Age gap

bannerdb · 29-12-2017 12:18PM

Moses Vast Zirconium wrote: »

I mean, after two dates with this super mature sensible grown woman, she's calling you in a state over a fight with her mother.

And you are saying to this super mature sensible grown woman words to the effect of "calm down, and go give your mother a hug, she's only looking out for you".

From what I can gather, plenty of posters think is just a normal dynamic in a relationship and people who wince at it are prudish busybodies but JFC.

She called me to apologise as she felt embarrassed for what happened. Isn't that a perfectly normal reaction? I don't think that reflects on her maturity levels in one way or another.

QueenRizla · 29-12-2017 01:07PM

bannerdb wrote: »

She called me to apologise as she felt embarrassed for what happened. Isn't that a perfectly normal reaction? I don't think that reflects on her maturity levels in one way or another.

OP, to be fair the dynamic is not very adult, most people in their thirties don’t have their dates phoning to apologise about their cross Mammy who thinks you are too old. I’d be mortified to be in your situation and would feel weird dropping a teenager off home to their parents after a date. It’s not normal, it’s very unusual.
OP maybe really question your motivations here, was your separation amicable? The attraction could be that she is young, not worldly and going to be less challenging than a woman your own age because she is not emotionally mature.

Thinking to when I was 19, I didn’t know what I wanted from one week to the next, but would have enjoyed an older guy giving me attention and could have really romanticized it, even more so if my parents disapproved, I would have seen it as a misguided chance to assert my independence. The reality is if I was truly independent and mature a Dad in his thirties would have had zero appeal. But the romantic drama and attention is appealing to both parties for different reasons none of them that healthy. You are getting very emotionally invested in a teenager, have a honest evaluation of your motivations and hers.

whoopsadoodles · 29-12-2017 01:30PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think we're all wandering off-point now. Problem for our OP is that this young lady's mammy felt it was OK to come out and warn him off. And that she isn't yet at the stage where she can tell the mammy to mind her own business. This suggests that there's still a lot to trash out between her and her parents.

I'm out of home 19 years. Have had children and been married in that time. I still wouldn't tell my mam to mind her own business. Ever. And I still get asked to text her when I'm home. Get called after a night out to check on me. Get told to mind myself if I'm going into town. Get asked if I'll be going home on my own.

Some mothers will be like that however old their child.

Sephiroth_dude · 29-12-2017 01:46PM

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

I'm out of home 19 years. Have had children and been married in that time. I still wouldn't tell my mam to mind her own business. Ever. And I still get asked to text her when I'm home. Get called after a night out to check on me. Get told to mind myself if I'm going into town. Get asked if I'll be going home on my own.

Some mothers will be like that however old their child.

Mine is like that to

.

Permabear · 29-12-2017 02:11PM

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LegacyUser · 29-12-2017 02:28PM

Hugo Acidic Tire wrote: »

Men in their thirties pursuing teenagers is creepy.

Jesus wept ,she’s 20 in a few days and he’s 31 . !!

He’s not 39 and she’s not 16

Ann84 · 29-12-2017 02:40PM

Hi OP, happy you are having fun but it seems it may really just be all about your fun!

I am not really that bothered by the age gap, but more her place in life vs. yours. At 19, she could be off in college, traveling the world or learning to live on her own with peers etc. - you don’t really know her, or her plans in life...
I don’t think her age is an issue other than you are in very different places, your settled and she’s young!

Her mother is probably being protective, doesn’t want her to fall in love with someone who is settled with a child when her daughter could be in oz next year, or building a career in Dublin or anywhere...

Leaving the age difference aside, I had friends settled young, I had a kid at 21 and many of friends travelled - you can’t get that time back and many of those people who sacrificed opportunities because of long-term relationships at a young age regret it even with no age gaps involved... being in your 20’s gives you a chance to experience the world in a way most can’t in their 30/40’s

Another poster mentioned many men in their 30/40’s would want to be with young girls and while in theory that may be the case, in reality I don’t think it is because people in general want to socialize with their peer groups, and if you date this girl she’ll pull away from her peers, or as that other story went, eventually want to be with people her own age which would be right for her.
It’s also a bit selfish in my view because being in love can make people choose to miss out on things they could be doing and for someone in their 30/40’s it matters less than a young adult but that’s personal opinion entirely...

If my daughter came home with a boyfriend much older than her at 20 I’d be gutted, I’d feel like she may throw away her freedoms and miss out on life experiences for a relationship that may not last, she could settle at 30 with a 40 year old and I don’t think I’d be half as bothered...

