Neice univited me to her Hen

mindlet

In January last year. I decided to go to my neices Hen as I found out some of my other sister in laws were going and I was offered a lift.I was originally invited but changed mind 3.months beforehand as i found out some of my sistersinlaw were going. I contacted the bride's maids via email and Facebook and they both ignored my emails,so I asked my mother what should I do and she said to text neice and ask for bride's maid's contact number. So it sounded like sound advice so I texted neice and I received a very upsetting text back telling me not to go to Hen that it was all organised. The Hen was not intil April and I was only going one night. After this I decided that there was little point in going to the wedding so I didn't. I wasn't going to be two faced. Now just over a year after the wedding she gave birth and organised a family gathering to see her new child and I wasn't invited. Another stab through my heart. I always love my family but this hurts like hell. I still have not received an apology and probably never will. Not sure what to do. Advice needed.

Zaph

Moved from D15

P_1

OP this is going to sound harsh but the best thing to do is get on with your life. Your niece isn't obligated to invite you things just because you're related.

strandroad

mindlet wrote: »

I decided to go to my neices Hen

That's not how it works? You need to be invited...

Peatys

Why are you so concerned with what your niece is doing?
Not going to a hen night is no reason not to go to a wedding. There were hundreds at the wedding that weren't at the hen.

Scraggs

This is one of those "cutting off your nose to spite your face" scenarios. Your niece was probably put out that you kicked up a fuss over the hen by trying to invite yourself and then didn't even turn up to the wedding! If you feel you are actually missing her and not just missing out on news/gossip/drama you should get in touch congratulate her on the birth and try to build bridges.
This whole situation sounds like miscommunication/unnecessary drama so you need to decide if you want to be a bitter person about it or whether to try and resolve it.

zapper55

My aunts on my mam's side are really lovely but would hate a hen so I probably wouldn't invite them. It would be absolutely no reflection of my relationship with them. I'd imagine the bridesmaids were horrified to receive a request for you to attend, it's only be invite only. Sounds like your sister didn't have the guts to say it mightnt be your thing and gave you the bm details instead. It just made things more awkward.

You not attending the wedding would have been a huge slap in the face to her (assuming you got on grand before this).

Honestly my advice would be that you should be the one making an apology, not expecting to receive one. Apologise for your complete overreaction and for not being at the wedding. That you miss her and would love to see her. If possible you'd love to see the baby too but of course that's completely up to her.

The reason I say that is that it comes across as if you didn't care about the lack of contact with her until you didn't get to see the baby. I'd be gracious and apologetic and see what happens. Admit your embarrassment. I hope this thread makes you realise that you should be mortified for how you acted.

LegacyUser

You can’t be uninvited if you weren’t invited in the first place. You can’t invite yourself, no offence but that’s a strange thing to have done, it’s just not your place to do so.

Chances are, your neice found that course of action very strange and presumptuous on your part and therein lies the source of this estrangement, maybe the key to this is you offering her an apology for inviting yourself along to her hen?

Pa8301

I have no experience of how Hens work but with Stags you need to be actually invited. They're not something you can just decide to rock up at. I presume Hens are probably similar.

iamwhoiam

Your niece didn't uninvite to her Hens , you were not invited in the first place . I think you might owe her an apology actually .

alan partridge aha

It's all organised you're not wanted ffs horrible

Pa8301

alan partridge aha wrote: »

It's all organised you're not wanted ffs horrible

I can understand where the Niece is coming from. You don't just invite yourself to a Hen. And then cause extra stress to the bride and groom(who were probably under enough stress as it was trying to orgainise the wedding) with the drama of refusing to go to the wedding.

alan partridge aha

Pa8301 wrote: »

I can understand where the Niece is coming from. You don't just invite yourself to a Hen. And then cause extra stress to the bride and groom(who were probably under enough stress as it was trying to orgainise the wedding) with the drama of refusing to go to the wedding.

No don't agree if other similar age women are going and the niece was on ok terms with aunt it's no biggy to bring her along.

Try_harder

It annoys me when when people invite themselves to things!

NinetyTwoTeam

It doesn't sound like she invited you, so how did she uninvite you?

Sounds like she didn't want you to go, so didn't invite you, then you tried to force your way in, and she had to figure out how to make clear what should have been clear already.

