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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • #482
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    everlast75 wrote: »
    Looks like it is heading for Seville war in Spain..
    That joke is Fawlty, it's a Sybil war now, :pac:


  • #483
    FixdePitchmark
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,773 ✭✭✭✭FixdePitchmark


    What do you say to a lad stealing your gate ?

    Nothing he might take O-fence.


  • #484
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 8,856 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Deleted User wrote: »
    That joke is Fawlty, it's a Sybil war now, :pac:

    Qué?:confused:


  • #485
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,068 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Erik Shin wrote: »
    Orange you glad we don't live in Spain now!

    Spain is going to be a little smaller, to catalan story short...

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #486
    Erik Shin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,721 ✭✭✭Erik Shin


    everlast75 wrote: »
    Spain is going to be a little smaller, to catalan story short...

    I bet you're gonna Basque in the glory of that joke!


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  • #487
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,947 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Wombatman wrote: »
    What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhino?
    A visit from the ethics committee and immediate withdrawal of your funding.


  • #488
    Witchie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,597 ✭✭✭Witchie


    I think Catalonia has some exspaining to do.


  • #489
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Witchie wrote: »
    I think Catalonia has some explaining to do.
    They're raging about it!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_bL0EqlDEk


  • #490
    snowflaker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,922 ✭✭✭snowflaker


    JimmyMcGill wrote: »
    Woman goes to her local GP to discuss having rid of her unwanted baby.
    "Go home" says the doctor, " shove an apple an orange and a Mars bar up your fanny for five days and come see me".
    Feeling a bit perplexed the woman decides anything is better than crossing the water so off home she goes and follows orders for five days.
    She returns to her doctor.
    "Well" he says " any movement?". When she replies no he tells her to repeat the procedure that evening except to drop the Mars bar and come see him again the following day.
    She returns the following day looking immensely happier as the doctor asks "Well, any movement?"
    "Doctor, I did exactly as you said. First I shoved up the apple, then the orange but no Mars bar. I waited and waited for an age."
    "And?"
    "Well then the little bastard jumped out shouting 'Where's me fùcking Mars bar??'"

    Was this from Alive! Newspaper???


  • #491
    fryup
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,067 ✭✭✭✭fryup


    Paddy on his driving test is driving along a road and he comes to a red light, Paddy flies right through it! The examiner says "What the hell! That was a red light!" Paddy waves him off, saying, "My brother drives like this!"

    So they drive a little while longer, and they come to another red light. Once again, Paddy flies right through it. The examiner freaks out again. Paddy says, " relax will ya.. the brother always drives like this all the time, and he's never been in one crash."

    A few moments later, they come to a green light, and they stop instantly. The examiner looks at Paddy and says, "What the hell are you stopping for!!!"

    Paddy says.."Well just in case the brother is coming the other way!"


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  • #492
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,947 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Host: What are you?
    Me: A harp
    Host: Ur costume's too small to be a harp.
    Me: Are you calling me a lyre?


  • #493
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,947 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The Car of the Year for 2017, as voted by Woman magazine is: A Blue one


  • #494
    GBX
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,025 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    Bloke goes up to a fat ugly bird in a night club & asks if she has a pen, blushing she says "yes", the bloke replies "well you should get back into it before the farmer notices your missing".


  • #495
    branie2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,325 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween
    They don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.


  • #496
    Carry
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,024 ✭✭✭Carry


    GBX wrote: »
    Bloke goes up to a fat ugly bird in a night club & asks if she has a pen, blushing she says "yes", the bloke replies "well you should get back into it before the farmer notices your missing".

    You forgot the tell the whole joke :mad::

    The fat ugly bird looked down at the tiny bloke with his whiny voice and says "well, the farmer actually set me free to find the weasel who breaks into his pen to molest the animals. Glad I found him. Now to the other task the farmer asked me to perform if I find the bastard ..."


  • #497
    Witchie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,597 ✭✭✭Witchie


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    The Car of the Year for 2017, as voted by Woman magazine is: A Blue one

    Wrong. It's purple. I bought a **** car once just coz it was purple. I love purple.


  • #498
    branie2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,325 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    Why didn't the skeleton go to ball?
    It had no body to go with


  • #499
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    An elderly couple stopped at a motorway service station for lunch.

    After having something to eat, they continued on their way.

    About an hour later she remembered she had left her glasses in the restaurant.

    If this wasn't bad enough, they had to drive a further 20 miles to turn around.

    All the way back to the restaurant the husband became the classic “grumpy old man”.

    He fussed and complained scolding his wife the entire return drive.
    He wouldn’t let up for a minute.


    To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

    As the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old geezer yelled at her,




    “while you’re at it, you might as well get my Hat and Credit Card!”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #500
    branie2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,325 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    I'm reading that last bit in Victor Meldrew's voice!


  • #501
    TheBody
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,644 ✭✭✭TheBody


    The wife was doubting my ability to repair electrical goods.

    Well, she's in for a shock!


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  • #502
    Wombatman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,347 ✭✭✭Wombatman


    I took the shell off my racing snail in an attempt to make him more aerodynamic and faster.

    It just made him more sluggish.


  • #503
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,947 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Witchie wrote: »
    Wrong. It's purple. I bought a **** car once just coz it was purple. I love purple.
    doghouse_color_wheel_altered.png

    From https://blog.xkcd.com/2010/05/03/color-survey-results/


  • #504
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,947 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I phoned the jaundice clinic. "Yellow...." said the receptionist.


  • #505
    paulbok
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,121 ✭✭✭paulbok


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    doghouse_color_wheel_altered.png

    From https://blog.xkcd.com/2010/05/03/color-survey-results/

    If it's not on a snooker table, it's not a colour


  • #506
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,947 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    paulbok wrote: »
    If it's not on a snooker table, it's not a colour

    "Steve is going for the pink ball - and for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green."
    - Ted Lowe


  • #507
    branie2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,325 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?
    She kept missing the ball


  • #508
    snowflaker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,922 ✭✭✭snowflaker


    The Spice Girls song 'When two becomes one" is actually about the clocks going back


  • #509
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,947 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    branie2 wrote: »
    Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?
    She had a pumpkin as a coach.


  • #510
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 78,180 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    She was great at squash, though.


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  • #511
    branie2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,325 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    What's Dracula's favourite song?

    Fangs for the Memories


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