Age gap

Ghekko

Definitely ask her out. She can say no if she wants.

bannerdb

Thanks again for all the advice folks. Well I took the plunge and asked her out to dinner and a movie!

bannerdb

Well I’m a bit confused now.... after 2 wonderful dates, we are getting along great. However, after dropping her home after our last date her mother arrived out to the car and told me she wasn’t comfortable with a man 12 years older spending time with her daughter. She was nice about it, but this wasn’t the ideal first meeting and made us all feel uncomfortable. She asked how I would feel,if it were my daughter dating someone so much older. Is wasn’t ready for this sort of cinversation, especially being caught on the hop. This inevitably caused a huge row between mother and daughter after I was gone and she called me this morning very upset about it. I told her to go giver her mum a hug and tell her she loves her, as she is only doing what any mother would do. However, she is terrified that we will never be able,to relax into a relationship because of her families disapproval.

I honestly wanted to tell her to tell her mother where to go, but I have no right to do that. I also don’t want a rift between her and her mother on my conscience. After I got home, and I analyzed the conversation I actually felt like I’m being perceived as a bit of a creep. Can anyone offer any advice? It’s quite upsetting for both of us. Is it worth all this hassle?

splinter65

My daughter is nearly 21 and she definitely couldn’t handle a relationship with a guy 10 years older with a small child.
In a way, we were a lot more mature at 20/21 then they are now. They’re terribly coddled.
I’d let it pass OP but you are ready to get back in the dating scene!

OP not sure what way to advise you here but just wanted to say you sound nothing like a creep at all. You sound like a very decent guy. Hope it works out.

s7ryf3925pivug

Men in their thirties pursuing teenagers is creepy.

amtc

There's a similar number of years between my parents and a similar conversation was had. Made them all the more determined.

In a way it's nice that her mother can approach you. You've shown yourself to be a nice guy dropping her home and she is over age! You're not proposing...it has been two dates. Just keep going slow and steady.

whoopsadoodles

bannerdb wrote: »

Well I’m a bit confused now.... after 2 wonderful dates, we are getting along great. However, after dropping her home after our last date her mother arrived out to the car and told me she wasn’t comfortable with a man 12 years older spending time with her daughter. She was nice about it, but this wasn’t the ideal first meeting and made us all feel uncomfortable. She asked how I would feel,if it were my daughter dating someone so much older. Is wasn’t ready for this sort of cinversation, especially being caught on the hop. This inevitably caused a huge row between mother and daughter after I was gone and she called me this morning very upset about it. I told her to go giver her mum a hug and tell her she loves her, as she is only doing what any mother would do. However, she is terrified that we will never be able,to relax into a relationship because of her families disapproval.

I honestly wanted to tell her to tell her mother where to go, but I have no right to do that. I also don’t want a rift between her and her mother on my conscience. After I got home, and I analyzed the conversation I actually felt like I’m being perceived as a bit of a creep. Can anyone offer any advice? It’s quite upsetting for both of us. Is it worth all this hassle?

I've seen this with someone in my own family. And the age gap was significantly larger than yours.

Mother and father were devastated that their daughter (not as young as your girl) was seeing an older guy (almost double her age). Her mother got all she wanted to say out the first time they met and really had a go.

However five or six years later they are married with a child and honestly one of the best couples I've ever met and he gets on So so well with every one in the family.

At the end of the day, their only concern was for their daughter's well-being and the same can be said of the mother in your story. Keep the head. Let her mother see how happy you can make her and eventually it will come right. You handled this situation exactly as it should be handled. Keep doing that. Never tell her to tell her mother where to go and always let her know you're willing to work to make her parents comfortable.

If the two of ye work out well, then the parents will eventually be happy to see their child happy. They're just cautious right now and that's ok.

splinter65

Hugo Acidic Tire wrote: »

Men in their thirties pursuing teenagers is creepy.

No it’s not creepy, it’s just more complicated then it used to be.

listermint

splinter65 wrote: »

My daughter is nearly 21 and she definitely couldn’t handle a relationship with a guy 10 years older with a small child.
In a way, we were a lot more mature at 20/21 then they are now. They’re terribly coddled.
I’d let it pass OP but you are ready to get back in the dating scene!

Whilst I don't have direct op advice I feel this is not fair on anyone of that age. Just because your child was terribly coddled as you put it doesn't mean the vast majority are. It's easy to reflect your own experience right across everyone else but it's equally unfair.

There are many edgits at that age and equally as many more rounded and intelligent folks too.

And no you weren't way more mature than younger folk that's you reflecting again.

Ghekko

Pity she cannot trust her daughters judgement and let her date who she chooses. This girl needs to calmly tell her mum that she's happy seeing you, that she needs to be trusted to make this decision, while she appreciated her mother's concern. No sense getting embroiled in arguments as this will most certainly drive her daughter away.

Passenger

bannerdb wrote: »

Well I’m a bit confused now.... after 2 wonderful dates, we are getting along great. However, after dropping her home after our last date her mother arrived out to the car and told me she wasn’t comfortable with a man 12 years older spending time with her daughter.

