Age gap

bannerdb

Hi folks,

I need some advice or guidance. I have recently met a woman in my local theatre group and we have really hit it off. We have realised that we have lots in common. We love the same music, books, movies, food. At a recent theatre wrap party we just spent the entire night talking by ourselves, sharing stories and talking about our shared interests, oblivious to everything going on around us. Since then we have been texting non stop. All day every day. I really want to ask her out. One issue though,(or is it?) I am 31 and she is 19 going on 20 in January. I'm worried about the age gap. Is it too big to expect a realistic prospect of a relationship? We live in a small town. Is it fair to expose her to the inevitable small minded gossip? I'm also separated and have a 3 yr old daughter. Would it be fair to them?

Some advice would be appreciated!

Thanks!

Kidchameleon

Go for it. Worst thing that can happen is she'll say no. Dont worry about gossips. Its none of your ex's business and your child doesnt need to know anything. You can tell your child if things get serious. Even then you shouldnt tell her anything for a long long time into the relationship.

Daisy78

Yes I would think it's too much to be honest, for a few reasons. Firstly she is only barely out of her teenage years, still a kid really. At that age you are still trying to figure out who you are and what your place is in the world. The dynamics of being in a relationship with a much older man can be much more complicated than if she was seeing someone her own age. You are a grown man, she probably has little to no experience of relationships, it's not a level playing field in terms of experience and maturity. On top of that you have a marriage behind you a child which is a lot for any woman to take on never mind a 19 year old. I'm sure you do like her but I think you would do her a bigger favour by cooling things down a bit. She would be much better off dating a guy her own age and she won't have the opportunity to do that if something were to happen between the both of you.

Aspadeaspade

I would say go for it OP. Age doesn't come into it when you have lots in common and lots of shared interests. If she's mature enough for you mentally, which she sounds like she is.. ask her out if you think there's a spark for both of you. Good luck!

Dr Crayfish

In this day and age I don't think it's realistic. She'll have so many opportunities in front of her, things that aren't an option for you any more. Youd probably be doing her a favour in letting her go.

bannerdb

Thank you all for your replies and advice. Looks like there is nothing clear cut about this dilemma 😮 I really do want to ask her out...I have never had a connection like this with anyone before. But I just cannot get past the fact that she is only about to turn twenty and that she does have , and will have, as one of the replies quite rightly pointed out, have so many opportunities in front of her. As far as maturity goes, I think one of the reasons there is such a strong attraction, is that she has such a level and wise head on her shoulders. When she told me she was only turning 20 in January, I was really surprised. I also worry for the strain a relationship with someone who is older would put on her own relationship with her family and her peers.

Sinead Mc1

I met my husband when I was 19. He was 29. We're together 14 years now. He also has a child from a previous relationship!
It's gas. We both agree it must have seemed a bit scandalous at the time but everyone agrees that it just worked for us.
Alot of my friends traveled alot. Something I definitely didn't do because of my relationship. Sometimes I feel I should regret this but I really don't. I don't think travel interested me that much anyway.
If I felt it did things might have been different.
My main point would be that she is old enough to make her own decisions.
I was free to walk away whenever I wanted.

silverharp

i'd say go for it, you are obviously a decent person the fact you are thinking about it. There is no right or wrong, for my parents generation this age difference wouldnt have been so unusual

Xterminator

Hi Op

you are well aware there are challenges to this relationship. that's good because you do live in the real world & you can discuss and work through any issues if you do form a relationship.

But if you are asking is it worth following your heart, or should you be cautious because it might not work out; then there really is only one answer. go for it. otherwise you will regret missed opportunities.

whoopsadoodles

Daisy78 wrote: »

Yes I would think it's too much to be honest, for a few reasons. Firstly she is only barely out of her teenage years, still a kid really. At that age you are still trying to figure out who you are and what your place is in the world. .

I don't think the young woman should be patronised in this way.

Not all 20 year olds are mindless children and I think the woman should be given the opportunity to make decisions for herself.

If the OP feels that the age difference is an issue for him or for his child then absolutely that is valid, but if it's that he feels she may have an issue with the age difference then perhaps she should be the one to make the choice.

If you think you will regret not asking her out in years to come, then ask her out. If you think it's just passing lust, then consider the risks.

