The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

pleas advice · 18-05-2018 05:03AM

if you listen to it, you can hear him thinking "F**K,... F**K, 'A man. One small step for A man' What the f*ck do I do now? f*ck! ... may as well carry on..."

"one"
****
"giant leap"
****, ...****!
"for man kind..."

New Home · 18-05-2018 01:35PM

“So tell me Captain Sullenberger what was it like to land a commercial jetliner on the Hudson?”

“Plane sailing, I’d say”

(Shamelessly stolen today from a friend)

donegal. · 18-05-2018 04:42PM

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman:
‘Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?’
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.’
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman’.
The barman says, ‘I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..’.
The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, ‘We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.’ The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, ‘Are you sure I will like it?’
The masses’ bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, ‘Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll
love it.’
‘Ok’, says the rabbit, ‘I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.’
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves….
..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, ‘Who are you?’, to which he is answered, ‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.’
The barman says, ‘I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.’
The rabbit says, ‘Yes I know.’
The barman said, ‘I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.’
The rabbit said, ‘Yes, you promised me that I would love it.’
The barman said, ‘You never came back, what happened?’
‘I DIED’, said the rabbit.
‘NO!’ said the barman. ‘What from?’
After a short pause. The rabbit said…
‘Mixin-me-toasties.’

Capt'n Midnight · 18-05-2018 08:19PM

Viz Top Tips

FAT PEOPLE make everyone think you've just stepped out of a shower by climbing a flight of stairs

Save money on expensive nicotine gum by chewing ordinary gum and smoking a cigarette at the same time.

DEVOUT CATHOLICS.
If the Lord has not yet made Himself visible, perhaps you are looking in the wrong place. Try paying more attention to the flaking paint on your walls, the rust on your frying pan or the mouldy stains on your carpet as these are the sort of places where He usually turns up.

POWER COMPANIES. After a blackout, wait until midnight before turning on the power again. That way, everybody's alarm clocks and videos will be automatically re-set.

CONVINCE YOUR neighbours that you're a serial killer by chopping them into tiny pieces with an axe.

WIFE BEATERS.
When hitting your wife, get hold of a crocodile, a string of sausages and a policeman to recreate some of that seaside magic for the kids.

HALF A table tennis ball makes an ideal soup bowl for a hamster.

PROFESSIONAL footballers.
Remember, there is plenty of time to get pissed after your playing career has ended.

Fun-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal-sized Mars Bars for dwarves

A kitchen roll tube and two small mirrors makes a handy periscope for watching TV from beneath the floor boards.

Normal-sized Mars bars make ideal fun-sized Mars Bars for giants

HAMSTERS You might want to put a dent in the bottom of your new soup bowl, to avoid spilling hot soup.

HR MANAGERS: When confronted with a pile of candidate CV's, select half of them randomly and throw them in the bin. This way you have removed all the people who are unlucky in life and bound to be problematic later on.

Reduce the risk of paper cuts by removing the sharp edges with scissors

To make your husband's trousers heavier, hang onions from the belt loops.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it

LADIES – don't miss a moment of valuable tanning time by going topless year round!

Pedestrians – save energy by not looking both ways when crossing a one way street

King-size Mars Bars make ideal normal-sized Mars Bars for giants

Dead moths make ideal handgliders for woodlice

Normal-sized Mars Bars make ideal king-sized Mars Bars for dwarves

Save your toenail clippings. Place them inside a knotted stocking and they make a handy pan scourer.

CYCLE PART MANUFACTURERS – Make more money by always making new parts that require new tools to fit or maintain them, the mugs will buy anything.

Old people – are you worried that people in a hurry might be able to get past you on the pavement? Why not try stumbling aimlessly from side to side? That should stop them.

Pedestrians – look both ways when crossing a one way street in case a yellow van is reversing . . .

A small coniferous tree in the corner of your living room is an excellent place to store Christmas decorations

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them, and then you can buy them back for 50p.

Save money on expensive personal address books by getting the phone book and crossing out all the people you don't know

Save money on sex-lines by phoning up the Samaritans and threatening to kill yourself unless they talk dirty

M.T. Cranium · 18-05-2018 09:01PM

Too bad that rabbit wasn't a hare because the barman could have gone to a hare replacement clinic.

Capt'n Midnight · 18-05-2018 11:03PM

Bought some shoes made out of Lego, now when you step on a piece of Lego it doesn’t hurt.