I had a relative do something similar, actually flew over to an overseas wedding that she was deliberately not invited to, and had to be told to stay the hell away. No one in the family likes her, but she's oblivious to it.

alan partridge aha

alan partridge aha wrote: »

No don't agree if other similar age women are going and the niece was on ok terms with aunt it's no biggy to bring her along.

But that isn't her decision to make.

We don't know the relative ages and we don't know who else exactly was going.

dudara

@alan partridge aha - I have deleted one of your posts as it was uncivil and did not offer helpful, constructive advice to the OP.

I strongly advise you to read the forum charter before posting again

dudara

rainbowtrout

You weren't invited OP for whatever reason and you tried to force your way in. Hens are invite only. You made it awkward for your niece, and then decided to cut your nose off to spite your face by not attending the wedding. This is all on you and you probably owe your niece an apology.

Wellyd

mindlet wrote: »

In January last year. I decided to go to my neices Hen as I found out some of my other sister in laws were going and I was offered a lift. I contacted the bride's maids via email and Facebook and they both ignored my emails,so I asked my mother what should I do and she said to text neice and ask for bride's maid's contact number. So it sounded like sound advice so I texted neice and I received a very upsetting text back telling me not to go to Hen that it was all organised. The Hen was not intil April and I was only going one night. After this I decided that there was little point in going to the wedding so I didn't. I wasn't going to be two faced. Now just over a year after the wedding she gave birth and organised a family gathering to see her new child and I wasn't invited. Another stab through my heart. I always love my family but this hurts like hell. I still have not received an apology and probably never will. Not sure what to do. Advice needed.

Sorry OP but you weren’t actually invited to the hen, so it’s impossible to be uninvited to something you were never invited to in the first place. Hen parties are invite only from my experience. Don’t expect an apology because you won’t get one.

lulu1

OP Forget about hen's and wedding's. There is a new baby to celebrate, buy a present for the baby and even you weren't invited to the get together send it with someone or just ring your niece when things cool down a bit and say you would love to come and see the baby

smelly sock

mindlet wrote: »

In January last year. I decided to go to my neices Hen as I found out some of my other sister in laws were going and I was offered a lift. I contacted the bride's maids via email and Facebook and they both ignored my emails,so I asked my mother what should I do and she said to text neice and ask for bride's maid's contact number. So it sounded like sound advice so I texted neice and I received a very upsetting text back telling me not to go to Hen that it was all organised. The Hen was not intil April and I was only going one night. After this I decided that there was little point in going to the wedding so I didn't. I wasn't going to be two faced. Now just over a year after the wedding she gave birth and organised a family gathering to see her new child and I wasn't invited. Another stab through my heart. I always love my family but this hurts like hell. I still have not received an apology and probably never will. Not sure what to do. Advice needed.

Forget about her. Shes a <SNIP>. And your family are sh1theads for letting it happen. What did her mother/father say?

Two sides to every story though i suppose.

LegacyUser

Hens aren’t for all female wedding guests and family members it’d be for a small close circle. And you certainly can’t invite yourself to one. You say sisters in law went, do you mean the bride’s mam and her sisters. Are you an aunt by marriage?

Cash_Q

alan partridge aha wrote:

No don't agree if other similar age women are going and the niece was on ok terms with aunt it's no biggy to bring her along.

It's not a 'bring along' occasion like an open invitation. Hen parties are invite only, and being of a similar age has nothing to do with it. Maybe the bride has a different relationship with other aunts of a similar age, doesn't mean she should have to invite this aunt along. As others have said, there would have been a tonne of other women at the wedding who weren't at the hen. It's usually reserved for your nearest and dearest.

OP did you congratulate her when the baby was born? If not it's a bit rich expecting to be included in the get together for the baby.

Like others I agree that you should have gone to the wedding regardless.

Send her a text congratulating her on baby's arrival and go from there.

dudara

@smelly sock - watch the language. You should be able to make a point without abusive insults.

dudara

lunamoon

I think the OP needs to confirm whether she was invited or not. It looks like she just presumed she was invited and if that's the case then she really has no reason to be annoyed at the niece.

LegacyUser

OP you need to confirm wither you were actually invited to the hen or not? Was it a case of being invited and saying no because you thought it would be all young people but then you heard some of your sister in laws were going and changed your mind or was it a case that you weren't invited and just decided to go anyway? Where was the hen taking place? Had they rented somewhere with a set attendance number?