Her mum probably just doesn’t want her to get attached to someone settled and miss out on the life of a 20y/o, best of luck

Ursus Horribilis · 29-12-2017 02:46PM

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

I'm out of home 19 years. Have had children and been married in that time. I still wouldn't tell my mam to mind her own business. Ever. And I still get asked to text her when I'm home. Get called after a night out to check on me. Get told to mind myself if I'm going into town. Get asked if I'll be going home on my own.

Some mothers will be like that however old their child.

OK, I admit I phrased that extremely badly. I've never told either of my parents to mind their own business either. Because I've not really lived at home since I was 17, I've been able to keep my private life mostly private and to spare them the gory details. I'm also at a stage of my life where I'm able to either bite my tongue or find tactful ways to acknowledge what has been said. I was just throw it out there as a figure of speech. A very blunt one...

The point is, though, that this young lady hasn't yet found a way to relate to her mum adult to adult. That's not anyone's fault. My guess is that she's not long out of school and hasn't yet lived an independent life. It's also tougher to deal with situations like this when you're still living under your parent's roof. I think even if this doesn't work out, it'll have done her some good.

splinter65 · 29-12-2017 02:48PM

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

I'm out of home 19 years. Have had children and been married in that time. I still wouldn't tell my mam to mind her own business. Ever. And I still get asked to text her when I'm home. Get called after a night out to check on me. Get told to mind myself if I'm going into town. Get asked if I'll be going home on my own.

Some mothers will be like that however old their child.

I’m comforted to hear that there are other mams as bad as me.

Ann84 · 29-12-2017 02:50PM

Hi OP, happy you are having fun but it seems it may really just be all about your fun!

I am not really that bothered by the age gap, but more her place in life vs. yours. At 19, she could be off in college, traveling the world or learning to live on her own with peers etc. - you don’t really know her, or her plans in life...
I don’t think her age is an issue other than you are in very different places, your settled and she’s young!

Her mother is probably being protective, doesn’t want her to fall in love with someone who is settled with a child when her daughter could be in oz next year, or building a career in Dublin or anywhere...

Leaving the age difference aside, I had friends settled young, I had a kid at 21 and many of friends travelled - you can’t get that time back and many of those people who sacrificed opportunities because of long-term relationships at a young age regret it even with no age gaps involved... being in your 20’s gives you a chance to experience the world in a way most can’t in their 30/40’s

Another poster mentioned many men in their 30/40’s would want to be with young girls and while in theory that may be the case, in reality I don’t think it is because people in general want to socialize with their peer groups, and if you date this girl she’ll pull away from her peers, or as that other story went, eventually want to be with people her own age which would be right for her.
It’s also a bit selfish in my view because being in love can make people choose to miss out on things they could be doing and for someone in their 30/40’s it matters less than a young adult but that’s personal opinion entirely...

If my daughter came home with a boyfriend much older than her at 20 I’d be gutted, I’d feel like she may throw away her freedoms and miss out on life experiences for a relationship that may not last, she could settle at 30 with a 40 year old and I don’t think I’d be half as bothered...

Her mum probably just doesn’t want her to get attached to someone settled and miss out on the life of a 20y/o, best of luck

Dial Hard · 29-12-2017 03:05PM

Permabear wrote:

This post had been deleted.

Or perhaps you're fixated on justifying age gap relationships no matter what despite the very real and reasonable considerations people have brought up.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 29-12-2017 04:20PM

bannerdb wrote: »

She called me to apologise as she felt embarrassed for what happened. Isn't that a perfectly normal reaction? I don't think that reflects on her maturity levels in one way or another.

From how I read it, she was calling you upset over the fight.

And it's your reaction that's jumping out at me as well because it's the same paternalistic, benignly condescending one which I've observed in age gap relationships before; even if it's not there at the start, it creeps in pretty bloody quickly. If someone I was in a relationship with spoke to me like that, I'd interpret it as them not thinking I was mature, because it's how one speaks to a child.

Additionally, the fact that you're reacting to her mother's interference with shocked hurt feelings...did you not realise that there was almost certainly going to be something like this happening? That's what I mean about you need to open your eyes a little bit. I don't condone her mother doing that, besides other reasons not to I'd say it was pretty counterproductive.

