Neice univited me to her Hen

mindlet

lawred2 wrote: »

Hmmm you invited yourself. Bit mean of them to tell you to take a hike but still mighty presumptuous on your part to just invite yourself.

Move on would be the best advice.

I was invited originally but changed mind a little after invite three months before.

iamwhoiam

mindlet wrote: »

answer is no, I'm great fun love a laugh and it was in Galway and i was giving them 3 months notice. its not like I asked the week before. If her bridesmaids actually got back to me none of this would have happened. Actually I only texted her because my mam said just to send a short text looking for her bridesmaids phone number. At all times I was v friendly and never pushy as I said I had been invited and just changed my mind but this was months before.

You probably hurt your niece by declining in the first place .She was good enough to invite you but you said NO .Then out of the blue because it now suited you you mail her bridesmaids and decide you now want to go .I too would be a bit miffed at that attitude .Then to crown it all you go in a huff and refuse an invite to her wedding?
Personally I think you should buy the baby a present , pop it in the post with a letter to your niece asking if you both can chat and you can explain yourself and hope she was not too hurt to meet up

mindlet

Get Real wrote: »

These two points, both coming from you, are at absolute odds with each other.

So you were invited, and you, of your own accord, declined to attend. You then changed your mind, but threw your toys out when it was too late to do so. I would expect any reasonable adult to understand this and move on.

I mean, numbers for accommodation, deposists, activities etc have to be finalised and deposists paid. You outlined you weren't going and they went ahead and planned on tha basis.


You then reacted to this, by not showing up to the wedding itself.

And yet, in your second point, you're the one ready to accept an explanation from her?.......

It was actually three months before hen.It wasn't last minute. I had no hissy fit just very hurt to be told I couldn't go directly as it was causing stress. I actually was organising my own accommodation and I was only going for one night.

seamus

We're only getting one side of the story here OP and naturally you're going to paint your side in the light that looks most positive to you.

You formally declined to go to her hen, but then later on when everything was booked, decided to slot yourself back in without asking. Either way that's going to rankle.

Then out of spite you declined an invitation to go to the wedding.

The two big problems here are:

1. Falling out over text. Tone is very hard to read in texts, people so often read things into them which isn't there or which isn't intended and a short text gets blown up into "a decidedly nasty text". One detail you've left out here is what you said after. What was your response to her text? Did you respond? Did you get into an argument?

2. You turned down the prime opportunity to resolve the issue/mend the relationship by refusing to go to the wedding.


The family event thing is irrelevant. You probably would have declined to go to that too on the basis that "She was only inviting me as it was expected."

Ball is in your court. She extended the olive branch, you refused it.

Buy a gift for the child, write a congratulations card that apologises for your behaviour and indicates your desire to mend the relationship, and send it to her.

iamwhoiam

mindlet wrote: »

It was 3 months before the hen so ofcourse they could have added me. I still want to know why? I never did anything to hurt her even offered her lots of new stuff for her wedding i never used. I knew she was stressed and I always messaged her with tips and told her I would help in anyway in wedding prep. So it was a kick in the teeth to be told she didn't want me there

Maybe it was a kick in the teeth for her when you refused her original invite to her hens

Redser87

mindlet wrote: »

sorry but that's not how hens work. You don't stress the bride.

I'd say you did cause the bride quite a lot of stress by declining her invitation then changing your mind for the hen, and also turning down the wedding invitation. Now as a new mother she is unlikely to want to bring more stress on herself. I think the only way out of this is for you to apologise to her, difficult as that may be.

mindlet

seamus wrote: »

We're only getting one side of the story here OP and naturally you're going to paint your side in the light that looks most positive to you.

You formally declined to go to her hen, but then later on when everything was booked, decided to slot yourself back in without asking. Either way that's going to rankle.

Then out of spite you declined an invitation to go to the wedding.

The two big problems here are:

1. Falling out over text. Tone is very hard to read in texts, people so often read things into them which isn't there or which isn't intended and a short text gets blown up into "a decidedly nasty text". One detail you've left out here is what you said after. What was your response to her text? Did you respond? Did you get into an argument?

