Neice univited me to her Hen

mindlet · 03-08-2018 12:44PM

Penn wrote: »

Sorry mindlet, but there's a difference between "doing absolutely nothing wrong" and simply "not intending to do anything wrong". You were invited to the hen, and you've outlined how close you were to your niece. You chose not to go for fair enough reasons (though if you were worried about not wanting to be the only older one there, you could have checked with your sisters in law if they had been invited, or checked with the bridesmaids before saying yes or no). She did want you at the hen. Hence the original invite.

Then when you found out they were going and decided you'd go for one night, that throws a spanner in the works even regardless of whether it's three days or three months out. Events were likely planned, deposits paid (split between the number of people who said they were going), travel and accommodation booked etc. Saying you then would go, for one of the nights (I'm guessing it was a multi-day hen), but you'd get your own accommodation etc... it just hugely confuses things, makes things awkward, and yes, can be the sort of thing to stress a bride out even when she's not organising it (as the bridesmaids were likely telling her and checking things with her).

Then you claim that you were always close with your niece, but didn't want to go to the wedding because you were only being invited for the sake of it and because all aunties etc were being invited, and you know where you're not wanted. Except you were wanted. You were originally invited to the hen, but you chose not to go (regardless of trying to then get back into it). You were invited to the wedding, regardless of whether it was all aunties or just a select few doesn't matter, you were invited and you chose not to go because of what happened with the hen party. Your niece didn't cut you off, you cut yourself off.

Now with the baby, you're still on the outside looking in. You took not being able to get back into the hen party as a huge slight, causing you to not go to your niece's wedding. Which do you think is worse; you not being allowed to go to the hen party because plans and bookings had already been made after you turned down the invitation, or you not going to your niece's own wedding day because of that? You may feel it's the former, but as most of the people here seem to agree, it's the latter.

If you want things to be right with your niece, you're going to have to make the move. As others have said, buy a present, write a letter apologising, and send it to her. She may, or may not accept your apology. But by not going to her wedding, you've turned a small disagreement into something much larger. If you want a relationship with your niece, you need to apologise for it and not expect an apology back for what happened with the hen. Apologise and let the argument be over.

Thanks, but the hen was 3 months away so adding one person would not have been an issue and I actually was trying to make it easier by booking my own hotel. Adding another person to an activity and dinner should not have been an issue. The bridesmaids were organising hen or atleast supposed to be and she didn't know any details but dates and it was in Ireland. The issue was clearly by January she didn't want to give me her friends number. I never went to her originally re. Hen. I didn't go to wedding as I was still very hurt. I am sending baby gift and card but no way am I apologising as I did nothing wrong. I never texted her with insults or was ever bitchy. I am the better person but just feel if she wants to make amends inviting my parents and all my family to meet and not me or my husband hurts. That's not how I roll.

GingerLily · 03-08-2018 12:47PM

mindlet wrote: »

Thanks, but the hen was 3 months away so adding one person would not have been an issue and I actually was trying to make it easier by booking my own hotel. Adding another person to an activity and dinner should not have been an issue. The bridesmaids were organising hen or atleast supposed to be and she didn't know any details but dates and it was in Ireland. The issue was clearly by January she didn't want to give me her friends number. I never went to her originally re. Hen. I didn't go to wedding as I was still very hurt. I am sending baby gift and card but no way am I apologising as I did nothing wrong. I never texted her with insults or was ever bitchy. I am the better person but just feel if she wants to make amends inviting my parents and all my family to meet and not me or my husband hurts. That's not how I roll.

Your argument is that her bridesmaids treated you badly - the bride didn't, so yes you are wrong!

03-08-2018 12:48PM

mindlet wrote: »

Thanks, but the hen was 3 months away so adding one person would not have been an issue

It's not up to you to decide what's an issue for someone else's event

mindlet · 03-08-2018 12:48PM

iamwhoiam wrote: »

She did , you refused

I decided shortly after 3 months before if it was ok to go and emailed bridesmaids and received no response.