LegacyUser

Op go for it . It’s not that unusual , some women at 19 are very mature and level headed and some are not .
It certainly doesn’t boil down to birth certs

eviltwin

Daisy78 wrote: »

Yes I would think it's too much to be honest, for a few reasons. Firstly she is only barely out of her teenage years, still a kid really. At that age you are still trying to figure out who you are and what your place is in the world. The dynamics of being in a relationship with a much older man can be much more complicated than if she was seeing someone her own age. You are a grown man, she probably has little to no experience of relationships, it's not a level playing field in terms of experience and maturity. On top of that you have a marriage behind you a child which is a lot for any woman to take on never mind a 19 year old. I'm sure you do like her but I think you would do her a bigger favour by cooling things down a bit. She would be much better off dating a guy her own age and she won't have the opportunity to do that if something were to happen between the both of you.

That should be for her to decide shouldn't it? No harm in the OP asking her out.

Daisy78

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

Daisy78 wrote: »

Yes I would think it's too much to be honest, for a few reasons. Firstly she is only barely out of her teenage years, still a kid really. At that age you are still trying to figure out who you are and what your place is in the world. .

I don't think the young woman should be patronised in this way.

Not all 20 year olds are mindless children and I think the woman should be given the opportunity to make decisions for herself.

If the OP feels that the age difference is an issue for him or for his child then absolutely that is valid, but if it's that he feels she may have an issue with the age difference then perhaps she should be the one to make the choice.

If you think you will regret not asking her out in years to come, then ask her out. If you think it's just passing lust, then consider the risks.

I didn't say anything about her being a mindless child or patronise her??! He asked for opinions and I gave mine. The point I was trying to make, obviously not very well it would seem is that at that age you are still trying to figure out what you want in life in terms of college, career, if you want to see the world,etc Entering into a relationship with a much older man, who has much bigger responsilities is a big consideration for someone so young. What if she wants to move to another part of the country or indeed abroad for work in a few years time? Given that you have a child to consider this might not be an option for you. It's all well and good to say throw caution to the wind and go for it but there could potential heartache down the line if your paths diverge.

Bambi985

I'm your age OP and I can't think of what I'd have in common with a 19 year old, maybe a few of the more fickle things you mentioned if at all. Books, films etc. From a "life stage" perspective, the likelihood of you being compatible in the way you need to be to have a healthy relationship are pretty slim - she's just out of school/maybe in college and that carefree period is about a decade ago for you now that you're in your 30s and have greater responsibilities.

You'll always get the "I met my wife when she was x and we're married 40 years" posts on these threads but by and large these relationships aren't the norm, aren't prone to lasting and will face a lot of judgement and objection publicly, they can often be divisive when it comes to family and friends too. Things you'd want to consider when you're thinking not just of yourself, but also your child and this woman.

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Passenger

Definitely go for it imo. Life is too short for hemming and hawing and wondering what could have been.

Some posters in this thread are looking too far ahead, they're already marrying you two ffs. Even if you only had a few dates with this girl you could have a great time together and it would be well worth it.

Emme

If the genders were changed and it was a woman of 31 wanting to date a 19 year old man what would people think? I bet people wouldn't be saying "go for it" then.

OP you might as well ask her out. You'll regret it if you don't. It's a man's world when it comes to dating and you're right to make the most of it. You have a shared interest which is a good start. Your ex won't be happy about it though and you have to consider how it would impact on your child if your relationship with this woman gets serious and you have chidlren with her.

coolcat63

When I was 20 I had a 3 year relationship with a 42 year old! Go for it.

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Dj Stiggie

Emme wrote: »

If the genders were changed and it was a woman of 31 wanting to date a 19 year old man what would people think? I bet people wouldn't be saying "go for it" then

Why not? I dated a woman twelve years older than me when I was 21.

OP I would just say to keep in mind that she probably will want to do things that may not suit or interest you, such as backpack or go on a J1 and it wouldn't be fair of you to hold her back from these opportunities. If things aren't going to work out, it's much better to leave on a high where she remembers how you helped her grow, instead of her resenting you for things she feels you held her back from doing.

whoopsadoodles

Daisy78 wrote: »

I didn't say anything about her being a mindless child or patronise her??! He asked for opinions and I gave mine. The point I was trying to make, obviously not very well it would seem is that at that age you are still trying to figure out what you want in life in terms of college, career, if you want to see the world,etc Entering into a relationship with a much older man, who has much bigger responsilities is a big consideration for someone so young. What if she wants to move to another part of the country or indeed abroad for work in a few years time? Given that you have a child to consider this might not be an option for you. It's all well and good to say throw caution to the wind and go for it but there could potential heartache down the line if your paths diverge.

