The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

I think I might have screwed up ? A couple of us local retired
pilot types were asked to address a secondary school gathering put
on by the PTA.

I was the only speaker to show up, so I had the stage
to myself. I talked about staying in school, getting good grades and
all that usual bull****; and since I had plenty of time because those
other guys didn't show, I threw it open for questions.

The last one asked was, "Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical beliefs?”

I said, “That's an easy one. Looking back over my 7 decades, I
believe I've spent close to 90% of my earnings on booze and whores. The rest I wasted."

I was escorted out without getting to finish my last two rules to live
by:

1) If it flies, floats, or fúcks, it's cheaper to rent !

and

2) If it's got tits or tyres, you're gonna have problems.

I hope they invite me back next year so I can finish.

They need to know.

It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.

(Bob Monkhouse)