passing that we would go to the hotel early and wouldn't bother the night club that we both realised that i wasn't invited. I have to admit I was hurt but said nothing. I warned my sister in laws to say nothing as they wanted to mention it to my niece.

We went to the wedding and had a great day op its only a hen party so what my god there are bigger problem's in life

tedpan · 05-08-2018 12:43AM

elbyrneo wrote:

"i before e except after c".

elbyrneo wrote:

Sorry, it's been bugging me.

Not always!

Neighbour, weird, weigh, either, leisure etc.

I'm guessing the spelling of neighbour is where the OP's issue with niece is coming from..?

nikkibikki · 05-08-2018 08:06AM

lulu1 wrote:

This same thing happened to me this year with my niece also I knew the hen was coming up but didn't know who was going. it was only when my sister in law mentioned in passing that we would go to the hotel early and wouldn't bother the night club that we both realised that i wasn't invited. I have to admit I was hurt but said nothing. I warned my sister in laws to say nothing as they wanted to mention it to my niece.

Not the same thing at all, you weren't invited in the first place. OP was but didn't want to go until she realised her sisters in law were going. I'd imagine her niece felt the invite was thrown back in her face. The OP wasn't interested in going purely to join in the nieces big night.

You, Lulu, handled it like an adult. Yes you were hurt, naturally, who wouldn't be.

When I was getting married, I had a kind of mini hen for my aunt's, mother, mother in law. It was just a meal out in local hotel in our home town. I don't think I would've enjoyed my hen if they had come so this, hopefully, kept everyone happy.

Milly33 · 05-08-2018 08:31PM

Your starting thread is a little confusing, you were going because the sister in laws were going and then you weren't because they were going? Sorry to say it but it kinda seems like you are the culprit here, and if you want to mend things you need to contact your niece and make amends, if not then well tis your own doing

fishy_fishy · 05-08-2018 09:56PM

Please don't contact your niece until you've accepted and genuinely believe that this whole situation is entirely of your making. A passive aggressive "apology" to "be the bigger person" whilst also still believing you did nothing wrong will only rub salt in the wounds. Tbh you've probably irreparably damaged your relationship with her.

And this is entirely your fault.

1. You pestered her with wedding advice she didn't ask for.
2. You snubbed her hen
3. When you heard who was going, you wanted back in (message to your niece: you alone weren't important enough for me to go.)
4. You created a drama that was stressful for the bridesmaids about being included in the hen that you declined (it was stressful to them. Their reaction says that. You don't get to decide what someone else finds stressful)
5. You refused to go to your niece's WEDDING to spite her over a poxy hen night to which YOU DECLINED THE INVITE.
6. You've sat stewing, waiting on her to apologise and explain herself to you.

You caused this. If she snapped in a text it's because of you adding pressure to her. You are to blame and if I was your niece I would never forgive you for making my wedding all about you and your hurt feelings that you brought on yourself. I'd be completely done with you.

If you want a relationship with your niece, you have to really accept that you have royally screwed up and deeply hurt her. You have to apologise and mean it. You can't mean it without actually admitting to yourself that you were in the wrong.

If you can manage that, THEN apologise and send the gift for the baby.

But you were wrong, OP. Completely. Everything you did was the wrong way to handle the situation.

doylerkelly · 06-08-2018 02:20PM

I think you are all been very harsh towards OP, did she not say she was originally invited?

mindlet wrote: »

I was originally invited but changed mind 3.months beforehand as i found out some of my sistersinlaw were going..

Whether or not she was invited, i'm sure it was very hurtful to be left out especially it been family. If I wasn't invited to something id be very hurt. I understand that it is up to the hen who goes to her hens. If I was having a hens and had an aunt that nobody liked, i'd still bring her I wouldn't leave anyone out unless she was an aggressive person and known to cause trouble then that would be a different story.

OP, do you get on with your niece or did you's have a fallout before, there must be a reason she didn't want you there?

bee06 · 06-08-2018 02:24PM

doylerkelly wrote: »

I think you are all been very harsh towards OP, did she not say she was originally invited?

She edited her post later to include that.

rainbowtrout · 06-08-2018 02:26PM

doylerkelly wrote: »

Whether or not she was invited, i'm sure it was very hurtful to be left out especially it been family. If I wasn't invited to something id be very hurt. I understand that it is up to the hen who goes to her hens. If I was having a hens and had an aunt that nobody liked, i'd still bring her I wouldn't leave anyone out unless she was an aggressive person and known to cause trouble then that would be a different story.

But she was invited and turned the invite down. She only changed her mind when she heard some of her sisters in law were going. Niece might have been hurt that she, the hen, wasn't a good enough reason to go on the hen. And if the OP changed her mind a few months after the initial invite, what was stopping her picking up the phone the meantime to ask the sisters in law if they were going before she made her decision?

Why would you bring a person on your hen that nobody liked? Why bring that misery upon yourself? If I'm having a private party (which is what a hen is) why would I invite anyone that I don't like, and give myself a load of grief for the evening?

OP came on here expecting everyone to have a load of sympathy for her and tell her that the niece is a wagon. She got the direct opposite, that's why she hasn't been back. The truth can be a bitter pill to swallow.

Wildly Boaring · 06-08-2018 06:30PM

A hens?

Hen
Hen party
Hen night
Hens?

The OP just seems to love a bit of drama.
Niece happy out with her ignoring her I reckon

Neice univited me to her Hen

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