Saying a woman of 20 is still just a kid is patronising, imo.

A 20 year old guy could have a child and be "stuck" living in the same locality for life.

A 32 year old woman could have the opportunity to travel for work.

Age shouldn't be the be all and end all when two consenting adults want to be together and certainly a woman's decision shouldn't be made for her because she is younger.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Go for it! It might be good for both of you, giving you a different perspective on things compared to a woman your own age.

WIZWEB

19 year age gap in my last relationship. Me the older one! The age gap was never really an issue. I left after a few years for a multitude of other valid reasons.

milli milli

I come from a creative background and a significant amount of friends and colleagues have large age-gap relationships (10, 20 and even 30 year gaps. All consenting adults). No one bats an eyelid.

I suppose creative people aren't as black-and-white in thinking about things and so an age gap isn't really a big deal at all. All people are different and at different life stages, despite their ages.
I think what's important is the connection you have with someone and most people know that a really good connection with someone is actually quite hard to find.

Yes there are challenges but all relationships will have some kind of challenges and people in similar age relationships break up everyday, so age isn't always the deciding factor.

bannerdb

Thank you all for your advice. Some really valid points made. Cheers.for taking the time to help me with the dilemma.

Icepick

these relationships aren't the norm, aren't prone to lasting and will face a lot of judgement and objection publicly

I would never consider this re age. And it's patronizing to OP.

Dr Crayfish

Icepick wrote: »

I would never consider this re age. And it's patronizing to OP.

I think you could safely say majority of relationships like this don't last.

MartyMcFly84

Its 11/12 year age gap. I know people who think its too much I know others who it seems to work for. It really depends on the people.

Personally I am 33 and in general I would feel that a woman 25 or younger would be just in a different place than I am. With the age gap of 11 years I think is very different if she was 30 and you were 41. By 30 most people have had lots of life experience and are ready to settle. At 19 , this person has likely never lived outside of their parents house..

What happens if she, goes off to college or wants to go back packing for 3 months, or go on J1 or and year to Australia? These are very common things for young people to do before they take on the responsibilities of work, long term relationships and kids.

I am sure she is quite taken by an older man, lots of women are. But a time might come where she might want to do things her friends or other people her age are doing and might not be able to if she is in a committed relationship, with added responsibilities. This can cause resentment down the line. I sound pretty negative here sorry about that. Just my 2c.

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Tipperary animal lover

I'm with my partner 25years age gap of 15years and getting married in 3 weeks, it all comes down to if ye are compatibe, remember every relationship needs to be worked on same as family friends workmates, it's up to you to make it work.

Big Bag of Chips

MartyMcFly84 wrote: »

What happens if she, goes off to college or wants to go back packing for 3 months, or go on J1 or and year to Australia? These are very common things for young people to do before they take on the responsibilities of work, long term relationships and kids.

Well then she has the option of doing that.

OP, I take it you're thinking of asking her out, not to marry you. Ask her. She may say yes, she may not. It may develop into a relationship it may not. It may last the next 60 years, it may not. Just like if you asked out someone in their 30s.

As mentioned, she's about to turn 20 and perfectly capable of deciding for herself what she wants. As for never lived out of home... Same could be said for many 30 year olds these days.

Ghekko

Definitely ask her out. She can say no if she wants.

bannerdb

Thanks again for all the advice folks. Well I took the plunge and asked her out to dinner and a movie!

bannerdb

Well I’m a bit confused now.... after 2 wonderful dates, we are getting along great. However, after dropping her home after our last date her mother arrived out to the car and told me she wasn’t comfortable with a man 12 years older spending time with her daughter. She was nice about it, but this wasn’t the ideal first meeting and made us all feel uncomfortable. She asked how I would feel,if it were my daughter dating someone so much older. Is wasn’t ready for this sort of cinversation, especially being caught on the hop. This inevitably caused a huge row between mother and daughter after I was gone and she called me this morning very upset about it. I told her to go giver her mum a hug and tell her she loves her, as she is only doing what any mother would do. However, she is terrified that we will never be able,to relax into a relationship because of her families disapproval.

I honestly wanted to tell her to tell her mother where to go, but I have no right to do that. I also don’t want a rift between her and her mother on my conscience. After I got home, and I analyzed the conversation I actually felt like I’m being perceived as a bit of a creep. Can anyone offer any advice? It’s quite upsetting for both of us. Is it worth all this hassle?

splinter65

My daughter is nearly 21 and she definitely couldn’t handle a relationship with a guy 10 years older with a small child.
In a way, we were a lot more mature at 20/21 then they are now. They’re terribly coddled.
I’d let it pass OP but you are ready to get back in the dating scene!