TheChizler · 03-08-2018 12:49PM

mindlet wrote: »

I am the better person but just feel if she wants to make amends inviting my parents and all my family to meet and not me or my husband hurts. That's not how I roll.

Does feeling like the better person while harbouring a grudge and excluding someone you used to be close with from your life really feel that great?

What's that saying, holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

This is upsetting you, you wouldn't have started the thread otherwise, why not swallow your pride and make contact and apologise, even if you feel like you've done nothing wrong? You'll feel better for it.

Neyite · 03-08-2018 12:50PM

Be honest.

You chose not to go to the wedding to make a point. You wanted to make her wedding all about your absence and hoped that your absence would affect her day.

That was after making her hen all about you as well.

She probably didn't want you causing ructions at the party for the baby by demanding the apologies that you still feel you deserve and making that all about you as well.

You have to decide what you want more - an apology from her or to be part of the family again. If it's latter, then you need to acknowledge that you were out of order, and apologise for your actions. If it's the former, you may be waiting a while longer...

cstaff · 03-08-2018 12:51PM

You keep saying that you are the bigger person here but you really aren't - you were invited to the hen and turned it down. You then refused to go to the wedding as you felt hard done by and now you are wondering why she is not inviting you to meet her new baby with all the other aunts and uncles. You really need to take a closer look at yourself and your carry on. You also dont think that you need to apologise - this poor girl has definitely done nothing wrong and you need to apologise if you want to continue to have a relationship with her.

Calhoun · 03-08-2018 12:52PM

mindlet wrote: »

Thanks, but the hen was 3 months away so adding one person would not have been an issue and I actually was trying to make it easier by booking my own hotel. Adding another person to an activity and dinner should not have been an issue. The bridesmaids were organising hen or atleast supposed to be and she didn't know any details but dates and it was in Ireland. The issue was clearly by January she didn't want to give me her friends number. I never went to her originally re. Hen. I didn't go to wedding as I was still very hurt. I am sending baby gift and card but no way am I apologising as I did nothing wrong. I never texted her with insults or was ever bitchy. I am the better person but just feel if she wants to make amends inviting my parents and all my family to meet and not me or my husband hurts. That's not how I roll.

Don't take this the wrong way but if this is how you acted over this, I would say it's a safe bet that you are known in the family to cause a bit of trouble.

I would not be surprised if your making amends has little impact as you don't really want to. Your after an apology from your niece and to save face.

Also the statement above on inviting your parents is ridiculous, as they are her grandparents.

Wildly Boaring · 03-08-2018 12:52PM

mindlet wrote: »

Thanks. ......I am the better person but just feel if she wants to make amends inviting my parents and all my family to meet and not me or my husband hurts. That's not how I roll.

If you don't apologise and still expect her to you don't understand the phrase "better person".

"that's not how I roll" ugh
Perhaps you could change how you eh roll and be the bigger person

dudara · 03-08-2018 12:53PM

Sorry, stating that you are “the better person” sounds sanctimonious or high-horsed. It’s a sign that you’re being intransigent, not willing to change to fix things. It’s not getting you anywhere, it’s not improving this situation (whwatever caused it).

I really suggest that you make an effort to contact your niece and re-establish your relationship. Being bitter will only fester

jen70 · 03-08-2018 12:54PM

you could have been the bigger person if you went to the wedding, but you didnt. I would say your niece was very upset her aunt didnt go to her wedding over something that was so trivial - you really made a mountain out of a molehill!

if it was me, i would have said oh well i shouldn't have declined the invite in the first place - the bride did nothing wrong

allym · 03-08-2018 12:55PM

OP you did do something wrong, you didn’t turn up to her wedding.

Hens are not a big deal, it’s a bit of craic and a day out. Weddings are, to a lot of people, the biggest day of their lives. I’m sure she was deeply hurt that you didn’t go over something as silly as a hen, which she wasn’t even organising.