2. You turned down the prime opportunity to resolve the issue/mend the relationship by refusing to go to the wedding.


The family event thing is irrelevant. You probably would have declined to go to that too on the basis that "She was only inviting me as it was expected."

Ball is in your court. She extended the olive branch, you refused it.

Buy a gift for the child, write a congratulations card that apologises for your behaviour and indicates your desire to mend the relationship, and send it to her.

In no way have I behaved badly. I did absolutely nothing wrong. If I'm not wanted at hen and told I was stressing her directly by her on text when all i did was look for her friends phone number. I'm not 2 faced and am very honest but never bitch or mean. I actually have a card and present bought for new child

iamwhoiam

mindlet wrote: »

In no way have I behaved badly. I did absolutely nothing wrong. If I'm not wanted at hen and told I was stressing her directly by her on text when all i did was look for her friends phone number. I'm not 2 faced and am very honest but never bitch or mean. I actually have a card and present bought for new child

You have a whole thread explaining to you where you went wrong and most politely and repeatedly . And still you insist you did no wrong

lunamoon

mindlet wrote: »

In no way have I behaved badly. I did absolutely nothing wrong. If I'm not wanted at hen and told I was stressing her directly by her on text when all i did was look for her friends phone number. I'm not 2 faced and am very honest but never bitch or mean. I actually have a card and present bought for new child

What do you want from this thread? Everyone is pretty much saying the same thing. Apologise for not going to her wedding and move on.

You don't seem to want to take that advice though so I'm not sure what the point of the thread continuing is. Did you want us all to agree with you that your niece was in the wrong?

mindlet

Redser87 wrote: »

I'd say you did cause the bride quite a lot of stress by declining her invitation then changing your mind for the hen, and also turning down the wedding invitation. Now as a new mother she is unlikely to want to bring more stress on herself. I think the only way out of this is for you to apologise to her, difficult as that may be.

first of all she was not organising hen and I apologized to bridesmaids after changing mind and very diplomatically asked if i could go for one night. Three months notice. I even said I had lift and would organise accommodation myself.

jen70

When you declined they probably had their numbers then and booked everything. Stressful for them then to change and re-book things - transport, activities, accommodation etc. I know its hurtful but the bridesmaids probably don't know you and have enough to be doing than suiting every person going, you should have went to the wedding and all this drama would have been over.

seamus

mindlet wrote: »

In no way have I behaved badly. I did absolutely nothing wrong.

You can continue to tell yourself that if you wish. But if that's what you're choosing to do, then you may as well stop reading this thread, because I don't see what you hope to get out of it.

As far as you're concerned you have nothing to do. So sit there staring at a wrapped present for the next 20 years if you want until you meet your niece and her child at someone's funeral.

Or you could take advice from people looking at this objectively and work to fix a relationship and not let a petty issue be the rock that you perish on.

Close families don't let nonsense like this drive them apart. If that's what you believe you have, then fix it.

Pa8301

mindlet wrote: »

In no way have I behaved badly. I did absolutely nothing wrong. If I'm not wanted at hen and told I was stressing her directly by her on text when all i did was look for her friends phone number. I'm not 2 faced and am very honest but never bitch or mean. I actually have a card and present bought for new child

If you are so adamant that you did nothing wrong and have not behaved badly and that you are going to wait until your niece apologises to you then why are you on here looking for advice? You seem to know what you are going to do already.

mindlet

GingerLily wrote: »

Are you aware that the bridesmaids take responsibility for the hen organising?

Why did you take it out on the bride? You had already declined?

It seems like a lot of drama

I actually emailed bridesmaids twice and received no response and only texted neice to get their number on my mother's advice.

LegacyUser

mindlet wrote: »

In no way have I behaved badly. I did absolutely nothing wrong. If I'm not wanted at hen and told I was stressing her directly by her on text when all i did was look for her friends phone number.