Should be more incentive to not give up.

Hugo Acidic Tire wrote: »

Men in their thirties pursuing teenagers is creepy.

What about teens pursuing men in their thirties though? :pac:

Tell me how

Hugo Acidic Tire wrote:

Men in their thirties pursuing teenagers is creepy.

They met, formed a connection over mutual interests and both parties are interested in pursuing a relationship.

The realities of generally being in different places in your life at different ages are true, naturally, but this here sounds a very reasonable way to meet a partner.

Permabear

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Bambi985

I'm not remotely surprised by her mother's reaction but I am surprised to see people still egging you on despite this. This isn't a "bump in the road" early on that will "make you stronger as a couple" like we're in some sort of Mills & Boon novel, this is an indication that this girl's family strongly disapproves (confronting you after 2 dates?), is not likely to tolerate it and let the matter go and any further involvement here is going to be a lot more hassle than it's worth. And is potentially going to jeopardise this girl's relationship with her own family.

For all the stories about "cautious parents that now love the guy" you'll have double if not more stories of continued social friction and families nearly torn apart because of disapproval and lack of ability to accept the situation and that's just the barefaced reality here. You can take this total rejection of you from her mother this early on as an indicator of what's to come if you continue to date her.

I'm sure you're a nice guy OP, but to think that a decent dose of politeness and pleasantries and niceness will make her mother come around to her teenage daughter dating a single father in his 30s is naive to put it mildly.

Tell me how

Bambi985 wrote: »

I'm not remotely surprised by her mother's reaction but I am surprised to see people still egging you on despite this. This isn't a "bump in the road" early on that will "make you stronger as a couple" like we're in some sort of Mills & Boon novel, this is an indication that this girl's family strongly disapproves (confronting you after 2 dates?), is not likely to tolerate it and let the matter go and any further involvement here is going to be a lot more hassle than it's worth. And is potentially going to jeopardise this girl's relationship with her own family.

For all the stories about "cautious parents that now love the guy" you'll have double if not more stories of continued social friction and families nearly torn apart because of disapproval and lack of ability to accept the situation and that's just the barefaced reality here. You can take this total rejection of you from her mother this early on as an indicator of what's to come if you continue to date her.

I'm sure you're a nice guy OP, but to think that a decent dose of politeness and pleasantries and niceness will make her mother come around to her teenage daughter dating a single father in his 30s is naive to put it mildly.

The mother is no longer her daughters keeper. Absolutely she will look out for her but should that discount the desire of an adult in how they want to live their life?

It may be a bump in the road, it may be a crash and burn scenario but again, that could be said about any relationship and these are adults.

Question: Would you prefer your 19 year old daughter to be happy in a relationship with a 31 year old father or to be unhappy in a relationship with a 22 year old guy with no children? (Please answer one or the other, any caveats could be applied to any relationship and while I understand age gaps are not ideal, there are no laws when it comes to love.

Purple Mountain

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

In this day and age I don't think it's realistic. She'll have so many opportunities in front of her, things that aren't an option for you any more. Youd probably be doing her a favour in letting her go.

Because when you're over 30 and have a child that's it game over?
I better book the euthanasia jab now..

B.A._Baracus

I am going to be brutally honest here... and I do expect some backlash but let's just all be honest people. There are 3 points here:

1, Sure it has happened where a 19yo dates someone much older and it's a happy ending. Doesn't generally happen that often as take your pick: different levels of maturity, someone so young may want to live their life and date/sleep around, clashes with family - which has happened already - etc etc.

2, But most single 31 year old men would gladly date a 19yo. It's another question to ask would your average 31yo blindly get seriously involved with one. Without thinking of the pitfalls that may happen. That's another question.

3, Most 31yo men would give their right nut to sleep with a 19yo. Even go as far as to date them just for that one thing. If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out. They got that one thing they wanted. Harsh, but true.

Op, you sound like a nice bloke. But do what you want here. It's such a divided subject. You'll get genuine opinions but you'll also get people saying "ah here, i wouldn't do that man. you're a cradle snatcher" while they say jammy git under the breath.

LegacyUser

OP, think back to when you yourself were 19 years old. And extend that to your sisters, female friends, female relatives. What were ye like? What were ye getting up to? How mature were ye all? How different are ye now to then?
Be very honest.
Can you see any of your male friends your age dating a teenager? (Ok it's probably every mans wet dream, but in real life, how would you perceive them as men?)
The reality is, this girl is "fresh meat" to you. Untainted, virginal, unlikely to cause conflict or confrontation or be challenging because she probably hero-worships you. You can mould her in a way that you simply can't with a woman in her late 20s/early 30s who's had a few relationships & a bit of life experience. She can't& won't have the confidence& knowledge that those extra 10 years gives a woman in life. Nor will she be pushing for commitment or babies. So it'll be quite easy to date her, no pressure at all on you. Win win.
Her mum had an adult & honest conversation with you which def will only increase yer attraction to each other...ooh forbidden fruit, star crossed lovers, us against the world. Every teenagers fantasy romance. So she'll be putty in your hands. Perfect.