Regardless of the details of the hen not going to the wedding over the whole thing was super childish. Not surprised they aren't including you in other family events now if thats how you carry on when you don't get your way.

woodchuck

OP it's not clear whether or not you were actually invited to the hen? Even if you weren't, I can understand that it would hurt to be told not to come after expressing an interest. However hen parties are invite only. Maybe see could have been more sensitive about it, but it was a bit extreme not going to the wedding because of it. She has probably picked up on this hostility, which is why she hasn't invited you to any events since.

It sounds like there is blame on both sides here. If you want to be involved in her life again, you should extend an olive branch yourself.

elbyrneo

OP - you can't just look at this indicent in isolation. Is the attitude you displayed after not being invited to the Hen (inviting yourself, not going to the wedding, missing out on baby etc) a behaviour or attitude you have displayed in the past?

Ask yourself- are you demanding, hard work, or self centred? Ask yourself if that's why you weren't invited to the Hen in the first place? Would you have brought fun and lightness to the Hen?

We only see the facts as you laid out in your post, but it's not painting a pretty picture, so maybe you need to take a long hard look at why you think you weren't invited, and judge yourself first.

Then consider approaching your niece with humility.

smelly sock

When you showed an interest in going to the hen she should hsve facilitated you.

She escalated this. Not you.

alan partridge aha

elbyrneo wrote: »

OP - you can't just look at this indicent in isolation. Is the attitude you displayed after not being invited to the Hen (inviting yourself, not going to the wedding, missing out on baby etc) a behaviour or attitude you have displayed in the past?

Ask yourself- are you demanding, hard work, or self centred? Ask yourself if that's why you weren't invited to the Hen in the first place? Would you have brought fun and lightness to the Hen?

We only see the facts as you laid out in your post, but it's not painting a pretty picture, so maybe you need to take a long hard look at why you think you weren't invited, and judge yourself first.

Then consider approaching your niece with humility.

After you ask all these questions and if the answer is no then avoid your niece.

iamwhoiam

smelly sock wrote: »

When you showed an interest in going to the hen she should hsve facilitated you.

She escalated this. Not you.

Sorry but why should she ? Should she facilitate anyone then who expresses an interest ? A HENS is a private party for those the bride wishes to invite .

elbyrneo

smelly sock wrote: »

When you showed an interest in going to the hen she should hsve facilitated you.

She escalated this. Not you.

Yes because up to the point of her niece not inviting her, time had not begun, history had not started, and everything was right in the world.

Or, perhaps, there was a reason the niece did not invite the OP?

Impressive how you can be so sure from the single OP post that the niece was in the wrong.

bee06

smelly sock wrote: »

When you showed an interest in going to the hen she should hsve facilitated you.

That’s not the way things work. People decide who they want to go to their hen, wedding, birthday party or whatever and that’s it. Anyone not invited should have enough cop on to accept it.

GingerLily

smelly sock wrote: »

When you showed an interest in going to the hen she should hsve facilitated you.

She escalated this. Not you.

Its not a 5 year old birthday party, you don't have to invite everyone.

It's meant to be an intimate party for the bride to be, perfectly understandable that she doesn't invite everyone.

woodchuck

bee06 wrote: »

That’s not the way things work. People decide who they want to go to their hen, wedding, birthday party or whatever and that’s it. Anyone not invited should have enough cop on to accept it.

I agree. However, it doesn't sound like the OP was familiar with the modern etiquette surrounding hen parties. I think it's perfectly forgivable that she would express an interest? She said:

I received a very upsetting text back telling me not to go to Hen that it was all organised.

Surely her niece could've been a bit more sensitive, explaining the situation a bit better?

This is going purely on what the OP has said of course. We have no idea what their relationship was like up to that point.

bee06

woodchuck wrote: »

Surely her niece could've been a bit more sensitive, explaining the situation a bit better?

This is going purely on what the OP has said of course. We have no idea what their relationship was like up to that point.

Playing devils advocate, just because the OP found the text upsetting doesn’t mean it was the intention to upset.

Without further clarification from the OP all we can do is speculate.