OP as always theres 3 sides to ever story, your version, their version and the reality in between those two. You claim you are/were super close to this niece yet you didn't just call them and ask to talk about the issue. You weren't uninvited to the hen, you were invited you declined then changed your mind. you keep saying there was 3 months to the hen but we don't know what was planned and how much everything had to be booked in advance and how many people had also changed their mind and were causing a lot of stress for everyone involved. Maybe the text to you was rude but why would you not ring then and talk about it if your family is as close as you claim? To just see a text as rude and then snub the whole wedding sounds very very childish.

You've wait what a year to bring the issue up again and are still holding a grudge over the hen, seriously OP?!?!

mindlet

Wellyd wrote: »

Sorry OP but you weren’t actually invited to the hen, so it’s impossible to be uninvited to something you were never invited to in the first place. Hen parties are invite only from my experience. Don’t expect an apology because you won’t get one.

I was invited,read my post

mindlet

elbyrneo wrote: »

"i before e except after c".

Sorry, it's been bugging me.

I actually have cataracts so I would appreciate if you kept your smart and hurtful comments to yourself. It means I am moreorless going blind until I have op. Please think before you post. I'm sure you are perfect also.

Idle Passerby

You were hurt at being excluded, that's understandable. But its been months and months. Life has moved on, your niece is now married and has a family. Let it go. Your niece presumably feels slighted too by your refusal to come to the wedding so why not just call it even and forget about it. No good will come from continuing to pick at the scab.

mindlet

seamus wrote: »

You can continue to tell yourself that if you wish. But if that's what you're choosing to do, then you may as well stop reading this thread, because I don't see what you hope to get out of it.

As far as you're concerned you have nothing to do. So sit there staring at a wrapped present for the next 20 years if you want until you meet your niece and her child at someone's funeral.

Or you could take advice from people looking at this objectively and work to fix a relationship and not let a petty issue be the rock that you perish on.

Close families don't let nonsense like this drive them apart. If that's what you believe you have, then fix it.

As I said i have present and card and will send. I am a better person but still hurts to not know why she didn't want me at hen. We were very close and even spent time together over seas.

Wildly Boaring

Idle Passerby wrote: »

You were hurt at being excluded, that's understandable. But its been months and months. Life has moved on, your niece is now married and has a family. Let it go. Your niece presumably feels slighted too by your refusal to come to the wedding so why not just call it even and forget about it. No good will come from continuing to pick at the scab.

Nicely summarised.
Bite your tongue, apologise and get on with living.
You wont be on your deathbed delighted you didn't talk to someone for years over a perceived slight

mindlet

Idle Passerby wrote: »

You were hurt at being excluded, that's understandable. But its been months and months. Life has moved on, your niece is now married and has a family. Let it go. Your niece presumably feels slighted too by your refusal to come to the wedding so why not just call it even and forget about it. No good will come from continuing to pick at the scab.

True. I will be the better person and will send card and present and maybe some day she might explain her reasoning for omitting me from her hen. I am ready to talk.

Wildly Boaring

mindlet wrote: »

True. I will be the better person and will send card and present and maybe some day she might explain her reasoning for omitting me from her hen. I am ready to talk.

The advice to not pick at the scab is also in there.

Nothing to be gained from pushing it. Life is not a soap opera

Penn

Sorry mindlet, but there's a difference between "doing absolutely nothing wrong" and simply "not intending to do anything wrong". You were invited to the hen, and you've outlined how close you were to your niece. You chose not to go for fair enough reasons (though if you were worried about not wanting to be the only older one there, you could have checked with your sisters in law if they had been invited, or checked with the bridesmaids before saying yes or no). She did want you at the hen. Hence the original invite.

Then when you found out they were going and decided you'd go for one night, that throws a spanner in the works even regardless of whether it's three days or three months out. Events were likely planned, deposits paid (split between the number of people who said they were going), travel and accommodation booked etc. Saying you then would go, for one of the nights (I'm guessing it was a multi-day hen), but you'd get your own accommodation etc... it just hugely confuses things, makes things awkward, and yes, can be the sort of thing to stress a bride out even when she's not organising it (as the bridesmaids were likely telling her and checking things with her).