Permabear

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bannerdb

Xcvvv wrote: »

OP, think back to when you yourself were 19 years old. And extend that to your sisters, female friends, female relatives. What were ye like? What were ye getting up to? How mature were ye all? How different are ye now to then?
Be very honest.
Can you see any of your male friends your age dating a teenager? (Ok it's probably every mans wet dream, but in real life, how would you perceive them as men?)
The reality is, this girl is "fresh meat" to you. Untainted, virginal, unlikely to cause conflict or confrontation or be challenging because she probably hero-worships you. You can mould her in a way that you simply can't with a woman in her late 20s/early 30s who's had a few relationships & a bit of life experience. She can't& won't have the confidence& knowledge that those extra 10 years gives a woman in life. Nor will she be pushing for commitment or babies. So it'll be quite easy to date her, no pressure at all on you. Win win.
Her mum had an adult & honest conversation with you which def will only increase yer attraction to each other...ooh forbidden fruit, star crossed lovers, us against the world. Every teenagers fantasy romance. So she'll be putty in your hands. Perfect.

I can confirm that everything yiu have outlined above is completely inaccurate and untrue.

To clarify, we decided to date based on mutual interests and common ground, as per my original post. Is there there a physical attraction between us? Yes there is. Have we explored that? No we haven't..... It's been two dates for goodness sake.
To suggest that I view this woman as "fresh meat" is something that I find quite insulting. However, I also understand that this is sort of misguided judgement and nonsense that we likely will both have to endure should our relationship develop any further beyond a few dates so thanks for getting the ball rolling on that one.

The situation with her mother is what I asked for advice on.

Thanks to everyone for their advice and sharing their experiences also. Plenty to consider here once again.

Dr Crayfish

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Because when you're over 30 and have a child that's it game over?
I better book the euthanasia jab now..

Well he's hardly going to go off and backpack South East Asia for a year with her is he?

Big Bag of Chips

Dr Crayfish, yellow card for ignoring the Forum Charter.

Lackey

It’s about where you are in life more so than age difference.

17,,,,27/28 no...ones is still in school doing lc living at home

19,,,,,,31 no ....one is starting out just gaining independence college etc still living at home? Or experiencing moving out for the first time .

30,,,,,, 41 ok both probably in similar stages of life. Careers, cars etc

bannerdb wrote: »

She asked how I would feel,if it were my daughter dating someone so much older/quote]

Well...how would you feel?

LegacyUser

bannerdb wrote: »

To suggest that I view this woman as "fresh meat" is something that I find quite insulting.

The situation with her mother is what I asked for advice on.

If you read my post, I meant mainly from a psychological versus a physical sense. No scars from previous relationships, no dating history. A blank canvas. A clean slate. Starting anew. Only that you have the added advantage of life experience. But she could well be happy to be guided too.
If this girl is as mature& adult as you deem her, neither you nor her should need her mothers' approval to date, surely? & if your intentions are as honourable as say, what's there to fear.
Date away. As a previous poster in the same position said, she'll be judged as much if not more than you anyway.

Permabear

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jimbobalob309

the fact that she still lives with her parents and her mother is there to come out and interfere in her dating life says everything about the gap between you. she's 19 and the sum of her experiences are secondary school and after-school hobbies and maybe going to college if that's where shes at. youve presumably bypassed that a long time ago and live independently and work to pay the bills and have a child to take care of. having the bants about drama and theatre isn't strong enough to bypass this experience gap.

i'd agree with dr crayfish too - of course life doesn't end in your 30s (lets hope anyway, being the wrong side of them lol) but youre not out galavanting around the world, doing j1 visas and one-year visas and backpacking around Asia and blowing all your cash on nights out or luxury holidays either. those aren't the choices, in your 30s the choices are more focused and more based on settling down, getting a mortgage, investing your money, getting married etc. this girl may well be happy to skip all that 20s craic to move in and raise your child with you op, but the greater chance is that she grows up too quick and grows to resent you at some stage.

by all means throw caution to the wind but dont expect the judgements and criticisms and worries of her parents to dissipate any time soon. i certainly wouldn't stand idly by and watch my teenage daughter get involved with a grown man in his 30s that has a child to raise.

s7ryf3925pivug

Aside from the obvious social incompatibilities, at some point 19 year olds just look too young, and it gets gross. There's a paternal tone to a couple of the posts which is also gross.

Dunno who thinks adult guys all want to sleep with teenagers. Lots of guys in their thirties get attention from too-young women. Most guys shut it down because it's not really cool to do otherwise.

It's legal and your own business, but you're inviting opinions and mine is that it's gross. I wouldn't like to have anything to do with someone in their thirties with a teenage girlfriend.

Hugo Acidic Tire

Hugo Acidic Tire wrote: »

Aside from the obvious social incompatibilities, at some point 19 year olds just look too young, and it gets gross. There's a paternal tone to a couple of the posts which is also gross.

It's legal and your own business, but you're inviting opinions and mine is that it's gross. I wouldn't like to have anything to do with someone in their thirties with a teenage girlfriend.

What do you really think though?