OP, just to pick up on one point you made though. You said the hen was in April and you text in January and were only going for one night implying you were in loads of time and it should be no big deal. I had my hen in April and everything was organised in January. People have lives, need notice, there’s money to be saved and collected etc. These things don’t just happen in a couple of weeks. Every hen I’ve gone to has been organised months in advance.

smelly sock

Nieces text " Auntie dont come to my hen. You're not invited".

Lovely.

Neyite

I'm afraid you caused this.

You (incorrectly) heard through the grapevine other aunts were going to the Hen, invited yourself and got offended when you were told you were not included - to the point where you snubbed the wedding and the entire pregnancy and the birth of your new grand-niece/nephew.

However, they seem happy enough to let you off to flounce in indignation - have you been involved in previous arguments or family dramas?

It's clear they aren't going to come grovelling back to apologise to you like you hoped. What would you like to happen now? Do you want to be included in future family gatherings? If so, you need to apologise to them, acknowledge that you were in the wrong, and mean it.

Idle Passerby

smelly sock wrote: »

Nieces text " Auntie dont come to my hen. You're not invited".

Lovely.

It wasn't the niece that texted her, it was the bridesmaid.

There's an astonishing amount of planning that goes into a hen party. Its not easy to coordinate a group of people for several pre-planned activities especially when hotels, restaurants, activity providers are all asking "what are the final numbers and when will I get paid?" People dithering about whether or not they'll go is a huge headache, never mind people inviting themselves along.

We don't know how the BM worded her text, it may have been reasonable it may have been rude, the OP doesn't quote what she said. I wouldn't see it as unreasonable for the BM to say something like "Sorry you aren't on the list of people the bride wanted invited"

Edit: I see her emails to the briesmaid's were ignored so the text was from the niece. Either way, it appears the OP was never actually invited and then sent repeated messages asking to be included which seems fairly pushy.

strandroad

smelly sock wrote: »

Nieces text " Auntie dont come to my hen. You're not invited".

Lovely.

There is no requirement to include all relatives in a hen/stag (or a wedding for that matter). If I had a difficult relative and I had a choice of inviting them and suffering their drama on the day or not inviting them and suffering the drama afterwards from a distance, I would choose the latter to protect my other guests.

We don't know if the OP is difficult but from her reactions it's a distinct possibility; it would explain her niece's decision as well as the fact that both bridesmaids chose to blank her.

B0jangles

I may be out of date on my wedding ettiquette, but isn't the hen supposed to close friends only?

People get ballyragged into inviting Mrs Whoever, who they haven't seen for 30 years to the actual wedding because she invited their parents to her wedding in 1958, but the guestlist for the hen is entirely the bride's business.

Even if you could reasonably have expected to be invited, at no point do you get to invite yourself, and then throw a strop when your self-invite is refused. That you seem to have thought you could do this might help explain why you weren't invited in the first place.

alan partridge aha

Idle Passerby wrote: »

It wasn't the niece that texted her, it was the bridesmaid.

There's an astonishing amount of planning that goes into a hen party. Its not easy to coordinate a group of people for several pre-planned activities especially when hotels, restaurants, activity providers are all asking "what are the final numbers and when will I get paid?" People dithering about whether or not they'll go is a huge headache, never mind people inviting themselves along.

We don't know how the BM worded her text, it may have been reasonable it may have been rude, the OP doesn't quote what she said. I wouldn't see it as unreasonable for the BM to say something like "Sorry you aren't on the list of people the bride wanted invited"

I think you need to read the op again. Bridesmaids had not the manners to reply to facebook/email.

GingerLily

B0jangles wrote: »

I may be out of date on my wedding ettiquette, but isn't the hen supposed to close friends only?

People get ballyragged into inviting Mrs Whoever, who they haven't seen for 30 years to the actual wedding because she invited their parents to her wedding in 1958, but the guestlist for the hen is entirely the bride's business.

Even if you could reasonably have expected to be invited, at no point do you get to invite yourself, and then throw a strop when your self-invite is refused. That you seem to have thought you could do this might help explain why you weren't invited in the first place.

When someone throws a hissy fit and refuses to come to your wedding - count your blessing that their tantrum didn't happen on the day and ruin your wedding!!

Idle Passerby

alan partridge aha wrote: »

I think you need to read the op again. Bridesmaids had not the manners to reply to facebook/email.