Penn · 03-08-2018 12:57PM

mindlet wrote: »

I am sending baby gift and card but no way am I apologising as I did nothing wrong. I never texted her with insults or was ever bitchy. I am the better person but just feel if she wants to make amends inviting my parents and all my family to meet and not me or my husband hurts. That's not how I roll.

But she had no issues with your parents and the rest of your family, so of course she'd invite them to a get-together following the birth of her child. She didn't invite you or your husband because you didn't go to her wedding because you said no to going to her hen, then tried to get back in (whether it should or shouldn't have been difficult to arrange isn't the issue. You were invited and said no, then tried to change it, then didn't go to her actual wedding day over something so trivial, so the claim you did nothing wrong, is wrong).

Again, if you want to repair the relationship with your niece, a present and card isn't going to cut it. You need to, at the very least, offer an apology for your part in what happened (and you did have a part to play in what happened), and be willing to not get an apology or explanation in return. If you want to repair the relationship, all you can do is make things right on your own end. If you niece wants the same, the ball will be in her court in how she chooses to respond. You have no control over that, only yourself.

lawred2 · 03-08-2018 01:06PM

Calhoun wrote: »

Don't take this the wrong way but if this is how you acted over this, I would say it's a safe bet that you are known in the family to cause a bit of trouble.

I would not be surprised if your making amends has little impact as you don't really want to. Your after an apology from your niece and to save face.

Also the statement above on inviting your parents is ridiculous, as they are her grandparents.

I think that may have laid bare the existence of a centre of the universe complex...

woodchuck · 03-08-2018 01:08PM

Thanks, but the hen was 3 months away so adding one person would not have been an issue and I actually was trying to make it easier by booking my own hotel. Adding another person to an activity and dinner should not have been an issue. The bridesmaids were organising hen or atleast supposed to be and she didn't know any details but dates and it was in Ireland.

OP just because you think it's not an issue, doesn't mean it's not an issue for the organisers. They're not just dealing with one person, they're dealing with dozens. If they tried to accommodate you, they'd have to accommodation everyone who changes their mind on various things! "Actually I won't stay overnight afterall" "I'll just do the meal, but not the activity" "Can I share a room with Helen instead, Sheila snores" etc etc etc. The bridesmaids need to be able to put their foot down. If everything was already organised (which it sounds like it was), it is an issue for the organisers - whether you think it is or not.

In the grand scheme of things, it's just a hen. For your own sake, you really need to let this go. You've already missed her wedding and the birth of her first child. What else do you want to miss out on? Will you sleep any better in 20 years time knowing you were the "bigger person" by posting a card and present, but having missed out on their lives completely because you never got an apology/explanation for something as insignificant as a hen party?

lawred2 · 03-08-2018 01:09PM

dudara wrote: »

Sorry, stating that you are “the better person” sounds sanctimonious or high-horsed. It’s a sign that you’re being intransigent, not willing to change to fix things. It’s not getting you anywhere, it’s not improving this situation (whwatever caused it).

I really suggest that you make an effort to contact your niece and re-establish your relationship. Being bitter will only fester

It's also rarely uttered by someone who is actually acting or behaving like a 'better person'..

OP - you need to open your eyes and try stepping out of your own shoes for a minute. A truly 'better person' would go to great lengths to see this issue from all perspectives - not just their own.

This will sound mean but you've comes across a wee bit self important and entitled if I'm honest.

Neyite · 03-08-2018 01:12PM

Genuine question OP:

What do you think your niece (and your sister, the mother of the bride) might have been feeling when you made it known you wouldn't attend the wedding?

Big Bag of Chips · 03-08-2018 01:58PM

When organising a hen party numbers are usually decided on pretty quickly. Then the cost is added up and divided between everyone so that everyone pays and covers the cost of the bride too. Even 3 months ahead these costs would have been given to each of the attendees. They may have all paid a deposit to secure their place on the hen and then the bridesmaids knew where they stood and who owed what from that point. Adding an extra person in would have skewed all the figures. Even if you said you'd pay for yourself then you'd be going on the hen, where everyone else would be covering the cost of the bride, and you'd be only paying for yourself, and complicating issues by being a martyr staying in a different hotel etc.