Then you claim that you were always close with your niece, but didn't want to go to the wedding because you were only being invited for the sake of it and because all aunties etc were being invited, and you know where you're not wanted. Except you were wanted. You were originally invited to the hen, but you chose not to go (regardless of trying to then get back into it). You were invited to the wedding, regardless of whether it was all aunties or just a select few doesn't matter, you were invited and you chose not to go because of what happened with the hen party. Your niece didn't cut you off, you cut yourself off.

Now with the baby, you're still on the outside looking in. You took not being able to get back into the hen party as a huge slight, causing you to not go to your niece's wedding. Which do you think is worse; you not being allowed to go to the hen party because plans and bookings had already been made after you turned down the invitation, or you not going to your niece's own wedding day because of that? You may feel it's the former, but as most of the people here seem to agree, it's the latter.

If you want things to be right with your niece, you're going to have to make the move. As others have said, buy a present, write a letter apologising, and send it to her. She may, or may not accept your apology. But by not going to her wedding, you've turned a small disagreement into something much larger. If you want a relationship with your niece, you need to apologise for it and not expect an apology back for what happened with the hen. Apologise and let the argument be over.

iamwhoiam

mindlet wrote: »

As I said i have present and card and will send. I am a better person but still hurts to not know why she didn't want me at hen. We were very close and even spent time together over seas.

She did , you refused

elbyrneo

mindlet wrote: »

I actually have cataracts so I would appreciate if you kept your smart and hurtful comments to yourself. It means I am moreorless going blind until I have op. Please think before you post. I'm sure you are perfect also.

A further insight into your personality here? Some people would laugh this comment off, some people would ignore, others bring drama...

I'm repeating what I said in an earlier post, but none of us know you. All we know is what you posted. Your reaction to this episode (refusing to go to the wedding, missing out on new baby) shows us a glimpse of your personality. As does your refusal to admit you did anything wrong despite all the posters advice.

From the glimpse of your personality we get, I can imagine why your niece might not have made a special effort to get you back on the list.

Ask yourself: are you fun to be around or do you bring drama? Are you a good friend/aunt as demonstrated by your behaviour over the years? Would people go out of their way For you?

If you can honestly say yes to all this, then maybe it was harsh of your niece. But I can't see how you could say yes when you were so stubborn or self righteous not to go to her wedding or visit and see her new baby.

Calhoun

mindlet wrote: »

True. I will be the better person and will send card and present and maybe some day she might explain her reasoning for omitting me from her hen. I am ready to talk.

Please don't send her anything, with the tone of how your posting I can only assume you will put something into it that will make it worse.

Right now your neice is a new mother and doesnt need extra stress. A real snotty message in the card could get you excluded for good.

TheChizler

mindlet wrote: »

True. I will be the better person and will send card and present and maybe some day she might explain her reasoning for omitting me from her hen. I am ready to talk.

You're still putting the responsibility on her to apologise and make contact? Why not suck it up, apologise, be the bigger person, and get on with your lives with less animosity? Instead of the two of you waiting for the other person to break first.

dudara

Has anyone actually picked up the phone or spoken to each other in person? Emails and texts are a truly terribly way to communicate. They’re open to misinterpretation, sometimes people just forget to reply etc.

This whole story just isn’t adding up for me. I’m not blaming you here, I’m saying that we don’t know all sides and we don’t know what actually happened. So it’s really hard to advise you.

But in the end of the day, so you want a relationship with your niece and grandniece/nephew? If you do, you’re going to have to make it happen.

Try_harder

You declined her initial invite- you cant just decide to change your mind

LegacyUser

mindlet wrote: »

True. I will be the better person and will send card and present and maybe some day she might explain her reasoning for omitting me from her hen. I am ready to talk.

That's not being the better person OP. Seriously what do you want? She didn't omit you, you were invited, you said no.