Omackeral

OP not sure what way to advise you here but just wanted to say you sound nothing like a creep at all. You sound like a very decent guy. Hope it works out.

s7ryf3925pivug

Men in their thirties pursuing teenagers is creepy.

amtc

There's a similar number of years between my parents and a similar conversation was had. Made them all the more determined.

In a way it's nice that her mother can approach you. You've shown yourself to be a nice guy dropping her home and she is over age! You're not proposing...it has been two dates. Just keep going slow and steady.

whoopsadoodles

bannerdb wrote: »

Well I’m a bit confused now.... after 2 wonderful dates, we are getting along great. However, after dropping her home after our last date her mother arrived out to the car and told me she wasn’t comfortable with a man 12 years older spending time with her daughter. She was nice about it, but this wasn’t the ideal first meeting and made us all feel uncomfortable. She asked how I would feel,if it were my daughter dating someone so much older. Is wasn’t ready for this sort of cinversation, especially being caught on the hop. This inevitably caused a huge row between mother and daughter after I was gone and she called me this morning very upset about it. I told her to go giver her mum a hug and tell her she loves her, as she is only doing what any mother would do. However, she is terrified that we will never be able,to relax into a relationship because of her families disapproval.

I honestly wanted to tell her to tell her mother where to go, but I have no right to do that. I also don’t want a rift between her and her mother on my conscience. After I got home, and I analyzed the conversation I actually felt like I’m being perceived as a bit of a creep. Can anyone offer any advice? It’s quite upsetting for both of us. Is it worth all this hassle?

I've seen this with someone in my own family. And the age gap was significantly larger than yours.

Mother and father were devastated that their daughter (not as young as your girl) was seeing an older guy (almost double her age). Her mother got all she wanted to say out the first time they met and really had a go.

However five or six years later they are married with a child and honestly one of the best couples I've ever met and he gets on So so well with every one in the family.

At the end of the day, their only concern was for their daughter's well-being and the same can be said of the mother in your story. Keep the head. Let her mother see how happy you can make her and eventually it will come right. You handled this situation exactly as it should be handled. Keep doing that. Never tell her to tell her mother where to go and always let her know you're willing to work to make her parents comfortable.

If the two of ye work out well, then the parents will eventually be happy to see their child happy. They're just cautious right now and that's ok.

splinter65

Hugo Acidic Tire wrote: »

Men in their thirties pursuing teenagers is creepy.

No it’s not creepy, it’s just more complicated then it used to be.

listermint

splinter65 wrote: »

My daughter is nearly 21 and she definitely couldn’t handle a relationship with a guy 10 years older with a small child.
In a way, we were a lot more mature at 20/21 then they are now. They’re terribly coddled.
I’d let it pass OP but you are ready to get back in the dating scene!

Whilst I don't have direct op advice I feel this is not fair on anyone of that age. Just because your child was terribly coddled as you put it doesn't mean the vast majority are. It's easy to reflect your own experience right across everyone else but it's equally unfair.

There are many edgits at that age and equally as many more rounded and intelligent folks too.

And no you weren't way more mature than younger folk that's you reflecting again.

Ghekko

Pity she cannot trust her daughters judgement and let her date who she chooses. This girl needs to calmly tell her mum that she's happy seeing you, that she needs to be trusted to make this decision, while she appreciated her mother's concern. No sense getting embroiled in arguments as this will most certainly drive her daughter away.

Passenger

bannerdb wrote: »

Well I’m a bit confused now.... after 2 wonderful dates, we are getting along great. However, after dropping her home after our last date her mother arrived out to the car and told me she wasn’t comfortable with a man 12 years older spending time with her daughter.

Should be more incentive to not give up.

Hugo Acidic Tire wrote: »

Men in their thirties pursuing teenagers is creepy.

What about teens pursuing men in their thirties though? :pac:

Tell me how

Hugo Acidic Tire wrote:

Men in their thirties pursuing teenagers is creepy.

They met, formed a connection over mutual interests and both parties are interested in pursuing a relationship.

The realities of generally being in different places in your life at different ages are true, naturally, but this here sounds a very reasonable way to meet a partner.