You were invited. You declined. You then, mistakenly, believed it would be easy to just slot yourself in. When it wasn't possible, or the bridesmaids didn't want the hassle of reshuffling figures/rooms etc, you then decided to not go to the wedding. I hope you at least RSVP'd that you weren't going, rather than just not show up.

Whether or not you believe you were 100% right and she was 100% wrong, being "the bigger person" usually involves letting something go and making the first step to make amends. This usually means an apology. A sincere one for causing the other person upset. That's being the bigger person.

Being the bigger person isn't holding a grudge for a year and half.

Have you spoken to your niece at all since all this happened?

Scarinae · 03-08-2018 02:06PM

Hen parties have evolved a lot over the years - it used to just be a night out before the wedding, now they're often multi-day events with various activities. Organising a large group of people (who the bridesmaids may not know personally) can be a headache with finding a date that suits as many people as possible; keeping track of who is and isn't coming; sorting out accommodation, travel, food, drink and activities; getting people's dietary requirements; getting deposits; getting final balances; possibly preparing a present/photo book for the bride; and all this while trying to keep it as stress free as possible for the bride. It doesn't sound unreasonable to me that they may have settled the plans three months before the hen party itself - for my sister's hen, we sorted it all out in October for the following March. You tried to reinsert yourself after this point, and were told that it was all already organised - I understand why that would be disappointing, but your reaction was completely over the top.

I'm also interested to know whether you declined the invitation to the wedding, or just didn't turn up on the day.

rainbowtrout · 03-08-2018 02:09PM

mindlet wrote: »

She was only inviting me to wedding as it was expected. I don't go to events where I know I'm not wanted..........

Tell me how you would feel when all your family are invited to a gettogether and you aren't.

So she was only inviting you to the wedding because 'it was expected'. Not because she wanted to? Doesn't sound like someone you are really close to.

And like everyone else has pointed out, you were invited to the hen, you declined. Big difference between that and not being invited at all.

mindlet wrote: »

It was 3 months before the hen so ofcourse they could have added me.

According to you they could have invited you, it was no hassle. It may have been huge hassle for the bridesmaids. The world doesn't revolve around you.

mindlet wrote: »

I never did anything to hurt her even offered her lots of new stuff for her wedding i never used. I knew she was stressed and I always messaged her with tips and told her I would help in anyway in wedding prep.

This sounds like you are awfully interfering, I'm sure she was well able to organise her own wedding and would have asked for help if she wanted it. Also if you were able to message her and annoy her about her wedding plans, why did you need to get her number from somebody else? You are either in contact with her or you're not.

mindlet wrote: »

So it was a kick in the teeth to be told she didn't want me there

She didn't tell you that, she just didn't reissue the invite to the hen, when you decided it suited you. Maybe she was sick of you interfering in her wedding and telling her what to do.

mindlet wrote: »

It was actually three months before hen.It wasn't last minute.

Most hens I've ever been on have been booked and finalised months in advance, mainly so numbers are known, bookings can be made and money paid.

mindlet wrote: »

In no way have I behaved badly. I did absolutely nothing wrong. If I'm not wanted at hen and told I was stressing her directly by her on text when all i did was look for her friends phone number.

Until you cop on and start taking reponsibility for your actions this situation won't be resolved and you will be excluded from any family get togethers your niece organises. A lot of people in Ireland pussy foot around being direct and telling people things they won't like and don't want to hear. If your niece got to the point where she told you that you were stressing her out, then you probably were. I can understand why she wouldn't want you at her hen causing trouble. You then went on 'to show her' by not attending her wedding, which probably just proved to the niece that you are hard work.

mindlet wrote: »

As I said i have present and card and will send. I am a better person but still hurts to not know why she didn't want me at hen. We were very close and even spent time together over seas.

You're not that close if you don't have her phone number.

mindlet wrote: »

True. I will be the better person and will send card and present and maybe some day she might explain her reasoning for omitting me from her hen. I am ready to talk.