Thats why I added this:
"Edit: I see her emails to the briesmaid's were ignored so the text was from the niece. Either way, it appears the OP was never actually invited and then sent repeated messages asking to be included which seems fairly pushy."

Perhaps the bridesmaids were too embarrassed to reply to someone trying to invite themselves.

The OP hasn't been back to clarify whether or not she was actually invited in the first place but it seems she wasn't. Maybe she innocently saw it more as a casual night out that she could tag along to but sending emails asking to be invited, to two bridesmaids and then texting the bride looking for answers kind of sounds like a drama llama tactic. Particularly in light of the rift it seems to have caused.

iamwhoiam

alan partridge aha wrote: »

I think you need to read the op again. Bridesmaids had not the manners to reply to facebook/email.

My guess is the bridesmaids did not reply as they wanted to run it by the bride first .A bridesmaid would not be at liberty to invite someone without asking the bride

mindlet

Actually as per my title I was invited but I first said i wasn't going as I thought it was all really young people. By the way. I'm a young aunty and myself and said neice were very close even lived with her for a while overseas. Everyone else in my family were invited and all I did was text looking for number for her bride's maid and I decided a nasty text back. i was always very good to her and would have done anything for her,treated her like my little sister. She was only inviting me to wedding as it was expected. I don't go to events where I know I'm not wanted. I'm not nasty and don't deserve insults here. It just hurt when she invited everyone but be me out recently and even my father said that I should have been invited. We are a very close family. Maybe I should have gone to wedding,but I was very hurt by her and her nasty text in January. Tell me how you would feel when all your family are invited to a gettogether and you aren't. It just hurts. Life is too short and I am ready to talk to her when she is ready to explain why she didn't want me at her hen and she invited my sister and all my sister in laws. That's not how I treated anyone in my family for my hen.

iamwhoiam

mindlet wrote: »

Actually as per my title I was invited but I first said i wasn't going as I thought it was all really young people. By the way. I'm a young aunty and myself and said neice were very close even lived with her for a while overseas. Everyone else in my family were invited and all I did was text looking for number for her bride's maid and I decided a nasty text back. i w

As a matter of interest what was in the text she sent back ? Also maybe your niece was hurt that you declined to go and then changed your mind when it suited you to go ?

mindlet

alan partridge aha wrote: »

After you ask all these questions and if the answer is no then avoid your niece.

answer is no, I'm great fun love a laugh and it was in Galway and i was giving them 3 months notice. its not like I asked the week before. If her bridesmaids actually got back to me none of this would have happened. Actually I only texted her because my mam said just to send a short text looking for her bridesmaids phone number. At all times I was v friendly and never pushy as I said I had been invited and just changed my mind but this was months before.

woodchuck

Life is too short and I am ready to talk to her when she is ready to explain why she didn't want me at her hen and she invited my sister and all my sister in laws.

But she DID invite you and you turned the invitation down:

Actually as per my title I was invited but I first said i wasn't going as I thought it was all really young people.

I'm sorry, I know it hurts, but it sounds pretty straight forward that she wanted you there, you turned down the offer, and when you changed your mind you were hurt that they couldn't accommodate you. Presumably they had everything booked already based on the final numbers received - it's not her fault you changed your mind.

Would you not just get in touch to congratulate her on the new baby and try to mend your relationship? As you said, life is too short...

mindlet

lunamoon wrote: »

I think the OP needs to confirm whether she was invited or not. It looks like she just presumed she was invited and if that's the case then she really has no reason to be annoyed at the niece.

I was originally invited,said no as i thought no others a little older going then my other sister in law said I should go and she would bring me down. I just wanted the organisers to know i was coming down for one night if that was ok.

miamee

Unfortunately mindlet, you have declined her last two invitations to family-type events (first the hen and then the wedding) so she obviously has decided not to bother inviting you to any more. Have you spoken to her in all this time? Asked her how the hen went or the wedding or honeymoon? Did you send her a card or gift for her wedding wishing her well? Congratulate her on her pregnancy?
If you've been avoiding her all this time since the text about the hen a year and a half ago, I can see why she wouldn't want you at the family gathering introducing baby to their extended family. It sounds like a lovely family gathering and not the time for her to be stressed out about whether or not you are coming or what you are going to say to her about the hen/wedding/whatever.