Permabear

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Bambi985

I'm not remotely surprised by her mother's reaction but I am surprised to see people still egging you on despite this. This isn't a "bump in the road" early on that will "make you stronger as a couple" like we're in some sort of Mills & Boon novel, this is an indication that this girl's family strongly disapproves (confronting you after 2 dates?), is not likely to tolerate it and let the matter go and any further involvement here is going to be a lot more hassle than it's worth. And is potentially going to jeopardise this girl's relationship with her own family.

For all the stories about "cautious parents that now love the guy" you'll have double if not more stories of continued social friction and families nearly torn apart because of disapproval and lack of ability to accept the situation and that's just the barefaced reality here. You can take this total rejection of you from her mother this early on as an indicator of what's to come if you continue to date her.

I'm sure you're a nice guy OP, but to think that a decent dose of politeness and pleasantries and niceness will make her mother come around to her teenage daughter dating a single father in his 30s is naive to put it mildly.

Tell me how

Bambi985 wrote: »

I'm not remotely surprised by her mother's reaction but I am surprised to see people still egging you on despite this. This isn't a "bump in the road" early on that will "make you stronger as a couple" like we're in some sort of Mills & Boon novel, this is an indication that this girl's family strongly disapproves (confronting you after 2 dates?), is not likely to tolerate it and let the matter go and any further involvement here is going to be a lot more hassle than it's worth. And is potentially going to jeopardise this girl's relationship with her own family.

For all the stories about "cautious parents that now love the guy" you'll have double if not more stories of continued social friction and families nearly torn apart because of disapproval and lack of ability to accept the situation and that's just the barefaced reality here. You can take this total rejection of you from her mother this early on as an indicator of what's to come if you continue to date her.

I'm sure you're a nice guy OP, but to think that a decent dose of politeness and pleasantries and niceness will make her mother come around to her teenage daughter dating a single father in his 30s is naive to put it mildly.

The mother is no longer her daughters keeper. Absolutely she will look out for her but should that discount the desire of an adult in how they want to live their life?

It may be a bump in the road, it may be a crash and burn scenario but again, that could be said about any relationship and these are adults.

Question: Would you prefer your 19 year old daughter to be happy in a relationship with a 31 year old father or to be unhappy in a relationship with a 22 year old guy with no children? (Please answer one or the other, any caveats could be applied to any relationship and while I understand age gaps are not ideal, there are no laws when it comes to love.

Purple Mountain

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

In this day and age I don't think it's realistic. She'll have so many opportunities in front of her, things that aren't an option for you any more. Youd probably be doing her a favour in letting her go.

Because when you're over 30 and have a child that's it game over?
I better book the euthanasia jab now..

B.A._Baracus

I am going to be brutally honest here... and I do expect some backlash but let's just all be honest people. There are 3 points here:

1, Sure it has happened where a 19yo dates someone much older and it's a happy ending. Doesn't generally happen that often as take your pick: different levels of maturity, someone so young may want to live their life and date/sleep around, clashes with family - which has happened already - etc etc.

2, But most single 31 year old men would gladly date a 19yo. It's another question to ask would your average 31yo blindly get seriously involved with one. Without thinking of the pitfalls that may happen. That's another question.

3, Most 31yo men would give their right nut to sleep with a 19yo. Even go as far as to date them just for that one thing. If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out. They got that one thing they wanted. Harsh, but true.

Op, you sound like a nice bloke. But do what you want here. It's such a divided subject. You'll get genuine opinions but you'll also get people saying "ah here, i wouldn't do that man. you're a cradle snatcher" while they say jammy git under the breath.

LegacyUser

OP, think back to when you yourself were 19 years old. And extend that to your sisters, female friends, female relatives. What were ye like? What were ye getting up to? How mature were ye all? How different are ye now to then?
Be very honest.
Can you see any of your male friends your age dating a teenager? (Ok it's probably every mans wet dream, but in real life, how would you perceive them as men?)
The reality is, this girl is "fresh meat" to you. Untainted, virginal, unlikely to cause conflict or confrontation or be challenging because she probably hero-worships you. You can mould her in a way that you simply can't with a woman in her late 20s/early 30s who's had a few relationships & a bit of life experience. She can't& won't have the confidence& knowledge that those extra 10 years gives a woman in life. Nor will she be pushing for commitment or babies. So it'll be quite easy to date her, no pressure at all on you. Win win.
Her mum had an adult & honest conversation with you which def will only increase yer attraction to each other...ooh forbidden fruit, star crossed lovers, us against the world. Every teenagers fantasy romance. So she'll be putty in your hands. Perfect.

Permabear

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