She owes you no explanation. You owe her an apology.

mindlet wrote: »

Thanks, but the hen was 3 months away so adding one person would not have been an issue and I actually was trying to make it easier by booking my own hotel. Adding another person to an activity and dinner should not have been an issue...............................

..........I am sending baby gift and card but no way am I apologising as I did nothing wrong. I never texted her with insults or was ever bitchy. I am the better person but just feel if she wants to make amends inviting my parents and all my family to meet and not me or my husband hurts. That's not how I roll.

Honestly OP, there are few threads on this forum where everyone agrees. You sound like a nightmare. You are in the wrong, and should suck it up and apologise. If you are not willing to do that, then stay out of your niece's life, I'm sure she doesn't need the stress with a new baby.

pc7 · 03-08-2018 02:20PM

TheChizler wrote: »

What's that saying, holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

If I could thank this 1000000 times I would, reread it again OP, reread the advice given again and again in this post. From only reading your side you really seem to have it in your head you are the victim. But honestly you come across as a drama lama.

Suck it up, ring your niece, say you are sorry for how things unfolded, congratulate her on the baby and say you've a little gift and would love to see them both.

Life is just too short and precious for this soft of carry on and self absorption to be honest.

nikkibikki · 03-08-2018 02:27PM

rainbowtrout wrote:

You're not that close if you don't have her phone number.

She was contacting the bride to get the number for the bridesmaid.

Rainbow Trout has some great points OP. If you were always sending her tips etc, I guess that got on her nerves massively.

OP, try and look at this from your nieces point of view, using nothing more than the words you used. Don't assume she wasn't hurt by your actions. Try consider a scenario like the one below, without getting defensive. None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. What makes us "the bigger person" is facing up to those mistakes and fixing things.

Niece: Hen is on X weekend in Y place. I would love it if you could attend.

OP: Oh I dunno niece. Might be nobody my age there. I will give it a miss.

(Niece could easily be a bit hurt that OP won't go. It looks as if she won't go on her special night just because she may be one of the oldest there.)

A few days/weeks later....

OP: Oh I've heard that sis-in-law is going to hen. I'm coming now too. I'll organise my own accommodation and I have a lift organised too.

Niece now feels like you wouldn't go when it was just a special night for her but you are happy to go now because your sister in law is going. She doesn't feel like her hen night is important enough to you.

Benildus · 03-08-2018 03:03PM

This looks like it could turn into one of those West of Ireland family feuds we read about regularly.....

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 03-08-2018 03:53PM

I understand that you're upset right now, but if how you're speaking here is an accurate reflection of your general demeanour then I can see how this has developed. You use language in a very self-dramatising way, and to put a definite slant on things, and you're very defensive when people don't see it the same way.

Your niece didn't uninvite you to anything. She invited you to her hen and to her wedding, and you refused both invitations. You changed your mind about the hen, but unfortunately couldn't be accommodated. Everything's a stab through the heart for you and you're not two faced, and you'll be the better person and you have cataracts...can you imagine how your niece feels?

Can you recall some interpersonal (family, work, whatever) conflicts where on reflection you've been the person mostly or wholly at fault, or have you always been the injured party? You don't have to answer here, just something to think about. If you can't think of times where you've been wrong, then you need to work on admitting when you're wrong, and this is a golden opportunity, tbh.

seamus · 03-08-2018 05:06PM

^^
As the lady above says

One thing that stuck out to me was the apparent comment to you, that contacting the bride by text was stressing her.

This is not something that rational people say out of the blue. You don't get accused of causing stress just because you texted someone.

What a lot of us are dancing around is that it's pretty clear that there's a history here OP. Rational people don't give you grief for changing your mind, once. Or sending a text, once. There is no way you went from chummy-chummy-bestest-buddies to "stop stressing me out", just because you declined the invite to her hen.

Curiously absent in this thread is any discussion of interaction with your niece's parents - i.e. your sibling. And apparently all discussion goes through *your* parents, of whom this is none of their business.