You just get taller.

coldfire1x · 19-05-2018 03:18PM

Prince Harry says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.

Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a ****, he's still going!

coldfire1x · 19-05-2018 03:21PM

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick!

Especially as his name is Matthew.

patmac · 19-05-2018 05:01PM

Love and marriage ,
Love and marriage ,
Is that Camilla,
Pulling the Royal carriage,
This I tell you brother,
Grandma killed our Mother.

K.Flyer · 19-05-2018 05:01PM

Our boss called a staff meeting yesterday: “I’ve lost my wallet today with 500 euro cash in it, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 euro finder’s fee!”

A voice down the back of the room says:
"I’m offering 200!”

K.Flyer · 19-05-2018 05:05PM

My neighbour came at me this morning, roaring and shouting aggressively, going mad he was, asking if I knew anything about his clothes disappearing from their clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly sh!t his pants.

K.Flyer · 19-05-2018 05:07PM

You have to appreciate how badass the Chinese are, making their language totally out of tattoo symbols.

K.Flyer · 19-05-2018 05:10PM

Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?

You shout, “Christ, one of them has a knife!”

K.Flyer · 19-05-2018 05:16PM

I was the best door-to-door security alarms salesmen for many years running.
My trick was to just leave a brochure on the kitchen table if there was nobody home.

M.T. Cranium · 21-05-2018 08:45AM

It is believed that Meghan Markle's father may be Roger Bannister. This is because she quite often has a four minute smile.

M.T. Cranium · 21-05-2018 08:49AM

K.Flyer wrote: »

I was the best door-to-door security alarms salesmen for many years running.
My trick was to just leave a brochure on the kitchen table if there was nobody home.

Yes, you were the best, until I started leaving them under a pillow. :eek:

21-05-2018 01:12PM

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

Yes, you were the best, until I started leaving them under a pillow. :eek:

Next to the Milk Tray.

Try_harder · 22-05-2018 12:30AM

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

K.Flyer · 22-05-2018 01:50AM

A man who wants to murder his wife goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.

“I’m sorry sir, but I can’t give you cyanide just like that.” says the pharmacist.

Without a word, the man takes out his wife’s photograph and holds it out in front of him.

The pharmacist apologizes, “My mistake sir, I didn’t realize you had a prescription."

GBX · 22-05-2018 02:21PM

I just got an email from my mate, the Nigerian Prince. He has no money to share with me today, he just wanted to know if I still wanted to get emails after May 25th

donegal. · 22-05-2018 02:26PM

Capt'n Midnight · 22-05-2018 09:09PM

A reminder that the referendum is on Friday.

So I'll leave you with this traditional advice given by party political pundits. (you can guess the party)

Vote early,

Vote often.

M.T. Cranium · 22-05-2018 10:10PM

The trouble with egalitarianism is that inferior people think that they are your equal.

Yer Da sells Avon · 22-05-2018 10:28PM

"Doctor, doctor, my husband was admitted to hospital for involuntary buttock spasms. Where is he now?"

"ICU, baby. Shakin' that ass"

K.Flyer · 23-05-2018 02:29AM

Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I asked: “But what happens if I swallow the ball?”

“It's no problem sir," he replied", "You just bring it back the next day like everybody else."

K.Flyer · 23-05-2018 03:29AM

The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse carriage through London.

Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.
“Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry,” apologises the embarrassed Queen.

“Oh don’t worry about it," the Pope replied, "If you hadn’t said anything, I’d have just thought it was one of the horses!”

M.T. Cranium · 23-05-2018 05:23AM

As a prank, some college students around 1967 said, let's start a political party that does the exact opposite of everything that should be done, makes sense, or can be paid for.

This is how we got our government.

(Canadians would find this funny)

patmac · 23-05-2018 08:02AM

A bloke was on a date with a woman and he asked her how did she like sex.
Infrequently she said and he asked her is that one word or two.

Yer Da sells Avon · 24-05-2018 06:00AM

"Doctor, I think I have genetic diarrhoea"
"But diarrhoea isn't genetic"
"Well, it's in my jeans"

K.Flyer · 24-05-2018 12:24PM

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid.
So she decided to lay down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old usual story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and off went to the bathroom.
The wife quickly got out of bed, went into the maid's bedroom, switched off the lights and got into the maid's bed.
Soon she heard the bedroom door and he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "Well, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you now?" And then she switched on the light...
"No ma'am, I didn't," said the gardener.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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