Again, after two dates, and a barney with her ma, this woman is now "terrified" over whether or not you two will be able to "relax into a relationship". There's just a big ol bang of adolescent drama and play-acting going on. It's what a lot of people do at that age, there's not anything necessarily wrong with it, you just need to consider whether it's worth putting up with it because you guys like the same films.

Look, you're not one of those "I keep getting older they stay the same age" guys who has a string of relationships with very young women behind him, and in five or six years an eleven year age gap wouldn't be a very big deal at all, I don't mean to be getting at you.

LegacyUser · 29-12-2017 06:00PM

The tone of your "give your mother a hug" message says it all. It is patronising and inappropriate.

Also, while men may want to have sex with 19 year old girls always, I most certainly do not want to go out with one. It would be like babysitting. Can you imagine listening to that over a two-hour dinner? Nightmare.

This is a mid-life crisis in full blast. Shame on anyone to recommend the OP continues this charade. It will only lead to hurt.

My two cents: concentrate on sorting out your arrangements with your child and stay away from ANY relationship until that is working properly.

19 year old? Please.....grow up.

LegacyUser · 29-12-2017 10:06PM

AmandaHuginkiss wrote: »

The tone of your "give your mother a hug" message says it all. It is patronising and inappropriate.

Also, while men may want to have sex with 19 year old girls always, I most certainly do not want to go out with one. It would be like babysitting. Can you imagine listening to that over a two-hour dinner? Nightmare.

This is a mid-life crisis in full blast. Shame on anyone to recommend the OP continues this charade. It will only lead to hurt.

My two cents: concentrate on sorting out your arrangements with your child and stay away from ANY relationship until that is working properly.

19 year old? Please.....grow up.

Wow isn’t that nice , the lad is 31 !!! Since when is that middle aged . He’s a young man infact
The only issue I see here is that he has a child which could be an issue for the lady involved . Other than that there isn’t an issue as they seem to get on like a house on fire .
Terrible attitude to think a 20 year old remember she’s 20 in a few days yeah ? needs to be minded
Actually are you the bitter mother in disguise???

Ann84 · 29-12-2017 11:35PM

Toddsinbarmes wrote: »

Wow isn’t that nice , the lad is 31 !!! Since when is that middle aged . He’s a young man infact
The only issue I see here is that he has a child which could be an issue for the lady involved . Other than that there isn’t an issue as they seem to get on like a house on fire .
Terrible attitude to think a 20 year old remember she’s 20 in a few days yeah ? needs to be minded
Actually are you the bitter mother in disguise???

What?
The difference between a 20 year old and a 30 year old with a child is massive!

Permabear · 30-12-2017 12:05AM

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Pretzill · 30-12-2017 12:26AM

There's 12 years between myself and my OH and we're still together 20+ years. There were 12 years between an ex and me too when we met I was 19 it didn't last. Don't know if that helps OP - what I'm trying to say is a 12 year age gap isn't a big one it just depends where each person us in their lives - and what you both are looking for. Don't overthink it and go for it would be my advice - there is nothing sleazy about two consenting adults fancying each other.

When did people get so conservative?

Tell me how · 30-12-2017 02:06AM

Ann84 wrote:

What? The difference between a 20 year old and a 30 year old with a child is massive!

In your view.
You know nothing of this lady.

Ann84 · 30-12-2017 09:45AM

Tell me how wrote: »

In your view.
You know nothing of this lady.

Sorry - one would hope there is a massive difference between and 20y/o and a 30y/o with a kid, for both their sakes.

Dr Crayfish · 30-12-2017 10:40AM

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

We all know about your relationship at this stage, hard to avoid reading about it on these forums, but just because it’s working out for you doesn’t mean it will for others. Personally I would feel like I’m stifling someone that age if I were to have some kind of relationship with them, simple as that. 18 year olds should be hanging around with people their own age, not men old enough to be their fathers. That’s just weird.

Permabear · 30-12-2017 12:27PM

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QueenRizla · 30-12-2017 12:36PM

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

To be fair teenagers marrying old guys is something culturally I’d associate with uneducated Hillbillies in Southern US states, as women have more education and options, it’s not that common and popular in Ireland and it’s not because we are conservative as a society quite the opposite!

Permabear · 30-12-2017 01:45PM

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Big Bag of Chips · 30-12-2017 02:16PM

Ok, as the thread seems to have strayed far from offering advice to the OP, we will lock it. OP, if you wish for it to be reopened to ask for more advice please contact any of the PI Moderators.

Age gap

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