My spidey-sense tells me that you're going to reveal some previous issue with your sibling. Where no doubt, you were not at fault. And your parents have been refereeing this issue for years.

I don't like being harsh, but you've received enough advice here to know what to do. If you refuse to accept it at this stage, then it can only mean there is way more going on here than you're willing to discuss.

Bear18 · 03-08-2018 10:45PM

OP I don't know you of course but to me it sounds like you are playing the victim here, you declined an invite and you decided 3 months before to change your mind when everything more than likely has been booked and planned well in advance. You can't pick and choose these things even if it's you just going for one night. If you are close to her it shouldn't have mattered in the first place if people your age would be attending the hens, she wanted you there to celebrate with her but you chose not to.

Have you tried to reach out to her while she was pregnant? If not I can see why you haven't been invited to meet the new baby, you have practically isolated yourself by declining to go the hens and then declining the invitation to the wedding.

From what I have gathered your niece owes you nothing. Reach out and offer her support but don't expect anything in return. If you want to be the bigger person move on and forget about the hens.

LegacyUser · 04-08-2018 12:58AM

OP - go take a read of other threads on the Personal Issues forum, it’s important that you see for yourself that this is not a sub forum where everyone is out to get the OP. It’s important that you see that by and large there is good, fair and impartial advice on the PI.

Then ask yourself why several posters are unanimously disagreeing with your interpretation of this situation, ask yourself why they’re pretty much all telling you you’re in the wrong her?

The people here aren’t out to get you. Why would they be? They don’t even know you? The moderators of this forum in particular would be very quick to stamp it out.

I think you need to do some serious reflection here. No offence, but your posts here do not paint you in the best light. Sometimes it’s better to be humble, be wrong, lose and move forward than it is to dig your heels in, be “right”, “win” and stand still.

Sometimes in order to win, you first have to concede defeat.

Cash_Q · 04-08-2018 08:33AM

Neyite wrote:

What do you think your niece (and your sister, the mother of the bride) might have been feeling when you made it known you wouldn't attend the wedding?

Scarinae wrote:

I'm also interested to know whether you declined the invitation to the wedding, or just didn't turn up on the day.

OP I also wonder, did you actually decline the invite so they knew you wouldn't be there? Or did you just not show up on the day? Did you send a wedding card/good wishes on the day?

I have an aunt who couldn't make it to my wedding, and she sent a lovely text declining the invite and gave us a lovely card, and we would not be close at all but it meant a lot to me. She also text me a few days after the wedding telling me how she'd heard from my granny and other aunts and uncles all about the day and which elements of the day she was really impressed by. As I said I'm not close to her but she's my dad's sister and it was so nice of her to acknowledge how important our wedding was to us.

If you just blanked your niece at the time of her wedding, failed to congratulate her or express any excitement or good wishes, then why on earth would she be chasing you up to meet her child?

Hannibal_Smith · 04-08-2018 09:23AM

Is it possible she felt the same as you? You were both close, almost like sisters. You get an invite to her hens and turn it down? If you stop there. She was probably hurt. You turned down the invitation. To her maybe it looked like the group going weren't good enough to hold your interest?

Then when you hear others are going you decide you want to go.

Its a bit cheeky to think you can turn down an invite and then decide you want to go after all.

That said, she shouldn't have been so nasty in the text. The bridesmaids are probably hearing her side of it and were caught in the middle not knowing what to do. So when you texted the niece, she put it to bed. It sounds like you genuinely hurt her feelings by not going.

I think a conversation needed to be had before the wedding to sort it out. But not going to her wedding must have been a kick in the gut to her. This is why you were not invited to any other of her family events, I would think.

Pride only gets you so far and sooner or later it catches up with itself.

Do you want to repair relations with your niece? If so, make the first move and try reconnect with her. If she turns you down, at least you tried. I think saving face with situations like this ends up making things worse.

elbyrneo · 04-08-2018 09:30AM

OP may have uninvited herself from this thread.

Neice univited me to her Hen

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